Johnny.Random

Every picture tells a story

2011-12-23T19:44:00.002-06:00

Have I mentioned that I bought a vacation home? No? Good, cuz I was lying.

Johnny.random's 4 random thoughts
1. Go back in time and give American Indians some machine guns. Trust me.
2. If I was a cannibal I wonder which cut I'd prefer.
3. Christmas lights would probably accentuate my ding-dong. Not the rope lights tho, hipster I am not.
4. FYI, 'fag' isn't a valid word in words with friends.

The fluid of the day is that peanut oil that sits on the top of old peanut butter. I wanna cook with peanut butter peanut oil so badly. End with adverb I do giddily.

god came down to the middle east and said "I was way cooler when you called me 'ra'"

I wanted to use the phrase "80s new wave hairdo" in a sentence.
So back in the 80s, the 80s new wave hairdo was particularly popular, especially among trashy 20something cum-dumpster chicks whom often orgified with hair metal bands (ironically, not with new wave bands) upon california king sized mattresses.

johnny.random's "captain obvious" statement of the day: "Steve Martin has had white hair for a long time""

Rule 34 of the day - a palm tree, without its palms, having sex with a cave. Not a euphemism.

moment of silence for the holiday retail boom
..
..
done.
only a 3% increase. pfft. Probably because they were giving the shit away.

Bucket List Addendum: The same thing I do every night, horsecock, try to take over a Dennys.
Well, that, or stick my dick in a guitar amplifier.
I can't decide.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "basketball isn't entertaining enough. they need to make a mutant league basketball video game and/or actual game. I would buy it. "

speaking of nocturnal emissions...I finally bought myself new underwear for xmas. Very festive, I know. I went all out spending on myself, 100 pack of CD-Rs and a 4-pack of boxer briefs. The plus side is that I did not ring up any debt at all this year.
I felt pride!

I had a dream...I was sporting a Tom Selleck moustache and battling Goldie Hawn in arm-wrestling, letting her win of course, when Dave Grohl rode in on a gorilla and started raping random bottles of gin (he has a terrifyingly small wingwang). Candle wax started dripping from the ceiling onto Goldie's top (did I mention it was see-through?) so she took it off. The gorilla mauled then ate Goldie Hawn, and I lost wood.
It was weird.

Hi, I'm not a spouse batterer whom uses a potato gun to fire old ivory piano keys at said spouse...and ur not.
and by you, I know who you are, you sick fuck.

I googled on the googleImages "medieval chastity belt".
it. was. AWESOME!

I blame...Sicily, that cunt with the purple dress at that thing I went to back in 1997, and a-cup breasts.
...for everything

http://cardsagainsthumanity.com/
it's mostly sfw.

need a used life-sized dildo mailed to your ex-wife or now-gay ex-husband? call johnny!
need someone to drop a piranha into an public aquarium in front of dozens of children? call johnny!
need someone to clean your toilet whilst wearing pants? call johnny!
yes that's right! johnny is the only random task manager in the Chicagoland area that doesn't own a late model chevrolet corvette! give him a call today for his discount exclusively for plus-sized women! No request is too random!

if you could penetrate britney spears and/or lindsay lohan with a two legged barstool manufactured in Sarajevo? Why from Sarajevo, you ask? The better question is - "Why not?".

I held in my pee and popped a blood vessel in my eye.
My bad, it was my community college acting up.

Just remember, there's a time and a place for everything, including setting a termite hill on fire with turpentine in exchange for a jiffy lube oil change.

"I thought you were straight"
File that under: Things heard in prom bathrooms spoken by cheerleaders regarding their football star boyfriends.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I don't have a superhairy chest. I would be so ashamed to take a shirt off in public if that twere the case.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is why eddie murphy and adam sandler became such sellouts and decided to make the most awful movies in modern comedic history. They were so funny once. It's such a shame.

...and so johnny.random does some research:
Hypothesis: Hotness of First Lady directly relates to effectiveness of President.
Jimmy Carter
-wife: Rosalynn Carter - Had the sort of face that you can't help but put your dick into.
-relations: That down-south closet-porn star was fucking that shit nightly, I mean, who wouldn't?!
-presidency: Overall, he was considered a complete failure. Too busy fucking his wife.
Ronald Reagan
-wife: Nancy Reagan - not bad looking. not particularly good either. I'd have banged her tho.
-relations: The gipper was the oldest president, before the age of viagra. You do the math.
-presidency: The dude got shit done. Whether he was a success was besides the point, he got the russkies to back down even.
George HW Bush
-wife: Barbara Bush: The ugliest First Lady of the century. Driest vag this side of Texas.
-relations: Are you kidding? If my low-standards wouldn't have balled that bitch, why would the most powerful man in the world?!
-presidency: Kicked Saddam's ass. Didn't suck completely.
Bill Clinton
-wife: Hilary Clinton: Pantsuit notwithstanding, and despite the fact that she graduated from a Maine Township High School, I'd still make myself a "Chelsea" with that snapper.
-relations: It's pretty obvious that the bitch didn't put out so the prez had to find the occasional side panooch every couple years.
-presidency: Balanced the budget for the first time in decades, fucked a chick with a cigar and blew his load on her dress. Not bad for being sandwiched between 2 bushes.
George W Bush
-wife: Laura Bush: Schwing!
-relations: Dubya no doubt soiled the Lincoln bedroom with his dirty sex with that tail most nights of his 2 terms
-presidency: Do I even need to explain his suckage?
Barack Obama
-wife: Michelle Obama: Has the kind of body and swagger that would make a gay prison butch go straight...and stop committing crimes and rapes.
-relations: Haven't you seen the twinkle in blackpresident's eyes when he knows he's gonna stretch out that starfruit later?
-presidency: Buckled under pressure more than a fat man's belt.
hypothesis- approved.

johnny.random recommends: not eating fish tacos then playing hockey.
Seriously, trust me on this one.
At least spring for the beef ones for everyone else's sake.

"Come on dad, I ain't no runt
Come on girl, gimme your {twang}"
...Now that's good writing.
rhyming runt and cunt = totally 80s.

Challenge: "Wet Dreams" to "Conjugal visit" on the wiki in 11 steps
1. Spermatorrhea
2. Qi
3. Sanskrit
4. Migration hypothesis (redirects to Indo-Aryan migration)
5. BMAC (redirects to Bactria-Margiana Archaeological Complex)
6. Barley
7. Guns, Germs, and Steel
8. Syphilis
9. Men who have sex with men
10. Prison sexuality
11. Conjugal visits

is it just me or would it be awesome to go back in time and tell Jimi Hendrix to lay off the drugs? At least check his bisexual ass into rehab so he would be less dead in the 70s.

"Just take your lovely daughter and push her in a well"
Notice the quotes...
It's guaranteed to get your own place in hell.
So you should hang yourself in shame.

"When it's with me, you only need two minutes, because I'm so intense"
...and that's how babies are made.
The condom broke and she forgot to take her pill.
Obviously.

Holy warm Midwestern winter solstice, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "Don't you go ranting about that global warming nonsense, Boy Wonder, there shall be snow before we celebrate the birth of our lord and saviour."
To which Robin retorted: "Look at the forecast, dude, no snow! 40 degrees in Chicago!"
To which Batman lifted his pimp hand and backhanded a bitch.
Super Eminem entered, smelling of weed, and said "Bitches, gettin slapped? Can I get in on this?" Super Eminem noticed Robin crying with Batman's schlong still in his mouth, turned and left...later writing the number one song with a hidden message about respecting the privacy of the gays.

Fuck it, im moving to Iran. I shall revolt the people, disallow raping of women, and make medical marijuana legal. In that order.

Revolution #

2011-11-30T14:09:00.002-06:00

Trouble is brewing. The lower class is pissed off. The middle class is pissed off. Recent college graduates are pissed off. I'm pissed off. The MAJORITY of America is pissed off.

Some are finally doing something about it....and the movement is growing.

While the "Occupy" movement has consistently spoken for non-violent + peaceful protests, the fact remains that we, as a people, are particularly violent by nature. Just look at incidences of violent crime, black friday horror stories, road rage, school shootings and abuse. The powder keg is set to blow as the government does little to quiet our fears. They are too busy trying to afford to keep itself running (and by extension, us). The illusion is the reality: the government nor the corporations that run them do not care that your house is in foreclosure and/or you can't find a job. The priorities are crooked. Obviously, corporations would love that the economy would turn around, they NEED consumers to buy their products and purchase their services. And the government cares about us...if we mass-exodused out of here, they would not exist.
I know, broad brush.

As the complacency of the masses diminishes, the flaws in our system are finally being exposed publicly. I'm personally conflicted about the prospect of the protests becoming more often and more violent. Martial law, though I have often joked about it, is not a likeable thing to have imposed. The most advanced military in the world can surely compete with the unwashed masses. So where does that leave us? It leaves us to protest until next November when we can vote out the garbage we have and replace it with somewhat less stinky garbage.

In the meantime, though, I support the Occupy movement and hope REAL change instead of the illusion of change comes sooner rather than later. Whether it be via violent or non-violent protest, something needs to be done about our broken system.

Just keep the following lyrics in mind before you martyr yourself in the face of Uncle Sam.

"You say you want a revolution
Well you know
we all want to change the world
You tell me that it's evolution
Well you know
We all want to change the world
But when you talk about destruction
Don't you know you can count me out,
Don't you know it's gonna be? alright?

You say you got a real solution
Well you know
we'd all love to see the plan
You ask me for a contribution
Well you know
We're all doing what we can
But if you want money for people with minds that hate
All I can tell you is brother you have to wait
Don't you know it's gonna be alright?

You say you'll change the constitution
Well you know
we'd all love to change your head
You tell me it's the institution
Well you know
You better free your mind instead
But if you go carrying pictures of Chairman Mao
You ain't going to make it with anyone anyhow
Don't you know it's gonna be alright"
Lyrics composed by Lennon-McCartney - 1968

What do I look like, a fuckin' ATM machine?

2011-11-29T11:29:00.001-06:00

Have I mentioned that sweettarts have the same chemical compound as roofies? No? Good, because I'm kidding. kinda.

Johnny.Random's 4 random thoughts
1. when it was snowing last week, I died a little on the inside
2. i seriously need to stop sitting on my balls
3. switch ur girlfriend's/wife's eyeliner with a colored pencil. see if she notices.
4. they need to come up with a better way to deodorize public bathrooms.

The fluid of the day is BBQ sauce mixed with antelope saliva. Unless they don't have enough saliva, then just use albino moose saliva.

god came down to the middle east and said "Dudes, keep it down, I got a headache."

I wanted to use the phrase "enemy of the state" in a sentence.
ben stiller and jack black were massaging each other's anal g-spots when the prime enemy of the state, {insert director who shall not be named's name here}, walked in, blew up a helicopter waiting outside and forced them to kiss in slow motion during a car chase.
done.
If I ever get as predictable as him, slap me in the dick and make me have a threesome with billy bob thornton and a random dude who also looks like a homeless guy whom may or may not be a homeless guy. Please include the roofies, I do not want to remember that.

johnny.random's "captain obvious" statement of the day: "Devin Hester is ridiculous"

Rule 34 of the day - Nicole Kidman, Jessica Rabbit, and a younger version of Kyle MacLachlan (think Twin Peaks) chained to a wall with a ball-gag in his mouth. The dominatrix, of course, would be whoopi goldberg.
you're welcome for that mental picture.

moment of silence for Joe Paterno's tenure at Penn State
..
..
done.
and for the record, I hope he gets raped.
I'm not sayin, I'm just sayin.

Bucket List Addendum: volunteer to be the guy who gets to rape the female rapists once that becomes part of the legal system that I set up.
The trials will be quick.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "I really wish my puppy showed my other dog the joy he shows me. I'm sick of Griffin being an asshole to Dane. At least he doesn't try and rape him anymore."
Yes, dog-on-dog gay rape is funny until it happens to your dog.

speaking of unsolicited rape...I realized just now that despite the USA's affinity towards abhorring the metric system, we still use "Liter" as a unit of measurement for water and soda. We're weird. Stick with fluid ounces and gallon measurements, you jags.

I had a dream...I was on a balcony, playing juliet...in drag...and Natalie Portman was wooing me, as Romeo, also in drag (or reverse drag. pfft. whatever). Ke$ha slayed Romeo and kept trying to climb up my hair Rapunzel-style but it hurt like hell and my hair wasn't long enough.
It was weird.

Hi, I'm the guy who somewhat helped plan a surprise 60th birthday party for his father...and ur not.
notice I said "somewhat helped"

I googled on the google "dirty iPhone apps".
The results were less than satisfying.
I was hoping for something different, obviously.
don't judge me, I'm a guy. I have a pulse.

I blame...mini candy canes, whatever the opposite of bacon is, and my body's inability to process meat into a more palatable scent during digestion.

http://www.geekculture.com/joyoftech/
it's mostly sfw.

need an onionesque critique of something pop-culture related? call johnny!
need a sandwich containing at least meat and bread? call johnny!
need a cold shower because johnny is so damn hot? call johnny!
yes that's right! johnny is the hottest, digitally speaking! give him a call today for 5 free complimentary crop-dustings at your place of business! No request is too random!

if you could penetrate britney spears and/or lindsay lohan with a bottle of San Pellegrino , would you? I know, I know, it's less than a litre so they most definitely can get it up in there. But, remember, it is glass. With all those kegels ol' Fire Crotch is doing in prison, she can crack that shit up in her cooch. That would be interesting.

Ok, if the government is broke, half of China still lives in poverty, Greece is ready to be sold...where IS all the money?
My bad, it was my community college acting up.

Just remember, there's a time and a place for everything, including faking a cell phone call from your mom about your (already dead) grandfather going into surgery...to get out of a bad blowjob.

"It's time for Animaniacs and we're zany to the max"
File that under: One of those rare openings to a theme song that immediately made we want to enter the animation world as an anthropomorphized generic animal creature and do naughty things to a cast member of said animated television show.
Kidding. Kinda.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I still have an aversion to talking to moderately to mostly creepy guys. Of course, I can probably be categorized as such on occasion but I really don't want to even say hello to the molester-looking individuals that plague our nation's office buildings, megamalls, fast food drive thrus and middle schools.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is when I'm gonna get around to quitting smoking again. Again. Again. I'm pretty sure that my lungs prefer to not be raped by cancer, so sooner rather than later is probably a good idea.

There's 312,690,273 people in the United States...and roughly 3800 wallmarts.
Based on the number of people I ran into over an hour in wallmart on black friday, I can estimate that at least 8,000 people shopped there.
Since my wallmart is "average size", I can then extrapolate that at least 30.4 million people shopped at wallmart on black friday, 9.72% of the population.
I'd say that's not bad, and that I'm probably underestimating.
...and the credit card companies shall commence the expanded financial rape of the unwashed masses in ...3...2...1...

johnny.random recommends: washing your balls every once and a while.
the nerf ones.
You sick fucks.

"I want to see a much greater effort out there. I don't just want harder hits, I want major felonies."
...Now that's good writing.
Name that quote and instant vault to level awesome in my book.

Challenge: "Pedophilia" to "Capital Punishment" on the wiki in 11 steps
1. ICD-10
2. V01-Y98 (Redirects to: ICD-10 Chapter XX: External causes of morbidity and mortality)
3. Systemic antibiotics (Redirects to: Antibacterial)
4. Surgical wound (Redirects to: Surgery)
5. Fistula
6. Anal fistula
7. Flatus (Redirects to: Flatulence)
8. Flammable (Redirects to: Flammability)
9. United States
10. reinstated the death penalty (Redirects to: Gregg v. Georgia)
11. death penalty (Redirects to: Capital punishment)

is it just me or was that singing of the national anthem @ the Bears game in oakland the 3rd worst rendition of said song in history?

"and then I'll fucking fuck you discreetly"
Notice the quotes...
...but then I'm gonna fuck you hard.
Not sayin, just sayin.

"hands on your knees, hands on your knees"
...and that's how babies are made.
...whilst said song is playing at many reception hall coat check rooms and upon baby changing tables, ironically.
Not during the "everybody clap your hands" part, though.

Holy snow in November, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "Boy Wonder, That's what those heathens get for worshiping the god of money"
to which Robin wet his pants out of frustration.
Batman went to get the pacifier for him and changed his diaper as Super Eminem entered, smelling of weed, carrying an old-school boombox on his shoulder. Seeing the scene in front of him, Super Eminem sighed, smoked some more weed, wrote a rap about potty training, smoked some more, and took a nap.
The rap, of course, was later overdubbed with Rihanna saying something sexy in the chorus and hit #1.

Fuck it, im moving to a country that has capital punishment for boy rapers. Well, at least one that gets creative with it, like chopping off ding-dongs and such.

Yo, it's about that time to bring forth the rhythmn and the rhyme

2011-10-27T10:27:00.008-05:00

Have I mentioned that I've quit drinking? I did. I started a new job too. Change is the theme of this blog obviously.

Johnny.Random's 4 random thoughts
1. Of obsolete jobs, methinks I would have been a good Viking pillager.
2. Bacon. That is all.
3. If my name was "Barry" or "Zeus", my life would have been completely different.
4. I like being ironically hypocritical.

The fluid of the day is whatever the heck maraschino cherries soak in.

god came down to the middle east and said "1 soldier in exchange for 477 civilians?! Dang, youse guys got hosed".

I wanted to use the phrase "fighting irish" in a sentence.
matt damon and ben affleck were rubbing hot oil upon each other whilst discussing their new movie and matt suddenly realized he hasn't yet played a fighting irish/glory hole connoisseur in a movie yet and immediately got on the phone with his agent whilst his lover cupped his balls gently.
done.

johnny.random's "captain obvious" statement of the day: "bernie madoff should have committed suicide"

Rule 34 of the day - a pumpkin. bacon. Jennifer Alba with a strap on vibrating deeldo. [Ed. Correct spelling is dildo. And also, can I watch?] Yes.

moment of silence for my old motorola razr phone
..
..
done.
Good to see I'm finally changing with the times and sporting a smart phone.

Bucket List Addendum: Finish shredding my financial documents. I mean, do I really need old Discover card statements from 2008??

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "@OccupySomecity just because Michael Moore might show up, that doesn't make you legitimate. Try firing tear gas back at the cops."

speaking of the world economy...I'm car shopping. Tops of the list are the Subaru Legacy, Kia Optima and Nissan Altima. I want to make the right choice. That right choice doesn't include Ford and/or Chevy, obviously. Maybe a used Ferrari instead.

I had a dream...I was covered in spaghetti [Ed. Actually, it was linguine.] The blue bird from the mobile app "Tiny Wings" was eating said spaghetti [Ed. Actually, it was linguine.] I strangled said bird for not letting me get 175,000 points before I went to sleep. He squawked. He died. I was happy and ate the spaghetti [Ed. Actually, it was linguine,] whilst getting a handjob from Cameron Diaz's character in "Being John Malkovich". I didn't finish though, so I woke up with some decent morning wood.
It twas a good dream, I'd say.

Hi, I'm still a fan of the Smashing Pumpkins...and ur not.
However, billy corgan can still go and eat a bag of old dicks on rye.
But no mustard. Let's not get carried away.

I googled on the google "places mice like to hide"
Apparently, appliances are included in these places.
I felt shame.
I'll tell you about it later. 2 mice down, I don't know how many more to go.

I blame tostitos pizza rolls...nickelback...and the TV show "Frasier".
For everything.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OM_nfBs47ls
Hey, director who shall not be named, notice how in the 80s, car chases were fun, and cars don't explode in to a gigantic fireball on impact.

need a bathtub full of old espresso beans? call johnny!
need "just the tip"? call johnny!
need a some witty dialogue written for a 80s-style Fletch movie? call johnny!
yes that's right! johnny is the randomest of the middle class! give him a call for your free batch of pumpkin innards that which you can do what you please with/to! No request is too random!

if you could penetrate britney spears and/or lindsay lohan with a foreclosed trailer home, would you? As long as it's not a double-wide, you should be able to pull it off. Or put it in I guess would be better terminology.

If Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny had a baby, evolution would be totally fucked.
My bad, it was my community college acting up.

Just remember, there's a time and a place for everything, including handcuffing albino spider monkeys to parked cars.

"Dude, wanking off on my mom is one thing, but doing your grandma...That's legendary!"
File that under: The funniest comic quotes about incest by comedians whom are more famous for being gay roller-skating drug-abusing prostitutes on cable television than for standup.
Oh, and notice the quotes.

One thing I'm really glad about is that pork bacon is more popular than turkey bacon. It would suck so bad if there was only one brand of yumminess.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is when sitcoms decided to be funny again. I took a couple years off of primetime television, you know, just because. Sports doesn't count. Turns out there are a few funny shows on these day. "everybody loves raymond" these are not! The shows "2 broke girls", "Mike & Molly" and "The Middle" have some good writing. It's about fookin time.

There's 312,504,905 people in the United States of Expensive...
79.8% of the people are adults...that's 249,378,914 people.
Of the adults in the United States of Expensive, 99% of us think that the prices for Halloween candy are ridiculous...that's 246,885,125 people.
Of the adults in the United States of Expensive whom think the Halloween candy is too expensive, about 55.54% of people either wont buy the candy, wont be home and will leave their porch light off, and/or think Halloween is a harbinger of the devil...that leaves 109,765,127 people.
In other words, M&M Mars and Hershey are still gonna make MILLIONS on this holiday.
We're fucking suckers.
And no, I don't mean tootsie pops at $4.59 a bag.

johnny.random recommends: writing an angry letter to the Wall-Mart corporate office. Don't worry, you'll think of something.
I did. Not happy with the response but I feel better about the world now that I did.

"Begging mercy for their sins
Satan laughing spreads His wings"
...Now that's good writing

Challenge: "Tiny Wings" to "Satan" on the wiki in 8 steps
1. iOS
2. Calculator
3. Transcendental function
4. Polynomial
5. Niccolo Fontana Tartaglia
6. Brescia
7. Gunpowder
8. Satan

is it just me or would it be so awesome to have a usb port in ur noggin to just upload your thoughts to a computer? You could download all your memories and not forget them! I suppose that's what USB 3.0 is for.

"Faster than you can say shallow grave"
Notice the quotes...

"And in your dreams I'll touch your cheek and lay my head on your shoulder"
...and that's how babies are made.
That is, literally, if singer of said lyrics were in my bed willingly and I happened to "forget" to put a jimmy-hat on my dweedle-dee.

Holy flash grenades upon unarmed civilians, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "Don't get the wrong idea, Boy Wonder, those protesters are evildoers just like the Joker and the Penguin."
To which Robin cried: "But I'm part of the 99% and you're not, how is that fair? Even the cops are in the 99%!"
Batman chortled and said: "Cops are in the 1%! Haven't you heard of bribery and extortion?"
Robin was confused and lost wood.
Just then, Super Eminem burst in, smelling of weed, carrying a bottle of Dom Perignon and some liquid g, wearing nothing but a g-string, and said: "Who wants some champagne?" {punchline, cue audience applause}

Fuck it, im buying Greece. It's gotta cost like $175 million. I can hack it. I'll just borrow the money from China. I can probably turn a profit on that shit.

sadness in the chicago world of baseball

2011-10-05T10:39:00.000-05:00

Hello all.

This is a sad week for Chicago baseball fans. Our teams missed the playoffs and teams such as the Milly-walk-aye Beers and Detoilet Tiggers made it. Like I've done many times already, I've put together a list of former cubs & Sox players who made it to the playoffs with another team. You know, to make us more sad. To be honest, when I started prepping this email a few weeks ago, I had the Cardinals all set to not make the playoffs. They got in on the last day, and I'm pretty glad they did. There's a joke here somewhere about the NL Central having 2 playoff teams and the cubs still finishing almost 20 games out of said playoff spot...but I lost it.
P.S. don't jump down my throat on the guys on the DL, they're on the roster so piss off.

The cubs Players(20. last year:17)
Detroit's P Al Alburquerque was signed by the cubs in 2006 and was with the organization until early 2009.
Texas's IF Andres Blanco played in the cubs organization in 08-09.
Arizona's C Henry Blanco played for the cubs from 2005-08.
Tampa's IF Russ Canzler was drafed by the cubs in 2004 and he seemed to disappear after the 2010 season.
Tampa's P Juan Cruz signed with the cubs in 1997 and was traded in 2004.
Tampa's P Kyle Farnsworth was drafted by the cubs in 1994 and was with the organization until 2004.
Tampa's OF Sam Fuld was drafted by the cubs twice (03 & 04) and was traded earlier this year for a mediocre starting pitcher.
Philadelphia's IF Ross Gload played for the cubs in 2000-01.
Tampa's OF Brandon Guyer was drafted by the cubs in 2007 and was also traded earlier this year for the same mediocre starting pitcher mentioned above.
Milwaukee's IF/OF Jerry Hairston Jr was with the cubs in 05-06.
Milwaukee's P LaTroy Hawkins (yes, him) pitched for the cubs in 2004 & 2005.
St Louis's P Kyle Lohse was drafted by the cubs in 1996 and was traded in 1999 to the twinkies.
Arizona's P Jason Marquis pitched for the cubs in '07 and '08.
Milwaukee's IF Casey McGehee was drafted by the cubs in 2003 and was with the organization through the 2008 season.
New York's P Sergio Mitre was drafted by the cubs in 2001 and played in the organization through the 2005 season.
Arizona's OF Xavier Nady played for the cubs, badly, in 2010.
Texas's P Darren Oliver played in the minor leagues for the cubs in 2005.
St Louis's OF Corey Patterson was drafted by the cubs in 1998 (3rd overall) and was traded in 2006.
St Louis's IF Ryan Theriot was drafted by the cubs in 2001 and was with the organization until he was traded in 2010.
New York's P Raul Valdes was signed by the cubs as an undrafted free agent in 2005 and was with the organization through 2006.

The White Sox Players(19. last year:21)
Detroit's IF Wilson Betemit was with the Sox in the 2009 season.
Arizona's IF Geoff Blum was with the Sox in the World Series year.
New York's P Bartolo Colon played for the Sox in 2003 and 2009.
Philadelphia's P Jose Contreras (yes, him) played for the Sox from 04-09.
St Louis's P Octavio Dotel pitched for the Sox in 2008 & 2009.
New York's P Freddy Garcia was also with the Sox twice. From 2004-06 and 2009-10.
Philadelphia's IF Ross Gload played for the Sox from 2003-06.
Arizona's P Daniel Hudson was with the Sox in 2009 and traded in 2010 for some reason.
St Louis's P Edwin Jackson was acquired for Daniel Hudson for some reason, and was traded this year.
New York's OF Andruw Jones was with the Sox in 2010.
Milwaukee's IF/OF Mark Kotsay was with the Sox, badly, in 2009-10.
New York's P Boone Logan was drafted by the Sox in 2002 and was traded in 2008.
New York's P Damaso Marte played for the Sox for full seasons from 2002-2005.
Detroit's OF Magglio Ordonez signed as an undrafted free agent with the Sox in 1991 and was with them through the 2004 season.
Philadelphia's IF Placido Polanco was drafted by the Sox in 1993 but did not sign.
Arizona's P J.J. Putz was with the Sox in 2010.
New York's IF/OF Nick Swisher played for the Sox in 2008.
Philadelphia's IF Wilson Valdez played for the Sox in 2004.
Arizona's OF Chris Young was drafted by the Sox in 2001 and was traded in 2005.

also... a little dirt on the grave for you cub fans, while you're drowning your sorrows in a beer...

The presidential debate sketch from a few years back on SNL:
"Bill Murray, who appeared as himself in a sketch lampooning the town-hall presidential debate last Tuesday, asked Sen. John McCain (Darrell Hammond) and Sen. Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) what they would do to ensure that the Cubs would never lose in the playoffs again.

"Last week, in the National League divisional playoffs, the Chicago cubs faced the Los Angeles Dodgers. In Game 1, the cubs lost 7-3. In Game 2, they lost 10-3 and in Game 3, 3-1. What, as president, would you do to guarantee that this never happens again? Senators, in your answers, please be specific,” Murray asked.

“That's a fair question, William, but let's face it, the cubs may very well be in the playoffs again, perhaps even next year. If so, they will lose again, and they will keep right on losing year after year after year, because that is what the cubs do. We as a nation have got to wean cubs fans away from supporting that team and train them to root for other teams – teams that will actually have a chance at winning,” Armisen-as-Obama said.

"Senator McCain?" moderator Tom Brokaw (Chris Parnell) asked.
“Here I have to agree with my opponent,” Hammond-as-McCain said. “Let me give you some straight talk, my friends: The cubs will never win the pennant, much less the World Series! Junior over there, he won’t tell you that. I just did.” "

I met a fairy today that granted me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine" I said, "I want to die after the Cubs win the world series !"
"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrobcJa_EV8
http://www.cubssuckclub.com/
And I doubt I can ever top this one: http://www.cracked.com/funny-4663-chicago-cubs-fans/

Major Events that Have Occurred Since the chicago cubs Won Their Last World Series (October 14th 1908)
-TV, 3-D TV, VCR, DVD, bluRay, DVR, Radio, 8 Track, Cassette Tape, CD, iMac, iPod, iPhone, iPad, all things computer were invented...other big time inventions since then; The Band-Aid, masking tape, bubble gum, frozen food, the chocolate chip, the microwave, cell phones, disposable diapers, submarines, lasers, artificial hearts, optical fibers, calculators, the internet, the helicopter, electric cars, electric bicycles, retinal implants …
-Super Mario Brothers was released, and has since celebrated its 25th anniversary...
-13 of the top 25 current Fortune 500 companies were founded, Wal Mart (1963), Chevron (1911), Fannie Mae (1938), HP (1939), AT&T (1983), Verizon (1983), AIG (1919), IBM (1911), Cardinal Health (1971), Freddie Mac (1970), CVS/Caremark (1963), UnitedHealth Group (1977) & Valero Energy (1980)...
-Movies finally got color and dialogue! Wow! 83 Academy Award ceremonies have been held...
-The members of the Beatles were born, and two of them died, The members of the Rolling Stones were born, two of them died, somehow Keith Richards didn't...On a similar note, the music styles; Jazz, Swing, Boogie Woogie, Rhythm & Blues, Doo-wop, Rockabilly, Soul, Garage Rock, Acid Rock, Folk Rock, Art Rock, Progressive Rock, Glitter Rock, Space Rock, Disco, Reggae, Funk, Hair(Glam) Metal, Thrash Metal, Grunge, Punk, Ska, New Wave, Alternative Rock, Techno, Electronica, Pop-Punk, Rap-Metal, Emo, Screamo and pretty much all of Rock n Roll peaked and died.
-The model T was introduced to fanfare, years later the Focus was introduced to a collective "Meh"...
-The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, and was rediscovered…
-Man landed on the moon…
-Halley's comet passed Earth,….twice …
-Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, and New Mexico were admitted to the Union…
-All of the Kennedy political clan have been born and died...
-Eighteen US presidents took office…
-Twelve amendments added to the Constitution…
-The United States went through 20 recessions, 2 of them were depressions, 10 of them lasted more than a year, one of which resulted in the FED being created...
-The US fought in two World Wars, the Korean War, Vietnam War and 2 Persian Gulf Wars...
-Prohibition was created and repealed…
-A combination of 43 Summer and Winter Olympics have been held.
-The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won championships in each league…
-Jack Brickhouse, Harry Caray and Ron Santo were born, and died...
-Fourteen teams more teams play in the Major League Baseball now…only 8 teams in existence have not won a world series (Texas, Houston, Milwaukee, San Diego, Washington, Seattle, Colorado and Tampa)...
-The cubs have had 6 owners, 12 GMs and 53 managers, all pretty much unsuccessful...
-they've had 33 people inducted into the baseball hall of fame yet never won a world series with the loveable losers...
-wrigley field was built and is now the second oldest ballpark remaining in baseball (after Fenway)…and as Roger Simon famously said..."Putting lights in Wrigley Field is like putting aluminum siding on the Sistine Chapel."...
-in fact, the Chicago Bears won more Championships whilst playing in wrigley field than the cubs, they played there from 1921 to 1970, and won the championship 8 times in that span...
-Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown…
-8 times have players stole more than 100 bases in a season...42 times have players hit more than 50 home runs in a season...12 times have players had a batting average over .400...32 times have pitchers had over 300 strikeouts in a season...and 11 times have pitchers had at least 30 wins in a season...
-Greg Maddux played in 3 different decades in which the cubs didn't win a world series, so did Kerry Wood (notice his name is WOOD not WOODS, you dummy fans), Shawon Dunston, Andre Dawson, Mark Grace, Jose Cardenal, Ernie Banks, Fergie Jenkins, Billy Williams, Phil Cavaretta, Gabby Hartnett, Bill Nicholson, Charlie Grimm, Rogers Hornsby and Cliff Heathcote...don't worry if you don't know the last half dozen-or-so cubs, they played before you were born and still didn't win a world series.
-The St Louis Cardinals, Chicago White Sox, Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox and Florida Marlins have all won the World Series; what next, the lowly Milwaukee Brewers?!?
-The cubs played over 15,000 regular-season games, won 8 NL pennants, made the playoffs 13 times…and finished in last place 15 times...
-The cubs have had a player payroll amongst the top 10 in all of baseball every year since 2003 (6th this year with $125mil), yet only made the playoffs twice, losing all 6 games by a combined score of 36-12, and they've won only one playoff series since 1908...
-There were even leaner years to remember...like from the start of the 1947 season, when they went 20 consecutive seasons being in the bottom half of the national league...
-their 103 year championship drought is 40 years longer than any other active streak in baseball (Cleveland Indians- 63 years), and is already 15 years longer than the 2nd longest in history (the White Sox- 1917-2005)
-their 66 season drought from even reaching the world series is the longest active streak in baseball (Washington Nationals have never been to the world series and were founded in 1969 - as the Montreal Expos).

-It's been;
over 3.2 billion seconds
over 54.1 million minutes
over 900,000 hours
over 5,370 weeks
over 37,600 days
Or just short of 103 years.

Well, there's always next year!

Egad, the media is fellatioing something different

2011-09-09T11:31:00.005-05:00

You know me. I dislike the media fellatioing people, whether it be the corpse of a dead celebrity, a celebrity who resembles a corpse, a celebrity whom should be a corpse, or just an attractive celebrity that no one should really care about THAT much...oh and athletes.

Thankfully, the media has begun suckling something different.

But I'm still not impressed.

With the 10 year anniversary of that fateful day approaching at the speed of time, the networks (and associated news outlets) have taken it upon themselves to latch their dirty mouths upon the human interest story that is the police and firepeople (and children of said individuals). Don't get me wrong, I respect those public servants more than any other job profession, but are they the BEST PEOPLE EVAR, or THE MOST HEROIC PEOPLE IN AMERICAN HISTORY? No. These people are people just like you and me. They performed a heroic act in the face of certain death. I'm not arguing with that. Who are the news outlets to say that some of these people they are praising weren't, say, closet pedophiles, meth addicts, wife beaters and/or software pirates? By blowing someone's deeds out of proportion, to an astronomical degree, the masses' massive asses stay in front of your boob tube even longer, that's what happens. ...and don't tell me all those people were "innocent" people. Don't be naive. Just by the law of averages, there was probably at least one adulterer on each floor of that building, and that would just be counting the scumbags who "work late" and not even considering the pilferers of millions of dollars who can no longer sail their yacht in the outer banks b/c they are dead. d.e.d. dead. Your bible says something about that kind of morality, doesn't it?

It's the same reason why I don't stand and applaud the military service people at a sporting event. Sure, they serve our country, and by extension, me. But, I can't judge someone just based on the uniform they wear and the fact that their military branch is pulling a PR move to attract recruits. People I personally know to be heroes, I'll give them the thanks they deserve. A stranger, I shall not, especially military individuals. They have the potential to be the worst kind of hero. The one that kills people in the name of what's right. Last I checked, terrorists do the same thing. We applaud our soldiers for protecting us, but had they not had the uniform on, they would be jailed for life. Flag-waving hypocrites are we.

That brings me to a different angle. We, as a country, support these protectors of freedom, but are woefully ignorant to their plight in cases of health and welfare. In this economy, many with money say that no one deserves a handout. Change your mind. Our veterans and service-people injured/wounded and those developing health problems directly related to their jobs, are underfunded and ignored. Broken families of 9/11 have been forced to reach out with fundraising efforts because the government doesn't care enough about them (and doesn't have the money, but that's another story). The Veteran's Administration is underfunded...but that's ok so long as our front-line boys keep getting their ammo, right? I support causes like the Wounded Warrior Project and their fundraising efforts for this exact reason. I may not support war, but it's retarded to turn your back on someone just because they aren't physically able to do your bidding anymore. That, my friends is an atrocity that needs to be talked about.

Please, find it in your hearts to ignore the media over the next few days, and donate if you can. I'm a principled man, and many of my opinions are, frankly, too odd for most people to wrap their heads around. If it matters to you so much that you're ignoring my plea just based on things I've said above, please reconsider. There are people in this country worse off that you or I, and that's more important than my lunatic rantings.
To donate, visit:
Wounded Warrior Project
Twin Towers Orphan Fund
American Red Cross
New York Firefighters 9-11 Disaster Relief Fund (IAFF Charitable Foundation)
(I'd like to post a link to a reputable charity that supports first responders and their families, please send me one and I'll put it up, thanks!)

The day the cookie monster died

2011-09-07T11:43:00.007-05:00

So I re-bought the Violent Femmes self-titled debut. It rocks. It got me to thinking of other self-titled musical collections of things called songs. Some of my favorites are described below.

Violent Femmes (1982)
1. Blister in the Sun
2. Kiss Off
3. Please Do Not Go
4. Add it Up
5. Confessions
6. Prove My Love
7. Promise
8. To the Kill
9. Gone Daddy Gone
10. Good Feeling
If you add the bonus tracks "Ugly" and "Gimme the Car", this is nearly a greatest hits cd. blister in the sun, though, IMO is over-rated as a hit pop song, it opens the album strong, and having such a solid track list puts this one right up there.

Weezer (1994) -Known as the blue album
1. My Name is Jonas
2. No One Else
3. The World Has Turned and Left Me Here
4. Buddy Holly
5. Undone
6. Surf Wax America
7. Say it Ain't So
8. In the Garage
9. Holiday
10. Only in Dreams
Also better known as, the CD before Rivers went sober and sold his soul to the devil to become a pop superstar. While this disc has plenty of poppy hits, it's much more true to the roots of the "alternative rock" movement that blew up in the early 90s.

Goldfinger (1996)
1. Mind's Eye
2. Stay
3. Here in Your Bedroom
4. Only a Day
5. King for a Day
6. Anxiety
7. Answers
8. Anything
9. Mable
10. The City With Two Faces
11. My Girlfriend's Shower Sucks
12. Miles Away
13. Nothing to Prove
14. Pictures
15. Phonecall
16. Fuck You and Your Cat
17. Ode to Dau
Another of those "before they sold out" kind of CDs, this one helped propel the 3rd wave of ska into the mainstream with "here in your bedroom" - which wasn't very ska-y. The disc has punk energy, good transition between songs, and a solid track list.

Metallica (1991) -Known as the black album
1. Enter Sandman
2. Sad but True
3. Holier Than Thou
4. The Unforgiven
5. Wherever I May Roam
6. Don't Tread on Me
7. Through the Never
8. Nothing Else Matters
9. Of Wolf and Man
10. The god That Failed
11. My Friend of Misery
12. The Struggle Within
Knowing me, you'd know this isn't my favorite Metallica disc. It's more of a mix of radio-friendly and "old-metallica" than any other of their CDs though. This put Metallica more on the map than ever before, and the tracks that didn't invade you on MTV and the radio were very solid too.

The Doors (1967)
1. Break on Through
2. Soul Kitchen
3. The Crystal Ship
4. 20th Century Fox
5. Alabama Song
6. Light My Fire
7. Back Door Man
8. I Looked at You
9. End of the Night
10. Take it As it Comes
11. The End
I love this one. cover to cover. The "side one" tracks are amazing. True, some of the side two stuff is usually press-the-next button material for most but I dig them too. I can't understate that this is one of my favorites of all-time, not just of the eponymous releases.

Presidents of the United States of America (1995)
1. Kitty
2. Feather Pluckin
3. Lump
4. Stranger
5. Boll Weevil
6. Peaches
7. Dune Buggy
8. We Are Not Going to Make It
9. Kick Out the Jams
10. Body
11. Back Porch
12. Candy
13. Naked and Famous
Minimalist rock. Punky. Fun. This one is easy to listen to and easy to like. This is one of the rare CDs that I've bought 4 times. Granted, a couple times were from a used CD place so it serves me right. Ug. Now I got "We're not gonna make it" stuck in my head.

Led Zeppelin (1971) -Known as Led Zeppelin IV
1. Black Dog
2. Rock and Roll
3. The Battle of Evermore
4. Stairway to Heaven
5. Misty Mountain Hop
6. Four Sticks
7. Going to California
8. When the Levee Breaks
Left this one for last b/c it would be impossible to compare this one to anything. This one is solid. I don't even skip the weirdo "battle of evermore". Drumming on the steering wheel and singing Robert Plant off-key...it doesn't get much better than that.

Honorable mention (of ones I also own) to the Beatles (1968 White Album), Cypress Hill (1991), Led Zeppelin (1969 Led Zeppelin II), Nirvana (2002 actually is a greatest hits cd, points--;), Rage Against the Machine (1992), Soulfly (1998)
...mainly because there's a lot of "filler" on those discs, and whilst decent, aren't on my list, though they may be on others.

From the Isle of Lesbos

2011-08-18T14:31:00.002-05:00

Not at full bloggage just yet, just giving you something to ponder next time ur in Wallmart or the target or the field of wood's mall.
2.6% of women in the US are lesbians.
So, you figure that 2-3 out of every 100 women you run into may, in fact, have had female tongue upon their lady parts as early as 15 minutes from whence you see'eth her.
You are welcome for giving you that mental picture to improve your overall shopping experiences.
Just remember that ugly women can be lesbians too.

Woke up too late to shower properly

2011-08-11T16:27:00.002-05:00

Lost my funny Bone

Unwittingly
Unknowingly
Unliterate

Amazed at how much lack of sleep taunts me

Contradictory
Confused
Conflagration

Ablaze within myself and reminiscing of times less sober

Ashamed
Avowed
A pencil

The thoughts I have nonsensical, randomer than usual

To write
to dream
to exist

This device is working properly

Methodically, yet not binary programming.
Drifting through life trying for purpose
...but not finding one.

An empty shell seems so easy to crack

Melted pistachio ice cream instead of milk

2011-08-10T12:16:00.003-05:00

Reflections

Dumbing myself down is a nuisance
I'm so much smarter than I appear to be

I need to cleanse.
Purge myself.

but I'm scared.
and not in the "OMG it's going to kill me"
kind of way

I used to aspire to be so much.
Those aspirations are gone
When will they return

Call it my 40% of life crisis.
Not quite halfway home
but I just want to be home

I shant turn to god
I put my faith in myself
but even my world
doesn't revolve around me

a month ago
looking in the mirror
made me angry or confused

now I don't know
what I'm seeing
or if I like it

slipping into madness
without my crutch
of the flavors to calm me

even thinking of you
quenched my thirst

but now you're gone
yet I'm not happy

maybe I will be happy someday

Can't find my way home

The inevitable return of johnny something

2011-07-28T10:37:00.008-05:00

Format.break();

So, I don't have enough time to edit the regularly scheduled johnny.random for this month, as I procrastinate and I'm going on vacation this weekend. I'll just drop a bomb that a few of you know about. I chopped up johnnybourbon. He's in pieces but still twitching. Some of you are helping me kill him. But, it's not murder. johnnybourbon is a persona I've been developing through years of alcohol abuse and angst. Don't get me wrong, I'm not an individual suffering from multiple personality disorder. I don't think I am at least. Nor does my therapist. One thing my therapist encourages is my writing. Plus I haven't had a recent foray into poetry, so here goes a throwback to a bygone era...

Ode to Scotch
Love/hate, which shall I choose to
eulogize this fruit of my destruction

You, the ruiner of lives,
me, the ruined. I sing a song for thee

Finest of the whiskeys are
not inclusive of initials J.D.

The worst friend I ever had
came in a bottle, label reading red

Set my watch to 5 o'clock
for it is somewhere the time to enjoy

But the reasons I love you
are few. Feeling confidence for a change

Why ever did I put my trust
into the fire demon without a heart

You made me selfish and brash, sometimes not
smelling hair, I deny it

Sick and dependent upon your evil guise
eyes glossed over by midnight

Why I turned to you, I may never know.
Rest in peace, I'll keep my soul

And I'm scared of myself, again

2011-06-29T06:29:00.002-05:00

Have I mentioned that it has been suggested that my brother and I start a restaurant? He's more better than me in the kitchen but we come up with incredibleness. bacon wrapped in bacon wrapped in bacon, for example. I'd be down with it, I just don't have the balls. Plus, I really wouldn't want to make a ton of money, I'd just want people to enjoy our recipes. Retarded, I know.

Johnny.Random's 4 random thoughts
1. there should be a international moustache ride day.
2. Tiffany Amber Thiessen. that is all.
3. Achel Blond 8. drink it.
4. the merits of tums versus pepcid, discuss.

god came down to the middle east and said "I call shenanigans!".

I wanted to use the phrase "budget for spies" in a sentence.
For some reason, blackpresident's administration refuses to divulge the reason to have a $30 bazillion budget for spies, and keep insisting it is a matter of national security even though Tom Cruise is a better spy than most of the people on the payroll.
done.
And by $30 bazillion, I mean I have no idea how much we spend on spying. You know, just to be clear.

johnny.random's "captain obvious" statement of the day: "life is a movie, just with a larger cast"
it's only obvious to those of us who insist on metaphorically attaching meaning to everything.

fuck me with a fatboy slim blow up doll.
i hope they don't exist. really.

Rule 34 of the day - Danny DeVito & jennifer lopez. In butterscotch pudding.

moment of silence for Scotty Klopfenstien's tenure in Reel Big Fish
..
..
done.
The littlest man, he be not, but the boy could trumpet. RBF's remaining members from the "Summer of Ska" - 2.
oh, and soupy, tomoKop and tBrouw, good lucks to youse guys and thanks for the Cup.

Bucket List Addendum: Actually write something funny. Laff. End my life.
Or do two of those things. That'll be close enough.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "so if i make clones of myself, ill still be in my 50s when they are virile. thats still young enough to live vicariously through them, right?"
hehe. living vicariously through myself will be cool.

speaking of tabasco sauce...the director who shall not be named...please stop making movies. I saw one of your movies on accident last weekend. It sucked. Go away. Spare the fanbois the horror of the new transformers movie that for some reason people are calling you, and I quote, "{director's name whom shalt not be named} is a great filmmaker". Great filmmaker. Pfft. If he owns a tuba, I would totally poop in it. He's not even as good as Judd Apatow, and only half of HIS movies are watchable. Seriously, go away.

I had a dream... care bears lived among us. no...not when i was 8, it was yesterday. They got their ass kicked. Share Bear got blasted with a rocket launcher. Friend Bear was raped by a black guy. Grumpy Bear got beaten to death with baseball bats then ass-raped in the fur by said baseball bats.
Bitches should have stayed in Care-A-Lot.

Hi, I'm jonesing for golf in 90 degree heat...and ur not. Well, not if you're sane.

I googled on the googleImages "Rachel Aldana"
I was hoping for something different, obviously.
not saying what exactly i was hoping for, but you get the idea.

I blame bobby jenks, stackOverflowExceptions, and cougarlife.com.
blaming for what, you ask? I'm not telling.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tw10xa_xtNg
its a throwback to an earlier passage. FYI, it's very NSFW.

need a someone to collect underage period panties from sickos on craigslist you so can seem like less of a sicko? call johnny!
need a some help burying that vagrant in your basement and/or under your pool? call johnny!
need a hydroponic system installed in your shower for your giant marijuana plant? call johnny!
yes that's right! johnny is the best at covering up illicit activities! give him a call today for a free consultation with the bail bonds department! No request is too random!

if you could penetrate britney spears and/or lindsay lohan with a blogger's dick , would you?
Not mentioning any names, but it's not me. Or any of my alter-egos. Or my ego. Or my id. I would probably have my way with either of them if they were on extasy and wanted my cack tho. Just sayin.

antimatter bombs sound fun.
My bad, it was my community college acting up.

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...Aries: Absinthe Margaritas. Good idea today says the stars.

"Madonna is still only 52 years old"
File that under: Comments about actresses that may be less-than retirement age, but still wouldn't touch my cock even if it was made of solid gold.

One thing I'm really glad about is that the 'nucks didn't win the Stanley Cup. It makes me happy inside. Unfortunately the baby 'nucks are gonna be skating in Rosemont. Fuck, what to do?!

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is...if you somehow manage to figure out how to pummel a dairy cow in the milk bladder, does that fuck up the milk?

There's 6,945,790,755 people in the world... with an average carbon footprint of 4 metric tons.
There's 311,656,035 people in the United States...with an average carbon footprint of 20 metric tons.
So do some math.
Without the United States at all, there would be 6,634,134,720 people in the world, creating 21,550,042,320 metric tons of carbon dioxide...3.2 metric tons per person.
Yeah, Somehow it seems like it's not entirely our fault. Suck it, climatologists.

johnny.random recommends: Just for funsies, if you work at a pharmaceutical company, switch the mood altering formula to make the side effect be "homicidal thoughts" instead of "suicidal thoughts". you know, for the lulz.

"The program (or more likely feature of a program) does exactly what was asked for, but when it’s deployed it turns out that the problem was misunderstood and the program is basically useless."
...Now that's good writing
and yes, that's happened to me a number of times.

Challenge: "Bo Burnham" to "Epic poetry"on the wiki in 12 steps
1. gay bashers (redirects to Gay Bashing)
2. Joe McCarthy (redirects to Jospeh McCarthy)
3. war profiteering
4. butter
5. Krishna
6. Sanskrit
7. close back rounded vowel
8. Norwegian phonology
9. Trondelag
10. thing (redirects to Thing (assembly)
11. Anglo-Saxon
12. Epic poetry

is it just me or would it be so awesome for karma to be real, so like you win the lotto but get hit by a car the same day? Not killing you...just bad enough to put you in the hospital for a few years. I'd be ok with that trade-off.

"I used to be an atheist, until I realized I had nothing to shout during blowjobs. "Oh Random Chance! Oh Random Chance!" just doesn't cut it…. "
Notice the quotes...

"I'm as nervous as a whore in church"
...and that's how babies are made.
If you were banging a whore in a church, that is.

Holy New York legalized teh gay marriage, Batman!
To which Batman committed a hate crime.
To which Super Eminem burst in, smelling of weed, smoked up Batman, wrote a song, took a nap, then beat off onto Robin's mostly dead body.

Fuck it, im moving to whereever I'm most vulnerable to a sexual attack by Scarlett Johansson. Unfortunately, that doesn't guarantee that I would be affected by such an attack. Nice to think about, though.

All this pain is an illusion

2011-05-19T13:57:00.018-05:00

Have I mentioned that I like to rate douchbaggishness whenst driving. Take the categories below, if they match one, it's a plain douche, match 2 and it's a double douche, and so on, match them all and you're a complete douche driver!
a) driving like a douche, tailgating, swerving, texting/calling whilst driving, you know, the douchey stuff
b) driving an american automobile, this goes without saying
c) driving an automobile that gets less than half the mpg as mine, SUVs, hummers, pickup trucks, yeps
d) sounding like a douche, think about what music they listen to, you'll know it.
e) looking like a douche, think jersey shore
In other words, don't douche it up when I'm passenging in your automobile, all my friends named Clint, Massimo and/or Jim Bob.

Johnny.Random's 4 random thoughts
1. yeah, i just said 'teats'
2. i saw a dead deer on the way to work. it was a mess of intestines and brain matter...in other words...AWESOME.
3. i use a lot of eye drops...but hey, at least it's not crack.
4. stealth ejaculation. that'll be in jackass 4. bet on it.

god came down to the middle east and said 'you've had a lot of dick, but you ain't had mine'.
Not sure if he was talking to just one of the many prostitutes, or to us all because he is gonna fuck us with her gigantic god-sized dick.
I really gotta work on this putting things into context thing.

I wanted to use the phrase "dancing on the corpses ashes" in a sentence.
Forest fires are very convenient for activities such as dancing on the corpses ashes, clearing shrubberies and such for land development and eliminating the natural habitat of the wild gay pedobear.
done.

johnny.random's "captain obvious" statement of the day: maria shriver never asked the governator the right questions...like..."Why do you keep asking me if I can chow box whilst you watch?", "Who is 'snugglytits'?" or "Where's your dick?"

fuck me with a satchel full of squirrel nuts.
take that how you will.

Rule 34 of the day - wonder woman. a llama. maria shriver. lots of opium.

moment of silence for my respect for the vancouver canucks
..
..
done.
i had some, especially since the hawks went down with some dignity. but hey, at least the wings got eliminated.

Bucket List Addendum: invent a way to tell if a chick is a chick instead of a crossdresser. You know, besides locating a protruding adams apple, or checking for actual lady parts.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "just remember, if you fight me, i don't mind being punched in the face, and don't mind punching a man in his meat and 2 veg...so, good luck"

speaking of sex in space...I know farting during oral is a faux pas, but what about farting during regular intercourse? I've farted during sex before...but is that relatively normal? Like, on purpose and on accident...
well, whatever.

I had a dream...and when I woke up I was humping a pillow. It must have been a good dream, ya know?!

Hi, I'm the captain of a 2-0 softball team...and ur not. Well, maybe you are, but I got better players than you, bitchticles.

I googled on the googleVideos/YouTube "high dog"
This is awesome. I'm glad I didn't have a dog in my "younger" days.

I blame Rahm - the name not the person...dan brown - the "author"...and oprah - the goddess.

http://gizmodo.com/5522411/a-woman-in-cables
mostly sfw. and mostly art.

need a review for a movie that noone has any business watching - like Iron Man 2? call johnny!
need to set a zombie on fire and/or shoot rob zombie in the asshole with a 10 gauge shotgun? call johnny!
need a "taxicab" to take you to a "housekeeper"'s house for a rendezvous? call johnny!
yes that's right! johnny is the most criminally insane! give him a call today for his free cell phone crotch shot special! No request is too random!

if you could penetrate britney spears and/or lindsay lohan with a drumset, would you? I'm not talking about a Carl Palmer/John Bonham kind of set...more like the one Meg White and her spectacular tits play one whenst she is drumming. Get that up in that coochie. Plus, you know Meg White has done a sex tape so she's down to film her drumkit going in and out and in and out and in and out cuz she's playin all night and the music's alright (his birthday today reference there)

dude I'm glad we're not monkeys cuz language is awesome. Oh, and our dicks are bigger.
My bad, it was my community college acting up.

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...Taurus: you are not one of god(s) chosen ones. Good luck this weekend, dude.

if pussy could be personified, er, foodified, what food would it be?
File that under: Another question not to ask whenst on a date.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I've never eaten butt creampie juice squirted onto a quarter pound of taco meat that also happened to be prepared by immigrants with Clostridium botulinum and aids of the hands.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is why talking bad about jesus became synonymous with hating america. Last I checked there's a little (read: big) thing called separation of church and state. It's not like I'm saying mickey mouse was backstage at heavenly bodies fucking jesus in the ass while that jewy jew jew was eating out a random muppet stripper bitch.
Well, besides what I just said, I don't usually say that kind of stuff.
And by don't usually I mean no more that 8 or 9 times a day

There's 6,919,461,621 people in the world...
0.5% of people have an IQ of 140 or more (genius or near-genius), that's 34,597,308 people.
Of those people alive with a IQ of 140 or more, surely 0.006% of them have discovered time travel and traveled in time, that's 2,075 people.
Of the people with IQ of 140 or more whom have time traveled, surely one has inadvertently impregnated his grandmother and/or become impregnated by her grandfather...that's 0.05%, or only 0.00000002% of the total population!

johnny.random recommends: eating shrimp dipped in wasabi mustard, but not shrimp hot dogs. You gotta draw the line somewheres.

"When everything feels all over
When everybody seems unkind
I'll give you a four-leaf clover
Take all the worry out of your mind "
...Now that's good writing
...and yeah it's another birthday reference, at least the guy did drugs, made sweet songs and figured out that a cure for the ugly face is to grow a beard.

Challenge: "Boobquake" to "Breast milk" on the wiki in 10 steps
1. Women in Islam
2. Rape victims (redirects to Effects and aftermath of rape)
3. Empathy
4. Simon Baron-Cohen
5. Extreme male brain (redirects to Empathizing-systemizing theory)
6. Autism
7. Self-Injury (redirects to Self-harm)
8. Cannabis
9. AIDS
10. Breast milk (redirects to Human breast milk)

is it just me or do you think it's time yet to enumerate how many little boys michael jackson fucked? Probably more than a dozen, or a bakers dozen at least.

"I'm not sure whether to call you the mac-daddy or the daddy-mac"
Notice the quotes...

dude, she went to the KENTUCKY FUCKING BOURBON FESTIVAL last year...oh god. i could picture her fucking a bottle of bourbon too
...and that's how babies are made.

Holy broken batsignal looks kinda like a dick with no balls, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "Call the commissioner, sky porn is against the law, Boy Wonder!"
To which Robin acknowledged, "Well, yeah it looks like a dick, but I'm a pervert, who the hell else would mistake THAT for a cock?"
Super Eminem burst in, smelling of weed, pointing at the sky and rapping about how the bat dick is gonna fuck the full moon ass tonight and such.
Robin started beating off as Batman hitched a ride on Superman's back to get it all sorted out.
Whether Batman got an erection remains to be seen...

Fuck it, im not moving to new york. id rather tongue-kiss marlon brando's dead butthole than live in new york. or play a piano whose strings are made out of lindsay lohan's old pubic hair (lice included). or watch nba basketball.

Why America Sucks - The Middle Class

2011-04-19T04:19:00.002-05:00

OK, a break from format to introduce somewhat of a different outlet for the true alter-ego behind johnny.random, Johnny Something. Johnny Something is the voice of reason whom typically loses said voice when attempting to be funny or whilst under the influence. He is always there though, through every rant against bigotry or use of the word 'fuck'. Johnny Something IS johnny.random as well as the Johnny "fill in the blank with a random adjective" that you may very well know and love. Or hate. Regardless, Johnny has serious opinions that oftentimes go unnoticed because of the brash over-the-topness of the typical johnny.random blog. Johnny Something also doesn't like referring to himself in the third person, so without further ado or with much ado, the premiere of the series of blogs entitled "Why America Sucks".

So why does America suck? I can think of many reasons. One of which is the middle class, but not in the cliche way that the pundits laud about when criticizing the opposing party's fiscal policy. I'm talking about me, my parents, my family, hell - almost everyone that I know that is chasing the American dream. I don't mind lumping myself in the following conversation. I'm not a full-on hypocrite. I know I'm part of the problem. This is a problem that is decades in the making. Keep in mind that I'm not a historian, but I'm pointing my finger squarely at the last few generations with my accusations that the middle class is one of the biggest reasons why America sucks.

Now before I go and get myself disjointed, let me outline where I intend to go with this train of thoughts...and yes I'm aware that using the word "outline" in an opening statement would have gotten me a failing grade in basically every class that I've taken in the course of my education, but fuck off. I'll dissect the education topic in my next why America sucks blog. And there I go, getting disjointed already. So what am I guilty of? Materialism and the circle of debt associated with said materialism. Buying into the cornerstone of the American dream, owning a house. Using my excuses against city living to live in the suburbs - with its own inefficiencies. Continuing to support so many of the fast-food chains that plague our nation. Voting for the lesser of two evils more times than I care to admit. Continuing to keep quiet despite knowing how broken the system is.
Hypocrite, I am not. Well, I am no longer.

Materialism. Do I really need to say much more than the fact that Toys 'R Us has a gift registry for christmas gifts to illustrate my point on this one? The keeping up with the Jones's surely drives our economy, with so many industries supplying our demand. A lot of the goods that we consume are useful, from food to roofing shingles to snow tires. I'm surely guilty of graying the line between want and need as much as the next person. Further graying occurs typically around goods that are socially dictated to be needed. Televisions are the prime example. Truly, one could easily say "I need a new tv." Really? I'd say you want a new tv. Even in the occurrence of a lack of television set in your possessions, it is hardly required to survive. But I can think of a much more large scale purchase to dictate this argument. Automobiles. There's frivolously unnecessary number of cars in a household...but that's not as widespread as the decades-long trend of, let's just say - to distance myself from johnny.random, large cars over small ones. Surely, this isn't a all-encompassing point, because I'm aware there are sedan & coupe owners that bargain shopped or those that require large vehicles. The materialistic mind would buy a larger car, which of course costs more, with less gas mileage over even a crossover, sedan or hatchback. We, as a whole, subscribe to the idea "hey, why not get bigger?", which plays into the mindset of the "super size" fast-food mentality but I'll get to that later. We are not satisfied with simply "adequate" or "bare minimum". I've done the same thing when I was car shopping. You may say "but you have a sedan that gets over 30 mpg"... even I could have went cheaper and more fuel efficient. In my case, the cheaper car was less than a half mile away at the Hyundai dealership. But we all know Hyundai is crap.
This leads into the circle of debt. Cars are a simple expense to explain, lease or own, you get a set amount of time to pay a set amount of money. Whether the expense was necessary or not is an afterthought even to those of us whom have poor credit and can't get themselves the crazy low 0.9% financing offers. Credit Card debt has become the same way, with much more burdensome results. Now I'm not talking about the unfortunate millions who put things on credit out of necessity, that's another rant altogether. I'm not fazed by having thousands of dollars in credit card debt any longer. Nor are most people. 10k on credit cards doesn't surprise. In fact, the average household consumer credit card debt is nearly $15k. at the average of 15% APR, that's fairly crippling, both on a monthly basis with payments and over the life of giving the money to the people whom gave you money when you didn't have enough to buy something you didn't need (for the record, that's nearly $200 a month just in interest on average). I've done it. I'm trying to recover from it. Our materialism and consumerism may be keeping the economy afloat but at what price to ourselves, people?! 15% APR? 28% APR? make a late payment and jack it even higher? You bet! ...and we just keep spending and spending and those Asian factories can afford to stay open because we keep buying.

Say what you want about the banks being responsible for the housing market crash and immoral lending practices, it was the middle class that created the bubble. The banks, they merely supplied the soapy water. I bought right before the bubble burst myself so fuck me too. Thinking of housing as an investment or an asset is the prime selling point, well that and having a kick ass backyard and being able to live in the cozy suburbs but I'll save that one for later. I type this sitting in a chair residing in a home that is worth closer to what it should be, roughly half of what I paid for it just 4 years ago. Variable APRs aside, the mortgage business is a racket. Even with the Fed pushing prime down to record lows, banks make some serious bank (pun intended) on their mortgage customers. And we keep dishing out hundreds of dollars a month to cover this interest. Using myself as an example, I paid over $1,200 just in interest to my banks last month. Renting, though the costs have risen since I was a renter 10 years ago or so, are less. Factor in the lower electricity, gas, water, property tax, insurance and maintenance bills and renting looks a lot better than having that yard in the suburbs on a still-depreciating asset. But renting doesn't get you equity, I understand that. But equity gets you what? The ability to sell your asset at a profit. I'm not a retard, I get the concept. But when it comes down to it, the bottom line, is owning a home a necessity? People are still foreclosing and blaming the economy and the banks. I give them some blame, sure, but we're the idiots who fell for it.

Another thing I'm not the only one guilty of...not living where the jobs are. I'm above average in terms of average distance for my commute. Gas prices going up? Yeah, living over 20 miles away from my work hurts me a little more. We aren't fazed by having to spend over a thousand dollars a year in gasoline. Alternative transportation like buses and trains are more cost efficient but by international comparison, our cities' infrastructure is laughable. Car pool or ride a bike to work? Who are you kidding? That's not only inconvenient, it's unamerican.
OK, you still insist on living in the suburbs and commuting to the big city. Trains are available but that's inconvenient in your opinion. So you commute. You burn more gas traveling in rush hour. And who gets to pay for constantly repairing the roads you drive on? Right, if you lived where the jobs were, that wouldn't be a huge expense. And what about the jobs that moved to the suburbs because of the lower leasing costs? Yes, more roads to maintain (and clear the snow off of)! So you need that yard and trade it for more fuel costs and you're costing the state more money because you think the city is impersonal, as opposed to your ticky tacky neighborhood you live in that was spit out by a developer trying to make a quick buck. Feel free to cover any excuse you want. It costs more to build out than build up. There's cities that are experiencing growth whilst their suburbs shrink, and that's a nice trend.

Leading to the next opinion, it doesn't get much more impersonal than the suburbs. Forgettable bars in mini-malls and chain restaurants indistinguishable from the ones the next town over. As much as I want to quit fast-food, I just can't help it sometimes. A couple burgers for a couple bucks...and they're everywhere. We've traded health and money for convenience. Yes, it's been shown that eating fast food everyday is more expensive than cooking at home. Not to mention how unhealthy its been shown to be. Who's fault is that? If you're not sure, tell me the last time you saw a rolls royce in a burger king drive thru. Your answer is probably 'never'. mcdonald's didn't lower their nutrition standards because that's what the demand was. They just did, and people kept buying and buying. It's the same pattern. Except this one makes us fat...and I guess it holds the purpose of keeping us alive long enough to die of heart failure. The wonks had the idea of giving us more...for a little more money, still profit of course. And we bought into that too. Not only were we eating more food than physically necessary, we were paying someone to make it badly. There's a reason why our body hates us when we eat wendy's. We as a middle class killed so many grocery stores, and clever and tasty restaurants for the sake of eating out more at impersonal and vaguely edible chains and cooking less because we just didn't have the time.

Now voting is a bitch. This isn't a rail on the lack of voter turnout or even a rant on partisanship that's just plain retarded. This is for voting for someone who would suck less. Wonder why our government sucks? We keep voting for people who suck...less than the other guy. It doesn't help that 3rd party & independents not only can't get elected, they can't put together a full slate of relevant domestic and foreign policies. Want to know why we didn't get change with the election of President Obama? He's John Kerry with a few minor policy differences. Our major parties are closer in ideology than they would even care to admit. Aside from abortion, taxes and health care, the biggest issues that the masses seem to care about are relatively the same on both sides of the aisle. Then you get the fact that both parties have scores of lobbyists and corporate backers and we thusly don't have an "emperor's new clothes" but we get to watch an entire government straight out of the "allegory of the cave". Since the middle class is the majority, despite what the pundits may say, we can take the blame for more of the same. From the local levels on up, if we continue to elect the persons who only somewhat represent us, that's how the laws will be dictated, somewhat mostly not really what we really want and no change in sight.

And that brings me to the keeping silent. Sure, we've been getting more vocal as a populace, but we're years behind other nation's ability to say "fuck you, leaders, quit fucking with my shit". Since Vietnam and Civil Rights, we've had our head in the sand. Brazil, they're voting on banning the sale of guns because 12 kids got shot. Governments are getting overthrown from their dictators (now I'm not saying Obama is a dictator, I'm saying the government is like one big money-happy dictator super-villain). If you actually look for it, you can find all about student and worker protests across Europe, but Americans, generally-speaking, don't give a fuck about Europe.
Wisconsin was an anomaly, not to mention, misguided and a crisis that was undeserved. I just want to say "WHY DO YOU KEEP LETTING THE GOVERNMENT FUCK YOU LIKE YOU'RE A BITCH?!", that's more my style. But me typing those words is rather lame of me. It's still silent. The pen isn't mightier than the sword just as the blog is not mightier than fox news. My audience is few, and I'm sure many of my readers consider me a raving lunatic in the first place. If I motivate just one of the middle class into stopping the silence, even if it's myself, then I have succeeded in abandoning my hypocriteness once and for all. I'm stuck at ground zero though. I don't know my role in all of this. Am I a leader? Am I a unwashed mouthpiece? Am I an activist? Am I worthy of respect on any level whatsoever?

I haven't decided.

So for now, I simply raise my middle finger at myself and my peers and say "You are why America sucks".

Sopa de albondigas

2011-04-07T14:41:00.028-05:00

Have I mentioned that I was thinking "I love you phillip morris" would be an interesting and scathing look at the tobacco industry? a gay prison romance story, you say? that's like, the opposite of what I expected. Dang.

Johnny.Random's 4 random thoughts
1. the beastie boys started as a hardcore punk band back in 1979.
2. Russian is probably one of the sexiest looking written languages. I must be a commie.
3. how many "country" singer ladies are using "ride a horse" as a euphemism for "riding a man" either in cowgirl or reverse cowgirl fashion? fuck "save a horse, ride a cowboy" btw.
4. fyi guys, just because she doesn't like hot dogs doesn't mean she wont chow on ur dong. she may just dislike hot dogs.

god came down to the vatican and said "dudes, you do realise there's girls in those grammar school classes too?"
[Ed. That's fucking awful. You think the world would be less pissed at the church-allowed pederasty if it was with girls instead of boys?]
Yep.
[Ed. *Shakes head and groans in the style of Kif Kroker*]

I wanted to use the phrase "fire coming out of the monkey's head" in a sentence.
So, was fire coming out of the monkey's head?
done.
[Ed. You lazy shitheel.]
hehe. ass.

johnny.random's "captain obvious" statement of the day: "man dude ac/dc are some UGLY fuckin doods"
foreigner, aerosmith and/or def leppard they are not.

fuck me with a used bar of deodorant.
make sure it's solid, not gel, that kinda defeats the purpose.

Rule 34 of the day - Warwick Davis. Uncle Mo - the horse. dp'ing the legal-aged version of Pebbles Flintstone.

moment of silence for my desire to cook soup
..
..
done.
See ya again in November, dude. It was a solid cold-season. pasta fagioli, shrimp soup, sopa de albondigas, lamb & lentil chili ((FC. Lamb & lentil chili is not a soup, technically speaking.)), black bean soup, spicy lentil dhal soup and beef barley soup...it's too hot for you now, go away, you're too salty anyways.

Bucket List Addendum: smear greek yoghurt upon something i dislike (which may or may not be EVERY H3 I SEE). wait a week. wipe off. notice paint missing. laff.
in that order.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "{insert one of them short linky thingys here} SEE? even Chevy Chase is a hawks fan. okok. Clark Griswold at least."

speaking of having bailbondsmen on speed dial...I may or may not be a complete sociopath. I like doing human female studies at the local grocery and target-typed stores. They play coy. Especially when I stare and/or their kids are with them. I like messing with them and pick the item directly next to the one they're taking off the shelf and see them fidget. Even when I just say 'hello'. It's like they're not used to being spoken to. I feel sorry for them. Shopping for groceries in the middle of the day in baggy sweatpants and an old college t-shirt contemplating why they left the corporate world to settle down and wondering why she thought it was a good idea to not wear a bra as her kid pulls at the bottom of her shirt from the shopping cart. It's a good thing I don't get paid to do sociological experiments.
Kidding. Kinda.

I had a dream...that I was tazering a random pedestrian in the satchel when it started raining diapers. I ran and ran but everywhere it was raining diapers. people are getting covered by mounds of pampers and I'm running and squishing and slipping on the cloth ones - that are unwashed, of course. Finally I reach a house that has a diaper cannon in the backyard. I go inside, grab a beer and laugh with Brad Pitt as we fire dirty diapers at the world.

Hi, I'm a stubborn illogical douchenozzle whom blocks all facts pointing to past mistakes being at least 55% my fault ...and ur not

I googled on the google "Chloe Vevrier"
She says they're natural. You be the judge.

I blame fluffer gnomes...spruced gash...and the atomic number 20...
for everything.

speaking of links that contain that confounding thing called reason...Project Reason

[Ed. ...and now for a short commercial break...]
need a sponger to soak up under-boob sweat? call johnny!
need a counterfeit winning lottery ticket that may or may not be cashable? call johnny!
need a prosthesis made up of cardboard and broken funyons? call johnny!
yes that's right! johnny is the best! give him a call today for any of your preferably-non-sexual needs! No request is too random!
[Ed. ...we now return you to your regularly written blogh...]

if you could penetrate britney spears and/or lindsay lohan with a pirate's peg leg , would you? I know, I know, it's smaller than the usual items, but it's kinda neat to think about b/c it's not like pirates are around anymore so the wood would be all old and sliver-y.

I like panooch. I should develop poondar. Just be sure not to forget the 'n'.
My bad, it was my community college acting up.

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...Aries: That time you went to boy scout camp dressed up in an androgynous stuffed animal suit and dropped a shitton of acid resulted in something unsatisfactory. Today you will either get arrested for pederasty (the actual term of criminal charge will vary by state/country that you reside in) and/or meet the mother of your illegitimate teenage son.

i just wanna hang out in the freezer section and check out their turkey timers
File that under: not a euphemism...this time.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I've still lacked the fortitude to write my own gospel. Or belief in god. Or historical knowledge of the middle east. Or the ability to write in Hebrew, Aramaic and/or Latin.
[Ed. You're certainly batshit crazy enough...]
Yeah. I know. If only I had the balls.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if old lady under-boobs get sweaty or are excessively dry like old lady panooch. Pardon me whilst I go vomit, perchance you mayst hath a change of topic you can share with I?

There's 6,910,757,374 people in the world...
If the average person weighs between 175 and 350 pounds, if 90% of the people on earth were to die tomorrow, there would be between 544,222,143 and 1,088,444,286 tons of dead bodies for the remaining 691,075,737 people to either clean up or ignore.
Not sayin, just sayin.

johnny.random recommends: Whenst at a hotel, either insert some fluids (bodily or otherwise) into the nightstand bible and/or tear out random pages. You know, for funsies. Or you can hollow it out like in those spy movies and drop a travel version of the koran or the gospel of the flying spaghetti monster in there.

"The sheer drama of this election has driven voter turnout to its highest level in centuries: six percent."
...Now that's good writing

Challenge: "Baptism for the dead" to "Brain Damage" on the wiki in 10 steps
1. Neologism
2. Nonce word
3. Bananaphone
4. Breakfast
5. Cambodia
6. Angkor Wat
7. Resin
8. Alcohol
9. Long-term effects of alcohol
10. Brain shrinkage (redirects to Brain damage)

is it just me or would it be hellaawesome to devolve people who don't believe in evolution back into flatworms? or Tetrapodes? or Therapsids? or Euarchontoglires? or Eukaryotes?
Ok. Enough geekness. yeah.

"hey kids! tell your mom to suck my dick!"
Notice the quotes...
I may or may not have said that IRL. I may or may not have just typed it.

"Read Eric Hoffer"
...and that's how babies are made...at small liberal arts colleges, I think. Help me out here, Dave.

Holy Yummy Funny YumYums, Batman! The AntiDogma twitted about sneezes, ROFL!
To which Batman growled: "I will NOT stand for you reading that drivel nonsense about my religion. "god bless you" is a term of courtesy, not god."
To which Robin disagreed: "but people used to say "god bless your soul" because people actually thought that sneezes were devils and demons trying to pull your soul out."
To which Batman pimpslapped Robin. It's ok, it wasn't a closed fist.
Super Eminem walked in, smelling of weed, cussed a little, distracting the caped duo with his masterfully nonsensical ravings, grabbed a burrito and some sopa de albondigas, left the room, ate, masturbated, smoked some more weed, wrote another rap, then fell asleep.
It was a fine evening in Gotham.

Fuck it, im moving to the middle east. Well, close to the middle east. I want to awe in the splendor of a government being overthrown by pissed off citizens who are fairly certain that their officials don't accurately represent them and are hoarding tax & tithe money for all their rich corporate & international friends, standard of living is dropping to levels not seen in decades, and there's a constant risk of martial law killing them dead despite plethoras of guns.
In the middle east, I said, you asses *winkwinknudgeunudge*.

That's a no-win situation, dude

2011-03-14T15:14:00.001-05:00

Have I mentioned that I actually do think I'm meant for greatness? Like, ruler of the world greatness. The problem is no one else thinks I'm great. The world would be so awesome if everyone just followed me blindly, ya know? Giving orders and shit just isn't my style, I guess people just have to know what I want...and do that. Keep in mind that I have imagination...and that's WAY more relevant than facts. Facts. pfft.

Johnny.Random's 4 random thoughts
1. jizz lobster.
2. I've never known a dude whom hath peed himself with laughter.
3. If you look up Lady Gaga's feminine measurements, you may notice that she's short and has a nice set of Italian birthing hips.
4. now with 98% more beef taint! [Ed. Disturbing.]

god came down to japan and said "my bad, dudes, I meant to hit california with that".

I wanted to use the phrase "pants-shittingly awesome" in a sentence.
A video depicting Kathy Ireland doing anything whilst nude, including having sex, would be pants-shittingly awesome.
done.
See? I got this.

johnny.random's "captain obvious" statement of the day: "Wayne Gretzky: would have been the greatest black hockey player ever, had he been black"
yeah i stole the quote from The Onion. I love them. Like, WAY more than I love Charlize Theron and Zooey Deschanel COMBINED.
Nevermind, I just had a mental picture of the two of them together and there's no way The Onion can top that.

fuck me with a hot dog bun.
[Ed. Bun?]
cuz fucking me with a hot dog would be gay. or something.
[Ed. You're so gay.]
Ass.

One of the high-ranking lamas went into Steven Spielberg's office to pitch his idea for a dramedy about the transcendental hijinks of his fellow Buddhist Monks.
he was naked, of course, and sat on the floor, chanting his mantra "Hakuna Matata" over and over again. Richard Gere entered, also naked, of course, and sat next to the lama - his mantra was the full uncensored version of 'Gerbil' - by Stephen Lynch. Mice that were living in Steven Spielberg's desk ran to the window and committed suicide. Johnny Depp entered, clothed from the waist up as Captain Jack Sparrow (with full makeup), with Orlando Bloom ball valet-ing his uncannily tan scrotum. Johnny Depp began singing his favourite pirates song, 'Pirates', by Emerson, Lake & Palmer. Whilst singing, he unveiled a paint palette with different shades of brown, that you may correctly assume that contained different flavours of Johnny Depp's own brand of brown. He began painting the naked bodies of the high ranking lama and Richard Gere in different shades of stink. Orlando Bloom tossed his cookies a few times into Richard Gere's lap. About 4 and a half hours later, Steven Spielberg cut them off, asking both what it was called, and if there was an ending anywhere in sight.
Depp responded, "the aristocrats!", pulled out a pirate-themed pistol, shot the lama and Richard Gere, nodded to his ball valet, and left.

moment of silence for my longing for a simpler time, say, 1995
..
..
done.
yeah, ace ventura 2, braveheart, mellon collie and the infinite sadness and junior year of high school can suck my dicks. 2011 is where it's at, bitches! ((FC. It is a coincidence that the phrase "where it's at" is also from 1995.)) Dude, come on. It was on purpose. ((FC. It was not on purpose.))

Bucket List Addendum: create a clone of yourself. have sex with it. drink some scotch.
in that order.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "Me want Lexus CTh. Buy me it nao! not in silver or white, tho. 42 mpg make johnny go something something"

speaking of jewish heavy metal bands...all the wisconsin political crap has got me thinking...there's probably a few hermaphrodites in the illinois state senate. Well, at least a governor in illinois is a hermaphrodite. Or he has fucked a hermaphrodite. Or he has known a hermaphrodite, like maybe his ex-wife or both of his sons. Or maybe he just wears women's panties. Yeah.

I had a dream...that I was at a club with Katy Perry and I get up to take a piss. BJ Novak (from The Office) is in there and wont let me leave the bathroom until I look at his dick and tell him if the sores he has are herpes. I, obviously, don't want to look at his dick so after numerous attempts of flashing me his dick, I beat him to death with a toilet seat, then go make sweet afternoon delight with Katy Perry.
It was weird.

Hi, I'm the guy who didn't have sex with that girl on top of a fire truck ...and ur not.
Um, wait.
Yeah.
Maybe I'm the multidimensional entity currently traveling thru a finite number of dimensions...and ur not.

I googled on the imagesGoogle "blackhawks ice crew"
It was thrilling, to say the least. It was odd to actually sit close enough to see cleavage tho. Good thing I'm awesome at hiding my boners.
Kidding. Kinda.

I blame that chick on aeon flux that has hands instead of feet...the geo metro...and the impending Lingerie Football League lockout ((FC. At least one of the aforementioned blamed entities does not exist.))

http://thereifixedit.failblog.org/
but don't go onto real failblog, it's lame.

What is the youngest age?
What is the youngest age child that you would punch in the face?
What is the youngest age child that you would punch in the face for no reason?
What is the youngest age child that you would punch in the face for no reason except for the unmitigated assumption that said child did unspeakable things to your house pets?
BTW, I was going to cross the line in sentence 5, but I decided not to.
The answer is 15.
Or 42. I forget.

if you could penetrate britney spears and/or lindsay lohan with 20 dudes in a conga line, would you? Well, first you gotta spread out the dicks.

DRILL, BABY, DRILL!!!1
My bad, it was my community college acting up. That certainly doesn't explain why I see 8 or 9 people post the same thing as a comment to every single gasbuddy.com article. People whom drive overpriced SUVs with the Eddie Bauer package, I bet.

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...Pisces: Today, when your power is out, Jenny Hendrix will break into your house and became impregnated by your dog, which doesn't happen to be a dog, but a human-ish shapeshifter from the future. She will get pissed cuz she is whoring herself to the dog for money for meth but the dog wont pay. Something about not having thumbs and his wallet being in his other pair of fur. She will take your dvd player. Don't press charges tho, or she'll sue your dog for rape.
If you don't have a dog, today is gonna suck, you fucking cat lover.

"I'll suck your dick for a chimichanga!"
File that under: Things that I never have heard outside an El Famous Burrito, yet suspect someday I may hear outside an El Famous Burrito.

One thing I'm really glad about is that Neil Patrick Harris used to fuck chicks. You know, cuz my childhood would seem so much different-er if the sitcom doctor that which I was nicknamed after just happened to take man-pole in his mouth as a teenager. [Ed. Johnny Doogie has been known to crave man-pole.] No. Ass.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if men and/or women still pleasure themselves to sports illustrated swimsuit issue pictures of Kathy Ireland. I think it's kinda ironic that she's like super-like-all into god and stuff yet she's caused untold amounts of ejaculate to be wasted upon sticky pages of sports illustrated swimsuit issues. It would be less ironic if the bible says teenage boys aren't supposed to father children or something. I didn't read that far so, whatever.
Yeah.

There's 6,905,154,427 people in the world...
At least 51% of those people don't belong to a psychedelic street gang. That's 3,521,628,757 people.
Of the people who aren't in a psychedelic street gang, at least 51% of those people don't wear hemp clothing. That's 1,796,030,666 people.
Of the people who aren't in a psychedelic street gang and don't wear hemp clothing, at least .001% of those people are in denial about their desire to wear hemp clothing and/or join a psychedelic street gang. That's 17,960 people.
That would be a pretty formidable stinky and tripping band of hooligans.
We should be worried.

johnny.random recommends: (men): Do something completely awful (like calling ur girlfriend a vaginal cum dumpster cunt) so that you are called a shallow selfish douchenozzle. (women): Call your man a shallow selfish douchenozzle - you don't need a reason, in fact, he'll probably laugh.

"i don't really like politics so much as i like arguing with people who are too stupid to know their opinions are wrong"
...Now that's good writing
That pretty much sums me up.

Challenge: "Spacetime" to "Unknown unknown" on the wiki in 9 steps
1. Muons (redirects to "Muon")
2. Lamb shift
3. Microwave
4. Less-than-lethal (redirects to "Non-lethal weapon")
5. Pain compliance
6. Plausible deniability
7. Aesopian language
8. Doublespeak
9. Unknown unknown (redirects to "There are known knowns")

is it just me or would the "foot fuckers" scene on Weeds been totally less awesome if it was his foot fucking a butthole instead of the panooch?

"You people voted for Hubert Humphrey, and you killed jesus. "
Notice the quotes...
it's a little rarer a quote than usual. good luck.

"the gravedigger puts on the forceps"
...and that's how babies are made.
well, maybe not those words specifically, but I bet the singer of said words has been known to moisten the ladies.

Holy superimposed pictures of sarah palin's head on Wonder Woman's body, Batman!
To which Batman printed the pictures and said: "I'm gonna go 'poop'" (air quotes are implied but were not actually acted by the one known as Batman...we can assume Batman was referring to masturbation).
Robin, of course, continued searching for the Batman-horsecock photoshoppes that Super Eminem put on the internets as part of a flamewar that he and Batman were engaged in. Batman had previously released the off-color rap titled "Dre Raped You" (parody of "We Made You").
Surely, there will be gunplay in the near future with this rap-battle in West Gotham.

Fuck it, im moving to a luxury automobile. Fuck houses. My back would probably feel better if I slept in the backseat of a brand new Cadillac DTS.
So yeah.
I'm moving there.

The 5 Year Anniversary of the Blog blog

2011-02-02T16:40:00.004-06:00

Time to break format again. This half decade has really seen me develop as a writer, though none will doubt that I may have certainly taken on a bit more William S. Burroughs-ish sickfuck style in the more recent blogs with my infusion of the aristocrats bit and the ever-evolving homosexual play between my gay Batman & Robin. I like where my blog is going and where I can take it as well. If one person laughs a bit harder than they expected or thinks just a bit harder about something, then I've done my job. Not that this is a job. Far from it. I enjoy it, and thankfully am able to keep it free from ads and still not pay a dime (or earn a dime for that matter). I've tossed the idea around to publish this here thing to reach a wider audience but I don't have the confidence or the egotistical need to succeed at my work.

That being said, I understand my style better than I did when I started 5 years ago, and I've continued to refine both my methods and formats, says the man who has wrote such uplifting lines as "I wonder how smart I am compared to the smartest retarded person.", "...to which someone would say "HIDE THE DICKS!"" and "If dick tasted better, would chicks give more head? It's not like I'm saying douse it in chocolate syrup or steak sauce or anything. I'm going back to my genetic engineering thing. Like, if the skin in the man-parts could excrete candy flavoring upon application of female saliva.". Well, I remain entertained by the whole process, from the planning, brainstorming with the other writer(s), the actual writing, the editing, the proofreading all the way to reading the finished product (and editing and proofreading again). I suppose it's a taste of what being an actual writer must be like, but slow down, I've already said I'm not emotionally ready for that yet [Ed. ie. The writer(s) of johnny.random have commitment issues.] Ass.

You may have noticed that I started from free form for a while, mostly of a traditional "this is whats happening in my life" kind of blog. I got away from that, thankfully.
The rejuvenation happened in early 2007 when I adopted the (generally) 16 passage format. The format was pretty loose. I relied on quotes a lot, and had a lot of one-liners. It was funny, sure, but in hindsight was about half lame, and that's excluding the phase when I still thought dane cook was funny.
I reinvented the blog after somewhat of a hiatus in 2008. Early 2009 brought the funny to a new level. My psyche was exposed, but I was wearing pants. Pardon the mental picture. Passages have been retired and reworded but the core is getting more solid. The Batmans, the 4 random thoughts, the continuing penetration of Britney Spears's vag with increasingly large objects!
The reader(s) overall have responded well to the new format. That, and the ease of reading thru the book of faeces has certainly directed some more traffic to the blog.
So what does the future hold? Well, the writer(s) are jettisoning ideas to increase the passage count to 30. There will be many studies and focus groups to determine which oh these passages will be most pleasing to the average reader. ((FC. The previous line is a falsehood. Do not attempt to contact the writer(s) of the blog to make money in said focus group)) Right. There will be much gnashing of teeth, generally, at least a blog a month as has been usual. All that, and more. Honestly, I don't know what the future holds other than that 30 passage count thing, so, lick my satchel if you expect a laundry list of policialish lies of expectations.

Speaking of satchels...the few of you reader(s) who have been on board since blog one, thank you. I'd thank you individually but I have a rash and I think it's contagious. ((FC. The previous line is a falsehood. He just doesn't want to see you and/or doesn't know you well enough to care about you personally.))

Of course, I encourage those of you who have been reading since early 2006, and/or those of you who have read this accidentally thinking it may be something actually funny...to go ahead and rifle through the 210 existing blog posts and continue to let me know your favorite bits and passages. Or your least favorites. Or your hate mail. Or your naked pictures. Or your clothed pictures. Or your cartoons. Or your photoshopped pictures of your mom fucking sponge bob squarepants.
Yeah. The last thing. and dictotomy. Cool word. Yeah.
...
I know, I know, the blog is a few days late. We had a bit of a gigantic fucking snowstorm here on the day I was going to edit this but I was seriously in a demented pain coma, like, to the point that I was seeing shit from being in so much pain [Ed. ...and the writer(s) did a whole lot of peyote on accident.] [Ed. Kidding. Kinda.]
...
...and I was gonna put together a best of... set of blogs for the whole anniversary celebration but yeah, I'm not jumping the shark yet [Ed. ...just doing massive amounts of peyote accidentally.]

ah, and welcome back to two...I dunno, let's call them entities, who've been missed over the past few months, signore editor and fact checker!
[Ed. *takes bow to a rousing set of applause* Thank you, thank you. Now go home and get your fucking shinebox]
((FC. Thanks, and please note that the writer(s) of johnny.random do not own nor are in the possession of a fucking shinebox))

Really. I hope you all have enjoyed the blog as much as the writer(s) have. Thanks for a good 5, and here's to 5 more!

Do you have a dorsal fin?

2011-01-11T11:11:00.004-06:00

Have I mentioned that I don't approve of Natalie Portman's pregnancy? I don't. I have higher standards for my public starlets. I mean, a choreographer? Dude. Even a bloated washed up Val Kilmer would be a better source of sperm than a choreographer. I'd keep going but I was reminded that she shares a birth date (yes, even the same year) as my brother. So, that being said, and the outside chance that somehow she's a long-lost twin of my brother, I want to have sex with her just a tiny bit less.
Yeah.

Johnny.Random's 4 random thoughts
1. Numerologists are cumming today. well, at 8:11 PM in military time, there'll probably be cum on keyboards. Not mine though. That's sick.
2. Assassins shouldn't get the death penalty, they should be forced to fuck themselves to death.
3. Polytheistic mythology/religion is so much more entertaining than monotheistic ones.
4. i haven't licked jamie lee curtis's clitphallus. yet.

god came down to the middle east and said "dude, that's not how i created the universe, quit telling it that way. ass."
to whom he was speaking, I'm not sure, but i laffed. god also referenced the -if there's no god, then how does color exist- argument and claimed he created color as well.
science. pfft.

I wanted to use the phrase "dick cancer" in a sentence.
Will Ferrell was massaging John C. Reilly's prostate whilst both were naked and Reilly kept pulling at Will's free hand to massage his private parts but Will Ferrell said "Stop, Dick! Cancer is serious and you gotta wait until I check your prostate."
done.

fuck me with a pair of lederhosen. Just make sure they're clean, ok...and that the girl administering said lederhosen is donned in dirndl

Richard Gordon went into Steven Spielberg's office to pitch his idea for a movie based on the Apollo 12 space launch.
He was naked, of course, and began demonstrating how a zero-g masturbatory episode would occur. He told Steven to hold the picture of Playboy Playmate DeDe Lind at about eye level. "Ok, now hold it steady. Ur playing the role of Pete Conrad" He told him as he ran across the room to get his other props, all the while making spaceship sound effects like *beep* and *psssht* (the air supply noise for all you noobs) He began alternating with keeping himself hard and shooting various semen-colored liquids and gels towards Spielberg, always cumming up short. He was beginning to get frustrated. "What the heck, the cum is supposed to *squirt* thru the air, float across the flight deck and *splat* your face!" Spielberg lowered the picture away from his face, Gordon immediately noticed the picture was lowered, giggling: "HAH! I get to bust on ur face! you moved the picture Pete!"...and began 'swimming' from one side of the office to the other in mock-zero-g (all the while in standard-g, mind you). He then released into Spielberg's face. He was not amused but still asked what the name of the movie was to be.
"the aristocrats!"
Spielberg pointed to the door: "GET OUT! We've had enough of your space crap! I don't know what's worse, you or Hawking always pitching these lame zero-g masturbation stories then blowing your jizz in my face!"
Gordon cowered and covered his manparts as he inched out of the room crying, saying "but I'm an astronaut. I'm smart. Why don't people respect me. fucking neil armstrong."

moment of silence for the Oregon Ducks and the PAC-10 thinking they can compete with the juggernaut that is the SEC.
....
done.
Oh, and someone please tell every male redneck cocksucker in the Matthews family that barbers and Great Clips exist. Unless that is what their buttlovers yank on when they're getting it from behind, then I guess they can keep the hippie hair.

Bucket List Addendum: learn how to draw. but only learn how to draw molecules viewed through a microscope. from memory. yeah.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "Snow. Pfft. Call me when it's raining frozen fish tacos (not a euphemism - nor a Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs reference), then I'll be impressed."

speaking of legitimately tactful responses to the death penalty argument...I'd really like opec and canada to fuck our country, petroleum speaking. I would be so impressed if someone actually stood up to the United States of Consumers. it would be so fun to hear the shit spewing from the retard masses. we whine like little bitches when we can't fill up our ford pickup trucks (new-22mpghwy) ,ford explorers (new- 25 mpghwy) or hummer (h3- new 18mpghwy) for under $200. Here's an idea...wake the fuck up and quit crying. We have among the lowest gas prices in the world because we're the largest demand in the world. We have the collective power to end the entire world's dependence on oil and still choose some of the most inefficient models...and yes I'm aware I'm a hypocrite, I just don't have the money to blow on a new car right now so suck my dicks.

Hi, I'm a food artisan and food consumer of epic proportions... and ur not.
Think I'm not, when's the last time you ate two 1/2# burgers in one sitting?
That's right, back off, bitchticles.

I googled on the imagesGoogle "Willa Ford"...even with safesearch on strict, you will be pleasantly pleased.
And if that's not motivation to shave your balls, then turn in your mancard. now.

I blame oral copulation...neil diamond...and fidel castro's ass cancer.

I had a brain.
I had a brain but it got corrupted.
I had a brain but it got corrupted by booze.
I had a brain but it got corrupted by booze and I forgot what else.
I had a brain but it got corrupted by booze and I forgot what else so I must be a genius to have forgotten all the bad stuff.
I had a brain but it got corrupted by booze and I forgot what else so I must be a genius to have forgotten all the bad stuff so worship me, I am your god.
I had a brain but it got corrupted by booze and I forgot what else so I must be a genius to have forgotten all the bad stuff so worship me, I am your god and I demand that you sacrifice all of your heathenly celebrity idols to me.
I had a brain but it got corrupted by booze and I forgot what else so I must be a genius to have forgotten all the bad stuff so worship me, I am your god and I demand that you sacrifice all of your heathenly celebrity idols to me whilst I masturbate upon their corpses that are drenched in blood and body organs.
I had a brain but it got corrupted by booze and I forgot what else so I must be a genius to have forgotten all the bad stuff (except for the constant verbal abuse and self-loathing that I experienced for nearly 25 years of my life) so worship me, I am your god and I demand that you sacrifice all of your heathenly celebrity idols (including the pure ones whom haven't sinned at all - including Natalie Portman) to me whilst I masturbate upon their corpses that are drenched in blood and slap-chopped pieces of body organs and/or watch with a bored stare whilst I play with my rubik's cube and get fellated by 3 64-year-old nuns dressed as the virgin mary whom are all required to have cross-shaped phalluses embedding into their orifices whilst performing said fellatio.
BTW, I crossed the line at sentence 8...and kept going.
unfriending on facebook shall ensue.

http://io9.com/5350525/thirteen-rules-for-making-a-mutant
self explanatory. sfw. and yes, im watching heroes again.

if you could penetrate britney spears and/or lindsay lohan with the island of Oahu, would you? You'll need to give them a few weeks to stretch out the vag. Oahu is pretty big.

men shouldn't be able to cum embryos. I'll explain. women would be only the womb & nutrition. guys would shoot a fertilized egg up in there instead of semen. abortions would go up 500% in the first 2 months of this ability.
My bad, it was my community college acting up.

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...Leo: god might actually be listening to you today. pray to god today and you may or may not be disappointed tomorrow.

"Throw frogs into a pot of boiling water, and they’ll make a frantic effort to escape. But place them in a pot of tepid water, turn the heat on, and the frogs sit complacently in the pot, and because the gradual change in temperature never seems alarming, are boiled to death."
File that under: things sick psychopaths say in biology class.
I was gonna say it would go in the pretty accurate analogy of the american people file...but i didn't. kinda.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I've never had sex whilst listening to Depeche Mode. By myself or otherwise.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is why the world willingly auditorily consumes limp bizkit and nine inch nails and linkin park's fake angst and thinks it's genuine and good music. fake angst pisses me off. get some real angst or get off the fucking radio

There's 311,874,043 people in the United States...
If a plague or the flu or some shit wiped out 99% of the population, That's 3,118,740 people.
That's about 1,559,370 of each gender.
Yet, if I were lucky enough to survive, there are not odds to predict how many of those not killed by a fatal virus will be ugly crack whores...or my likelihood of only crack whores being in my vicinity with the purpose of repopulating the decimated country.
Methinks I'd still do a crack whore if such were the case.
Yeah.

johnny.random recommends: never put your baby in an oven. ever.
...and if you were thinking about doing such a thing, I have a few websites that show how to give testicular torsion that I can act out with you.

"Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed."
Now that's good writing
And no, it wasn't Marx who said it, it was 5-Star General and President Dwight D. Eisenhower...a republican.
Suck it.

Challenge: "Great Lakes Storm of 1913" to "Cataclysm will take place on December 21, 2012" on the wiki in 11 steps
1. Lake Huron
2. Chinook salmon
3. Toxins (redirects to Toxin)
4. Monosodium glutamate
5. Tortilla chips (redirects to Tortilla chip)
6. Mexican food (redirects to Mexican cuisine)
7. Mayan cuisine (redirects to Maya cuisine)
8. Maya mythology
9. Maya civilization
10. Maya calendar
11. Cataclysm will take place on December 21, 2012 (redirects to 2012 phenomenon)
I'm not sayin, I'm just sayin.

is it just me or would having a gold cock be fucking awesome? fuck skin. i want to have a dick attached to my body made of solid gold.

"Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?"
Notice the quotes...
not that I needed to say "notice the quotes", for I have a male sexual organ and lesbianism in its proper definition, would not include any references to male sexual organs, unless I was being used as simply a phallus.
Why I explained, I don't know. fuck it.

"Ah shit, she's got a fat ass."
...and that's how babies are made.

Holy quasi-religious zealots blocking the exit to the batcave, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "No worries, Boy Wonder, we're going to a rally"
To which Robin asked: "a rally? will there be rainbows involved?"
To which Batman angrily said: "NO! your marriages will not be recognized! dirty sodomites!"
Batman gruffly grabbed Robin and tied him up, dragging him to the rally.
The news the next morning hadn't yet identified the body left in the park...but these reader(s) know the story.
Super Eminem?
Oh, he was busy. He has a legit alibi, don't worry.

Fuck it, im moving to the middle east in the very early first century...then film the "virgin" mary (whom I suspect wasn't the most attractive mother in Israel) getting banged...then come back and put that shit on the internets.
odd. i can hear people unsubscribing and unfriending me on facebook.
Must be the technopathy.

Might I say good riddance

2010-12-31T16:20:00.016-06:00

Have I mentioned that my self-loathing level peaked around December 15th, 2010? It has. Maybe now I can work on kissing my own ass more frequently. Also, I've decided to not write any fart jokes, political jokes and buttsex jokes at least until 2011. Sorry if you were looking forward to those.

Johnny.Random's 4 random thoughts
1. The plural form of mouse is mice, which is cool. But mice suck more than mouse.
2. Sex is underrated by people who don't get it enough. Either that or they're no good at it and shouldn't reproduce.
3. If you robbed Fort Knox of a double buttload of gold then traveled back in time to ancient Greek times, you could buy Athens or something.
4. I'm glad I'm not famous. yet.

god came down to the middle east and said "dude. What are you doing? The calendar that we use in HEAVEN is WAY different. It's like March right now."

I wanted to use the phrase "menstrual blood" in a sentence.
Women have what we call 'periods' during which men dislike having sex with women because their primary sexual orifice is doused with menstrual blood or something.
done.

fuck me with a book of fart jokes.
just use lube.
man dude, this passage is really getting ridiculous.

johnny cash's ghost went into Steven Spielberg's office to pitch his idea for a biopic about his life as a music star.
he was naked, of course. Steven cut him off and told him they already made a movie about him, and it was actually pretty good. So, the ghost went up to Spielberg's desk muttering "goddamn fucking joaquin phoenix, that fucking hack."...took a ghost shit on the desk, grabbing his ghost guitar and saying "the aristocrats!" as he left.
Don't worry, Peter Venkman cleaned it up.

moment of silence for my old flood gate valve that was plugging up my entire sewer line.
....
done.
I saw corn, btw.

Bucket List Addendum: Figure out which chemical imbalance I have thru self-diagnosis.
Notice I didn't say anything about self-medicating said chemical imbalance. I just wanna know why I desire to eat lion meat so badly.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "ok. it's 50 degrees today. I guess I'll start looking tomorrow to find cities that rarely experience frozen precipitation. I laughed at the snow when it was melting. fuck snow."

speaking of candy canes...methinks it's about time that I set the record straight.
You know, the white album. It was in my trunk and got warped a little. How do you straighten it?

Hi, I'm still a fan of Chevy Chase and Robert Downey Jr... and ur not. Well maybe you are. Iron Man 2 voided my heterosexual man-crush on Downey Jr tho. And ruined my belief that Sam Rockwell had artistic integrity.

I googled on the imagesGoogle "Michelle Ryan eyes"
It's ok, safe search was on. Nothing kinky except her pics with sideboob. She's got nice eyes. and a man-chin. and a set of female-sized breasts.

I blame Lolcode...Lasers...and automatic flushing toilets.
For everything.

Geena Davis used to be hot.
Geena Davis used to be hot and is actually a smart chick.
Geena Davis used to be hot and is actually a smart chick, kinda like Richard Dreyfus is actually a smart dude.
Geena Davis used to be hot and is actually a smart chick, kinda like Richard Dreyfus is actually a smart dude, so they should fuck.
Geena Davis used to be hot and is actually a smart chick, kinda like Richard Dreyfus is actually a smart dude, so they should fuck and create super hot super smart awesome actor babies.
Geena Davis used to be hot and is actually a smart chick, kinda like Richard Dreyfus is actually a smart dude, so they should fuck and create super hot super smart awesome actor babies unless they are actually first cousins.
Geena Davis used to be hot and is actually a smart chick, kinda like Richard Dreyfus is actually a smart dude, so they should fuck and create super hot super smart awesome actor babies unless they are actually first cousins, but even if that's the case they should move to Mississippi and fuck.
Geena Davis used to be hot and is actually a smart chick, kinda like Richard Dreyfus is actually a smart dude, so they should fuck and create super hot super smart awesome actor babies unless they are actually first cousins, but even if that's the case they could move to Mississippi and fuck because who cares down there if two moderately attractive and talented people fuck, it is after all, Mississippi, the land where the first cousins that do marry are most likely the offspring of incest in the first place, i mean if you're into uncle fucking and stuff like that, Mississippi is the place to be, so why not let Richard Dreyfus's hairy saggy balls flop against Geena Davis's used up wrinkly vagina lips, whom will more than likely pop out a retard anyways cuz she's like 50something years old and old Richard's got that curdled semen so they probably couldn't conceive in the first place unless they used Carrie Underwood's uterus to carry the baby, just so long as you're sure to get that mental picture of Richard Dreyfus's sweaty hog porking Carrie Underwood whilst Geena Davis watches and gets manually masturbated by a dyke that looks like justin bieber (or may actually be justin bieber).
BTW, I crossed the line at sentence 7...and kept going.
Ew. Mental picture bad.

http://www.widro.com/throwpaper.html
there ya go, suck some time.

if you could penetrate britney spears and/or lindsay lohan with Mr. T.'s shaven mohawk circa the early 80s, would you?
Or should I say How would you?
Discuss.

I lied, I don't know the value of pi to 14 places. I ate pie at 14 places.
My bad, it was my community college acting up.

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...Capricorn: If you were born on the cusp of a new year, your parents had sex on or around April 10th of the previous year. Figure out what special event occurred on that evening. Picture them fucking. By reading this (w)horoscope, you are now scarred.
You're welcome for the self-fulfilling prophecy.

"the lawmakers who are making you afraid of government administered health insurance ALL HAVE GOVERNMENT ADMINISTERED HEALTH INSURANCE."
File that under: Yeah I know I wouldn't do a politics joke til next year but I couldn't help it, so suck my bag of dicks.

One thing I'm really glad about is that common fashion excludes the term "slacks" in referring to dress pants. That word pissed me off. Fuck slacks. Fuck words. Fuck language. Fuck autotune. Fuck autoerotic asphyxiation. Fuck breathing. Fuck lungs. Fuck lung fish. Fuck fish. Fuck seafood. Fuck the sea. Fuck the c-word. Fuck pussies. Fuck dane cook. Fuck cooking. Fuck taco bell. Fuck bells. Fuck whistles. Fuck skin flutes. Fuck music. Fuck metabolism. Fuck metal. Fuck iron ore. Fuck irony. Fuck slackjawed yokels wearing american flag tshirts. Fuck slacks.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is who would be on my team if I was on Family Fued. Well, I wouldn't want to leave anyone smart out, but it would be epically cool to fail epically on tv in the style of chunky menstrual blood.

There's 6,890,646,438 people in the world...
About 92% of the people in the world don't use facebook and/or don't give a shit about facebook. That's 6,339,294,722 people.
Yet...Time magazine thought it would be a good idea to name the founder their 'man of the year'
In my words: (Time < menstrual blood)

johnny.random recommends: Getting a DVD burner. Buy a shit load of blank DVDs. Burn a shit load of porn. Mail said porn to sarah palin. laff.

"Bjork slapped you, then kissed you, then fucked your brains out, then wrote a breakup note on your bathroom mirror with her menstrual blood."
Now that's good writing

Challenge: "Nanorobotics" to "Jesus" on the wiki in 9 steps
1. Grey goo
2. Michael Crichton
3. Sexual harassment
4. Groper (redirects to Groping)
5. Groping allegations against Arnold Schwarzenegger (redirects to Arnold Schwarzenegger)
6. Special Olympics
7. George W. Bush
8. Jesus Day
9. Jesus
and no, that's not an invitation to get creationism in schools.

is it just me or would it be awesome to write in cursive whilst you type. The don't have a good font for cursive writing last time I checked, though, like 16 years ago.

"Nobody wants to see a movie about adolf fucking hitler"
Notice the quotes...
good thing Tarantino didn't go with his original script then.

"Here it is, my own little beaver trap."
...and that's how babies are made.

Holy ugly guys messaging me, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "Boy Wonder, you have got to stop it with those shady dating sites."
To which Robin retorted: "But I'm sooooo horny. Once you stopped putting out, I've been like a sex criminal."
To which Batman replied: "Yeah...about that. I meant to tell you the cops are looking for you. I think you should stay in for the holiday tonight."
Robin was aroused: "Orly. Are you going to keep me company."
Batman turned awkwardly as Super Enimem entered, smelling of weed, with Ambien tablets, lube and Magnum condoms.
He shut the door, so one can only imagine how they are celebrating the new year's holiday.

Fuck it, im moving to prison. I'm not gonna commit a crime or something. I'm just gonna move there. No more buying clothes, sheets or food. Easy life. Well, except for the buttrape.
Nevermind.

They are the egg men

2010-12-14T13:17:00.029-06:00

Have I mentioned that it seems rather odd that men prefer both skinny chicks and big boobs? Generally speaking, big boobs are attached to larger women. In other words, encourage weight gain, not weight loss, dudes.

Johnny.Random's 4 random thoughts
1. On most days, I'm only 2 girls away from making a 2 girls, 1 cup video.
2. burgle is a cool word.
3. just because i disagree with like, most of the laws that exist doesn't mean there shouldn't be laws at all. Glad i cleared that up.
4. they should rename 'extra virgin olive oil' to 'extra vagina virgin olive oil'...you know, just so we're clear which hole they're referring to.

god came down to the middle east and said "Heretics make me laugh".
I'm just glad he said it and not me.

I wanted to use the phrase "hands free bj" in a sentence.
a group of former chicago bulls were taking an L train into the city and at the Jefferson Park stop, a former point guard was playing games with the door so Dave Corzine said to him "hands free, BJ!" before the doors closed upon his fingers.
done.
surprise, i gots range, bitches.

fuck me with a bottle of sanitizer.
that's sanitary, right?
erm.
that's sodomy, right?

Bucket List Addendum: kill self by firing 2 glock rounds into my abdomen thru my butthole. laff.
not necessarily in that order.
kidding. about one of those things.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "I suppose I would be in better financial shape if I don't consistently fart when I hear the word frugal."

speaking of a talking lion having sex with a witch that can shoot ice from her breasticles...why can't we use the moon as a weapon? Well, besides the fact that we wouldn't have tides or full moons, and pretty much everything would die. It would be cool to slowly pull the moon towards earth so it crashes into evildoers. disband the military and invest all our money in that.
yeah.

Hi, I'm the dude sitting at a McDonalds wishing Rob Thomas getting blasted by a glock thru his butthole and has all his music ever created somehow destroyed instantaneously...and ur not.

I googled on the google "things made from oil".
I immediately got depressed.
...and yes even the toys that we're buying by the billions to help "stimulate the economy" this presentmas season...are derived from oil in some manner.
keep your head in the sand, you fucks.
I'd comment further but there's another crappy song by Dave Matthews is coming out of the speaker above my head so I want to selfpwn.
...and fuck toys'r'us and that cartoon giraffe.
...and fuck capitalism.
but hey, at least Ron Paul is the Chairman of the House Financial Services subcommittee on monetary policy now.

I blame black hole-powered gamma ray jets and Avril Lavigne.
for everything.

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/George_Carlin
enjoy. try not to curse for the rest of the day after reading that. consider it a challenge.

if you could penetrate britney spears with a Volkswagon Touareg , would you? How about a Jetta? Well, with the Jetta, you'll get better gas mileage as you drive from the opening of her panooch to her cervix. So a TDI would be ideal, I recommend that.

We need more truthiness to catch the rapermurderers.
My bad, it was my community college acting up.

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...Virgo: If you are either a writer at johnny.random or Faith Hill, you will need to repair your vehicle today. Every other Virgo will have the good sex intercourses whilst listening to "This Kiss" by Faith Hill.

20 inches in Minnesota
File that under: Comments generally reserved to describe Shaquille O'Neal's appearance at the Target Center.

One thing I'm really glad about is someone invented happy endings.
no further comment.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is how long it would take to make $100,000 donating sperm...or even how much sperm that is in gallons...or even if it's possible to earn that much money donating sperm...or even if it's possible to make enough sperm to make that much money donating sperm.

There's 1,539,011 men who get divorced in the united states of america each year...
so if only 0.00007% of divorced men poop into their exwife's cooking utensils (such as a rice cooker or ladle), that's one dude.
Was it you?

johnny.random recommends: winning the megamillions tonight and buying the ghostbusters car.

"Immediately after this, a four-second segment of backwards vocals repeats four times. The line quotes: "Devil Child Wake Up And Eat Chef Boyardee Beefaroni""
...Now that's good writing
I forget what song it was tho.

Challenge: "Standard of living" to "Jew" on the wiki in 9 steps
1. Pareto index
2. Probability distribution
3. Intrinsic error (redirects to Observational error)
4. Random error
5. Radar
6. German (redirects to German language)
7. Voiced uvular frictave
8. Modern Hebrew (redirects to Hebrew language)
9. Jews (redirects to Jew)

is it just me or are cars as a mode of transportation really dumb? it'll be awesome to be johnny.random when cars are obsolete, toys are made of arsenic-based bacteria and i can afford that computer that i customized on dell.com that's $11,700.

"faster than you can say 'shallow grave'"
Notice the quotes...

and im spent. fuck batman and robin, my aristocrats bit, the moment of silence passage, my add a word game, and my fuck it im moving to bull shit. im depressed about my car yet giddy its gonna feel like driving a new one when its fixed, relative to how fucked up it was. so fuck depression too. fuck everything about this blog. fuckity fuck fuck...and mother strapaloneon.

Yay for a cheerful title

2010-12-10T12:10:00.003-06:00

...but don't let the cheerful title fool ya. This blog is gonna bring the textually obscene.
Have I mentioned that im glad i dont vlog? I have a face for blogging...and a torso for the modern art museum. That's a bad thing. maybe i can just dress up my wang so it looks like a limbless one-eyed midget and put little baby shoes over my balls. that would be a cool vlog.

Johnny.Random's 4 random thoughts
1. one thing i hope for in the new pirates of the caribbean movie is that penelope cruz is either wearing no eye patch, or only an eye patch. too bad it'll probably be a pg-13 movie.
2. i really hope they never made a porno spoof of the movie 'short circuit'. unless it also starred ally sheedy.
3. if jack black only has one outbreak of herpes, does he call it herpe? maybe just herp? he's pretty derp derp, so herp works.
4. btw, tim burton looks like nicolas cage, only...ugly.

god came down to the middle east and said "You're all wrong".
I didn't hear it in context so I can't comment further.

I wanted to use the phrase "chicago school of economics" in a sentence.
jack black and ben stiller were done fellating one another, each smoking a fag, and were discussing the merits of the chicago school of economics when blackpresident entered and clubbed them each over the head with a rewritten socialist version of the constitution, took all their money and left in a cloud of dust and despair.
done.
is that what the rich are afraid of? Exaggerated nonsense perpetrated by the wrongwing media machine?
answer. yes.

fuck me with a bout of disseminated intravascular coagulation.
not literally, though. that would be messy.

Super Eminem went into Steven Spielberg's office to pitch his idea for a sequel to 8 mile. The dialogue he spoke went something like this:
so im fuckin this chick a bellydancer
christmastime all up on her like prancer
i go-go 3 minutes until i cum-cum
bust a load all up in her bum-bum
skin on skin like white on rice
rice was brown so now i gots the lice
or crabs scabs all up on my nads
shoulda stuck to rappin and the porno mags
turns out that bitch had aids
and later that days and shit
i gave it to dr dre and shit
im dying now but alive like magic
suburban moms ive fucked all up in a panic
cuz i only use the rubber about half the time
the half that im with ke$ha and busta rhymes
freestylin while i coat his booty hole
donkey punchin masterbatin to natalie cole
so im angry that im so bi and so cold {pulls a gun}
bust my shots {shoots spielberg across the torso} as i pick away at this mold
that says i gotta cuss, i gotta fuck and i gotta shoot shit
but im half gay suffering from butt aids and poo dick
all those dicks, those colons and those pussies
and i cant cry cuz crying is for sissies
cryin like your mom, al gore and dane cook
i got no hook,
no chorus and no beat
so whatchu think,
i ask you as i hold my gun against yo feet.
Spielberg, still bleeding profusely, asks what the movie is called.
"the aristocrats!"
Spielberg died whilst writing 'not my style, try Spike'. We assume he was writing about Spike Lee. But we know that we should never assume. When you assume you make an asshole out of yourself.

moment of silence for ron santo
..
..
done.
now can we please stop pretending he was thor's gift to the blue team? he was a dried up illiterate ornery showboating whiney cocksucker whom had a face for radio, and a personality on the radio that can best be described as: like ronnie woowoo, only more drunk and less talented. I'm glad he's dead. There, I said it.

Bucket List Addendum: autoerotically asphyxiate myself. don't die.
in that order.
kidding. about one of those things.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "jack black is going viral on myspace. dude. myspace died, even i knew that. if i ever see that hack, i hope i have a huge stanky fart brewing that i can just rip one on his big fat torso."

speaking of douching orifices with boric acid...I'd be all for reinstituting an american monarchy rule. just so long as it's not the bu$h, nobama or baldwin families that are in charge for a number of generations. mccain's family is cool b/c he's almost dead anyways and his daughter is hot and les...or at least les-curious.
Well, that, and it would be cool to see someone executed on tv for committing regicide.

Hi, I'm the dude that has 35 feet of old feces that looks like oatmeal pudding jello in his sewer line...and ur not.
not a euphemism.

I googled on the google "lion meat".
I done found a place that sells lion meat in Homer Glen, IL.
Yes you didn't misread. Lion meat. I will let you know how it goes.

I blame that time aliens hung me upside down for hours even though i had to pee then i peed on myself...my annual engorging hatred for blatant debt-driven overconsumerism...and the color pink (but not the artist known as Pink, she's cool).

Peanut butter is awesome.
Peanut butter and corn are awesome.
Peanut butter and corn are awesome tasting.
Peanut butter and corn are awesome tasting and they have cool fecal side effects.
Peanut butter and corn are awesome tasting and they have cool fecal side effects but are relatively uncommon materials used in sexual fetishism.
Peanut butter and corn are awesome tasting and they have cool fecal side effects but are relatively uncommon materials used in sexual fetishism, unless you count the fact that jack black prefers to have intercourse whilst wearing peanut butter upon his skin.
Peanut butter and corn are awesome tasting and they have cool fecal side effects but are relatively uncommon materials used in sexual fetishism, unless you count the fact that jack black prefers to have intercourse with any orifice remaining of a male midget's limbless torso whilst wearing peanut butter upon his skin.
Peanut butter and corn are awesome tasting and they have cool fecal side effects but are relatively uncommon materials used in sexual fetishism (like bestiality, sodomy, water sports, coprophilia, furry, S&M and that stuff your mom likes), unless you count the fact that jack black publicly stated that he prefers to have intercourse with any orifice remaining of a male midget's limbless torso whilst wearing peanut butter upon his skin whilst his lover ben stiller beats off whilst crying and raping himself rectally with fresh uncooked ears of super sweet corn, which overall makes their gay food competition with matt damon and ben affleck (whom both have buttaids) more obtuse because the best those two could come up with is buttsex upon ramen noodles whilst eating pickled beef taint whilst watching the porno version of the bill cosby show.
BTW, I crossed the line at sentence 7...and kept going

http://www.skepticalscience.com/co2-temperature-correlation.htm
science is phun. and sfw

if you could penetrate britney spears with a moldy beanie baby, would you? Yeah, the stipulation would be that the beanie baby would need to sit in stagnant sewer backup for at least 36 hours, then allowing time for the mold to grow (48-72 hours) before using said object as a phallic phallus. Secondary stipulation would be that you hafta hang her upside down by her feet whenst the mold is growing. Surely she will contribute much urine upon her torso in that time.
So with the stipulations, would you?

"the only logical conclusion is illogical."
My bad, it was my community college acting up.

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...Libra: Don't think your dog wagging its tail at the girl you walk dogs with on friday afternoons is a sign you are destined to be together. that girl is actually a dude...and is high as a kite... and is totally in to you and your virginal butthole. in other words, today would be a good day to not walk your dog.

"ur lips would make a lollipop happy"
File that under: things torsos say to heads when they're bored and hungry.

One thing I'm really glad about is that the white sucks resigned paulie, and signed adam dunn...and the blue team signed a dude who hasn't hit over .250 in the last 3 seasons (not even over .200 last year) who wasnt even good enough to stay on my amateur fantasy baseball team, to a $10mil contract. wake me up in september so i can laugh.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is what crime the following activity would fall under: Let's say you're a lumberjack sawing down a tree...and a limbless deaf mute midget rolls up to you and starts taunting you in a Stephen Hawking voice...and you were to, say, in the midst of witnesses, saw the tree so it falls upon said midget's torso, killing said midget instantly. Now take the same activity but add the fact that you have a kickass lawyer.

There's 5,964,666,628 people in the world outside of africa...
about 97.2% of that are meat-eaters. That's 5,797,655,962 people.
so, even if only 0.005% of meat eaters outside of africa would eat lion meat, that's still 2,898,828 fucking people so don't judge me, you hypocritical "but I only eat meat that's humanely killed and only animals that are ugly and not endangered...and mcdonalds" fuck.

johnny.random recommends: making a home-sized sour patch kids candy maker that with which you can create sour patch kids on demand. Other writer(s) suggest perhaps a jelly bean or gummi bear maker may be appropriate for some households as well. johnny.random can recommend on-demand candy machines.

"Her father eats many beer bottles and you see pieces of glass sticking from his throat. Hes covered in blood."
...Now that's good writing
now THAT'S comedy. or horror. I can't remember.

Challenge: "REO Speedwagon" to "Intellectual disability" on the wiki in 8 steps
1. pop (redirects to Pop music)
2. ABBA
3. Playboy Records
4. Barbi Benton
5. Hospital Massacre
6. Sociopath (redirects to Psychopathy)
7. Mental disorder
8. Mental retardation (redirects to Intellectual disability)

is it just me or is it a bizarre form of irony that pickup driving retards are associating rising gas prices with a leftist agenda to force everyone to buy electric cars?

"don't fear god's love, he hasn't got anyone pregnant in 2000 years"
Notice the quotes...

Holy rampant unrest regarding tax policy, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "ROFL, Boy Wonder, you call that rampant unrest? The rich get their way in this country, and the poor suck bags of dicks. You KNOW we're going to get our way."
To which Robin retorted: "But the poor need those tax cuts more than the rich! And the benefits! And the Estate Tax lowered! We can't cut those rich people taxes unless we cut something out of the budget, and our lobbyist buddies in the oil and defense sectors will have blackpresident impeached if he touches their moneybags."
Batman was angered: "LISTEN, YOU LITTLE SHIT. IT'S AGAINST THE VERY STRUCTURE OF AMERICAN CAPITALISM TO REDISTRIBUTE WEALTH. Tell those whiney bitches to get up off their lazy hand-out wanting asses and get jobs and pay taxes like the rest of us."
Super Eminem burst in, offering a gift of joints to the pair.
Robin left the room.
Batman hesitated. Then followed and replied: "Just don't tell Superman."
It was a melancholy day in Gotham.

Fuck it, im moving to England. Apparently, Helena Bonhan Carter lives there and a 2008 study found that British people are the most promiscuous in the industrialised world. Such ranking was ascribed to factors such as the decline of religious scruples about extramarital sex. Well, if you read that study, you may also consider New Zealand...and so do I. just so i can get far away from the religious scruples of this country. scruples suck my bag of dicks.
yeah.

the obligatory november post

2010-11-30T11:30:00.000-06:00

Have I mentioned that I'm a solutions kind of guy? I never said they were good solutions. i would get shit done if i was in charge. id be wildly unpopular, get teabagged in the press and probably be assassinated. which is why i dont run for office. well, that and noone sane would vote for me. family included.

Johnny.Random's 4 random thoughts
1. logic. pfft.
2. teabagging is a gateway sexual act.
3. Bill Maher probably gets at least half as many blow jobs a week as snoop dogg
4. have you ever seen a drunk retard? it would be so funny and not funny at the same time.

god came down to the middle east and said to everyone "you should have pulled out".
I didn't hear it in context so I can't comment further.

I wanted to use the phrase "skittle tits" in a sentence.
sorry. still laughing. give me a minute.
nope. can't do it. sooooo much potential wasted.

fuck me with a ruler made out of talc. Or shall I say, hydrated magnesium silicate, which, of course, has perfect basal cleavage and is a 1 on the Mohs hardness scale. That sounds so much dirtier than it actually is, i say in a completely understanding way that i am doing no more than stating the obvious and tunneling deeper into my shell of self-loathing.

moment of silence for Leslie Nielsen
..
..
done.
but fuck all you motherfuckers who default to "don't call me Shirley" for your stock Leslie Nielsen quote. fuck you.

Bucket List Addendum: frolic. solve my rubik's cube. tea-bag something. drink a salty chihuahua.
not necessarily in that order.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "november almost done. no snow yet. im happy all over for this fact. december can suck it. yeah im getting pre-pissed at a month for being sucky."

speaking of dropping old hard drives into toilet facilities...Eva Longoria now has a little more incentive to become a nudist. More importantly, by nudist i mean showing lady parts that cannot be fully shown on network television, and/or receiving teabags upon her funbags whilst naked. ex-trophy-wives need loving too, ya know.

Hi, I'm almost out of pain meds... and ur not. well, maybe you are also, but mine are prescription.
I know, lame.

I googled on the google "porn".
Kidding. Kinda. Time for a minirant regardless...
fyi, the google knows when you're looking at porn. if you fuck with the google, they will send all the porn sites you have visited in your lifetime to your significant other, mother and/or father and/or scientist whom created you, grade school teachers, college TAs whom secretly lusted after you and baited you into talking to them by giving you bad grades on homework you did 20 minutes before class in a hangover haze, all of your bosses ever, all of your coworkers that you have ever pictured naked, all of your exes, and your butcher.

I blame woody allen - bad director, woody the doll in toy story - closet retard, and my dick.
for everything.

if you could penetrate britney spears with a 2 liter bottle of Fanta Grape Soda, would you? Would it change your mind if it were Fanta Orange instead? How about if i say you can go narrow end first?

you may be assholish, but I'm more sorrier.
My bad, it was my community college acting up.

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...All Zodiac Signs: Don't say the word 'Sith' today or you will maybe spontaneously combust and/or be teabagged by a midget wearing a Yoda costume.
be warned, you will.

"Mirrors on the ceiling. Pink champagne on ice."
File that under: thoughts that had crossed my mind whenst surrounded by an affable amount of mirrors and disco balls.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I'm more than likely not a cyborg. I'd ask my mom but methinks she'd just cover it up like that time i asked her if santa was real.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if uberreligious chicks are so into jesus that they want to have a baby jesus inside of them... and no, that wasnt a play on words in the hispanic way that i usually delve into. i wonder if any priests have taken advantage of said lusting for jesus. we ARE a sick species, you know. religion doesnt change that.

There's 6,884,866,734 people in the world...
about 50% of that are women. That's 3,442,433,367 people.
about 50% of women have access to hot tubs. That's 1,721,216,683 people.
about 33% of women whom have access to hot tubs actually use hot tubs. That's 568,001,505 people.
so, even if only .0000645% of women whom actually use hot tubs are pregnant, that's 366 people. Think about that. Realistically, a woman a day may be knowingly or unknowingly boiling their baby inside of themselves.
Are you one of them?
...and no, that wasn't a suggestion for an alternative to abortion clinics for my more leftist reader(s).

johnny.random recommends: retrieving photographic evidence of carly simon continuing to have female appendages and orifices.

"bono, if you want
to help poor people, sell your
tinted shades, you cunt"
...Now that's good writing. bohaiku and all.

Challenge: "wiretap" to "culture of fear" on the wiki in 14 steps. I went too far? Nah.
redirects to Telephone tapping
1. Carnivore (FBI) (redirects to Carnivore (software))
2. Microsoft Windows
3. C++
4. 69 standard headers (redirects to C++ Standard Library)
5. Alexander Stepanov
6. Defense industry
7. Military-industrial complex
8. Moral hazard
9. Perverse incentive
10. Texting while driving
11. Text messaging
12. Sexting
13. Moral panic
14. Culture of fear

is it just me or would it be awesome to own the rights to the telephone number 1-800-DRUIDIA? Much more profitable than other toll-free numbers methinks. Also, way catchier of a number than 773-202-LUNA

"or like you know i dont be claimin that its mental"
Notice the quotes...
yeah, i went old school.

Holy severe security breach letting in evil-doers, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "Not only is Afred fired, but we must emphasize that that is why the government shouldn't ban our fellow citizens from owning handguns, Boy Wonder!"
To which Robin asked: "But wouldn't it be easier to call the union boss and have some of his guys take the sign down? I can make a few calls, I know a guy who can take care of it, capisce?"
To which Batman replied: "Your folly of corrupt cronyism is unacceptable. Unions are ruining the integrity and stability of our economy on a microeconomic scale."
Then Super Eminem burst in, smelling of weed, chucknorris-kicked the sign off its bracings (and unfortunately it fell upon a NesQuik delivery truck and thousands of gallons of superbly awesome chocolate milk was spilt upon the highway), thwarted the evildoers with a ferocity that only a superhigh superhero could muster, made a porno video featuring his nutsack and Eva Longoria's funbags, wrote a song then passed out whilst drinking a 40 of top-shelf malt liquor. Robin got wood.
It was a good day in Gotham.

Fuck it, im moving to europe circa the cusp of the industrial revolution. Once there, I shall renounce my european ancestry, and derail the railroad rails being built. I shall replace all new industries with more efficient ones from current times, not including those that warm globes, but including snuggies that warm globes. yeah.

When's the funny part?

2010-10-06T12:00:00.000-05:00

Have I mentioned that boogers have ceased to be funny to me? Well, I guess unless I get to see a large mammal sneeze onto a smaller mammal, that would be funny. Even then, it's not boogers, it's sneeze juice.
Yeah.
Fuck boogers.

Johnny.Random's 4 random thoughts
1. Tina Fey or Anne Hathaway? Discuss...and by discuss, I mean discuss which one wears the theoretical penis if they were to theoretically have a theoretical transgender sexual encounter.
2. since humans have evolved to have much less body hair, why do we still have ball fro's and panooch bush? why cant we evolve to have less hairy sex area parts?
3. i would let rachael ray toss my salad.
4. lets not have sex with power rangers, of any era. Again, noone have sex with a power ranger, current or former or quasidimensional.

I wanted to use the phrase "ill fucking kill his ass" in a sentence.
matt damon and ben stiller were talking about their previous sexual encounter when ben affleck entered and pointed at ben stiller and said 'ill fucking kill his ass' then proceeded to kill his ass.
done.
and take 'kill his ass' however you'd like to picture it. I like it ambiguous even though i was obviously leaning towards buttrayp.

fuck me with a solar panel. a broken one, if you don't mind.

William H. Macy went into Steven Spielberg's office to pitch his idea for feel-good drama about the 1980s porn business.
He began by removing his clothes, of course. Roy Liotta entered and began beating him with a softball bat. Liotta then took his clothes off, of course, and took turns fucking Macy's corpse in tag team fashion with Joe Pesci. Robert De Niro and Al Pacino entered and shot them both twice in the head. De Niro and Pacino took off all their clothes, then invited in a naked Monica Bellucci. De Niro began getting his balls wetted as Pacino held his guns at Spielberg. Spielberg shit his pants on average 2 times every five minutes whilst De Niro had his way with Bellucci's vaghole. De Niro finished in fine Italian fashion all over her mass of pubic hair, afterwards pouring some chianti on her panooch bush to wash it off. Pacino remained erect and cocked and asked Spielberg "We're done here, right?"
Spielberg, again having brownian motions into his underpants, politely asks Al what the movie is called.
"the aristocrats!"
Pacino then pistol whipped Spielberg and they left.
Pacino, of course, had sex with Bellucci later.

moment of silence for the baseball regular season
..
..
done.
good riddance.
oh, and i hope the twins, phillies and yankees collectively get butt aids and die before november, and the reds win it all.

Bucket List Addendum: get famous. accidentally have sex with someone else famous. blame drugs. check into fake rehab thusly becoming more famous and perceptively more responsible. accidentally have sex with someone else whom is less famous. blame her. die whilst fucking her accidentally the second time. blame her.
in that order.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "if spongebob squarepants was fucking your mom, would you be impressed or disgusted? or maybe a little of both, he is a cartoon after all."

speaking of all the reasons why god invented pot...someone should invent a website that has pictures of the worlds best bloodstains. I'd invest in that. Or view it. Ok. nevermind. that's gross. maybe just the videos from movies over the last 4 decades with the best cop car chases.

Hi, I'm the guy that will become superhuman sometime in my next interdimensional lifetime... and ur not.
scratch that. I already am superhuman on my existence in the 6th thru the eleventybillionth dimensions, it's these damn 4 I'm in now that are fucking everything up.

I googled on the google "censorship". instant search was on.
I found a lot of stuff about and . It was so retarded. I
nuclear . dentistry Lady Gaga
.
the moral of the story. fuck. censorship.

I blame 'Mr. Skin's Skincyclopedia: The A-to-z Guide to Finding Your Favorite Actresses Naked'...whomever had sex with the orifice that was James Garfield's fatal bullet wound...and whomever invented Chevy.

The Chicago Bears lost.
The Chicago Bears lost and their quarterback is concussed.
The Chicago Bears lost and their quarterback is concussed because the offensive line sucks.
The Chicago Bears lost and their quarterback is concussed because the offensive line sucks but their defense is ok.
The Chicago Bears lost and their quarterback is concussed because the offensive line sucks but their defense is ok, either way lovie smith and jerry angelo need to retire.
The Chicago Bears are in first place somehow, even though they lost and their quarterback is concussed because the offensive line sucks but their defense is ok, either way lovie smith and jerry angelo need to retire.
The Chicago Bears are in first place somehow, even though they lost and their quarterback is concussed because the offensive line sucks gigantic uncircumcised cocks but their defense is ok, either way lovie smith and jerry angelo need to retire.
The Chicago Bears are in first place somehow, even though they lost and their quarterback is concussed because the offensive line sucks gigantic uncircumcised cocks but their defense is ok, either way lovie smith and jerry angelo need to retire instead of fellating each other.
The Chicago Bears are in first place somehow, even though they lost and their quarterback is concussed and dreaming of hot men as pillows to rest his concussed head upon because the offensive line sucks gigantic uncircumcised cocks but their defense is ok, either way lovie smith and jerry angelo need to retire instead of fellating each other.
The Chicago Bears are in first place somehow, even though they lost and their quarterback is concussed and dreaming of hot men as pillows to rest his concussed head upon because the offensive line sucks gigantic uncircumcised cocks but their defense is ok despite the fact that they have butt AIDS, either way lovie smith and jerry angelo need to retire instead of fellating each other.
The Chicago Bears are in first place somehow, even though they lost and their quaterback is concussed and dreaming of hot men as pillows to rest his concussed head upon because the offensive line sucks gigantic uncircumcised cocks but their defense is ok despite the fact that they have butt AIDS and constantly have their mouths on Julius Peppers's and Brian Urlacher's cocks when not on the field, either way lovie smith and jerry angelo need to retire instead of fellating each other.
The Chicago Bears are in first place somehow, even though they lost like they were the detroilet Lions and their quarterback is concussed and dreaming of hot men as pillows to rest his concussed head upon because the offensive line sucks gigantic uncircumcised cocks but their defense is ok despite the fact that they have butt AIDS and constantly have their mouths on Julius Peppers's and Brian Urlacher's cocks when not on the field, either way lovie smith and jerry angelo need to retire instead of fellating each other.
The Chicago Bears are in first place somehow, even though they lost like they were the detroilet Lions and their quarterback is concussed and dreaming of hot men as pillows to rest his concussed head upon because the offensive line sucks gigantic uncircumcised cocks but their defense is ok despite the fact that they have butt AIDS and constantly have their mouths on Julius Peppers's and Brian Urlacher's cocks when not on the field-which is good because they don't have the mouth AIDS, either way lovie smith and jerry angelo need to retire instead of fellating each other.
The Chicago Bears are in first place somehow, even though they lost like they were the detroilet Lions and their quarterback is concussed and dreaming of hot men as pillows to rest his concussed head upon because the offensive line sucks gigantic uncircumcised cocks but their defense is ok despite the fact that they have butt AIDS and constantly have their mouths on Julius Peppers's and Brian Urlacher's cocks when not on the field-which is good because they don't have the mouth AIDS, either way lovie smith and jerry angelo need to retire instead of fellating each other before suckling upon Mike Martz's manturkey.
The Chicago Bears are in first place somehow, even though they lost like they were the detroilet Lions and their quarterback is concussed and dreaming of hot men as pillows to rest his concussed head upon because the offensive line sucks gigantic uncircumcised cocks but their defense is ok despite the fact that they have butt AIDS and constantly have their mouths on Julius Peppers's and Brian Urlacher's cocks when not on the field-which is good because they don't have the mouth AIDS, either way lovie smith and jerry angelo need to retire instead of fellating each other before suckling upon Mike Martz's manturkey and by manturkey I mean he has a turkey snood instead of a cock.
The Chicago Bears are in first place somehow, even though they lost like they were the detroilet Lions and their quarterback is concussed and dreaming of hot men as pillows to rest his concussed head upon because the offensive line sucks gigantic uncircumcised cocks (think Quentin Tarantino, only the cock is beefier and blackerer) but their defense is ok despite the fact that they have butt AIDS and constantly have their mouths on Julius Peppers's and Brian Urlacher's cocks when not on the field-which is good because they don't have the mouth AIDS, either way lovie smith and jerry angelo need to retire instead of fellating each other before suckling upon Mike Martz's manturkey and by manturkey I mean he has a turkey snood instead of a cock.
BTW, I crossed the line at sentence 7...and kept going.

http://news.discovery.com/space/milky-way-transit-authority.html
sfw for a change. thank one of the other writers for that one. its sexy intellectually.

if you could penetrate britney spears with a shuttlecock , would you? Notice that I said shuttlecock and not cock. A shuttlecock is a weird fucking thing used in badminton also known as a 'birdie'...and it wouldn't be easy to fuck someone with it. So would you? how about a tennis ball? Ping pong ball? Volleyball? I can keep naming sports that use nets until you find an instrument of penetration that suffices, but I have a deadline and I can't think of any other ones, so just pick one.

"Do ducks quack when they're making little ducklings?"
My bad, it was my community college acting up.

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...Taurus: If you happen to speak on a syndicated talk radio station, don't mention that stripper you had sex with yesterday. She was only 13 so the authorities may be looking for you. You probably should go to the clinic to get tested for STDs and get their rates for abortions today too.

Fatter than a republicant in a tub full of poor people
File that under: The visual image I get when the party of the right talks about extending the bu$h era tax cuts to everyone instead of everyone but the rich.

One thing I'm really glad about is that its legal for people to poop on each other. or in toilets, if you're in to that sort of thing.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if I'm still within military draft age, and if they make an exception if I am selected due to my frequent advocacy of human genocide by nuclear weaponry. Or along the same lines, that I have a moral objection to shooting people with guns but instead think that nuclear exploding them to the stone age is a much morally sound way to conduct a modern battle operation. Or maybe for the fact that I take glee in considering the cast members of glee being violated in a masochistic manner with weapons that range from a medieval mace to a switchblade comb. Or the fact that I don't support any of the military excursions that are currently being undertaken and think many dudes in the army are either gay, blind sheeple whom think what they are doing is noble, and/or meatheaded retards who should be jailed for getting away with somehow-legally killing of dozens of innocent people whom merely want to have their own version of freedom/religion/servitude/hatred of america/a reason for america to drop nuclear bombs upon them/blind sheepleness...in their own country

There's 6,873,219,363 people in the world...
about 50% of that are men. That's 3,436,609,681 people.
about 85% of men are straight. That's 2,921,118,229 people.
about 60% of straight men would have sex with a female orifice other than the vagina. That's 1,752,670,937 people.
so, even if only .00005% of those sodomizing straight men would have sex with a bullet hole somewhere on a female's body, that's still 876 people.
Are you one of them?

johnny.random recommends: destroying gavin rossdale (from the alternacrap band - Bush) with a nuclear suppository for ruining Gwen Stefani for the rest of the world. Or keeping her vag from having sex with the world or something. he probably rapes her. there, that's another good reason.

"As an atheist, I'm left up to my own moral devices. As a result, I personally slaughter twelve puppies a day, feed them to twelve other puppies, and then repeatedly stab the second set of puppies and have sex with the stab wounds.
Without God as a compass, what other result is possible?
I really should find a religion soon, because all these puppies are getting expensive. And I think the pet store owner is getting suspicious."
...Now that's good writing

Challenge: "Conscientious Objector" to "Collapse of the World Trade Center" on the wiki in 11 steps
1. Early Christian Church (redirects to Early Christianity)
2. Christian cosmology (redirects to Religious cosmology)
3. ex nihilo
4. First cause argument (redirects to Cosmological argument)
5. causal (redirects to Causality)
6. Counterfactual conditional
7. Oswald (redirects to Lee Harvey Oswald)
8. John F. Kennedy assassination rifle
9. Alcohol and Tobacco Tax Division (redirects to Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives)
10. World Trade Center
11. Collapse of the World Trade Center
See! Conscientious Objectors did 9/11!

is it just me or would a song with a chorus "pulling out is hard to do" be fucking awesome? Kitty should write it, despite the fact that i would be scared to have sex with a girl from that band. they'd like bite my dick off or something if I cant get them off. That's too much pressure for a dude.

"just because ur gay, doesnt make you a fag"
Notice the quotes...

Holy interdimensional criminals stealing A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "See, Boy Wonder, that's why the government shouldn't ban our fellow citizens from owning handguns!"
To which Robin asked: "But it's art! precious invaluable art! We must save it, right?!"
Batman was angered: "Art doesn't deserve a place in culture. It's pointless and doesn't deserve funding because it has NO value."
Super Eminem burst in, smelling of weed, shot the interdimensional art thief in the back with a small thermonuclear warhead, lit the painting on fire, wrote a song and went to sleep whilst Batman and Robin argued along the lines quoted above.
It was a good day in Gotham.

Fuck it, im moving to shark infested waters off of barbados. I will rule the sharks with my interdimensional nuclearicity.
Yeah.

You speak wachutu?

2010-09-21T12:21:00.007-05:00

Have I mentioned that not only is this the 100th 'new' and improved formatted blog? Well, it is. I'm also now 2^5 years old...and half way to singing along with Paul McCartney on a song from Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, and no, not "Lovely Rita".

Johnny.Random's 4 random thoughts
1. Not that I'll eat human meat...but I bet there's people who know which race has the tastiest hindquarters, and the best way to prepare it. actually, nevermind, cannibals don't have souls, so they just consume without regard to taste.
2. Amanda Peet. if she had a strap on, who/what would she fuck? discuss.
3. they should rename new jersey "fuck jersey"
4. why cant there be an illicit drug that makes the dumbass drug addicts have sex less? or a ancient blood sample trapped in tree sap that we can turn into a giant green fucking dinosaur to unleash upon those fortunate enough to be making the world a shittier place.

I wanted to use the phrase "taint is such an awesome word" in a sentence.
ben stiller was massaging matt damon's taint and said to him 'taint is such an awesome word' and slipped 2 fingers inside to release his prostate gland into his other hand.
done.

fuck me with a illegitimate inter-species offspring...
and for the record, I know not if I have any illegitimate inter-species offspring.
Let me know if you mothered my child, oh aliens who probed me that bakers dozen or so times in Arkansas.

David Duchovney entered Steven Spielberg's office to pitch his idea for a sequel to the movie 'the joneses'.
He began by removing his clothes, of course. He retrieved his incredibly accurate blow-up doll of Demi Moore and began backhand smacking the doll's face while fucking the frontal genital area orifice. The doll popped whilst he was doing it, and fluttered off elsewhere. Luckily, he had brought extra blow up dolls. He resumed fucking in the same manner. It also popped. This cycle continued until Steven Spielberg was considering suicide as an option. Hours later, when Duchovney was finally cumming, Spielberg shot him in the back with a tranquilizer dart and called security. The real Demi Moore showed up, naked, and took a shit on Duchovney's limp body and began dragging the body out.
Spielberg, somewhat annoyed, asks Demi what the movie is called.
"the aristocrats!"
Spielberg shot Demi Moore in the tit with another dart and promptly jumped out the window to his death.

moment of silence for the breakfast on a burger that I consumed sunday.
..
..
done.
I think it's all the way dead at this point. May have half a log left.

Bucket List Addendum: give someone pinkeye. somehow. This way would be nice.
That, or drop a deuce in a pair of underpants and leave it somewhere. Superman underpants.
Yeah.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "It's warm today. it's a celebration. How about a needless grant of money from uncle sam? hello? uncle sam? it's my birthday, give me a present, you platypus-fucker!"

speaking of taco meat...Superheros must eat a shitton of food. The caloric need to perform massive physical feats must be huge! I mean, look at michael phelps, that fucker eats a lot of food. Well, its either the swimming or the pot. But seriously, if a superhero is going to defy the laws of physics and science, he might as well stay grounded with a need to consume 80,000 calories in a day.

Hi, I'm celebrating a birthday yet I act 14 years younger, feel 14 years older, and have an extreme dislike of tofu...and ur not.

I googled on the urban dictionary "glee",
you know, for funsies. My favorite definition is of course:
"Glee:

The second gayest thing in the world after anal sex between two males.
A TV show that girls go crazy about. For other things girls go crazy about see Justin Beiber, The Jonas Brothers, and my dick.

Me: FOX canceled 24 and in its place is Glee. What has this world come to!?"
It was on page 2, though. Fucking furries got all the pleasant definitions to make it seem like a good show.

I blame Elisha Cuthbert's lack of contemporary photographs featuring her breasts...michael jackson's albino children...and experience points in that RPG.

Fergie is hot.
Fergie is a hot panooch.
Fergie is a hot panooch whom sings.
Fergie is a hot panooch whom sings in the band Black Eyed Peas.
Fergie is a hot panooch whom sings in the band Black Eyed Peas with 3 other dudes.
Fergie is a hot panooch whom sings in the band Black Eyed Peas with 3 other dudes that she services regularly.
Fergie is a hot panooch whom sings in the band Black Eyed Peas with 3 other dudes that she services regularly, and sometimes all at once.
Fergie is a hot panooch whom sings in the band Black Eyed Peas with 3 other dudes that she services regularly, and sometimes all at once, but always drinks the semen.
Fergie is a hot panooch whom sings in the band Black Eyed Peas with 3 other dudes that she services regularly, and sometimes all at once, but always drinks the semen that she turkey basters out of her orifices.
Fergie is a hot panooch whom has AIDS and sings in the band Black Eyed Peas with 3 other dudes that she services regularly, and sometimes all at once, but always drinks the semen that she turkey basters out of her orifices.
Fergie is a hot panooch whom has butt AIDS and sings in the band Black Eyed Peas with 3 other dudes that she services regularly, and sometimes all at once, but always drinks the semen that she turkey basters out of her orifices.
Fergie is a hot panooch whom has butt AIDS, mouth AIDS and vag AIDS and sings in the band Black Eyed Peas with 3 other dudes that she services regularly, and sometimes all at once, but always drinks the semen that she turkey basters out of her orifices.
Fergie is a hot panooch whom has butt AIDS, mouth AIDS and vag AIDS and sings in the coprophiliac band Black Eyed Peas with 3 other dudes that she services regularly, and sometimes all at once, but always drinks the semen that she turkey basters out of her orifices.
Fergie is a hot hermaphrodite panooch whom has butt AIDS, mouth AIDS and vag AIDS and sings in the coprophiliac band Black Eyed Peas with 3 other dudes that she services regularly, and sometimes all at once, but always drinks the semen that she turkey basters out of her orifices.
Fergie is a hot hermaphrodite panooch whom has butt AIDS, mouth AIDS and vag AIDS (a special strain of AIDS that is immune to latex) and sings in the coprophiliac band Black Eyed Peas with 3 other dudes that she services regularly, and sometimes all at once, but always drinks the semen that she turkey basters out of her orifices.
BTW, I crossed the line at sentence 8...and kept going.

http://sarahjessicaparkerlookslikeahorse.com/
is sfw. and true. all we need now is one for jennifer garner

if you could penetrate britney spears with a fruit roll-up , would you? I'm thinking it would depend of the flavor. Only certain plasticine-fruit-sugar combinations can combine well with her overpowering musky vag. Plus it would have to be a big ass fruit roll-up. Like a posterboard sized sheet rolled up. Otherwise, her panooch would envelop the snack completely and make a fruit rollup baby. Notice that I didn't say her vag would eat it. I second the comment that britney spears doesn't have a toothy vag.

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...Gemini, Cancer & Leo: Have sex with a Virgo today. That is all.

"if you ever became a powerful person, that'd be scary"
File that under: Things said about Johnny.Random that may or may not be used against him in a way similar to how some people are using dialogue condoning witchcraft against a certain winner of a senate primary election.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I have two balls. I'd much rather have 2 me-sized balls than 1 giant ball that fills my satchel. 10 balls would be ridiculous. They'd get tangled all the time. That would hurt like hell. Yay for evolution making us have 2 balls.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know how hard it would be to scream if I was on fire and my voicebox was melted. methinks i would be dead if the flames reached that point of heat and immersity...nor do I want to seriously hypothesize such a situation.

{passage removed due to plagairism violation and lack of proper citation, plus the author(s) totally suck platypus cocks}

johnny.random recommends: getting a microscope and measuring how much sperm you have per millilitre. for the female reader(s), help a man do that.

"what is your name?
what is your quest?
what is your favourite color?
what is the capital of assyria?
what is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"
...Now that's good writing

Challenge: "Platypus" to "Totally Awesome" on the wiki in 8 steps
1. Electroreception
2. Electrocommunication (redirects to Animal communication)
3. Zoomusicology
4. Music
5. Music video
6. VH1
7. List of programs broadcast by VH1
8. Totally Awesome

is it just me or would it be awesome to see a dog eat another animal? It would be all circle of life-y and such. Way better than watching a lion, cuz you could always go and pet the dog, let him smell your hand and he wouldn't eat you. Or something.

"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. "
Notice the quotes...
clever philosophy to live by. too bad a philosopher didn't say it.

Holy Platypussies playing with their perioding pussies, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "It's platypi, Boy Wonder, and they're not playing with their menstruating femininity, they're writhing in pain because they're intruding on the industrial complex's ability to explore for refinable oil reserves in that area"
Robin retorted: "But every animal is sacred! Save the platypussies!"
Batman grew angry: "The term is 'Every SPERM is sacred...every sperm is great. if a sperm is wasted, god gets quite irate."
Robin cupped Batman's balls and cooed: "Lets go waste some sperm, lover."
Batman cold cocked Robin in the eyebrow and went to drink some tea.

Fuck it, im moving to where age is measured on fruit rollups...meaning age doesnt matter. to anyone. oh, and unlimited free beef products for life would be nice to have there too. and pie. and pizza pie. oh, and land. land would help.

The blog remains the same

2010-09-17T11:34:00.023-05:00

Have I mentioned that I'm gonna vote? I am. I'm voting 'no' on dying. Next election cycle I'll revisit the referendum and will probably vote 'no' again. I'm so set in my ways, thusly am a member of the sheeple society.

Johnny.Random's 4 random thoughts
1. feminine hygiene products would be a good thing to go back in time with to surprise stone-aged folks...and penicillin for teh syphillises.
2. fuck polar bears. if they were worth not extincting, they'd evolve to go where there isn't oil underneath them.
3. i wanna hear of 'Hurricane FUCK' next year. get on that.
4. ...advice to tea partiers, if you can't vote the establishment out, rape them out. Yeah, I said it, rape your congressperson until they quit. I would REALLY like to see you try that.

I wanted to use the phrase "killing me softly with her thong" in a lyric.
I heard she had a good thong
I heard she liked my style
And so I came to see her
I could see vertical smile
And there she was this shaved toy
Tiny panties filled my eyes

Kneading my balls with her fingers
Licking my head with her mouth
Killing me softly with her thong
Killing me softly with her thong
Telling me not to cum with her words
Killing me softly with her thong
done.

fuck me with a birthday card. well, not til tuesday. alls i know is im another full year closer to dying.
yes, the theme of this blog is 'morbidity.'

So Emma Stone and nicole kidman entered Steven Spielberg's office to pitch their idea for a movie about ginger kids.
They began by removing their clothes, of course. And began fiercely making out. Tori Amos entered, buck naked holding a acoustic guitar, and starting singing a seriously demented song about toothy vaginas. Needless to say, by the end of that song, tongues were in and around pussies. Molly Ringwald entered, clothed and crying, just as Emma Stone was gushing female ejaculation upon nicole kidman's face. Molly was crying that "the secret life of the american teenager" was supposed to make her relevant again but was really just a shitty show that helps parents avoid telling their kids about sex because they explain it all and the only audience is preteen and teenage girls. Tori Amos took off her guitar and beat Molly Ringwald to death with it. So Tori Amos was now nude, bearing the reddish and thickest bush that Spielberg had ever seen (Emma Stone and nicole kidman were shaved like the hollywood royalty that they are). The three naked gingers stood there, covered in Molly Ringwald blood and Emma Stone female ejaculate. Tori Amos broke the silence by pissing on Molly Ringwald's lifeless corpse, then farting some kind of soy concoction into the air. Tori Amos then invites Emma and nicole to sniff that work of art. They come closer. She eats them with her toothy vagina. It burps.
Spielberg, still obviously aroused, asks Tori Amos what the movie is called.
she replies, "the aristocrats!"
Spielberg said "We'll make it happen if you shave off all those ginger pubes and let me pleasure myself into them, um, right now"
Tori Amos barfs Emma Stone & nicole kidman chunks out of her vag onto his desk and leaves.

moment of silence for the hockey offseason.
..
..
done.
Lets just hope coozehound patrick kane doesn't get involved with Coach Q's underaged daughters. He's already banged all the cougars in chicagoland, we just need to import some classy rich tail from Florida for him, I guess.

Bucket List Addendum: coax to female politicians to have sex on camera to raise money for the federal government. that or attempt that, fail, end up in jail, and strangle myself in my cell so I don't hafta be buttraped.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "Correction: When I said stupid people should be neutered, I meant to say I want stupid people to be SPAYED and neutered."
glad I cleared that up.
and for the record, spay/neuter is much more humane than killing.

speaking of proposition 8...I've been having a recurring dream about a mustachioed french cook hacking up people i know with chainsaws. I dunno if I should be seriously disturbed by this. The weird thing is, he talks french, but I don't speak french. Maybe I should stop doing ether to help me sleep.

Hi, I'm the owner of a brain that functions at 10% above normalcy...and ur not.
That most certainly does not explain how this blog came to fruition.
Or why Diana Lane called me yesterday asking for Paul Reubens email address.
Or why my pants turned green yesterday.

If you googled on the google drew barrymore's tits, you will find that she has small nipples but large areolas.
I'm not sayin, I'm just sayin.
Then google on the googleImages "nikki sims shower". If you're in to that sort of thing.

I blame that urge i had to defecate...kal penn...and wishbone light balsamic vinagrette dressing.

http://ftvgirls.com/
is almost completely nsfw, but my blog has been way too gay recently so i need to make up for it.
bonus cuz I didn't do one last blog
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5jCgs2dp5M

if you could penetrate britney spears with a DVD box set collector's edition of Kevin Smith's catalog, would you? How about Quentin Tarantino's? Woody Allen? Mel Brooks? Ok. That's settled. how about just a stack of dvd discs? Not very phallic, i know, but would be damn interesting.

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...Leo: Don't brush your teeth before bed tonight. it'll keep a rogue tarantula away.

"See, it's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess, it's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs."
File that under: Yes, he went there.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I've never actually heard someone else have sex...like in another room doin' it or in the backseat of my car whilst I'm driving. Real life is way better than porn too, btw.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is why my cell phone keeps turning onto high volume when I put it on charge. I suppose I can go find out why, but I have an attack of the I'm lazy and I'm a procrastinator and I like to complain about things but am generally content enough to not do a damn thing to change anything.

There's about 122,000,000 people born in the world annually. About 49,000,000 people die every year.
In order to actually decrease the world population, that means 73,000,001 more people need to die than the current rates.
That means either...
a natural disaster in a 3rd world country every day for a year.
279 world war 2-era nuclear bombs.
244 cold war-era nuclear bombs.
The United States has 5,113 documented warheads (we HAD over 25,000 weapons disbanded/dismantled when they could have been used)
now i'm not saying, I'm just saying, but current nuclear weapons are over 450 times more powerful than the world war 2 era ones...and theres enough nuclear weaponry in existence now to kill everything on the planet.
...and we're ok with working the diplomacy angle with Iran. orly?

johnny.random recommends: tell a gay pederast priest joke to a priest. laff uncontrollably at how uncomfortable he gets.

"One of the many major problems with governing people is that of whom you get to do it; or rather of who manages to get people to let them do it to them: It is a well known fact, that those people who most want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it. Anyone who is capable of getting themselves into a position of power should on no account be allowed to do the job. Another problem with governing people is people."
...Now that's good writing

Challenge: "Seven deadly sins" to "Immortality" on the wiki in 13 steps
1. Superstition
2. Irrational (redirects to Irrationality)
3. Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy
4. Procrastination
5. Apathy
6. Depressed (redirects to Major depressive disorder)
7. Self-neglect
8. Dementia
9. HIV (redirects to AIDS dementia complex)
10. Fecal incontinence
11. Kegel exercise
12. Taoist sexual practices
13. Immortality

is it just me or would it be awesome and awestriking to be among the 14 or so thousand people who dont die when Apophis collides with the earth? Wait. Im ugly tho. and retarded. noone will procreate with me!

"You wanna know what I like? I like looking at vaginas."
Notice the quotes...
Yeah, I know that line is rather johnny.randomish but no, I'm not a screenwriter. yet.

I regret to inform you that the Batman and Robin segment has been cancelled. The New Adventures of Batman and Robin will be in its regularly scheduled timespace slot.
...
Holy Butchdyke abstinence preaching retard, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "But Boy Wonder, youre the liberal cocksucker, why would you care if one of MY people won a primary election?"
Robin acknowledged: "Dunno. Maybe id be ok with it if she was less, i dunno, butchy"
Batman was amused: "Robin, consider this. If the goddess of all that is right and good, sarah palin, were being fucked by christine odonnell, youd be ok with her, right"
Robin immediately got wood. "Right! So kinda like if blackpresident was fucked by Jesse Jackson!"
Batman gave Robin a proper compatriotical hug and just shrugged off the lads penchant for powerful black men with enormous manhoods.
{end scene}

Fuck it, im moving to an altruistic nation where I can live in peace and serentiy for all eternity, if such a place exists.
heaven, you say?
dude, if this blog is any indication of my afterlife destination, if one of such things exist, theres not a fucking chance ill end up there.
theres got to be a place i can go to die though.
morbidity, remember?

Sayonara Senorita

2010-09-15T09:15:00.000-05:00

Have I mentioned that I'm in favor of mutual nuclear destruction? Well I am...kinda...moreso the USA nuking everybody in a hypocritical manner. you know, less worldwide resources consumed by evildoers and more for us! Plus, we get a crazy ass nuclear winter to counteract the global warming. Too bad everyone would die. Necessary evil I guess. Then tunnel into the earth and build "Zion" like in the Matrix movie.
I'm dumb, remember?
But at least I can tie in it all with a vaguely related cartoon.

Johnny.Random's 4 random thoughts
1. My balls have the potential to be very dry. Not figuratively speaking.
2. There's a relatively large amount of criminal activity in the State of Illinois.
3. it would be cool to eyefuck dane cook with a raw piece of skirt steak. or just take away his hair gel...which contains a fairly large amount of human semen.
4. ive probably been over the legal intoxication limit over 100 times in my life. much more than 100. it's been over 4000 days since my 21st birthday. About 3% of all the days in the last 11 years sounds about right.

I wanted to use the phrase "denise milani's Boobs" in a sentence.
actually, I think I'd rather just look at them.
well, I'll attempt a sentence anyways.
Will Ferrell was staring at denise milani's Boobs in an artistic manner when Kevin Bacon materialised in between denise milani's Boobs, ejaculating instantly, leaving Will Ferrell in awe but still fairly erect, so a dog bit his penis.
done.

fuck me with a rolled up Watchmen comic book.
The one where The Comedian assrapes that evildoer in the face.

So ines sainz entered Steven Spielberg's office to pitch her idea for an Lifetime miniseries about her recent exploits in various football endeavors.
She began by removing her clothes, of course, and in walk Mike Ditka and boomer esiason wearing full pads from the waist up, and a fairly obvious jockstrap/fishnet stocking getup which even most gay men would describe as fucking hideous. Ditka and esiason begin arguing about which hole they get to pummel. Both of course, want her panooch, because there's poo in her butthole. Mike Singletary enters the room pantsless, of course, holding a sawed-off shotgun, which is markedly smaller than his flaccid wang. Samurai Mike slings ines over his shoulder, shoots boomer and sacks both tony romo and mark sanchez, whom were mutually masturbating each other in the corner. Ditka says to Spielberg: "You better not be filming this, you fucking hack."
Spielburg shrugs but still asks him what the movie is called.
Da Coach replies, "the aristocrats! Now shut the fuck up and get me a cigar, a hummer and a steak."
Spielberg said "I like your style, Coach. Lets make this happen. How does $2.5 sound, plus 50% of the opening gross?"
Ditka takes one of Singletary's weapons (pun intended) and shoots Spielburg in the face. Singletary spanks ines's ass and they leave, happily ever after.

moment of silence for my idea to get life insurance then fake my own death.
..
..
done.
that came out wrong. I would never do that. honestly, mr. underwriter to country financial services.

Bucket List Addendum: create a single menu item for wendy's that is over 5,000 calories of beef, pork, cheese and other empty tasteless calories. laff. continue laffing as america overeats and makes me rich. buy a weight loss chain. laff some more.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "I may have comedic timing, but I can never be Chelsea Handler. Mostly cuz she has a huge vagina."

speaking of clothing made out of meat...I don't want to talk about politicians anymore. Doesn't mean i wont talk about them, I'll just hate myself for doing it. Kinda like how the first-term senators have that self loathing when their political righteousness is not yet a faded memory but their pockets have already been greased by hundreds of greedy lobbyists pushing their agendas to fuck the middle & lower class that voted him into office...and even if there were transparency in government and its puppeteer arm of the lobbyists, said senator couldn't hope to return to his youthful political righteousness because his constituents are either too dumb, too polarized having voted him into office simply because he shared the same party affiliation, and/or wouldn't even care enough to look at his voting record or lobby contributions for reasons all rational people cannot comprehend.
something like that.

Hi, I'm the pinnacle of self-aware hypocritism and neoquasisemiintellectualism...and ur not.
and yes, I make up words. double i's in words are cool, regardless.
Too bad I can't remember if I asked god for a bigger dick back when I was in catholic school whilst having puberty.

I googled on the googleVidoes "beyonce single ladies"
Now before you whip out the gay rant and take away my man card, I did, in fact watch it without the sound on. in full screen. on a screen that may or may not be equivalent to 1920x1200 resolution.
side question...is it ok to call Mariah Carey a mulatto yet?

I blame my right hand...that empty lotion bottle...and a lack of wireless internet.
dude. don't get the wrong idea. I actually moisturized my hands. you pervert(s).

if you could penetrate britney spears with a used 16" softball, would you? Scratch that. If you could do her with my dick, which for the sake of argument, I woke up this morning with a bad hangover, and my penis was missing again, which happens all the time, it's detachable. Of course, if you happen to fuck britney spears with my dick, please wear a kryptonite condom. please. I don't want aids.

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...Capricorn: If you happen to find the genie lamp that god/fate left in your path, it's not going to contain a genie, but phenethylamine alkaloids. Choose Wisely.

"Cleavage-If you're going to display that much tit flesh, don't act like you're offended when you catch me looking"
File that under: A terribly misogynistic comment about sweater puppies that Johnny.Random pretends to shun but actually agrees with.
i mean.
shit.
nevermind.

One thing I'm really glad about is that all-electric automobiles are cheap finally. owait. nevermind. Automakers are ignoring the fact that electric engines and cooling systems use less parts, and cost less to make...and blaming the fact that BATTERIES are expensive? How can they not realize that there wont be a demand for their supply until they make it affordable? Kinda like people without insurance can't afford prescription medicine despite the fact that the ingredients are inexpensive. Development costs is synonymous with profit, I guess. New dictionary i suppose.
...and yes, I'm aware I'm retarded for comparing the pharmaceutical industry to the American auto industry, which should have been taken behind the shed and put out of its misery a decade ago, F-150 and all.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if the actual world's best cocksucker has teeth...and is relatively attractive. I suppose a better question is there a world series of sucking dick? who would sanction that anyways?

There's 6,868,896,437 people in the world...
about 50% of that are women. That's 3,434,448,218 people.
about 0.03% of women are REAL dumb. That's 1,030,334 people.
about 80% of the stupidest women on the planet live in the United States. That's 824,267 people.
about 96% of those stupid women in the United States are republicants. That's 791,296 people.
There's your answer. If they insist on creationism being in schools, I insist on using fuzzy math to say 791,296 of glennbeck's tea bag-loving retards will never get their hands on a drop of my fresh semen.

johnny.random recommends: not throttling yourself in the scrotum until you herniate your testicles, nor should you allow anyone else to perform that maneuver upon your scrotum. for the female reader(s), I recommend mouth sex upon your panooch.

"I didn't have the nerve to test it out. So, I thought a trip to Arby's might give me some courage, but no dice. Then, I hit Popeye's, Del Taco. 14,000 calories later, I found myself down at Subway... powering through a 12 inch veggie on whole wheat babbling to a cut-out of Jared. Still didn't give me the strength to turn that thing on. I'm a coward."
...Now that's good writing.
One of the few gems from the movie that may be the worst major release of 2009.

Challenge: "Barack Obama citizenship consipiracy theories" to "Antisemitism" on the wiki in 12 steps
1. Ken Buck
2. Czar (political term)
3. Imperial Russia
4. Grigory Rasputin
5. Self-flagellation
6. Husayn ibn Ali
7. Iraq
8. Arab socialism
9. Pan-Arabism
10. Zionism
11. The Protocols of the Elders of Zion
12. Antisemitism

is it just me or is there an appalling lack of adultfemaleteacher-on-underagemalestudent rayp this school year so far? I mean, sure, it's morally wrong and stuff, I just think we should expect more of it out of our puritanical hypocrite nation, ya know?

"I don't care about America, all I care about is sex and booze and pills. Damn this country and everyone in it."
Notice the quotes...
I almost said it, but that would have been plagiarism.

Today's Batman & Robin segment is unairable.
They are on an excursion at Martian Manhunter's lair where various illicit activities involving Batman dressed up as a teletubbie, The Boy Wonder in full furrie gear (a bird of course), a toilet seat, a riding crop, an accommodator, a sams club sized bottle of water-based lubrication, assorted Fleet-branded OTC products, a set of fake vampire teeth, an anal intruder starter kit, a ball gag, benwahballs, a 16" softball, a detachable penis, a little schoolgirl outfit, $8,045 worth of peyote, a video camera, a cameraman, a Chelsea Handler blow-up vagina, and, of course, many, many, many other men.
Tune in next time, same bad blog, same bad channel.

Fuck it, im moving to south park, colorado. fictional or not, it's gotta be less fucked up than 'normal' suburbia and its passion for mass debt-induced consumerism and that twilight/true blood hysteria that completely pales the def leppard hysteria of the late 80s. time for a different hyster- word for suburbia...try hysterectomy.
Yeah.
...and watch Dexter, it's way less gayer than true blood. way more homicidal and way more julia stiles-ier

I'll see you on the dark side of the moon

2010-09-02T16:21:00.022-05:00

Have I mentioned that I'm increasingly worried about my own mindgutterisms? Not worried enough to do anything about it, of course, mostly cuz I'm a Hornivore who gives 6-(2-fluorophenyl)- 2-methyl- 9-nitro- 2,5-diazabicyclo [5.4.0] undeca- 5,8,10,12- tetraen- 3-one to himself on a nightly basis.

Johnny.Random's 4 random thoughts
1. fyi, vegetables are what food eats.
2. im like an idiot savant minus one of those two words.
3. if you were shown a picture of some lopsided boobs, and another of a thick ass with butt pimples, could you tell the difference?
4. if someone calls you a motherfucker in anger, and you happened to have fucked his mom at some point, do you smile on the inside?

I wanted to use the phrase "wood of the morning" in a sentence.
so matt damon was massaging ben affleck's wood of the morning when he decided to suck ben by the fireplace, so he went to the woodpile and grabbed from the pile labeled wood of the morning: two pieces of wood of the morning and a few fags, started a fire, then finished off his lover in peaceful bliss.
done.

fuck me with a cock-roach.
spelling error is intentional. unless that's how it shalst be spelt.

So Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi entered Steven Spielberg's office to pitch their idea for an lesbian musical docudrama.
They start acting out a hairspray-ish dialogue and start fiercely making out. They're down to their skivvies and Spielberg's massaging himself when Johnny Depp entered. Both gals, already wet, decided to suckle upon his Kentucky-made Bourbon.
Johnny Depp, a closet bi himself, welcomed the chance to bang 2 relatively attractive women. Being bi, however, he insisted that his cack first be inserted into Portia's luscious asshole. Ellen whimpered "But there's poo in there, Johnny". He commenced banging her anyways, somehow whilst teabagging Ellen's modestly small tits. In true deux ex machina fashion, Colin Farrell enters naked and shoots them all through the face, killing them instantly, with shotgun force bursts of semen...and bursts into song while putting his clothes back on.
Spielburg cuts him off and asks him what the movie is called.
He replies in a singsongy manner, "the aristocrats!"
Spielberg said "not my style. try Steven Soderbergh."

moment of silence for Robert DeNiro's sense of humor
..
..
done.
Seriously tho. Little Fockers? We need to tie up ben stiller and flog him with tomatoe products for that one. whether he wrote it or not.

Bucket List Addendum: evolve to have wings. fly around the earth. fly out of the atmosphere die from asphyxiation.
In that order.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "summer, how i love thee. let me count the ways. wait...summer, where ya going?"

speaking of blasphemous blasphemy...im all for science trumping religion, and for scientology just going away and dying. We seriously need to come up with something really out there to piss off the "religion is sacred" crowd. I'm talking WAY beyond abortion and cloning and evolution and the death penalty. I can't think of anything good enough tho. I'll just leave it to Stephen Hawking I guess.

Hi, I'm the guy whom almost got struck by lightning in his car yesterday night...and ur not.
seriously. it was loud and red and electric-y.

I googled on the googleImages "zombie tits".
I was curious if they were all corpse-y and deteriorated. They were mostly perky.
In other words, bring on the chick zombies!

I blame that hooker I killed but came back to life to haunt me...Mitchell Musso...and exercise

http://www.viennabeef.com/assets/items/large/NK17.jpg
yeah. i finally refound it. is sfw.

if you could penetrate britney spears with a samurai sword, would you? You may be hesitant, but her panooch is not only extremely elastic and gaping, but invulnerable to sword injuries. I suggest you give it a stab. Pun intended.

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...Taurus: Your xenophobia will get the best of you...that...and if you join the scripture project on Project Reason, you will be raped in the eye socket by a cross-wielding nutjob.

"the midwest farmers daughters really make me feel alright"
File that under: things jack kerouac might have said whilst on Benzedrine, thusly inspiring Brian Wilson to steal such a line two decades later.
It's a thin file.

One thing I'm really glad about is that i've never gotta sprayed in the testicles from the laser beam emitting from a schwartz ring.
That would suck. Seriously.
and "I bet she gives great helmet". completely unrelated quote.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is why mouth sex is considered sodomy by those shunning of sodomites. Mouth sex, surely is sex in an orifice, and one not used for procreation, but comeon. buttsex and vaggysex are WAY different than mouth sex. much easier to get her to use hands on it for an assist with mouth sex. not sodomy. sex-lite, maybe.

There's 6,697,254,041 people in the world...
about 60% of that are of fucking age. That's 4,018,352,424 people
about 50% of those at fucking age are women. That's 2,009,176,212 people.
about 85% of those women at fucking age are straight. That's 1,707,799,780 people.
about 16% of those straight women at fucking age are willing to sell themselves for money, sexually. That's 273,247,964 people.
about 85% of those straight women at fucking age whom would sell themselves for money, sexually ,would fuck Jimmy Buffet for money. That's 232,260,770 people.
Conclusion, Jimmy Buffet has better share some of that margaritaville money, or at least some of the millions of sluts that would fuck him for money.

johnny.random recommends: cheese.
just so long as it's not from wisconsin and doesn't smell like my dad's feet.

"So you mount a violent protest against a cartoon that suggests Islam is inherently violent? Does anybody else see the irony of the situation?"
...Now that's good writing
...and good social commentary

Challenge: "Trousers" to "Snake" on the wiki in 9 steps
1. Underwear
2. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
3. Deseret Book
4. Orange, California
5. Transcontinental railroad
6. Rocky Mountains
7. David Thompson (explorer)
8. Snake River
9. Snake
See what I did there?

is it just me or would it be awesome to be a space-ologist and look through a kick ass telescope and see planet sized boobs orbiting a giant star-sized pussy?
and yes spaceologist was an intentional typo. im self editing. and i suck.

"Making love for two...minutes"
Notice the quotes...
and a binary solo.

Holy your dry colon is chafing my trouser snake, Batman!
To which batman replied, pantsless, "To the buttcave, Boy Wonder, there is surely more lubrication there!"
But Robin didn't stop, and soon the bleeding anus of Batman and rubbed raw and bleeding penis of Robin were intermingling juices, ensuring that one gave the other buttaids and buttherpes. Not saying whom gave what to whom, let's just say it was a shitty mess. And gross, to say the least. Sodomy usually is.
Credit to other author(s) for the "buttcave" bit.

Fuck it, im moving to betelgeuse 5. I hear that there's 3-boobed chicks there. That's right up my alley. That, and whiskey is cheap.
Yeah.
...and yes i know this was an uber sexual blog. dont forgive me cuz im not apologizing.

If you seek johnny.

2010-08-27T11:18:00.022-05:00

Have I mentioned that this is the 200th johnny.random-written blog? it is. ohweeohweeoh.

Johnny.Random's 4 random thoughts
1. even though i never have nor ever will take acid...i would like to watch someone on acid.
2. sarah silverman has probably got a huge dick or a abnormally large clitoris. let me know which it is.
3. why is vag the only part of the body that gets super moist when aroused? id like to have an entirely lubricated body when i'm horny.
4. alexis dziena. yum.

I wanted to use the phrase "call me a cab and send me to tehran" in a sentence.
I changed my mind.

fuck me with a gorilla dick.
kidding. kinda.
its 1.5 inches. hard.
but seriously, human species got big cocks (proportionately speaking) cuz our ancestors were whorish.
that doesn't explain lucy pinder's tiny nipples tho.

So matt damon and jack black entered Steven Spielberg's office to pitch their idea for an biopic of John Travolta. jack black bends matt damon over Spielberg's desk, burns the cheeks of his pants and underpants off with an acetylene torch and starts spanking him with a headrest from a 1972 ford pinto. when its nice and pink, he stops, takes a jansport backpack full of cocaine and dumps it on damon's ass. he offers a rolled up $1 bill to Spielberg, who refuses, then proceeds to snort about half of the cocaine. then matt damon farts. jack black shouts "OH MY GOD! THAT SMELLS JUST LIKE MY DADS DICK!" and runs out of the room crying. 53 blonde women, wearing nothing but cowboy hats and pasties jump between the tiles of the drop ceiling and mercilessly beat matt damon to death, surprisingly, without breaking a nail. I'd like to say they orgy but they don't as John Travolta enters to pitch a different movie so security escorts the ladies out.
Spielberg asks one of them as they're leaving what the name of the movie is.
she replies: "the aristocrats!"
Spielberg said "well, leave out the ass spanking, we got a deal!"
oh, and Travolta later had sex with 52 of the 53 women. one of the women had her vagina removed when she was 19. He had mouth sex with her, and that only kinda counts.

moment of silence for my hatred of the banking industry
..
..
done.
I may still regrow said hatred, but I certainly hate banks less. Mainly because the government is making them help me. so i suppose i hate government less too. Now if I can just convince my senator that a bank executive raped me then I can have my whole mortgage wiped out.

Bucket List Addendum: turn the city of oakbrook into a gigantic phallus. Fuck woodfield with it. make sure the mcdonalds corporate office jism gets on the bath and body works hair and tits.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "if someone had sex with a collective 600 pounds of women at once, i wouldn't be impressed unless the number of women were greater than 4."

speaking of metallica...there has got to be a real cool capital crime. you know, the thing you hear on the news and say to yourself, shit, i would totally do that if I didn't have a conscience. Like treason. Only, big-ass treason would make it cooler. Like declaring myself dicktater for life and permabanning TV and close teh internet tubes.

Hi, I'm the guy who hit a grand slam (not the denny's variety) yesterday...and ur not.

I googled on the googleImages "topless ninjas".
Much less cool than i expected. maybe a search for "topless kunoichi" would be better
it's not much better. theres a few topless wonder woman pics that sneaked in there, which is ok by me.
I was hoping for something different tho, obviously.

I blame that tomb raider action figure that I found at the reduced bin at toys-r-us with jizz on it...the female plumber that had plumber crack...and paprika.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGlTzt24Izw
i may have linked this already. if i did, so what. its still funny as shit. plus, gonzo has a nose like a porno dick.

if you could penetrate britney spears with a telephone booth, would you? you know, one of these. it'll fit, right? she may just hafta squat on it. it would be hard to thrust a telephone booth into her, despite how loose she is.

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...Libra: don't have sex with jimmy kimmel. That is all.

"i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to tebow"
File that under: Comments that Johnny.Random would write if he were awesomer...except for the implications of rampant sex with multiple sex partners whilst on ambien. Fuck tebow, he doesn't deserve a single panooch, let alone hundreds.
Yeah.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I've never ingested cyanide nor herion...but I have eaten many cakes and pies, none of which included cyanide, heroin nor strychnine in their ingredients. I think.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if a future trend will be women laser removing panoochal hair then getting tattoos that look like panoochal hair in that general area. Probably not. Wishful thinking, I guess.

Speaking of panooches...I wonder if there's another word that means pussy that really shouldn't. Like sandwich. It would be fucked to say something like "I'm gonna fuck the shit out of her sandwich". That's just creepy. And probably a misdemeanor.

johnny.random recommends: if you're an anorexic crack whore, stay away from me, eat some meat, stop doing crack, and get tested for teh aids.

"and all i taught her was everything...
twisted thoughts that spin round my head
im spinning
im spinning
now my bitter hands cradle broken glass"
...Now that's good writing
too bad he's a blue team fan.

Challenge: "Mike Quade" to "Stunt cock" on the wiki in 9 steps
1. Prospect High School (Illinois)
2. No Child Left Behind Act
3. Pythagorean theorem
4. James A. Garfield
5. James A. Garfield assassination
6. Insanity defense
7. Irresistible impulse
8. Penis
9. Stunt cock

is it just me or should men's adult multivitamins be shaped like tits? More dude would eat multivitamins if every morning they could put a little tit in their mouth. See, I'm a marketing genius.

"Different societies have depicted Jesus and most other biblical figures as their own ethnicity in their art; for example he is primarily white in the West. The current dominant opinion among historians and scientists is that he was most likely a Galilean Jew and thus would have features which resemble modern-day persons of Middle Eastern or Semitic descent. Some have suggested other possible racial backgrounds."
Notice the quotes...valid observation tho. 'cept that Jesus was black. These days, Jesus is Latino.
Yeah, i went there.

Holy heterosexual boners, Batman!
To which Batman replied with a raised eyebrow: "Heterosexual, boy wonder?"
Robin replied. "Teehee, just kidding" and resumed sucking Batman's dick.

Fuck it, im moving to Louisiana. Land is still cheap down there, right?
What? Still too soon?

I offered my disco stick to Lady Gaga. Haven't heard back yet.

2010-08-09T15:06:00.023-05:00

Have I mentioned that this is a new extended extended format blog? And I computer virused the editor, so fuck him. With bacon.

Johnny.Random's 4 random thoughts
1. if you eat a shit ton of meat, does that necessarily mean ur gonna drop a huge deuce? I should research that.
2. Robin Williams.
3. could someone physically be able to fist themselves up to the elbow?
4. red lentils or brown lentils. discuss.

I wanted to use the phrase "scrotum like a bowling ball bag" in a sentence.
matt damon and ben affleck were discussing the merits of the remakes of the movies "The Haunting" and "The Omen" when Prince entered dressed as a purple satyr, beat them within an inch of their lives with a bassinet and teabagged them with his scrotum like a bowling ball bag until George Carlin's ghost told him to stop.
done.

fuck me with a gasoline canister, pouring gasoline in my pooter, then set me ablazen.
figuratively speaking.

darth blackpresident, junior bu$h and mcClinton entered Steven Spielberg's office to pitch their idea for an presidential action movie. junior bu$h was suddenly overcome with his desire to have the first black cock in his mouth since his coke and binge drinking days. So nobama let it happen, enjoying it thoroughly. Clinton was feeling left out so he decided to go streaking, taking off his clothes and jumping out the window. bu$h was giving a truly epic blow job, putting a few fingers into the president's dirty brown butthole and cupping his balls with a handful of icyhot. nobama, of course, through his jedi training, was lasting an equally epic amount of time, and was fed up with how long it was taking george to finish him off...so started thrusting as only a darth blackpresident could. soon, bu$h was vomiting all over baracks meaty cack, and choking uncontrollably on the 18 inch penis and his own vomit. somehow, nobama's cock turned into a lightsaber as he came, blowing a vomit semen blood hole through the back of his throat. clinton reentered as bu$h'$ body fell limp onto the floor. He was wearing a yogi bear costume and was dragging algore in drag back into the room. nobama yelled "YOU BLASHPHEMOUS HEATHEN" towards algore and fist punched his asshole. algore would have been sent into the stratosphere if his fist hadn't have gotten stuck in algore's nearly nonexistent asshole. clinton took off the yogi head to reveal he was wearing clown makeup. this scared the shit out of Spielberg, literally. he shit his pants. the smell made algore shit out baracks hand in a flurry of vegetables, resembling a beef stew, ironically. This angered blackpresident, so he said "GO-GO gadget lightsaber" and his cock again hardened, and quickly decapitated algore. clinton tried to appease barack by fellating his lightsaber but it kept burning his lips. barack hoslapped clinton then shot him in the head with an AK. michelle, who had been hiding in the shadows fucking the family dog, saw her opportunity to join the show, and menstruated all over the floor. darth then signalled biden to drop the pinatas from the ceiling for his finale. biden fell. the pinatas didnt. barack just used the force to drop the pinatas. of course, they were karl marx and adolf hitler. he pulled a remote control out of his pocket with a single red button. he said quietly, "this is for all you teabaggers" and pressed the buttons. nukes inside of the pinatas exploded, sending gold bullion skyward across the country.
Spielberg was impressed. he asked what the name of the movie is.
barack replied: "the aristocrats!"
spielberg said "not my style. try Oliver Stone."

moment of silence for mel gibson's dignity.
..
..
done.
I suppose he was running low on dignity the last few years since his last little public outburst thing. but hey, at least he's not Kevin Costner.

Bucket List Addendum: buy a map. write a random number generator. have it give me a x,y coordinate to go to on said map. go to said location. take a dump at said location. return home.
in that order.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "i hope lady gaga reads my blog cuz I'd really like to play a lovegame with her. and by play a lovegame i mean watch her masturbate."

speaking of Steve Carrell...Chevy is gay. I decided. It prefers to have sex with other same-sex domestic automobiles. Don't believe me, i refer you to Rule 34 of the internets. Chevy Chase, though...not gay. Chevy Chase Country Club...also Gay.

Hi, I'm the king of all randomness and the beacon of light for all random comedy writers... and ur not.

I googled on the googleImages "justine bateman" with safesearch off.
she hasn't aged well...and only one pic that kinda showed nipples.
I was hoping for something different, obviously.

I blame steroids...the ancient greek civilisation in the game civilization II...and pfizer.

http://www.themilesdavisexploration.com/
another funny blog on the blogger. hawks fan. funny.

if you could penetrate britney spears with a gnarled tree branch, would you? Yeah, I'm talking caveman style. Which begs the question...surely rape has been around for a long fucking time, so did cavemen rape other cavemen and cavewomen with gnarled tree branches and/or other creative things, or was it just straight up cock-in-orifice rape?

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...Pisces: That llama you bought has aids. don't fuck it...or you'll get aids. even if you wear a condom. llamas are notorious for their ability to break condoms.

"Chelios to work with red wings"
File that under: more proof that the greeks in the chicagoland area should not be trusted.

One thing I'm really glad about is that i haven't peed on my balls in a while. or ever. shit. i dunno. do dudes with micropenises and/or male children even have the opportunity to pee on their balls? I dont think I have, even whilst drunk. unless by balls you mean something else other than "balls inside the scrotum".

hehe.
nice mental picture, aye?
it would be tough to tell if a tennis ball hath been peed on.
or a basketball, cuz that pee would just roll right off.
unless ur a dog.
yeah.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is what would happen if you microwaved a tv dinner for an hour and a half instead of a minute and a half. methinks ill try that someday.

I wonder what I would need to do in order to become a deity. It would be more funner to be a deity than a computer programmer. I suppose if some of the reader(s) start to worship me, that would be a good start.
one simple thing that i leave out tho, my reader(s) aren't sheeple. darn.
points++;

johnny.random recommends: boycotting things. except this blog. don't boycott me. boycott BP. boycott target. boycott walmart. boycott china and their awesome mudslides. boycott north korea for testing blackpresidents trigger finger. boycott the religious right by not going to church.
yeah.

"There is FULL FRONTAL nudity of a female zombie in the opening scene of the film"
...Now that's good writing
which movie, I wont tell. you must watch all the zombie movies ever made to find it.

Challenge: Lady Gaga to AIDS on the wiki in 7 steps
1. Italian American
2. Italian American internment
3. Nazi Germany
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Syphilis
6. Sexually transmitted disease
7. AIDS
Damn, I hope they're not related.

is it just me or is it real fucking hot this year? I know there's like a record setting heat wave in russia right now, but fuck russia. yeah i said it. fuck russia. fuck white russians. fuck whitey. fuck race. fuck racism. fuck nascar races. fuck the american south. fuck america...but mostly fuck russia.
or something.

"You don't hit me with a knife, that's called stabbing me!"
Notice the quotes...
...and yeah, watch movies that are based on Chuck Palahniuk's novels.

aw fuck...Batman. Someone's outed us. Kinda.

Fuck it, im moving to the fictional historical universe where spain remains the dominant global world superpower. and speak spanish to spicy latinas. in spain. and live as king cuz I'm awesome and I'm from an alternate reality. and oppress english speakers cuz they suck cocks.
yeah.

the obligatory july post

2010-07-30T15:55:00.002-05:00

Fuck me with a spoonful of snickerdoodle ice cream. melted. Yeah, shit. I forgot to do a blog this month again.

I recommend smashing car windows of automobiles that weigh over a ton...and get less than 14 mpg...and are driven by spoiled cunty soccer moms or businessmen with enlarged prostates and tiny penises.

I also recommend jumping off of small buildings. like sheds and garages. into pools.

I havent face palmed in a while. I have hit a raccoon with my car. Im proud of one of those things I just mentioned.

Hi, I'm Johnny "You look drunk, come over here and talk to me"...and you're not.

I would seriously like to see a jam-off of tom petty versus elvis costello. Then the winner gets to slap the loser across the face with their acoustic guitar collection. Read, all of their acoustic guitars.

Here's a thought, which fruit would be the easiest to throw? For distance I mean. I'm thinking apple or lemon. I'd like to toss a watermelon tho. That would be fun. and funny.

I wonder what the normal ratio of feces to water is for regular BMs. I also wonder what the ratio is to cross the viscosity threshold from solid to runny to jesusdamn-I'm-peeing-out-my-butt.

if you could penetrate britney spears with a footlong subway sandwich, would you? I mean, if it were wrapped or otherwise. Meatball sub would be nice, then she could just pop those chef boyardee meaty nuggets out her cooter after you were done. subway bread would probably disintegrate tho, so it wouldnt be very good, sexually/orgasmmy-speaking for her. especially if you order the sub with giardiniera.

bucket list addendum:
buy a rustic home in coastal spain. remodel it. hang myself in the latrine. finish cumming.
In that order.
Think about it.
No. don't think about me actually doing THAT. I mean THAT-THAT.
geez. you fucking perv(s).

moment of silence for the trust in american politicians.
.
.
done.
if you don't get it, crawl out of yer hole, get on the internet, get scared, and go right back into yer hole and make sure you dont vote cuz yer a fucking retard.
And yes, the hypocrisy of the above sentence was on purpose...Irony can suck my dicks.

In case you didn't know. If you see a big marine with tauntingly large muscles and a U.S.M.C. tattoo, please zeus, don't ask said marine what U.S.M.C. stands for, lest ye be assaulted with the phrase "U SUCK MY COCK" by a pea-brained islamicwoman-raper who thinks killing people is a noble way to protect our freedom and oppressing people in third world countries is a proper way to protect our own citizens.
Seriously though, I'm so conflicted. The Arizona immigration thing. The neverending wars. The political polarization. The lack of leadership, cooperation, representation, hell...anything that would resemble a remotely productive and functioning political system. Allow me to revisit my bucket list addendum from a fortpassage or so ago...referring to rustic spain...and say...
Fuck it, I'm moving to Europe.
Someday, mayhaps. Cuz fuck America and the direction it's going.

Man dude, I'm really picking up some steam. Time to slow down...and say something mildly offensive and moderately retarded.
grandiose is a real cool word.
so is giardiniera.
so is the idea of me fucking someones mom. probably not your mom tho. she's ugly. maybe I'd fuck her anyways just to piss you off.
...and the word flabbergasting is flabbergasting.

...and it really helps to not smoke cigarettes when noone around you is smoking.
...that, and not buying cigarettes. That helps a lot. an uncountable amount.

if I ever did a good job at something, I would like that job to be making someone so happy they died. I suppose I can rephrase that. That makes it seem like me being around someone makes them want to die so badly that they are happy when they do, in fact, die. I'd much rather someone become so happy with my presence near them that they die of overhappifieing. Lets not get carried away tho, im not going to be nice to them, ill just make them happy or something. fuck 'killing with kindness'. id rather just generate happy somehow. and make people die cuz of it. That would be a good job to have.
yeah.

Shameless plug:
Buy the new reel big fish cd. it's on sale now. it's good. it's good music to commit auditory rape to.
And by auditory rape, I don't necessarily mean the ear torture scene from the movie 'senseless', nor am i suggesting someone shall have a penis and/or strap-on penis doohickey inserted into their external auditory canal orifice.
I'm merely saying that you can make people listen to reel big fish. And they probably wont consider it ear rape.
Yeah.

the obligatory june post

2010-06-28T15:57:00.003-05:00

I'm not gonna bother with format on this one. Just 16 passages of random to get a post in for june. Enjoy, reader(s).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnFfMTnz_NU
yeah, i kinda hinted at this movie with my decade of movies posts. is mostly sfw.

moment of silence for the trade of dustin byfuglien.
.
ok. and since you all know me as a hawks fan. go hawks. and since hockey season is over...go sox!

i hereby decree that heretoforth johnny.random shall be known as a different moniker, one that inspires everlasting awe and fortitude...johnny.god seems good.
yeah.
worship me and die a malcontented life.

"The Incredibly Strange Creature: Or Why I Stopped Living and Became a Mixed-up Zombie"
notice the quotes...

with all the evil shit that darth blackpresident is supposedly doing, i'd be up for him nuking somewheres in the united states. you know, to shut his critics the fuck up. that, and then cunnilingify one of the daughters bush. while his wife watches. and his pet dog violates saddam hussein's corpse. then gives rihanna nose aids. and quotes descartes whilst shitting on the constitution. then chops off ron jeremy's disproportionately large penis and force feeds it to kevin costner whom is hog tied over a burning effigy of martin luther (not of the king variety) strapped to a pentagram. condi rice then strips naked and chants "sweet home alabana" translated into latin whilst being spanked with a 8x8 tamper until blackpresident demands her to eat her own legs. for the finale, he raises steve irwin from the dead, has a crocodile beat off onto his mostly lifeless zombieness, takes a shit into the crocs mouth, puts a shoe bomb in the crocs ass, lets the croc eat all of the aformentioned caricatures then explodes them all.
then yells out "the aristocrats!" when finished.

well, i didnt celebrate the summer solstice. nor the most recent full moon.
im a bad non-religious person.

if you could penetrate brittany spears with a live boa constrictor, would you?

is it possible to blow up balloons with flatulence? If so, send me the youtube link.

okok. dont hate me, but I'm thinking I'd like to sledgehammer an animal. Not a human nor a midget. an animal. I'm trying to decide which. Squirrel would be hard to restraint but pretty relieving to shut up that "big mouse on crack" animal. Cow would be neat. That would be a lot of skull and brain matter and blood. Elephant might take more than one sledgehammer swing to break the skull. Then a few more to kill it. It would be physically demanding. Now, dont get me wrong, I'm not gonna serial kill some animals. just one. with a sledgehammer.

"she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could."
file that under: things that would make me laugh if it wasn't me and/or things that would drive me to commit a aggravated homicide.

btw, if you look up "huge cock" in wikipedia, it redirects to "human penis size". i read it and felt shame.

bucket list addendum:
find a extrasolar super-earth. say the phrase "fistful of caulk". nuke it. laff. not necessarily in that order.

what if there was an afterlife...and the only person there is an ugly virgin angel. and by ugly, i mean, even if you didnt have sex for all eternity, you wouldnt consider having sex with her. oh. chicks dont get an ugly dude, they get a perfect dildo. They hafta go through childbirth, ya know.

ok. now...is it possible to slow light down to less than the speed of light. I wanna try. get me some particles of light. ill fart on them and see if they slow down.

speaking of planets, if somehow there was a planet somewhere thats supersupersmall, orbiting a supersmall star...and i found it, if would totally find a way to fuck it.
that is all. goodbye.

There's more to life than just cum

2010-05-19T11:34:00.002-05:00

One thing I'm really glad about is that I didn't burn off my fingertips when I stupidly touched a hot carburetor. And by carburetor, I mean carburetor, not something sexual. Really. And by burn my fingers, I mean burn my fingers. I clarify because I too often imply sexual things in this blog [Ed. Orly? You lie.] Ass.

Have I mentioned that today is the beginning of a new limited edition random rotating format regular sized blog? [Ed. No.] It is. Enjoy reader(s).

Johnny random's random (w)horoscope: Sagittarius- Go to blockbuster. Rent Pearl Harbor. Go home. Switch the disk with your copy of Robin Hood-Men In Tights. If you do not own a copy or are unwilling to part with your copy of Robin Hood-Men In Tights, go to the $5 bin at WalMart and purchase one. Destroy the Pearl Harbor disc by setting it ablazen. If you do this, johnny.random will pray for you. If a god exists, he/she (in a non-hermaphroditic way) will likely do nothing. But at least there's one less copy of Pearl Harbor in the world and you will achieve inner peace. Refuse to do this, and you will likely die sometime in your life.

There are 6,697,254,041 people in the world.
about 50% are men. that's 3,348,627,020 people.
about 0.0075% of men also have penii over 9.5 inches, that's 25,114,702 people.
about 0.00001% of men whom have penii over 9.5 inches also own and/or wear purple banana hammocks, that's 251 people.
of those 251 men whom have penii over 9.5 inches and wear/own purple banana hammocks, at least 1 of them will probably also prefer to masturbate into pastries.
Yeah.

"Sit on your face, I wanna sit on your face"
File that under: Things you may hear people high on ecstasy say to one another when clothed but have Irritable Bowel Syndrome

If Johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "Ooh ee ooh ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang, and fuck detroit."

"All I see turns to brown, as the sun burns the ground
And my eyes fill with sand, as I scan this wasted land
Trying to find, trying to find where I've been. "
...now that's good writing. The music is too.

Holy, Superman is having a threesome with Wonder Woman and Madonna again, Batman!
Batman pushed Robin out of the way so he could watch through the telescope.
Robin was knocked unconscious by a falling bat-buttplug.
Batman ejaculated whilst watching.
{end scene}
[Ed. Um. Logic fail. How/Why the hell is there a telescope in the batcave?]
Who said it was in the batcave?
[Ed. O. My bad.]
...and it was a periscope, I lied.
[Ed. Liar! Again!]
hehe.

Bucket List Addendum: Buy a coffee plantation and/or land around a volcano.
No other comment. Just ponder that.

Bucket List Addendum: Dye my pubes blonde. Take a picture. Shave it. Give myself a dutch rudder, somehow. Not necessarily in that order.
No other comment. Just ponder that.

Just a random Batman and Robin thought. If Batman and Robin were gay. They'd probably only have buttsex like once a week. Maybe more often for teh oral. I don't think Batman would let Robin fuck his ass, anyway you shake it though.

I do know a lot, but one thing that I don't know is why people want to immigrate to America. Like, now. Are things really that fucked up elsewhere? I'm so retarded to the rest of the world. Just thinking that the rest of the world is more fucked up than here is pretty depressing tho. shit.

Fuck me with a shard of glass. From a pair of glasses.

Fuck it, I'm moving to a fictional sample city of Anytown, Nebraska.
So long as there aint a lot of closeted gays there. That would be odd.

"Como se dice Cleveland Steamer?"
Notice the quotes.

Johnny Random's 4 random thoughts
1. badges. fuck badges.
2. I'm gonna start randomly speaking words and phrases in Spanish. makes my randomness more random.
3. smile more, it creeps out twentysomething milfs.
4. punching balloons is fun. puncturing them is funner.

Round of applause for vanity

2010-04-27T19:23:00.016-05:00

Have I mentioned that the Chicago Blackhawks are awesome? They are.
Oh.
And I took a leave of absence from teh blog. No reason. I'm back now. Stop worrying. Or not. Um. Yeah. [Ed. Welcome back, asshole.] Fuck you, editor.

Johnny.Random's 4 random thoughts
1. A bacon, lettuce bacon sandwich would hit the spot right now.
2. If my IQ was increased by 95% yesterday night, I would have woken up today much smarterer.
3. I'd much rather be eaten by a crocodile than a human.
4. If TV is evil, then books are godly.

I wanted to use the phrase "habitual salad tossers" in a sentence.
jack black and ben stiller were taking turns tossing Will Ferrell's salad but ben affleck's cuckolded eunuch matt damon accused them of being habitual salad tossers so they went to wrigley chewing gum field and had a sword fight over the pee trough instead, much to the glee of ronnie woowoo, ryan dumpster and the overwhelming majority of blue team fans because they too, are recovering habitual salad tossers whom now much rather prefer crossing the streams and gazing upon random penii over places that which are used to perform urine.
done.
run-on sentence be dammed!
[Ed. Well done. two habitual salad tossers references in one sentence!]

fuck me with a bottle of corn huskers lotion. Then take my fingerprints.

Bucket List Addendum: Grow wings. Fly south for the winter. Return in time for mating season.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "khaki pants can suck my dick. Why the hell did I ever think I would fit into 34" pants in this decade?"

speaking of tipping cats ears...People who don't speak engrish well are funny. We should stop looking at them as immigrant cork soakers and instead as sources of amusement.

I googled on the google "odd handgun injuries". Nothing cool enough to say. I suggest changing the search to "odd nail gun injuries" or "gun brain matter".
I was hoping for something different, obviously.

I blame the Romans for coming up with a fucked up calendar, your mom, and whatever happened at 3:03 PM yesterday.

No link today. I'll edit it later to put my buddy's house on here so someone can buy it. He takes cash, btw.

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope: Virgo- You have no (w)horoscope. You are nothing. You are less than nothing. But don't kill yourself. Tomorrow will be ok. Maybe.

Axl is a rad baby name. So is Axel.
File that under: Things you mayst have overheard within the decade now known as "the 80s"

One thing I'm really glad about is that I have the correct amount of appendages. If I had more or less of them, I would surely be more or less of a human, and that's not fair. [Ed. You're fucked up, you know?]

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is how fucked up I am, relatively speaking. You know what? Fuck normal. Fuck white picket fences. Fuck the color white. Fuck socks which are white. Fuck the boston red sox. Fuck the new york yankees. Fuck new york. Fuck new iPads. Fuck apple. Fuck red apples. Fuck colors. Fuck crayons. Fuck elmers glue. Fuck care bears.
Yeah. Fuck Care Bears.
[Ed. The steps that got you from crayons to care bears makes no sense, you know that, right?] Yep.

"Hey you, out there on your own, sitting naked by the phone, would you touch me"
Now that's good writing

Challenge: "Greek wrestling" to "Gay" on the wiki in 7 steps
1. Genitals
2. Perineum
3. Erogenous zone
4. Human sexuality
5. Homosexuality
6. Terminology of homosexuality
7. Gay

is it just me or does it seem more awesomer that I didn't have any references to politics in today's blog? [Ed. Totally, you suck socialist cock and you should be waterboarded for your anti-Americanness.] anti-Americanness? [Ed. Yeah. Your rhetoric is mind-boggingly retarded and wethinks you should move to Scandanavia.] Ass. Geez.

"Bück dich befehl ich dir"
Notice the quotes.

Holy online videos of you giving a horse buttsecks, Batman!
Batman was curious.
Robin took off his belt and lowered his pants, revealing a massive boner for Batman to see.
Batman turned and face palmed with disapprovingness, not having a word to say.
Robin took his jerk-off hand and started {censored sexual act}.
...Dude! Right when I was getting to the good part. [Ed. No. Just. No.]
Fine. Have a pic of it to go with the mental pic, asshole.

[Ed. That's wrong on SO many levels.]
Hehe. Many thanks to our random cartoonist. But fuck the editor for censoring my shit.

Fuck it, im moving to Kane County. At least they have a minor league baseball team. DuPage county aint got shit. At least the Hawks practice in dupage. I think. Fuck Cook County though.

day in the life of joe middle-class republican

2010-03-29T03:29:00.001-05:00

Socialism.
Discuss.
The point of the matter is, and I quote Jason Rzeczkowski: " And funny how no one complains about the socialist Police and fire Departments, medicare, Social Security, highways, libraries, etc.. the only reason there's problems with these is 'cause most of the time, people won't pay extra taxes to keep them at optimum levels."
The right cries socialism, but the bottom line is, we already have many programs set up in this welfare/capitalist country that reek of socialist tendencies. However, a reason (not THE reason) why we lag behind other developed countries in many areas, including health care, education, etc, is because we refuse to pay more taxes. Our education is underfunded. Why? With every increase in property taxes or personal payroll taxes, we cry foul. Other countries have socialized secondary education and trade schools. We have a system of grants & loans where the poorer and middle classes can MAYBE get a grant to go to college if they're poor enough OR go into upwards of $30,000 in debt. Meanwhile, the government is in mountains of debt to other countries because the government can't support all of the programs that we demand to make our standard of living higher-across all classes. Even then, consumer debt is still growing exponentially, so even all the government is doing to subsidize everything from our health care to our automakers, to our unemployed and retired, is for naught when the interest rates, fees and terms that credit card companies charge make even minimum payments unaffordable...because we (speaking stereotypically) are not even content with living according to our means. We cry foul when gasoline goes up 20 cents without taking into account that our gas prices are among the lowest in the WORLD. We cry foul when our taxes will go up to make sure millions of Americans can receive the health care they deserve without considering that overall, our health care system as a whole is among the worst in the civilised world. Of course if I had money, I would not want the government to take more of it. I understand that. That makes my pretty hypocritical, and I'm ok with that. There's a difference between the selfishness of the individual to the cry from the bottom 1/3 of our country. The selfish have the microphone. Any increase in taxes would make people have a lower standard of living at the top, heck, even cap & trade has similar implications. I don't disagree with that. But, it's unamerican to say to the blue-collar worker without a job or insurance, 'FUCK YOU, it's your own fault that you're fucked, and I'll be damned if you're gonna get your hands on the money that I worked so hard for.' Anchor babies, illegals getting welfare, and permanent unemployed who are able to work, need to be taken out of the equation. Hell, regulate those, I don't give a fuck. I may be a lefty pinko, but I know there's gotta be a line. That line shouldn't exclude legit Americans, the Americans that you don't think are on unemployment, the ones you don't think need state assistance to buy food, the ones you don't think need health insurance because in your bubble everyone has the Cadillac of blue cross/blue shield. You may not care that people are less fortunate, and it may in fact boil your blood hearing the ungodly and uncited amounts that are thrown around. I have a heart and I know people personally who would have been nearly completely fucked if it weren't for programs set up to make sure the citizens of this great nation do not live in 3rd-world levels of poverty. I like knowing that if I land on the 'unfortunate times' square in the real game of life, that I wont die a miserable death in an alley off Belmont Avenue...and if that makes me a fucking socialist, good.
ok. i'm done.

I did not write the passage below. It is credited to John Gray from Cincinnati, Ohio. Enjoy anyways.

Joe gets up at 6:00am to prepare his morning coffee. He fills his pot full of good clean drinking water because some liberal fought for minimum water quality standards. He takes his daily medication with his first swallow of coffee. His medications are safe to take because some liberal fought to insure their safety and work as advertised.

All but $10.00 of his medications are paid for by his employers medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance, now Joe gets it too. He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs this day. Joe’s bacon is safe to eat because some liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry.

Joe takes his morning shower reaching for his shampoo; His bottle is properly labeled with every ingredient and the amount of its contents because some liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained. Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some tree hugging liberal fought for laws to stop industries from polluting our air. He walks to the subway station for his government subsidized ride to work; it saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees. You see, some liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.

Joe begins his work day; he has a good job with excellent pay, medicals benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe’s employer pays these standards because Joe’s employer doesn’t want his employees to call the union. If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed he’ll get a worker compensation or unemployment check because some liberal didn’t think he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune.

Its noon time, Joe needs to make a Bank Deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe’s deposit is federally insured by the FDIC because some liberal wanted to protect Joe’s money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the depression.

Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae underwritten Mortgage and his below market federal student loan because some stupid liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his life-time.

Joe is home from work, he plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive to dads; his car is among the safest in the world because some liberal fought for car safety standards. He arrives at his boyhood home. He was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers Home Administration because bankers didn’t want to make rural loans. The house didn’t have electric until some big government liberal stuck his nose where it didn’t belong and demanded rural electrification. (Those rural Republican’s would still be sitting in the dark)

He is happy to see his dad who is now retired. His dad lives on Social Security and his union pension because some liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn’t have to. After his visit with dad he gets back in his car for the ride home.
He turns on a radio talk show, the host’s keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. (He doesn’t tell Joe that his beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day) Joe agrees, “We don’t need those big government liberals ruining our lives; after all, I’m a self made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have”.

How do you afford your bad motor uzi

2010-03-26T15:26:00.018-05:00

Have I mentioned that I want the Tea-Partyists to succeed?
Owait.
Did I say succeed?
I meant secede.

Johnny.Random's 4 random thoughts
1. not condoning fake tits, but if skinny actresses had bigger tits, their movies would be awesomer.
2. my wii is average sized.
3. "heteroanalsexual farms" is a good name for a suburban new home development.
4. oh, so hipster douchebags use the line "dont tase me, bro". do latinos say "dont tase me, vato"?

I wanted to use the phrase "scentually molesting" in a sentence.
I was walking down the street, farted, then later got sued for scentually molesting some douchebag tea party lawyer who thinks its ok to frivolously sue the pants off anything and everything but not pay more in taxes so people less fortunate can be a little less less fortunate, and whom wants nothing more than to finally have enough money to get into michelle malkin's pants party.
done.

fuck me with a toilet plunger.
the rubber end.
the wood end is too common-width phallic-rod shaped. you know, like rolling pin, broom stick, et al.
the rubber end, yeah.

Bucket List Addendum: fly a remote control plane with fake-yet-reallooking-explosives over somewhere important. film the subsequent pants-shittings. you know, for the lulz.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "bright sun and green grass makes johnny happy. now if I can see 2 robins fuck, I'll have the trifecta"

speaking of avian fuckery...it's almost april and I'm still not in shape. My drive to exercise is waning.
Meth makes ya lose weight, right?

I googled on the google "motherfucker". one word. please note that I'm not looking for MILFs, that's later and not related to blog research. okok. where was I? [Ed. motherfucker.] Right. Even with safe search off, the first page of results on imagesgoogle only had 3 pics of dicks going into pussies. There was even an "English, motherfucker, do you speak it" pic. I have happies. Hell, I was even surprised that the wiki has an article that is much too literal.

I blame it on my inability to achieve an erection when shown pictures of female brains without clothes on...my cd-rw drive finally dying...and armistice day, whenever that it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLJ8ILIE780
is sfw. and if you dont like it, go suck more cocks.

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...Scorpio: The cops have been survailing you for 4 months now. Selling the van and burning those pictures today would be a real good idea if you value the current state of your butthole's elasticity.

fuck them with a dead dick!
File that under: things the coach would say before the zombie competitive orgy championship.

One thing I'm really glad about is that i haven't sprayed anyone with my diarrhea in at least 25 years. On purpose OR on accident.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if you can fuck someone's eye hole, while they're still alive...without killing them. Well, I suppose if you had an inch and half length and the girth of a ipod headphone cord that wouldn't be an issue. [Ed. so, in other words, the writer(s) at johnny.random could. zing!] Ass.

"Wanting more. Having your cake or eating your cake are fine. Not even wanting cake is where you get fucked. "
...Now that's good writing
right. always want cake. and pie. and the theory that cake represents awesomeness. always want awesomeness.

Challenge: "Tea Party movement" to "secession" on the wiki in 1 step!
See, it's easy! Do it, fuckers!
...and to note, "Tea Party Movement" to "teabagging" is also one step away. and by teabagging, I mean oral–scrotal contact as a sex act
It's so fucked up that I was actually siding with them until they went all batshit insane crazy and I found out how intellectually close minded the majority of their followers are.
...oh and they love Sarah Palin...politically speaking, not breastily speaking.
so, fuck the tea party movement. fuck hard bowel movements. fuck watery bowel movements. fuck salt water. fuck sea salt. fuck the Aegean Sea. fuck Crete. fuck minotaurs. fuck people who fuck livestock. fuck the stock market. fuck banks. fuck taxes. fuck people who think we're paying too much taxes, fuck the tea party movement.

is it just me or would it be awesome to pee off of a skyscraper. You see that feeling in ur prostate as you look over the edge at the ground 100 stories below you, it's not fear, it's your body saying, 'cool! let's pee on those people!'

"I stabbed my wife in the pussy."
Notice the quotes...
if i had the time, i would totally look and see how many current incarcerated criminals worldwide have committed that crime.
Owait.
maybe the quotespeaker just meant he "stabbed" her pussy-with his cock.
Ok, so I'm the retard.

Holy idonthavebuttaidssoletsfuckimsohornyletmesuckyourdickandfingeryourbuttholeandjerkoffwithyoutopicturesofsuperman, Batman!
Batman went and hid in the batcave until robin calmed down.
[Ed. gay robin on crack?]
Yep.

Fuck it, im moving to manhatten and los angeles.
i will infiltrate their tea parties.
i will make them secede.
then I'll move the fuck back to chicagoland cuz I don't wanna live amongst the retards. retard is contagious.

Working on his 9th little bottle of kahlua

2010-03-19T15:19:00.007-05:00

Have I mentioned that I know all the words to "we're gonna be friends" by the white stripes? [Ed. I'm still not impressed and I'm pretty sure the reader(s) aren't as well.] as well? try ASS WELL amirite? [Ed. Dude, stop trying to be cool. It's lame and embarrasing.] Ass.

Johnny.Random's 4 random thoughts
1. has a kfc worker ever been fucked in the backroom with a chicken leg (not a euphemism)? If yes, then did they serve said chicken leg to a customer?
2. how hard is it to manipulate dna? i wanna switch one thing randomly in my own dna and see if i die.
3. having a penis is awesome. [Ed. Too bad you're hung like an infant, amirite? Zing!] Ass. At least I HAVE a dick, you virtual nonsense creator.
4. I'd like to commit animalcide and just eliminate a species. Singlehandedly. Pick a random one. And if it lands on Homo Sapiens I'll change my mind and erase this blog and deny that I've ever said such a rediculotarded thing. [Ed. ...except I have backup storage. Can you say blackmail payments? DOUBLE STAMP, NO ERASIES.] Triple stamp. erasie, erasie! [Ed. You can't triple stamp a double stamp! Rule breaking fag!] I hate you.

I wanted to use the phrase "the matt damon experience" in a sentence.
jack black and ben stiller were sucking each other's cocks in the 69 position and when they finished, they were discussing how they were both among the shittiest actors in the history of cinematic adventures, but then the viagra kicked in so they decided to give each other the matt damon experience.
done.
runon sentence be damned!
[Ed. You don't really say what the matt damon experience is.]
It's gay, thats all you need to know.
[Ed. Oh, ok. {shakes his head in a mind boggled manner}]

fuck me with a head of lettuce. with blue cheese dressing.
[Ed. You used that one already.]
I know. So? It makes me laugh so FUCK YOU.
[Ed. Um. When did you grow balls?]
Shut up. Ass.

Bucket List Addendum: find out how much helium up the butthole it would take to send glenn beck and billo the clown into the stratosphere. Just to prove I'm not some left wing homer, send that fatass filmmaker and nancy taintedpussy-osi up there too. Oh, and use them during the trial runs. Yeah. I'd like to see them faceplant into churches and abortion clinics when I don't give em enough balloons in the ass.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "AGAIN with the fucking snow in the forecast. Call Obama to get us a nice chicago-sized socialist poncho to throw over the whole city"
[Ed. I guess its more creative than the previous revision that had you calling to 'shoot every snowflake in the babyraping face'.] Notice the quotes? I wrote that.
[Ed. You're wearing my patience very thin.]
hehe

speaking of dietary supplements containing lycopene...methinks its time to make some new mix cds. Iz gots about 50 songs in mah song queue, up to and including such gems as "Everyone has AIDS", "Suffragette City", "Instant Karma" and "Suck my left one". I'm conflicted, obviously. [Ed. Conflicted? Try ghey.] Ass.

I googled on the videosgoogle "tossing salad" with safe search on "protect teh kids, they can't see titties or buttholes EVAR" setting. Kidding videosgoogle doesnt have safe search. Regardless, its only a bunch of stoopid video clips and some dookie from 'teh view' (of old crusty cunts talking about their dusty vaginas). No porn. Teh kids are safe.

I blame alcohol.
for everything.
...and no im not an alcoholic. yet.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scotland/north_east/8570398.stm
yes, apparently it IS possible to be that drunk and still be conscious.

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...Virgo: Dryhumping furniture does not count as sex. You're still a virgin...and today will continue that trend.

"one step closer to the edge and im about to break"
File that under: obvious fakeness in lyricism because if the douchenozzle who wrote that still hasnt offed himself, he was lying to sell cds, and thusly probably should selfpwn

One thing I'm really glad about is that i have ab muscles. somewhere. seriously, they're in there. i think.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is how many animal species go a2m. monkeys and humans, yeah. but like, do lions eat out other lionses asses? you know, to clean, not necessarily sexual. that would be funny to hear the mewroar when a lion is getting assilingus.

people who eat ass should keep listerine by their bed or other preferred place of tossing salad. you know, to kill the poo bugs.
...Now that's good writing
[Ed. Um, you wrote that.]
I know. It's good, right?
[Ed. I hate you. {shakes head, signs out and goes home}]
hehe

Challenge: "Pink Sock" to "james wizniewski" on the wiki in 10 steps
1. Internal intussusception
2. Defecography
3. Barium
4. Rubber
5. Charles Goodyear
6. New York
7. Metropolitan areas of the United States
8. Mighty Ducks of Anaheim players
9. List of Anaheim Ducks players
10. james wizniewski
He deserves one, btw.

is it just me, or would it be awesome if teh cocks had their own heart/lungs/blood supply/breathing apparatus/tissue structure so that a person could stay hard all day?

No, someone dead told me to die
Notice the quotes...
owait. I wrote that one too.
ego++;

Holy I got nominated for cocksucker of teh year, Batman!...did you nominate me?!
Batman ignored him and continued to read johnny.random's blog.
Robin glowed with pride and went looking for Martian Manhunter and his beefy green cock-like appendage.
...and Robin laughed on the inside thinking of the 'present' that he was planning on leaving on the drivers seat of the Batmobile.

Fuck it, im moving to the temple of apollo in delphi.
Methinks this neopaganism thing is gonna really pick up.
It'll be cool to be one of them wise peoples who get to tell people what the gods are thinking.
plus, theres the whole virginal sacrifice thing that they did in the movie 300 or something.

This blog is non-kosher

2010-03-12T15:12:00.015-06:00

Have I mentioned that im finally employing my "mornings suck, just like your mom" coffee mug? Its quite liberating to carry that thing down the hallway in all its glory.

Johnny.Random's 4 random thoughts
1. We suck. 'we'- meaning- me and my imaginary friends.
2. people who eat ass should keep listerine by their bed or other preferred place of tossing salad. you know, to kill the poo bugs.
3. lady gaga totally seems to me like the kinda girl who'd be a dominatrix and/or the lesbian who wears the strap on to work.
4. the world would be a better place if there were less rednecks and instead most people had a 'drunk redneck' friend, you know, like how teh whites in teh suburbs have 'a black friend'...only a redneck. who drinks. a lot.

I wanted to use the phrase "up your asshole with a jar of peanut butter" in a sentence.
carson daly and ryan seacrest were jogging in the park when they saw a homeless kelly ripa eating peanut butter and rice [Ed. (sic) maggots] out of a garbage can and ryan slipped and fell errantly upon something plastic to which carson exclaimed 'omg omg omg someone call nine eleven, my boyfriend has an emergency case of up your asshole with a jar of peanut butter! help! {lispy} please!'
done.

fuck me with a librarian costume.
Not in a kinky way. fold it up into a phallic object of cloth and fuck me.
shit.
why did i explain that? that sounds exceptionally gay. [Ed. We get the hint, writer(s).]

Bucket List Addendum: find an object larger than a newborn baby. insert said object into a vagina. remove said object from vagina. repeat with larger object until vagina is destroyed. then find a bigger vagina in which to insert large objects.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "bright outside. miss the rain already. get all the rain out before softball starts plz kthxbai"

speaking of random escorts from craigslist...chicago should be the capital of something. like a country or a new state. maybe then ill like it more. like make a new state out of chicago & its suburbs. call it 'el sucko' or something. daley cant be governor tho. or president. he can be the dude i fire paintballs at whilst hanging from a cage suspended from the ceiling if im in charge tho.

I googled on the google "Zombie book". There's quite a few. Methinks the premise of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies seems good. Alter a classic novel and make it classic novel + zombies. Zombieland was a sweet movie, btw.

I blame the letter Z for only having a few cool words like Zombie and Zoolander (but fuck zebras, seriously, they suck)...Jim Henson's hands...and the fact that they're making a smurfs movie.

http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=macs_cant
is sfw, unless you work for apple, then it would be blasphemy

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...Cancer: Your computer will act funny today. Try deleting some of the porn, or download more. The ratio of legitimate files to porn files on your computer is WAY off.

"why don't we do it in the road"
File that under: things that must go through my dog's mind when he's looking for a place to poop whilst I am walking him.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I don't have anything visible orbiting my ass. There's probably a particle or two every once and a while, but I'm ok with that.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is why italians never came up with the game 'bobbing for meatballs'. Well, probably cuz pasta sauce is usually really hot. Let it skew to room temperature or something. I'd love to dunk my face in pasta sauce to try and grab hunks of meat.

"Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide
No escape from reality
Open your eyes
Look up to the skies and see
I'm just a poor boy
I need no sympathy
...
Any way the wind blows
Doesn't really matter to me"
...Now that's good writing
I like gay dead lyricists.

Challenge: "stripper pole" to "Abortion in the United States" on the wiki in 5 steps
1. Lap dancing
2. The Pill
3. Griswold v. Connecticut
4. Roe v. Wade
5. Abortion in the United States
What? too easy?

is it just me or would me killing a harbinger of spring mean that nuclear winter is coming? ((FC. You are way off on that one, Groundhog Day is a myth.)) But robins are supposedly a harbinger of spring, that's what I mean. If I kill the first robin I see with an elephant gun...you know...cuz they dont make guns specifically to shoot robins...that means spring aint comin. Speaking of birds and comin (cummin)...I wonder if you could teach birds to lick pussy.

"I haven't eaten since later this afternoon."
Notice the quotes...
...and find something to stick ur dick into.
don't ask. just do. it's the american way.

Holy Green Goblin just got arrested by regular cops for faceraping a grade-school teacher, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "Was it a male or a female grade-school teacher, boy wonder?"
To which Robin replied: "I don't fucking know. fuck cops. fuck jails. fuck harvey dent. fuck twoface. fuck two faced cunts like poison ivy. fuck that other cunt harley quinn. fuck fucking cunts. fuck fucking. fuck eunuchs like me who never fucking fuck any fucking chicks. Fuck that gay-ass Green Goblin who face-rapes teachers. Did I say fuck twoface? Fuck him. Yeah. Fuck him for becoming a villian. fuck all those villians, for being bad and never finding some kind of fucking compassion to suck an orphan's dick. yeah fucking especially Stephanie Brown that fucking cocktease for never sucking my dick and thinking she could replace me as your right hand lover. I mean sidekick. fuck!"
To which Batman replied: "Um, ok. To the Batmobile, Robin, you seem to need to stop having sex with men and need to finally feel what a vagina feels like."
{end scene}
...i know, i know, I looked it up and stephanie brown isn't the 'Dick Grayson'-robin love interest...cuz the wiki says Dick Grayson is the gay robin and i needed a chick for this fuck sequence to work. [Ed. aw. fuck. the WIKI says robin's gay?] ((FC. I am so ashamed.)) zing!
((FC. Correction, there are 3 women that Dick Grayson is romantically linked to. Barbara Gordon, Starfire and Catalina Flores.)) [Ed. SEE?! he's not gay!]
No. Shall I open the closet?
...and I just found out that there's a version of 'Robin' that is an illegitimate child of Batman. Makes it kinda hard to make gay jokes. gay incest jokes are much more over the line.
maybe next week.
same bad blog, same bad channel.

Fuck it, im moving to Puerto Rico.
Only if it's granted statehood tho. It's not american enough for me if its just leftover american imperialism.

I promise, I wont rape you in the butt. Pinky swear.

2010-03-10T15:10:00.006-06:00

Have I mentioned that I eat oatmeal now? Tabasco sauce doesn't go well with oatmeal, btw.

Johnny.Random's 4 random thoughts
1. I just had a thought that me randomly thinking about fisting and felching may not be random at all.
2. If someone paid me to like something, i would. so, instead of commercials trying to convince me to buy something, they should just give me money to buy it.
3. I wonder if hospitals classify coma patients by what type of vegetable they most resemble.
4. We should start a facebook group to change the color of pee. Yellow sucks.

I wanted to use the phrase "sorry im not home right now, im walking in the spiderwebs so leave a message and ill call you back" in a sentence.
Johnny Depp and Kevin Spacey were being odd one day in Casablanca when Dustin Hoffman's slave (Bono in blackface) came over to them and sifted through their ball satchels until he found the biggest bocce ball, to which he retrieved said bocce ball until leonardo dicrappio kicked him to the ground and started saying the lines of dialogue in the most unspecatular way 'sorry im not home right now, im walking in the spiderwebs so leave a message and ill call you back' until the director who shall not be named triggered the explosions from the bocce balls, and when the smoke cleared Jennifer Garner's horse face dressed up like a man sloppily tongue kissed leonardo dicrappio's third nipple while the director who shall not be named did a 360 revolving shot then yelled 'cut' and promptly exploded.
done.
run-on sentence be damned!

fuck me with a Bob Dylan harmonica. While he's playing it.

Bucket List Addendum: Buy a new guitar. Beat vagrants to death with my old guitars. Write a song about it.
Not necessarily in that order.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "bags under eyes. contacts too blurry. nasal congestion. it must be spring. fuck chicago and all its allergens"
especially plants. fuck plants. ((FC. Dendrophilia, also a crime. methinks it falls under public lewdness/ indecent exposure misdemeanor, and may result in you having to register as a sex offender in your neighborhood.)) [Ed. for having sex with a tree?] ((FC. Yes.)) [Ed. What if he fucks a ficus in his living room?] ((FC. I'll get back to you on that one.))
Youse guys take me too literally. I said 'fuck plants' as in 'i hate plants', not, 'im gonna go stick my dick into some daffodils'.
...
Yeah.

speaking of people not flushing their poo down the toilet...january and february are typically the lowest precipitation speaking, because snow's water equivalent is less depth or whatever than rain. it rains in march, though, and its the 4th dryest. but ive said it before...fuck rain. ((FC. An attraction or desire to immerse your genitals in liquids?))
...No.
Shit.
get off my back, you're taking the fun out of my blog...fuck fact checkers. fuck editors. fuck 2nd editions. fuck sloppy seconds. fuck sloppy tuna subs from subway. fuck subways. fuck homeless people who sleep on the train that goes thru the subway. fuck sleep. fuck sheep. fuck cloned sheep. fuck people who are against cloning. fuck people who are against clear cutting rain forest. fuck rain forests. fuck plants. fuck animals. fuck rocks. fuck crack rocks. fuck coin slots showing the top of the butt crack. fuck sweaty underpants. fuck sweat. fuck water. fuck rain.
yeah.

I googled on the google "sex in hamburger meat", you know, just cuz im depraving [Ed.(sic) depriving.] myself the burgers that im addicted to. There's nothing in the search results google. NOTHING. So I googled "hamburger" on the google instead. much more satisfying search results google.

I blame...waylon jennings-cyborg... john candy-zombie...and jenna jameson-porno actress.

http://www.electroniccigarettesinc.com/
you know, for in case i fall off the wagon again. I've almost quit for $600 dollars now, btw. [Ed. Um, Since when was money a unit of time?] Since I said so. ((FC. Physics fail!))

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...Taurus: You were an idiot for buying a Ford Taurus. You're still an idiot.

chewing gum field isn't the oldest baseball stadium. the period blood socks play in the oldest...and have won a world series championship in the past 100 years...actually, 6 of them.

One thing I'm really glad about is that a ghost has never shot ghostly cum ectoplasm upon me whilst I slept. Cuz that would suck.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is how much electricity it would take to render someone sterile. Like, forever. Is there a threshold of how much energy it would take to melt ur brain EXACTLY, and how much to sterilize the man parts EXACTLY. There's had to have been research done. ((FC. If I had a brain, it would have asploded from what you just said.))

"Fletch's ex-wife's attorney shows up and says that Fletch's ex-wife wants the property in Louisiana as part of the alimony. He tells Fletch if he'll sign over the property, that they'll leave him alone for the rest of his life and he'll never have to pay anything to her again. So, Fletch gladly does...pretending all the time it's killing him to do it...and never telling the attorney that the plantation is now a burned-down toxic waste dump... "
...Now that's good writing
...and I must reiterate that even in the sucky Fletch movie, Chevy Chase was tittytacular. Whatever happened to his funny bone?

Challenge: "vaginal flatulence" to "Detroit Red Wings" on the wiki in 9 steps
1. Colovaginal fistula
2. Sexual reassignment surgery
3. World Professional Association for Transgender Health
4. Standards of care for gender identity disorders
5. Male chest reconstruction
6. Gynecomastia
7. Anabolic steroid
8. National Hockey League
9. Detroit Red Wings
See, they are related.

is it just me or would it be awesome to masturbate onto a clothed celebrity's dead body? [Ed. It's just you] ((FC. ...and that's like, felony, illegal. However, if you commit the said necrophilia in Milwaukee, you may be ok. Masturbating is a grey area, though, because you're not exactly penetrating the corpse in a sexual manner. Still a felony somehow.)) Somehow? That's not very specific. Do your job, fag. ((FC. {self-fellates whilst sobbing softly}))
Um. Wow.

"I gave my word to stop at third"
Notice the quotes...
and thank Zeus I've never uttered those words.
Has any sane guy ever uttered those words?...and no, brainwashed by church doesn't count as sane.

Holy chocolate covered mammary glands, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "Um, that's not chocolate, Boy Wonder."
Robin ran to the loo and vomited up his breakfast.
Batman sat down in front of Robin's laptop and proceeded to wank himself off into Aquaman's uniform trousers whilst watching scatological pornography.
{end scene}
[Ed. I think you just traumatized me, writer(s).]
((FC. ...and concussed me.))

Fuck it, im moving to an omnisexual universe that is void of color and everything is in black and white.
just like my dreams.
you know the one, where ireland transforms into a gigantic leprechaun.
...and the personified version of england shits itself, and me, the leprechaun and Benito Mussolini sit around the swiss alps on fire and drink carbonated pee until we shoot semen uncontrollably in thick gray-scale ropes all over the polish flag.
it's the chantix, I think.

why did budweiser commercials get lame all of a sudden?

2010-03-05T15:05:00.024-06:00

Have I mentioned that 'pud' is a cool word. rhymes with bud. can be used as a curse word, ya know. like when you're talking about a St. Louis Blues player: "fucking cheap shot jaghole pud"

Johnny.Random's 4 random words/phrases
the inevitable return of ronnie woowoo, canada can continue to lick butt crack (but still send us oil), pyrotechinal technician, cinnamon is way worse of a spice compared to rosemary

I wanted to use the phrase "slim jim" in a sentence.
So this dude named Jim was eating a slim jim when his buddy came up to him and asked why he was eating a slim jim and if it was because he thought he, as a Jim, was too slim and needed to eat meaty goodness in a airtight plastic wrapper in order to be a not so slim Jim.
done.
dude. I have NO idea where I was going with that.

fuck me with a head of lettuce. with blue cheese dressing.

Bucket List Addendum: buy the biggest steak that I can at the store. put bacon on it. cook it. put it on vegetarian's desk when they go to the bathroom. laugh when they come back. get ice for groin after getting kicked for being insensitive. get back at them by firing chicken nuggets out of a potato gun at their Jetta.
Kinda ironic how the vegan pacifists are the first ones to kick out towards the groin parts that hold the manjuice.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "White sox games start today. wish i was in arizona. all the snow thats left should be lynched and burned in effigy"
i said snow.
snow.
no hate mail necessary.

speaking of deus ex machinas...im not really sure why people would buy music that supports the devil or the devil incarnate in a serious manner. well, moreso people that dont either believe in the devil at all or dont worship the devil. cuz for the most part, you cant understand what those gigantic faggots are singing anyways. maybe they're not singing about the devil anyways but really saying "fuck my mouth with your sexy cock" in a way that doesn't sound gay cuz they're closeted republicants.

I googled on the google "fucking obama", you know, to get pissed off with some wrong wing rhetoric. Instead, I found a take on "I'm fucking matt damon", and whole heartedly recommend that youse guys watch "I'm fucking obama" video ASAP on the videogoogles.

I blame...the sport of boxing...nora zehetner...and lame actresses using 'stunt nipples'.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gJCZAqEDkI
i know i know. too easy.
I take back that vegan pacifist/nut kick comment from earlier.

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...Pisces: If your name is Regina Spektor, something awesome will happen to your vagina today, otherwise, chances are, you're not going to get a free starbucks coffee from the hot barista even though she said she'd hook ya up. Oh, and the barista thinks you're ugly and a creep and is just nice to you cuz it's her job.

This year will most likely be the blackhawks first back-to-back seasons with playoff appearances since 1997. Not sayin, I'm just sayin.

One thing I'm really glad about is that only one of the members of Led Zeppelin is dead. Plus, Bonham's son is way better at drumming them drums than Ringo's son.
Yeah.
Fuck the Who. Fuck Who? Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck meat. Fuck cucumbers. Fuck the color green. Fuck green grass for growing so fast. Fuck dead grass for not growing at all. Fuck dead people. Fuck dead people's boners. [Ed. I hope you're not talking literally.] DAMMIT! WHY'D YOU INTERRUPT ME?
FUCK!

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if you can call one of those escort services to shovel the snow in ur driveway instead of giving u head in a limo.

"one great big festering neon distraction, ive a suggestion to keep you all occupied. learn to swim"
...Now that's good writing
I'd quote the rest of the song, but the priapism may kill you.
...oh...and "During a 1993 show at the Church of Scientology’s Celebrity Centre in Los Angeles, Keenan (who would later write the lyrics "Fuck L. Ron Hubbard and fuck all his clones") bleated like a sheep for a good portion of the show."
I laff.

Challenge: "Bob Dylan" to "The Other Side of AIDS" on the wiki in 10 steps
1. Greystone Park Psychiatric Hospital
2. Thorazine
3. Extrapyramidal side effect
4. Oculogyric crisis
5. Tourette syndrome
6. Sociological and cultural aspects of Tourette syndrome
7. In Utero
8. Rape Me
9. Foo Fighters
10. The Other Side of AIDS

is it just me or is it fucked that the 2 largest charitable donations in history were made by atheists. Well, wealthy atheists. Gates and Buffett.
don't believe me? fucking look it up. thats what the google is for.

"Women have choices, and men have responsibilities."
Notice the quotes...
yes, say those words in an argument and wake up with ur clothes on the lawn and/or 1 penis missing.

Holy Darth Blackpresident is coming to the darkside to get healthcare legislation passed, Batman!
To which Batman hoslapped Robin and replied: "You NEVER stop giving me head until I finish, Boy Wonder. Besides, we have to disagree with EVERYTHING that comes out of a Democrap's mouth, you know that."
Robin whimpered and proceeded to finish Batman off.
...Later, Superman beat the shit out of Batman for smacking a bitch.
{end scene}

Fuck it, im moving to...here.
Yeah.
Somebody please loan me $350,000 interest free with no intention of getting paid back.

if cortes lost, we'd all be speaking iroquois right now.

2010-03-03T15:03:00.013-06:00

Have I mentioned that hockey is incredibawesome? well, it is, and all you h8rs can lick kobe bryant's sweaty underpants. yeah, the ones with the brown stain from back when he played when he had the flu.

Johnny.Random's 4 random words/phrases/sentences
the straits of gibraltar, antisexual humor, lets go climb trees, if you get fucked by a sock puppet-that's the same as getting fisted, right?

I wanted to use the name "jodie foster" in a sentence.
Matt Damon was walking down 5th avenue whilst pantsless and decided to balance his gold-plated Jodie Foster bobblehead on the end of his flaccid penis, but it fell and broke so he started throwing a temper tantrum until topless Mariah Carey saw him and kneaded his balls to stop him from crying.
done.
runon sentence be damned!
good scene for a movie, imo.

fuck me with a phallicized cat brain.
phallicized. yeah. ((FC. I'm sorry but that isn't a word.)) [Ed. Yeah, that's right, writer(s), keep it up with your nonsensical rantings, I got my fact checker back.]
{hangs head}

Bucket List Addendum: get out of debt. somehow.
fuck.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "welcome back, march. we missed ya. now melt all this jesusdamn snow so we can shag in the grass like normal people"
I kinda need to clean up the dog poop in the yard first, methinks.
o, and get that mountain of concrete out of my yard. still.

speaking of mother nature being bipolar...we should design a computer that can laser any illness away. you know, a microburst of laser to a little teeny tiny bacterium. and have it seek & destroy however many million of bacterium are residing in the body. bewm. no more sick.
fucking lasers.
yeah.

I googled on the imagesgoogle "food wheel", you know, cuz there should be one. Just like the color wheel. hell, give a college student a grant to throw something together. its money more well spent than on fighter planes and paying some dickhead congressman's salary.

I blame urine...printer toner...and imitation sugar
...for everything.

No link today just, happy birthday mom...and stop reading my blog, mom.

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...Taurus: Carla Gugino will read ur fanboi email today. The desire she will get to kill herself will be nearly overwhelming. When you watch the news tomorrow and she off'd herself with a shotgun to the panooch, it'll be ur fault.

hehe. link anyways http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urlTBBKTO68
i laff. thanks to Geek for this one. spanish subtitles rock too. ((FC. Except that the subtitles are in Portuguese.))[Ed. HAH!]
lol baby raper.

One thing I'm really glad about is that Uma Thurman's man-hands never beat off my cock into a toaster oven.
Seriously, that would suck.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is how many amateur porn videos end in disaster. And by disaster I mean stuff like the dude cumming too soon, the chick forgetting to tell the dood she's on the rag, anal sex making a chick poop diarrhea [Ed. See? There's POO in there!] and/or cumshots blinding and/or killing the recipient of cumshot. [Ed. Seriously, your mom better not be reading your blog at this point.]

"There is one rather amusing scene of a robot doll holding a magnet to his head for his own enjoyment and making groaning noises. It does appear that he is getting "High" off of the magnet, but it is simply implied."
...Now that's good writing
And yeah, it's implied a lot.

Challenge: "cholesterol" to "2010 Chile earthquake" on the wiki in 11 steps
1. Vitamin K
2. Hemolytic anemia
3. Peripheral blood smear
4. Jenner's stain
5. Methylene blue
6. Bone cement
7. 1940s
8. Atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki
9. TNT equivalent
10. Megathrust earthquake
11. 2010 Chile earthquake
What? too soon?

is it just me or would it be awesome to die with a boner and you tell the funeral home specifically to make sure your dead body has a full-open-casket with your dead body basking in the glow of dead-body boners? [Ed. No, that's just...fucking gross.] ((FC. Agreed. Most funeral homes value modesty over comedy.)) Fine. have the fucking wake at my house then. lay my dead ass on the couch with my dead body boner all poking out.
Oh, did I mention that I should be wearing pants?
Does that change ur mind?
[Ed. No.]
((FC. No.))

"I was starting to think you were just a sadistic psycho bitch."
Notice the quotes...
sadistic. good word.

Holy flaming gays can go into the military now so we can come out of the closet, Batman!
To which Batman replied, "Not exactly, Boy Wonder, we're Republicants, and thusly must shun sodomy publically but enjoy the decadent yumminess of it behind closed closet doors."
Robin looked confused and sad.
Superman flew into the room buck naked.
[Ed. Oh shit. I don't like where this is going.] Don't worry.
Superman was laughing and spoke, "Dude. I was just bangin' Wonder Woman doggystyle whilst we were watchin' the news, and I heard Darth blackpresdient is letting the supergays into the army. I couldn't stop laughing thinking that you guys were FINALLY gonna come outta the closet!"
Robin stared at Superman's massive cock.
Batman replied: "Um, we're not gay."
Robin started walking zombielike towards supermans cock and spoke: "Must. Suck. Cock."
Superman flew away.
Batman composed himself and said: "Quickly, Robin, to the Batmobile, we need to do something macho!"
They went to a cubs game.
{end scene}

Fuck it, im moving to...fuck it...I'm not moving today. too much stress. too much lifting. too much packing. too much back injury.
yeah.
fuck moving. fuck moving vans. fuck vans. fuck ford econoline vans. fuck ford. fuck lincoln. fuck lincoln town cars. fuck towns. fuck cities. fuck urbanization. fuck suburbia. fuck suburbs. fuck schaumburg. fuck the woodfield mall. fuck malls. fuck JC Penny. fuck pennies as a unit of money. fuck money. fuck debt. fuck mortgages. fuck banks. fuck harris bank. fuck employees of harris bank. fuck that lion that represents harris bank. fuck lions. fuck lions that fuck on tv, fuck poor excuse for fucking everything else is on late night tv, fuck tv. fuck nbc, fuck nbc's hockey game of the week for starting the fucking game so damn early and including the fucking red wings, fuck detroit, fuck detroit-area automakers, fuck ford, fuck ford econoline vans, fuck vans, fuck moving vans, fuck moving.
yeah.

Not prostate, you idiot. probate!

2010-02-26T14:26:00.010-06:00

Have I mentioned that the english language sucks ass? Well, it does. Or should i say arse? yeah. arse.

Johnny.Random's 4 random words/phrases
cornerstone, chainsmoking a chainlink fence [Ed. Too literal, methinks.], Tide Mountain Rain Detergent, teachers leave them kids alone

I wanted to use the phrase "spit or swallow" in a sentence.
The vagrant stood over the dead hooker's body yelling 'spit or swallow' at her because she had drank the last of his franzia box wine before she seized up and died.
done.
run on sentence be damned.
and yeah, i bet you thought i would go in a different direction with that one.
pfft.
fuck ya'll for typecasting me as a writer. I got range, bitches.

fuck me with a retarded kid's retarded shemale father.
[Ed. Got range, huh?]
Shut up.

Bucket List Addendum: mail somebody my poo.
no further comment. still giggling.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "killer whales suck at killing people in a cool way. they need to rename killer whales. Whales with sharp teeth that occasionally kill people methinks."
I didn't count letters. I don't fucking care if its too long. [Ed. That's what she said.]
Oh. What? Too soon?

speaking of elliptical orbits...why the fuck isn't douchebag properly defined as "shithead cocksucking asshole" in the dictionary online? O. It says "an unattractive or offensive person". Close enough, methinks not. douchebags are BOTH buttassugly and offensively offensive. Call Miriam-Webster and have that 'or' changed to 'and/or'. now.

I googled on the google "a2m butt pee", you know, cuz someone dared me to. or something. nothing really to speak of in terms of badness. Just a lot of pictures with dicks going into buttholes. Nice anal creampie shot on page 2 tho.
I was hoping for something different, obviously.
Yeah.
I suppose if anal grosses ya out [Ed. ...because there poo in there.] you could always google "GILF double penetration" instead.

I blame Martin Luther (not of the King variety)...Pez dispensers...and Funnyordie.com for finally selling out.

http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Main_Page
yes. it. is.

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...Sagittarius: The heavens are aligning so that the pull from Venus will make the girl at the supermarket in Leeds incredibly horny for males and females of this particular zodiac sign at precisely 4:55-4:58 PM GMT. Find her and conquer her.
[Ed. It's 10:55-10:58 AM CST, sorry reader(s), you missed it.]

Ozzie Guillen is from Venezuela...and has twitter...and also isn't ranked among the best 50 shortstops to even play the game.
jury's out on the whole manager thing tho.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I don't live in the Middle East, or Afghanistan. To bomb-y for my liking. I like my countries without barrage of bombs and fighter planes, thank you. Oh, and tanks firing bigass bullet-y things, yeah.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if a lady can have a 2 minute pee ala Tom Hanks in 'A League of their own'. Help me out here, ladies.

"Near the end Ace Ventura "strips" a female character & refers to genitals with several humorous expressions."
...Now that's good writing
especially if you've memorized such several humorous expressions.

Challenge: "urethra" to "Roe v Wade" on the wiki in 10 steps
1. G-spot
2. Female ejaculation
3. The Sexual Life of Savages in North-Western Melanesia
4. Matrilineality
5. French name
6. Napoléon Bonaparte
7. Napoleonic code
8. Roman law
9. Homo sacer
10. Roe v Wade

is it just me or are there very few times when shitting upon someone's chest is appropriate? Not that I would...I'm just curious. What kind of times is such behaviours ok?

"It smells like Thai food in here. Have you guys been fucking? "
Notice the quotes...
no comment.

Holy first lady taking a vendetta against fat kids, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "As long as it doesn't raise my taxes, Boy Wonder, Padme Michelle Obama can talk whatever shit she wants."
Robin nudges Batman and says: "Kinda reminds ya of how useless Hillary was when that massive blasphemous lecherous heathen was in office, huh?"
Batman grasps Robin around his shoulder and laughs heartily as they both walk into a club that which {censored} people often frequent and are said to have {censored} {censored} and {censored} {censored} in the bathrooms through gaps in the urinals called glory holes.
[Ed. Dude. Stop it with the gay republicant rants.]
No!
..They were wearing matching fluorescent mesh tank tops, bike shorts, and thigh high leather boots.
Hah!
{end scene}
[Ed. You suck. Fag.]
hehe. but i have a queen amidala in mah story now!
[Ed. I guess that makes the daughters little luke and leia.]
Fuck. that.
more like Chelsea Clinton as leia and...fuck...i'll come up with luke later.

Fuck it, im moving to Mongolia to make me a little hun. Well, not a little hun. A great hun. fuck nevermind. i'll just move to south bend, indiana and off myself while screaming "We need more nipples on TV!"

Tinker Bell is a fucking slut

2010-02-25T14:25:00.011-06:00

Have I mentioned that this blog is the start of a new limited edition series of extended length johnny.random bloghs? No? Well, it is. Enjoy.

Johnny.Random's 4 random words/phrases
felching, pitted, hydroponic isobars, sc johnson

I wanted to use the phrase "josie & the pussycats" in a sentence.
Let's assume that josie & the pussycats were really horny, and did each other in a sexual manner whilst off camera.
done.
Now that ain't ruining any childhood memories in MY book. Nor would it ruin opinions of Rachel Leigh Cook and Tara Reid. They should dyke it out.

fuck me with a ball-point pen.
or a felt tip pen.

Bucket List Addendum: burn someone.
Clarification: burn someone, but don't burn someone alive.
Clarification: burn someone, but don't burn someone alive nor set someone completely ablaze.
Clarification: burn someone, but don't burn someone alive nor set someone completely ablaze...just pick a random person and secretly light their purse/manpurse on fire with a zippo.
Yeah.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "'No meat and caffeine make johnny.random something something' 'Go Crazy?' 'Pfft. No. Get headache.'"

speaking of freezing a butt cheek to a flagpole...The congress finally did something! Recent news shows that they passed a bill to repeal anti-trust protection granted to the health care insurance industry! I busted a nut when I heard it. And by nut, I don't mean almond. or a soy nut, cuz thats not really a nut, it's a soybean. shit. where was I? [Ed. anti-trust. congress.] kthx. anti-trust protection, he gone. Now that social security shit earlier this week makes me even less likely to retire on the government's dime, so fuck it. Matter of fact, fuck social security. fuck brinks home security. fuck brinks armored cars. fuck cars. fuck tesla roadsters for being so expensive. fuck expensive HD tvs that I still can't afford. fuck tv. fuck ncis. fuck csi. fuck acronyms. fuck adobe acrobat. fuck circuses. fuck elephants. fuck tara reid's elephantiasis infected breasts. fuck tits. fuck titty fucking. fuck fucking. fuck fucking congress. fuck congress for passing social security exemptions. fuck social security.
FUCK YEAH. full circle, bitches.

I googled on the google "cambodian cabbage patch". Kidding. I was looking for "pussy looks like cabbage" cuz I heard there was a pic of that.
I was hoping for something different, obviously.
I wasn't disappointed by "cambodian cabbage patch" on the urbandictionary tho. Go figure.

I blame robin hood for ruining the name "little john"...bleached buttholes...and florescent lighting.

http://pleaserobme.com/
you're welcome

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...Virgo: You have a clone. Right now, he's homeless and dying. You have 77 minutes to find him and get him medical treatment before he dies. Go!

Toews and Hossa are leading the Olympics hockey scoring. But I still must state "Fuck Canada".

One thing I'm really glad about is that I'm not 31 years-old with the brain activity of an infant. [Ed. I disagree with that, you fucking retard.] Ass.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if you kill your clone would that be considered murder or suicide? Or likewise, I suppose the better question would be if you want your clone to kill you...and it kills you but gets caught, murder or suicide?
Ethics and the Judicial system don't mix very well, do they?
Yeah, I went there.

"He's a real nowhere man,
Sitting in his Nowhere Land,
Making all his nowhere plans
for nobody."
...Now that's good writing
and think of what drugs Lennon & mcCartney were on when they wrote that. ponder it. suckle it. fellate it. yeah.

Challenge: "Anna Nalick" to "Balancing on Chairs" on the wiki in 10 steps
1. Joan of Arcadia
2. Amber Tamblyn
3. Poetry Foundation
4. Poetry Out Loud
5. Columbus Alternative High School
6. Orlando, Florida
7. Walt Disney World
8. Downtown Disney
9. La Nouba
10. Balancing On Chairs

is it just me or would it be really sucky to die inside of a heating duct? Like if you were a spy whom was stealing something from someone and ur escape plan was to crawl through the heating ducts. And you broke your leg falling onto a desk, and the duct was smaller than u expected and when you tried to turn around you accidentally whacked ur head hard against the sheet metal, gave yourself a concussion and fell unconscious face first towards the air flow.
Yeah.
There's not enough injuries and deaths in spy movies. Even with kickass training, being a spy has gotta suck ass in terms of fatality rate. Bad guys in real life don't shoot as badly as bad guys in movies too.

"Unfortunately, my neck does look like a vagina. "
Notice the quotes...
and yes, the movie does feature a cameo by tom cruise but don't hold that against me.

Holy Cap & Trade public forum discussion, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "Hush, Boy Wonder, we shan't talk about such things and should instead invent studies to disprove their figures to which we will disperse to our clone army followers on foxnews. Remember. The Democraps are EVIL."
To which Robin replied: "Indeed. The Rebel Alliance is being quite uncanny by suggesting GRANTS to green producers though."
To which Batman replied: "Uncanny?! Pfft. They can't just keep printing money! It has fail written all over it!"
Robin nodded his head in glowing affirmation and agreement with his mentor, idol and {censored} {censored}.
Batman pulled Robin's head back onto his naked lap and Robin resumed {censored} Batman's enormous {censored}.
[Ed. Gay Republicants? Seriously? {shakes head}]
iLOL.

Fuck it, im moving to jail. an abandoned one.
Theres a lotta room in old jails. you can make a kick ass house, i bet.
Might take a while to get rid of the musty ass rape smells tho.
well, there's always febreeze.

Never go full retard

2010-02-19T14:19:00.010-06:00

Have I mentioned that I'm designing a automobile seat that which a man can give a woman cunnilingus whilst SHE is driving?
Owait, I know why I didn't mention it...because I'm lying.
It would be cool to eat some panooch as a car passenger tho, right?

I wanted to use the phrase "fleshy island" in a sentence.
She has a fleshy island between her labia, and he found it easily, thusly, she didn't need to do a Mila Kunis impression and fake an orgasm.
done.
Runon sentence be damned.

fuck me with a boot that was inside a cooter.
And yes, I'm aware that boot rhymes with coot(er).

Bucket List Addendum: Start a butt police to prevent people from committing acts of sodomy. Make the punishment for sodomy == death.
Owait. I forgot I'm not christian.
Nevermind.

speaking of movies featuring necrophilia...when exactly did Chevy Chase stop being funny? I want to go back into the past and stop that moment from happening. somewhere between Christmas Vacation and Vegas Vacation. Fuckin 90s.

I googled on the videosgoogle "fart on scalp". Dude. Seriously. Maybe I need to google something different to get what I'm looking for, cuz I got no videos of people farting upon scalps.
{sad}
..."ugly lawyer nude" imagesgoogle search sux too.
{double sad}

I blame Sienna Miller's leather/latex jumpsuit in the movie GI Joe...my mushroom head...and panera bread.

No linky today. Just a moment of silence for my Uncle Vince.
.
done.

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...Libra: Johnny Depp has a tighter butthole than Kate Moss, but the decision as to which to fuck is still yours. Choose wisely.

One thing I'm really glad about is that "big brother" can't see me building shitloads of ICBMs in Civilization IV...and using them and laughing...or maybe they do know about it...which means I'm glad I'm not in Gitmo.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if there will ever be an artistic movement that celebrates the art of fart. I'd explain but I'm too busy smelling my ass at the moment. [Ed. Gross. Simply Gross.] Channeling Simon Cowbell now, I see. [Ed. Ass.]

"A sex scene with a man, a woman, and a giant bag of marijuana. No real nudity but the woman puts her hand in the bag's "vagina"."
...Now that's good writing

is it just me or would it be awesome to be a cartoon? I would totally do Daria if I was a cartoon...and Janeane Garofalo in real life now that I mention it. [Ed. Hate to mention it, but Janeane Garofalo didn't voice 'Daria', Tracy Grandstaff did.] Is she hot? [Ed. No. Butterface.] Damn. Teenage fantasy ruined.

"So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear."
Notice the quotes...
and no, it wasn't me offering Build-a-bear.

Holy Emperor Ron Paul squashing socialist and reckless spending legislation with his mighty rhetoric, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "It is our duty to uphold the Constitution, Boy Wonder, to the Batmobile, we must assist Emperor Ron Paul!"
To which Robin replied: "But I thought Emperor Ron Paul was EVIL!"
To which Batman replied: "No, Robin, he has our country's best interests when he says crazy things like 'gold standard', 'forces of capitalism' and 'i eat babies'."
To which Robin replied: "Um"
{Batman holds the constitution over his head and lets out a yell reminiscent of "Black & White" video by artist formerly known as Michael Jackson}
{Robin looks up in awe at that magnificent document}
{end scene}
Tune in next week- same bad blog, same bad channel.

Fuck it, im moving to the fictional town of Lawndale.
Daria must be mine. We're destined to be together on some sophmoricly retarded alternate universe made up of cartoons, lube and bacon.

Oxymorons

2010-02-18T14:18:00.003-06:00

The following is Johnny.Random's first guest appearance. cartoondan has some funny stuff to say. You can disagree with him often on facebook comments and now laff at his responses to this chain email that circulated (the original email comprises of the questions, his responses are below them)

"An oxymoron is like "jumbo shrimp" or "icey hot", not dumb questions:"

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Yes

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
Because it counts the seconds not the thirds.

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
Look it up in another dictionary.

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
The words already existed, he was the first to write them down in one book is all.

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Whack = weird. If you're so weird that you don't fall into the term "whack" anymore, you become out of whack.

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
They are not. Slowing down is the term referred to when decelerating to avoid hitting something. "slow down, you're gonna hit that retard!"
Slowing up is the term referred to when decelerating to see something interesting. "slow up, you gotta see this hermaphrodite with no legs!"

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Again. They don't. A fat chance is much more overweight than a slim chance.

Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Because they are all on drugs.

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
In celebration of the fact that our drunk asses didn't fall down the bleachers.

Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?
That's where you stand up and cheer for your team. Plus, "sits" sounds lazy.

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Because it's after darkness begins. That question is dumb.

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Yes. Point?

Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Can't a wise man be a wise guy? In which case how Is one person opposite of themselves? That's a better question.

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Because they've developed opposite definitions over thousands of years as the words evolved. Plus, the words originated in different countries, hence the large difference between very similar sounding words.

Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
Cause it's ironic.

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa... Who said work was terrific?!

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Omg! That's a figure of speech! Not even close to an oxymoron. It refers to an actor treating the whole world as a place to perform, the audience could sit on the stage anyway.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Because sex doesn't equal love. Lingerie is for fuckin. [Ed. FWIW, This reply should be the new definition of Epic Win.]

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Now that's just rude.

Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Again with evolving definitions from different countries. That's just how the words ended up.

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
To make sure that it's not the buttons that are broken, and verify that it really is the batteries. You don't want to replace the batteries if you don't need to and then find out that it was just a stuck button, do you?

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
Again with evolving definitions from different countries. That's just how the words ended up.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?
So it can be abbr.

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
A lot of dead skin particles are wiped away with bath towels, shedding some skin is part of the cleaning process. If you use the same towel again you're wiping some dead skin back on yourself. But I do suppose that it is CLEAN, dead skin. Clean and dead. I don't really want dead anything on me, whether or not it is clean.

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Because there isn't enough air in the bottle to make the glue harden. If you leave the cap off or opened it sticks.

Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
Who is "they". They don't. I don't know anyone who calls it a tv set. They call it a tv. And I have three.

Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
Anytime. [Ed. Simple, I like it.]

Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?
I've seen both parking on a parkway and driving in on a driveway before. So, really, it could have went either way.

"Oh! I wasn't supposed to answer the rhetorical questions...
See, you can be a wise guy and wise man simultaneously."

zomg, darth blackpresident is gonna raise mah taxes ohnoez! socialism!

2010-02-12T14:12:00.013-06:00

Have I mentioned that singing boom boom pow apparently makes people over 30 less cool? I didn't know that. I guess singing current pop music has an inverse affect upon coolness as age increases and is above the 20 year old threshold.
The beatles, though, are still cool.

I wanted to use the phrase "choking the chicken" in a sentence.
Barrett Jackman plays for the saint louis blues and thusly is a retard-for-brains whom practises the art of choking the chicken upon his naked teammates whilst showering after one of their many losses.
done.
...he prefers spanking upon Cam Janssens belly, obviously.
...and I was going to reference the rampant man-on-man buttsecks in the blues lockerroom but I decided not to.
owait.
nevermind.

fuck me with a widowed chick's ben wah balls.
...only if she used them on herself and not her recently deceased husband's ass.

Bucket List Addendum: create a phallic object with blades on it. preferably with a razor-like sharpness. make a single file line of jailed individuals whom have committed rape. rape criminals in the ass in rapid succession [Ed. ...but there's poo in there!] with razor cock...without reacharounds.

speaking of undiscovered amazonian territory...I wonder if there have been actual studies performed to determine if blondes are in fact dumber and have more fun than women with darker tones upon their above-the-top-of-their-face hair. I think I've known smart blondes in my life, but I doubt it. I might just be misremembering.

I googled on the google "kat", just cuz it seems like a dirty girl name. It is. Kat Von D is dirrty. Or maybe it's just her tattoos. It's too bad that the google wont let you do that search thing that you used to be able to do "-{word}" cuz i'd like to search on teh googles "kat -tattoo" and get a whole lot of strippers without tattoos...and Kat Dennings.

I blame violence in women's soccer...the band 3 doors down...and arugula.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vAIUKdT7_H0
it's moderately safe for work.
you're welcome.

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...Aries: The girl you didn't bang in high school when you had the chance is getting married today. Just a FYI. Don't kill yourself or anything.

One thing I'm really glad about is that scrubs and lab coats were invented. Especially for females.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if the really geeky and socially estranged doods have sexual instruments that which they have named. you know, in between rounds of WoW, their pocket pussy named "claire, the cheerleader" becomes penetrated with their "sword of pwnage"

"sell the kids for food
weather changes moods
spring is here again
reproductive glands"
...Now that's good writing
...if ur on heroin
...18 years ago

is it just me or would it be a fucking awesome world if 1) there was only one religion & b) that religion encouraged meaningless sex with everyone regardless of race, gender or hotness & 3) there were no STDs, or if there were, you could get rid of em just by masturbating?
See that, thinking ahead with that promiscuity thing...gotta make sure you stay disease free, unlike {insert moderately talented actress with an eating disorder and a sucking too many dicks disorder here}.
Scratch that. Fuck religion. Fuck religious persecution. Fuck purses. Fuck stores that sell purses. Fuck walmart.
Yes, from fuck religion to fuck walmart in 4 steps.
I went there.

"I only cheated on you once, there just happened to be two women"
Notice the quotes...
Is that a technicality I see?

Holy Sith Emperor Ron Paul smiting Martian Manhunter for being a gay illegal alien, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "Quick Robin, to the Supreme Court! We musn't allow racism against Martians in OUR United States...only against Mexicans and Arabs!"
To which Robin replied: "Der, Freedom!...I liek freedoms."
To which Batman replied: "But wait, did you say he's GAY, boy wonder? pfft. nevermind...patriot act...don't raise taxes...darth socialism...sarah palin...filibuster...dey touk er jobz!"
To which Robin replied: "Gay marriage, bad! Where's my gun? Go get my gun, Alfred, there's welfare recipients on our porch."
...
Tune in next week- same bad blog, same bad channel.
[Ed. geez. I'm thinking I'm gonna let you make them gay again. Batman & Robin as right wing poster-boys just isn't working for me.]
Sweet!
[Ed. Don't change it just yet. Just make them less, I dunno, Dick Cheney-ey.]
Ok. Duly noted.

Fuck it, im moving to a hot tub.
living in a hot tub would make my cack smaller though, from excessive water saturation methinks.
so.
nevermind.
ill just soak in one for a while.
in cabo.

I was born with a plastic spoon in my mouth

2010-02-11T14:11:00.008-06:00

Have I mentioned that rule 34 could be a very very very very very bad thing. Lets say you googled "Editor of Johnny.Random sucking on a elephant cock". It most definitely doesn't exist...but because of Rule 34, it will exist. So Editor sucks elephant cock(s). [Ed. Damn. {hangs head in shame}] Hehe.
google "johnny.random writer(s) sex with Renee Zellweger" on the google while ur at it.
Yeah.
'Bridget Jones' era Renee Zellweger, not 'Chicago' era Renee Zellweger.
Gotta have some meat on my bitches.

I wanted to use the phrase "fuckme boots" in a sentence.
She wore her fuckme boots on purpose that day, as to attract male attention, and so she wouldn't need to ask one of them to fuck her, because fuckme boots cause men to volunteer to have fuck with women.
done.
Run-on sentences be damned!

fuck me with a regurgitating heart chamber.
Or something.
Yeah.

Bucket List Addendum: Buy a McDonalds. Get rid of the filet of fish and the double filet of fish. Lower the prices. Run 'restaurant' into the ground. Laugh. Repeat.
Well, that or become archnemesis with someone, take a weeks worth of runny dog shit, and drop it in their oven on broil.

speaking of ugly women orgasming uncontrollably...I'm famished. No, I'm not participating in famine-like activities, but I'm hungry. I like having the luxury of many different food products available to me upon hunger occurring. Fuck hunger. Fuck burgers. Fuck Burger King. Fuck Burger King commercials. Fuck commercials. Fuck television. Fuck american idol. Fuck americans whom 'represent' us in an unsatisfactory manner. Fuck unsatisfactory as a grade on report cards-put "F" as in FUCKING FAILURE. Fuck fucking. Fuck beds. Fuck mattresses. Fuck box springs. Fuck boxes. Fuck tupperwares. Fuck containers. Fuck all the contents of containers in storage areas in the whole fucking world. Fuck the whole fucking world.
Yeah.
Fuck hunger...and fuck the whole fucking world.

I googled on the google "tiny ass", you know, to induce vomiting. I was pleased that the google didn't show anorexic booty. It surely would have made me puke. There clearly is a difference between the searches "anorexic ass" and "tiny ass". I thank those of the google ilk whom have programmed the google to properly identify the mark'd difference between such searches.

I blame it on the lack of virginal volcanic human sacrifices...shineboxes...and black coffee.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rp6-wG5LLqE
that's the way it should be (and used to be done)
is SFW, btw.

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...Capricorn: You can't slap the breasts like you prefer to whenst having sexual intercourse in the style of the dog, mayhaps you should consider another position (it may help your stamina as well).

One thing I'm really glad about is that I've never douched my butt. Or enema'd my butt. Or took that solution you hafta drink before surgery that makes you poop constantly until nothing but water comes out. I like my bowels clogged, just the way they are, thank you.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if homosexual dudes ever have a "moment of clarity"?...Like, say if they're getting fucked in the ass and a light bulb moment happens and they're like. 'Dude, stop fucking me in the ass, there's poo in there...and I like chicks now.'

"She goes in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out
Cause' she's playing all night
And the music's all right
Mama's got a squeeze box
Daddy never sleeps at night"
...Now that's good writing
I think.
er, methinks Pete Townsend did some drugs too.

is it just me or was it a really really really bad idea to have classic rock acts (read-old) play halftime of the super fuckmeintheass bowl? [Ed. It's just you.] jesusdammit.

"SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!"
Notice the quotes...
hey, it can happen. Girls fart too, right?

Holy poorly executed Jedi-Mind Trick, Batman! Maybe all that white stuff in my faeces is actually {censored} from when you {censored} me last night.
[Ed. Dude, stop.]
Whatever, if I want to fictionalize that Robin & Batman are {2 words censored} I can.
I hate you, editor.
[Ed. ...and I'm okay with that, just so long as you don't tarnish some of DC comic's finest characters.]
Well can I have Robin, Batman and Superman gangbanging Wonder Woman?
[Ed. Yes, the editor(s) of this blog encourage the use of fictional heterosexual intercourse as a tool to illicit laughter.]
What if they're raping her?
[Ed. Hmmmm. I'll allow it.]
Can Martian Manhunter be gay?
[Ed. Oh, he's totally gay, I mean, he's got 'manhunter' in his name, go right ahead. Just, um, leave Robin and Batman un-homo for a while, ok?]
I'll consider it.
{end scene}

Fuck it, im moving to...{checking google maps}...fuck THAT. I aint moving to Antarctica. Lets try this again.
{checking google maps}...
Coral Bay.
Australia.
Ok lets wiki that shit.
Hells. Yes.
I'm moving there.

Receiving vigorous head raises your heart rate

2010-02-09T14:09:00.008-06:00

Have I mentioned that I think it's incredibly ironic that our forefathers came to america to escape religious and moral persecution, yet we're now more morally and religious prudes than Europe?
Well, chew on that for a while.

I wanted to use the phrase "girthy mass" in a sentence.
She refused anal sexual intercourse (also known as sodomy) because she felt her anus and rectum would be unable to support his girthy mass upon penetration, and was thusly worried about the potential rupture of her internal organs.
done.

fuck me with a ftp server.
The whole server. Up my butt. [Ed. You're gay.]
Shut up.
at least I didn't say vpn server, hah!

Bucket List Addendum: Make tons of money...buy the blue team in town...run it into the ground [Ed. Um, dude, they already suck eggs.] They can be worse. Much worse, we're talking Pittsburgh Pirates-bad. Oh, and demolish Wrigley Field.
Yeah.

speaking of military coups...if blackpresident goes apeshit and assumes dictatorial control over america, methinks Ron Paul will be in there as his right hand man. He's got the whole Chancellor Palpatine thing going on...Old. Crusty. Kills babies. Envisions a perfect world that doesn't currently exist. Hung like an infant. Ability to shoot lightning bolts out of his hands. Wears a black hooded cloak on days that may or may not include Halloween. Is a member of a governing body which is really a front to his evil aspirations.
Oshit.
I just realized that my tangent kinda makes blackpresident the "Anakin Skywalker" if you will, the "Darth Vader" if you may. That was unintentional, but I like it anyways.

So an associate of mine searched teh internets, looking for something that would obviously interest me...
the food with the highest cholesterol content and lowest calories is Veal Brain...which has 3100mg of cholesterol per 136 calorie serving.
That's friggin insane.
I wonder where I can buy it :)

I blame egotistical parents who name their sons Angel and/or Jesus...crisco...and scented towels.

http://www.luckyblackjack.com/mit-team.html
yes, it actually DID happen. Good read. very interesting.

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...Elif air ab tizak! or...yebo ti kogn krwavim kurtzem sestru na maychinom grobu.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I've never tried heroin. I have what may be referred to as an addictive personality. Meaning I get addicted to stuff, not that people are addicted to how awesome I am, even though I am, in fact, awesome. [Ed. Think again writer(s), your cockfidence unchecked may result in massive beat downs upon you by gay Samuel L. Jackson. In other words, Fuck you, you suck, you're a fag, you have a little dick, yo momma, you can't run fast, you can't type fast, you can't swim fast, you're lazy, you're demented and you're balls smell like chili.]
{cry}

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is the ratio of sparks to fire whenst a fire is ablazen. I know you need a spark to start a fire, cuz Bon Jovi told me in the song Social Disease, but how many sparks are there in a fire? or is it allsparks like that Transformers thingy?
I'm dumb.

"Well, they'll stone ya when you're trying to be so good,
They'll stone ya just a-like they said they would.
They'll stone ya when you're tryin' to go home.
Then they'll stone ya when you're there all alone.
But I would not feel so all alone,
Everybody must get stoned."
...Now that's good writing.
Yeah, Dylan smoked some weeds.

is it just me or should there be another star wars movie? With all this talk of Emperor Ron Paul and Darth blackpresident, I'm jonesing for more cinematic awesomeness. Call Lucasfilms and get on that. Just so long as there's no JarJar or that faggety ass Anakin or the not-real-enough clone wars sheit, it'll be so money.

"There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!"
Notice the quotes...
I need to write more. I can write shit like that!

Holy ratbirds ravenously chomping gigantic hotdogs, Batman!
It's from a movie. Not necessarily a good movie, but a movie nonetheless.

Fuck it, im moving to...{finding google maps}...Guaranta do Norte.
Ok, lets wiki that shit,
nevermind. wiki didnt help shit. It's in Brazil and like 30k people live there.
fuck it, I'll move there anyway.

Lightning is cool, but fuck thunder

2010-02-05T14:05:00.011-06:00

Have I mentioned that upskirt cameras are most likely illegal? Shower cams too.
Well, unless you get consent methinks...or if you're really really really really really really really really really good at hiding them.

I wanted to use the phrase "chronic hardcore buttfuckery" in a sentence.
The doctor examined the woman's butthole and immediately assumed that her husband suffered from chronic hardcore buttfuckery.
done.

fuck me with a shithead congressman's limp fag cock.
not really. Use that as a saying to express disgust, especially in the government (and by fag I don't mean gay, I mean fag)
Btw, I support secession...but if youse guys learned anything, it's that I should most definitely not be allowed to lead a group of people above the population of 100.

Bucket List Addendum: give a bunch of random people pinkeye either by stinkpalming them or wiping my ass on the hand towels in the bathroom then putting them back.
It's odd that the above line is probably the most realistic of all the things I've put on my bucket list recently.
Maybe that means I should do it and get it crossed off.

speaking of having sex with dirty diapers...Why is "Kurt Cobain's daughter sings" a fucking headline in this country? Our priorities are completely fucked up. Instead of giving us more television options, they should give us less. 25 years ago we had what? Half the channels that we do now? And what did we have as a result? 99% shitty television. ...and now, it's still 99% (well, more like 99.99%) shitty television. New America-No TV. Teh internets are ok, cuz you know, we need YouTube and a place where we can get news without spin and bias.
Yeah.
I'd rant more but I haven't got my cholesterol under control yet, and my life insurance hasn't cleared underwriting.

I googled on the google "Valeria Golino", you know from Hot Shots and Hot Shots: Part Deux. She's Napoletano, ya know. Age hasn't been particularly kind to her female endowments, though. So, I suppose, just google "Allison Stokke" on the google, she's more um, firm.

I blame...lego star wars...how big my penis is in my dreams but then being disappointed that it's not that big when I wake up...and Jerry Seinfeld's publicist.

http://www.rcdb.com/
yeah! ride it! harder! faster! harder! {splooge}
[Ed. What is it with you, rollercoasters, and orgasms?]
Dunno.
Just wanna fuck on a rollercoaster I guess.

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...Aries: There's always time for lubricant... Also, that's not a rash.

One thing I'm really glad about is that Los Angeles is so far away from me. Fuck Los Angeles. Fuck the translation of Los Angeles into English. Fuck English Premiere League Football. Fuck Football. Fuck The Super Bowl. Fuck people who use tupperware as cereal bowls. Fuck chocolate cheerios. Fuck fake orgasms. Fuck Jersey Shore. Fuck New Jersey. Fuck New York.
Yeah. Both cities. Fuck Them.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if there's Nazi enthusiasts whom own imitation Hitler penises. Or if there's people whom collect famous people's imitation dicks...and have his. Don't look at me. I'm not a Nazi enthusiast nor am I an imitation penis collector. Surely there's at least 2 people whom are at least one of the aforementioned things. I mean, thats 0.000000028% of the population. Yeah, Probably more than 2. Just like there's probably a bunch of people named "Harold Richard"

"What are you, blind? It's a cock! It's not a rocket, you sick fuck! It's a cock! Look. It's a cock and balls! A dick! Chorizo and the huevos! It's a big stiffy! It's a penis! Penis maximus! A willie! A weenie! Mr. Jiggle Daddy! The one-eyed wonder weasel! Don't you see that? It's Jimmy and the twins. Rumple Foreskin. He made this. It's made from dil-dough."
...Now that's good writing
The deliverer of said quote has been known to do drugs and star in quite awful movies. Obviously.

is it just me or would a whiffle ball made out of uncooked bacon be a fucking awesome idea? [Ed. It's just you.] Ass.

"What good are intestines if you can't have sex with them?"
Notice the quotes...

OMG, Batman! That is a SEXY coronary artery. Mind if I fuck it?
{Batman called the cops}

Fuck it, im moving to Lake Havasu.
67 degrees there today.
Yes, it's February.
Yes, we're not in the southern hemisphere.
Fuckin a.
Havasu.
At least they named it something cool.
Lake fucking Michigan, pfft.
Ok. I'm done.

Am I thankful for this post? Not Fucking Likely.

2010-02-02T14:02:00.010-06:00

Have I mentioned that with the iTampon/iMaxiPad whatever the fuck it's called...Steve Jobs is planning on buying god? He's gonna be so fucking surprised when he finds out his god is dead and noone cares.
He's a Buddhist, right?
Yep, another god kicked Buddha's ass. Buddha's dead.
Shit's going down up in the god-dimension.

I wanted to use the phrase "beef taint" in a sentence.
Pass me the beef taint, please....MMMMM that's some tasty beef taint!
done.
2x.
And beef taint may be the next big delicacy. that, or ground up chicken beaks.
Or maybe that's why hot dogs are awesome, ground chicken beaks, beef taint and lamb vagina.

fuck me with a copy of Windows 7. A digital copy.

Bucket List Addendum: tell non-scientists to fuck off and clone humans in a plant geneticist kind of way to make superior humans. Maybe them clones will be smart enough to not ruin the planet.

speaking of ramming sporks up orifices...why do musical artists even bother selling cds still? Why must they insist on making songs that are "filler"? Why must Beyonce not be fucking me at this exact moment?

I googled on the google "normal people". I wanted to know what the google thought they looked like.
I've concluded that the google thinks normal people are retarded, figuratively speaking.

I blame john turturo (the bowler named Jesus)...renuzit air fresheners (the vanilla bean kind)...and satchel injuries (ICD-9 code 608.86)

http://www.flashgames247.com/play/2431.html
is a quick one. Wanted to mix it up. Too reliant on boobie pictures for my links recently. [Ed. Boobie pictures are fine, writer(s). The reader(s) like boobs.] I know, just mixing it up, ass. [Ed. Fag.]

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...Leo: You will die today....or almost die...or not.

One thing I'm really glad about is that some people are still afraid of gay people. Just like yesteryears of racism, sexism, etc, it's fun to be on the right side of humanity to laugh at people too ignorant to not rely on stereotypes.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if perhaps as a recently evolved species, that we may have killed off a sentient civilization. Like little fucking cockroacherish bugs that knew how to fly and build little cockroacherish cities. Hell, we were dumb-as-fuck monkeys back then, we probably didn't even notice. This got me to think, what if there's an organism or animal on the planet now that will evolve to conquer Homo Sapiens, become sentient and be then new "human"/dominant species on the planet. if stagnant poo evolves into a poo creature, though, we are completely fucked. no one will want to fight off stinky poo monsters. [Ed. Dude, you were going so well there until you brought up the poo monster thing.] {hangs head in shame}

"We see Jovie singing in the shower at work. Buddy hears her singing, and not knowing any better, then goes into the women's locker room and sings along with her (she makes him leave once she realizes he's there)."
...Now that's good writing.
except for the lack of frontal nudity. [Ed. DUDE! IT'S A FAMILY MOVIE!]
Um, the song choice makes up for it I guess.

is it just me or does football suck cocks? Football got too complicated. It's been so far removed from "you run that way and I'll throw it to you". Now it's Offensive Coordinators and Defense Coordinators training their superhuman athletes to be in specific spots on the field at specific times to counteract what the other team is doing. Just play the fucking game dude. Even their all-star game sucks assholes. Sucks the poo right out of the colon.
Ok, I'm done.

"the shoes didn't fit but at least I got into Dad's pants...And I also had to have the crotch taken up a little."
Notice the quotes...
I love taking Arrested Development out of context.
So fun.

Holy non-suicidal thoughts on my hundreth day of not smoking cigarettes, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "The Justice League appreciates you quitting smoking, Boy Wonder."
{Robin blushes then runs to his room to cry, overwhelmed with modesty}
{end scene}

Fuck it, im moving to whereever the fuck the Oakland A's play baseball.
I'll live underground and eat peanut shells and leftover sunflower seeds.
Nevermind.
Fuck Oakland.

Moar head explodery plz kthxbai

2010-01-29T13:29:00.006-06:00

Have I mentioned that cocoa and coca are different plants? They are. Both are relatively awesome in their own different way, but I'd be the one muching on the one that tastes better.

I wanted to use the phrase "monkeys carrying m-16s" in a sentence.
done.
picture that shit, dude.

fuck me with dopplegangers of Hayden Christensen and Hayden Panettiere.

Bucket List Addendum: Start a political party. Encourage 55% of the population to vote for our candidates. Rule the fucking world.
In that order.

speaking of gratuitous chainsawwery...there should probably be less "networks" I mean, we got say 3 major tv networks, give or take 2. wgn has gotta go for 1. nbc can go fuck itself. fox can do one of those hostile takeovers with one of the others. I'm just thinking evening entertainment would suck less if there were less networks. I wouldn't be watching iCarly at 8pm if there was actually something worth a shit to watch on network tv. Not that I watch it when its on either cuz I fucking hate commericals. Commercials suck dicks. They can go fuck themselves in the ass as well, nonconsentually.

I googled stuff on the google,
but I got depressed and decided to close my browser and stick my head in an oven instead.

I blame Simon for saying "Simon says suck some dicks" that one time back in 1994.
Kidding. He said "Simon says suck a dick".
And it was 1997.
[Ed.
...
Dude. I'm speechless.
Wow.
I know you're joking but, geeez. Wow.
So gay
.
Wow.
]

http://www.iheartchaos.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/img_large/image041.jpg
most definitely nsfw. but worth it. Thanks passed along to the non-gay blue team fan who send that link to me.

btw, if they insist on putting fagass-retards on television, let them do something cooler like destroy electronics with various weaponry that also may result in self-pwnage.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I'm not paranoid about shit. I'd hate having paranoid psychophrenia too.
Wait.
I wouldn't know that I had it if I did have it, would I?
Fuck.
Ok. Call to my reader(s)...if I have paranoid psychophrenia, please tell me, then behead me and feed me to cartoon anthropomorphic mice.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if fucking a dead moose skull would be considered necrophilia and bestiality. I think we went over that one with the fossil sex thing. Nobody told me though. I still wonder about such things.

"your girl in the wheelchair--a perfect eample. The idea that she is somehow receiving yesterday's stock market prices apparently out of thin air is merely impossible, and therefor must be the case, because the idea that she is maintaining an immensely complex and laborious hoax of no benefit to herself is hopelessly improbable. The first idea merely supposes that there is something we don't know about, and god knows there are enough of those. The second, however runs contrary to something fundamental and human which we do know about. We should therefore be very suspicious of it and all its specious rationality."
...Now that's good writing

is it just me or do there need to be more "free beef" sales? Nothing sexual in that. I just like beef products.

"I was wetter than Drew Barrymore at a grunge club"
Notice the quotes...
What?
Maybe the dude got hit with a water balloon or something.

Holy Rat-bastard and dastardly derivatave highlanderish boldfaced liar... shit I forgot who I was gonna insult, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "Puff Puff, Pass, Boy Wonder?"
To which Robin replied: "Ass."

Fuck it, im moving to inside an acoustic guitar.
Sure, it would be loud as fuck, but it would be interesting at least.

fuck war and fuck peace

2010-01-21T13:21:00.013-06:00

Have I mentioned that "salma hayek" should be a slang term that's synonymous with awesomeness? Well not necessarily her acting, but her lady parts.
Yeah.

I wanted to use the phrase "yeah! drink my pee!" in a sentence.
done.
[Ed. Please, for our reader(s) sake, do not comment on that one.]
Okok. Fine.

fuck me with ashley judd atop a moving rollercoaster.
That came out wrong I think.
But that's an interesting idea, make a tandem seat roller coaster where there must be penis insertion in order for the ride to be relatively comfortable....and it keeps going until orgasms have been achieved by both individuals.
For the slower reader(s), I mean "cum" when I say "orgasm"

Bucket List Addendum: figure out what "boom boom pow" is and take a picture of it. Not with a disposable camera tho, those suck cocks.

speaking of batshit crazy retard politicians...With the non-really-a-trend thing happening with republicant daughters chowing box, I think it would be awesome if Meghan McCain & Jenna Bush totally fell in lez love with each other and got married in Vermont.
...and did a porn video.
...that leaked on the internet.
Yeah.

I googled on the google "booby trap". I was testing the google. I wanted to see if they returned inappropriate pictures for such a search if I turned safe search off. They didn't.
I was hoping for something different, obviously.
Yeah, something like a syringe poking out of epic cleavage or something.

I blame that ether binge back in 2001...Johnny Depp...and The Shawshank Redemption.
In that order.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DamJqq0tNU
I may have posted this already. shit. i dont remember. [Ed. Puff Puff Pass?]

btw, is there really people who retain different virgin statuses? Like, have an intact cherry but are no longer an ass virgin? Or maybe they're virgins in both panty covered holes but suck tons of cocks...and consider themselves to no longer be mouth virgins? These questions hurt my brains.

One thing I'm really glad about is that the blackhawks are good again. My loyalties lie with the Cum Socks and the Indian-insensitive feathered ones. Through thick and thin. It doesn't mean I wont lose interest in non-entertaining sports attempts (ie. the football team in town which is barely worth watching), I demand wins. Many wins. Championship wins.
Shall I reference the year 1908 at all? [Ed. You just did, retard.] Ass.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if water can become sentient. That way, you can hurt rain by boiling it or something. I'd like to get a bucket of rain and rape it. But mostly, it would be nice to take out my snow anger on sentient snow. Fry all those fucking pieces of snow with a flamethrower. Or a space heater...that would be like torture to a water molecule. fuck water rights, they're lesser beings and deserve to die for fucking up my day.

Two badly drawn canadian cartoon characters singing a song about fucking uncles interspersed with a fart-noise tune music solo
...Now that's good writing

speaking of poorly named sports franchises...is it just me or should they officially change the name of the Boston Red Sox to the Boston Period Blood Sox? I'm offended by the word "red". It implies that other colors that may or may not be my favorite color are lesser colors than "red".

"it's my belief that my big balls should be held every night"
Notice the quotes...
indeed. I didn't say it...but that doesn't mean I don't agree with it.
[Ed. You want to hold balls, fag.]
No! I want my balls held!
[Ed. Orite. My bad. {whispers} fag]

Holy skull-fucking zooey deschanel video, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "Um, is Ms. Deschanel performing said skull-fucking or having said skull-fucking performed upon her, Boy Wonder?"
To which Robin replied: "Just come and see!"
Batman entered Robin's bedroom, took a long look at the television (which happened to be playing the video in HD), turned towards Robin, noticed Robin was { censored } himself with his pants down... then left the room.
Robin called out to him as he left the room "Don't worry, it doesn't cause brain damage, the eye hole is actually pretty deep"
To which Batman just shook is head in disgust.
{end scene}

Fuck it, im moving to 1909.
You know, back when that blue team was just starting to suck ass.
Mostly because the money I have now would make me like a uber millionairre, relatively speaking.
Then I can be the one to invent all kinds of shit that exists now, and completely fuck up the space/time continuum.
Okok, maybe 1910 instead.

One sweet dream came true, today

2010-01-15T13:15:00.016-06:00

Have I mentioned that its awesome to get raped in the face by oreo cookies? The crumbs in the moustache are spectacular.

I wanted to use the phrase "rebellious sluttiness" in a sentence.
done.
That's the politically kinda-incorrect term to describe early 20-somethings who were raised catholic.

fuck me with a fuck-billed platypus.
That could be a typo. Maybe it is, maybe not.

Bucket List Addendum: make a naked singularity.Use physics. Get rich. Die. Not necessarily in that order.

speaking of renouncing god...what if renouncing god gets you rayped? Well, not BY god, but by someone god removes free will from for a few days to track you down and rayp you. So kinda like by god, only less god-dy.

I googled on the google "yoga sex". put it in quotes. Maybe in my next life I can do something like that....I guess just google Malin Akeman on the google if you're conservative.

I blame necromancers and malignant carcinoma

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sfrUGmQsQDo
make a movie, mr. howard.
i wonder if it's portia or ellen who wears the strap-on.
maybe they switch.

btw, the words 'fun' and 'failure' start out the same way.
in other words, take a hint. never have fun.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I never spooned a spoon. That'd be either a really big spoon and/or not worth the trouble.
Plus, I hate the taste of plastic in my mouth in the morning.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if a tagline like this would get me shot "you all don't know shit about politics anyway, why not vote for John". If the local murder-suicide was any indication, people in my town are armed and capable of murder. Maybe I should wait until my life insurance kicks in just in case.

" I pee sitting down.
You pee sitting down?
Yeah! Have you ever tried it?
No!
It's more comfortable. When you get up during the night you don't have to turn on the light and wake up, and you get to read.
What are you reading?
I'm reading a lot of stuff.
What stuff?
If I peed twenty times during a day I can get through a whole New York Times for god's sake!
Twenty times?
Yeah! Hey buddy, when you're peeing all over your shoe, I'm learnin' somethin'!
What makes you think I'm peeing all over my shoe while you're learnin' somethin'? "
...Now that's good writing

is it just me or is John Travola a better actress when he's in drag?
See what i did there. actress/actor for the drag thing. [Ed. You're such a fag.] Ass.

"before we were entering women for ourselves, but now, we'll be entering women for our DAD"
Notice the quotes...

Holy self-raping Iranian dissidents, Batman! [Ed. HERE WE GO AGAIN...with that self-raping crap. You're fired. ]

She came in through the bathroom window

2010-01-08T13:08:00.010-06:00

Have I mentioned that there is nothing wrong with a nice thick juicy ass? Even when said asses have clothing with letters spelling "juicy" but "holier than thou"-petty people look at said asses in disgust. Muffin tops need to go tho.

I wanted to use the name "Cassandra Calogera" in a sentence.
done.
She's got Italian & Polish in her...but not from me, fortunately. [Ed. Fortunately?] Yeah, I'd ruin her life with my rock n roll lifestyle. [Ed. Right, except that I'd call it your geek n lame lifestyle.] Ass.

half soft fruffy snow/half minor muscle soreness due to shoveling frozen water precipitation.
...and a forecast of 67 degrees and sunny in Tucson.
Hint Hint

Bucket List Addendum: transform into an oxygen molecule.
That is all.
What?
Who needs sentience? All we did was ruin this planet.
[Ed. "Finally, robotic beings rule the world." Notice the quotes?]
Don't steal my thunder, ass.

speaking of gigantic phalluses...It would be cool to have a 41 foot cock for a day. Limp. And I don't mean a male chicken. I mean a cock. It would be fucking impossible to walk with a cock longer than you are tall...not to mention the fact that it would take over 150 female mouths to give a proper oral intercourse action...actually, probably more if it's 41 feet limp.

I googled on the google "tainted taint". Sure, there was an urban dictionary article on it, and a cleverly named website called ticklethetaint...but otherwise, nothing interesting.
I was hoping for something different, obviously.
Maybe some tattoo'd taints or something. Maybe I'll google "tattoo taint" instead...

I blame war...and democraps...and snopes.com.
We need a 3rd party, seriously.
...but not a Vampire, Witches & Pagans Party.
...and yes such a party exists and has at least 1 political candidate.
...he sucks.

http://www.lyricsondemand.com/soundtracks/w/walkhardthedeweycoxstorylyrics/letsduetlyrics.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UP5YFr4SkCQ
yeah, thats right Jenna Fischer lip syncs

btw, famine is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. apocalypse is a cool word, so, it must be coming soon.
in other words, watch out for famines.

One thing I'm really glad about is that people wear pants. I'd rather not see hairy butts and brown starfishes multiple times a day. The front parts all exposed would be interesting tho.
Nevermind.
I don't wanna see old front parts. That'd be gross.
...not to mention people with poo splatter and/or taint wiping issues.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is the percentage of people who have sex to different kinds of music. I wonder what the most popular love making music. I'm pretty sure it's not Barry Gibb or Nine Inch Nails.

"They all fight, and Walter bites off Uli's ear and spits it into the air. The other nihilists are defeated with a bowling ball and a radio."
...Now that's good writing.
Bowling ball injuries are cool.
...and yes I was aware that one of the pet peeve actors was in this movie...but I watched it anyways. He still sucks cocks.

is it just me or are barometric isobars fucking cool? [Ed. I'll speak for your reader(s) and say, 'It's just you.']
fuck.
is it just me or would it cool to be immune to poisons? [Ed. Computers are immune to orally ingestible poisons.]
I knew that. Ass.
It would just be cool to make & eat some arsenic pancakes then walk into a room full of rattlesnakes for a reality TV show that'll pay ya half a billion dollars to do fucked up shit.
Sheeple will watch anything.

"stick that fucking flag up your goddamn ass, you skinhead creep"
Notice the quotes...
...and it's an interesting song title, methinks.

Holy new decade but kinda-not-really a new decade, Batman!
Don't argue with me that the decade starts in 2011 because there was no year 0.
I will not hesitate to drop a 7 inch solid object from my colon into your mouth.

Fuck it, im moving to between Beyonce's husky legs.
You may say they're not husky.
They're husky enough.
Yeah.

The review of the year 2009 for the first decennary movie blog

2009-12-31T23:59:00.002-06:00

Movies from this year: 27

Ok, since I haven't seen any of the Golden Globe nominees, and The Oscar nominees aren't released for another 2 months...Fuck me.

This year blows. Seriously. I'm just gonna caution you away from two movies that I wont even hyperlink to.
Ace Ventura Pet Detective, Jr
Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus
Don't watch those movies. ever. If you don't heed my warning, I'm giving myself permission to jizz in your earhole.

Anyways. Thanks for reading...and in a few moments, Happy 2010.

The review of the year 2008 for the first decennary movie blog

2009-12-31T23:58:00.001-06:00

Movies from this year: 70

Best Picture Nominees seen: 0
Johnny.Random.DeclareBestPictureWin(2008, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button);
Simply because it's the only movie out of the 5 that I actually want to see. Fuck me.

One particular movie worth mentioning is The Dark Knight. Don't go run out and see it or anything, there's just something I'd like to say. I really didn't want to watch this movie. I was expecting it to suck, mostly because of the constant media fellatioing Heath Ledger's dead cock. You must agree that I dislike critics. Another thing I dislike (but not quite pet peeve) is the critics fellatio upon dead male celebrity cock. So, I went into the movie with low expectations. It exceeded them. Just so we're clear on that.

You may have missed:
Tropic Thunder. I wanted to put this one as the choice comedy. I almost did. There's more to this movie than just the laughs though. Allstar cast again. Yippee. Robert Downey Jr. Zoinks. It's such a neat and clever movie. Bunch of actors filming a movie becoming a movie. Self-parody works. Ben Stiller acknowledging in a way that he's a shitty actor...that makes me smile...and "you never go full retard"

Choice Comedy:
I almost picked Pineapple Express. Almost. At least I mentioned it.
Hamlet 2. positively is better though. Darker, sure. This kind of comedy isn't for everybody. It's for me. And my brother. And suburban white males with an IQ above room temperature. If you don't think this movie is funny, I will rape you in the face.

Do it for the Kids:
Wall-E. This is the final straw. I want to fuck pixar in its personified mouth. It basically took idiocracy and turned it sideways...so that kids can watch it. Hopefully, the kids watching Wall-E end up smarter than their Soccer Mom and Nascar Dad when they get older...just because of this movie.

Don't Watch This Movie. Ever:
Witless Protection You're probably asking yourself. 'Why?' as in 'Why would he watch that movie in the first place?' I don't know. It was at the library. It's free to rent movies from the library. There ya go. I had low expectations for this movie...and it still didn't meet them.

The review of the year 2007 for the first decennary movie blog

2009-12-31T23:57:00.001-06:00

Movies from this year: 87

Best Picture Nominees seen: 2
Johnny.Random.DeclareBestPictureWin(2007, Juno);
Juno was a clever movie. The other one I saw was awful. One of the other nominees, I avoided on purpose, even though I rented it. Juno, though, was clever, at least. Teen pregnancy. ooh. Michael Cera somehow got cast in the same role he's played in every single thing he's been in throughout his entire life. But, that's ok. It was a good movie and deserved the praise it got.

You may have missed:
Across the Universe. This was a powerful movie. Entertaining to the max, yet artistic. The unique thing about it is its use of Beatles music to drive the story. Yes. They sing. The important thing to note is that they fit the songs in to the story and not visa versa. They don't toss in random beatles songs at inopportune times. The kicker is that when songs like 'Dear Prudence', 'Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite','Revolution' and 'While My Guitar Gently Weeps' are performed, they're performed so that the lyrics are spoken (sung) in seemingly the same context as they were intended when they were written. Crazy cameos, crazy visuals, great singing and acting...and the lead singer of U2 is in it (but somehow he doesn't fuck everything up).

Choice Comedy:
The Simpsons Movie. In terms of laugh quantity, this one won. barely. I especially love the self-parody-ing and the fact that they didn't ruin something from my childhood. It's refreshing to see 90 minutes of funny work so well, when ur just accostomend to 22 minutes + commercials when you see it on tv.

Do it for the Kids:
Alvin and the Chipmunks. This one is kinda the same thing. Didn't ruin my childhood memories (you listening Michael Bay, you douche?). The clincher is that the kids enjoying the same chipmunk humor and back talk that I did in a child. Living vicariously through children is awesome, so is reliving urs through the,.

Don't Watch This Movie. Ever:
Okok, I have to admit, I led this category a few blogs ago with the whole Katie Holmes thing. Don't watch a movie based on the impending boobage or full frontal nudity.
Teeth was one of many bad movies in 2007. Plot, teen bites off penises with her vag. I was immediately interested. Curious would be the better word. Biting vag, you say? It. was. awful. Like, yeah. Don't watch this movie. ever. Repeat the repeat, don't ever watch this movie EVER.

The review of the year 2006 for the first decennary movie blog

2009-12-31T23:56:00.001-06:00

Movies from this year: 76

Best Picture Nominees seen: 3
Johnny.Random.DeclareBestPictureWin(2006, The Departed);
I agree, academy! This movie was fucking amazing. I had to watch it twice. It's just so rare that I agree with the film critic community. They were right on this one. Whether they finally decided to get on their knees and suck Martin Scorsese's cack by finally giving him an Oscar is irrelevant to the fact that this movie makes people have faith in American filmmaking. I gave this one a 10/10. It was that good. I can't spoil good movies, so just put it in your blockbuster queue and finally watch it.

You may have missed:
Of all the big named movies in 2006, I doubt you've seen Pan's Labrynth. Usually, subtitles suck. Foreign films suck. Not the case with this movie, as the story is told more by the incredible visuals. Dialogue aside, this movie has some of the most visually complex and layered artistry, that it makes Neverending Story look like a Terrence & Phillip cartoon. I can't stand subtitles, but this movie would almost work without dialogue at all. It's that great.

Choice Comedy:
Idiocracy. Yeah, I know, another Comedy Central staple. But the quotables from this movie like 'Ow my balls' or 'It's got electrolytes' make you WANT to watch this one over and over again. Not to mention that the premise is that mankind is getting stupider and points the finger squarely at middle america for this one. Tongue-in-cheek. I love it.

Do it for the Kids:
High School Musical. Not kidding. As much as I hate myself for saying it, this movie wasn't terrible. The kids go fucking apeshit for this movie. We're talking hair-pulling, tossing poo kind of apeshit. Never diregard the power of the Disney marketing juggernaut. It gets in these kids' heads and doesn't let go until they beg and plead and suck their parents cash teat. Other than the obvious blashphemy against all things well and good, let the kids watch this movie. It wont hurt. They'll try and sing if they watch it enough...and you'll know fairly soon if your kid will be good enough to pawn off to disney to be the next big marginally talented singer for the disney machine.

Don't Watch This Movie. Ever:
Last Holiday. I would give this movie a 0/10 rating if I could. It's worse than nearly every single bad movie that I've mentioned so far. If you actually want to see something about the same caliber of entertainment and value, buy me a bottle of rum, force me to drink it, then film me puking for the remainder of the week. Same difference. I feel dumber just for mentioning this movie at all.

The review of the year 2005 for the first decennary movie blog

2009-12-31T23:55:00.001-06:00

Movies from this year: 49

Best Picture Nominees seen: 1
Johnny.Random.DeclareBestPictureWin(2005, Crash);
I hate that Crash wins by default. It was so predictable. I already discussed that. Since I did...I get to bring up #4 on my pet peeve list, which just so happens to coincide with another of the nomineez for Best Picture this particular year.
Pet Peeve #4 Phillip Seymour Hoffman sucks cocks. I have no idea why people say he's a good actor. The roles that I've seen him...he plays a pompous ass. badly. How can you fuck up being a pompous ass when you're a pompous ass in real life?! I now am avoiding movies by this particular overacting pompous ass, so at least now the reader(s) know why.

This was another tough year for the picks. Even though the first 2 movies I'll list below were among my 10/10 ratings, it was difficult to not but a different one in the spots. Again, I prefer if disagreements are shared either electronically or verbally...and not physically.

You may have missed:
V for Vendetta. This is the singular movie where I consciously identified the difference between entertainment and art...and proclaimed "This does both!". This movie blew my mind on so many levels. Natalie Portman endeared herself among my personal favorites for this particular role. This movie has elements of Thriller, Action, Adventure, Drama, Political Farce. Science Fiction, entertainment and art. While this movie is dark, comedy bits such as the Jackety Sax bit on the talk show lighten the mood at points. The underlying theme that change is the result of action could only be portrayed by film, doing so in the graphic novel in which it was based just can't happen.

Choice Comedy:
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. I avoided this movie cuz of the phrase "Val Kilmer is gay". In the movie. Val Kilmer is gay. Generally, the gays aren't that entertaining to me. He was in this movie. I just happen to have a heterosexual man-crush on Robert Downey, Jr too. The whirlwind I just described shouldn't equal success. It does. The movie itself is somewhat of a film-noir crime drima parody. Somewhat. It still has elements of an actual film-noir movie...it's just not boring...and it's friggin hilarious.

Do it for the Kids:
The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy.
Sure, I wouldn't let your 3 year old daughter watch this one. It takes one of the funniest sci-fi books and makes it visually bonerworthy. I have a heterosexual regular-crush on Zooey Deschanel so that helps too. Kids like this movie. I love this movie. Rent it and enjoy.

Don't Watch This Movie. Ever:
King Kong
very rarely comes along a movie that I don't finish because it sucks so bad. This was one of em. The dinosaurs running with shakey camera...that did it for me. Click. No more chance to see King Kong demolishing shit or Jack Black occasionally saying something funny. Click. Off. Fuck this movie.

The review of the year 2004 for the first decennary movie blog

2009-12-31T23:54:00.001-06:00

Movies from this year: 59

Best Picture Nominees seen: 3
Johnny.Random.DeclareBestPictureWin(2004, Million Dollar Baby);
This was the standout of the year. I can't get into it because I refuse to spoil the story of good movies. Lets just say a lot of the movie wasn't very happy. Along the same lines as an episode of 'the office', is Hilary Swank hot? I don't particularly think so, but she's an incredible actress. Some actresses need 4 years and 8 movies to show their range and prevent getting typecast. She showed amazing range in just this one movie. But I still wouldn't fuck her.

There were a hellalot good movies this year, so don't tear my butthole out cuz I picked the ones below and not your favorite. Opinions are like penises, most guys have em.

You may have missed:
Primer. Let me clear something up. If you're dumb, skip this movie. Seriously. If you have any kind of mathematical or physics knowledge whatsoever and a quest for smart entertainment, watch this movie. The plot revolves around the accidental discovery of something mindblowing that would make a theoretical quantum physicist cum directly into his boxer-briefs. Where it goes from there is a solid piece of cinematic awesomeness.

Choice Comedy:
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. The replay value of this movie put it to the top. I still quote from it and still wish I was even as cool as Steve Carell's character, at least. It's terribly misognistic or however you spell that word. From 'Sex Panther' to Jack Black punting a dog off a bridge, this movie was funny enough to make me forget my ills, for at least a little while.

Do it for the Kids:
The Incredibles again. Pixar > Dreamworks. During an episode of 'My Name is Earl', the kids recognized Jason Lee's voice as the villian from this movie. That's how well this movie works. This movie is a little more adult than previous pixar flicks, but it doesn't cross any lines, nor does it feature any cartoon nudity...if you thought thats where I was going there.

Don't Watch This Movie. Ever:
...unless your daughter wants to be a cheerleader:
Bring it on Again.
Straight to video. That should speak for itself. It wasn't a terrible movie. Just, um, bad. [Ed. Well put.] Thanks. [Ed. I was being sarcastic.] Ass.