Johnny.Random

The review of the year 2009 for the first decennary movie blog

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny.Random) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 05:59:00 +0000

Movies from this year: 27

Ok, since I haven't seen any of the Golden Globe nominees, and The Oscar nominees aren't released for another 2 months...Fuck me.

This year blows. Seriously. I'm just gonna caution you away from two movies that I wont even hyperlink to.
Ace Ventura Pet Detective, Jr
Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus
Don't watch those movies. ever. If you don't heed my warning, I'm giving myself permission to jizz in your earhole.

Anyways. Thanks for reading...and in a few moments, Happy 2010.

The review of the year 2008 for the first decennary movie blog

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny.Random) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 05:58:00 +0000

Movies from this year: 70

Best Picture Nominees seen: 0
Johnny.Random.DeclareBestPictureWin(2008, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button);
Simply because it's the only movie out of the 5 that I actually want to see. Fuck me.

One particular movie worth mentioning is The Dark Knight. Don't go run out and see it or anything, there's just something I'd like to say. I really didn't want to watch this movie. I was expecting it to suck, mostly because of the constant media fellatioing Heath Ledger's dead cock. You must agree that I dislike critics. Another thing I dislike (but not quite pet peeve) is the critics fellatio upon dead male celebrity cock. So, I went into the movie with low expectations. It exceeded them. Just so we're clear on that.

You may have missed:
Tropic Thunder. I wanted to put this one as the choice comedy. I almost did. There's more to this movie than just the laughs though. Allstar cast again. Yippee. Robert Downey Jr. Zoinks. It's such a neat and clever movie. Bunch of actors filming a movie becoming a movie. Self-parody works. Ben Stiller acknowledging in a way that he's a shitty actor...that makes me smile...and "you never go full retard"

Choice Comedy:
I almost picked Pineapple Express. Almost. At least I mentioned it.
Hamlet 2. positively is better though. Darker, sure. This kind of comedy isn't for everybody. It's for me. And my brother. And suburban white males with an IQ above room temperature. If you don't think this movie is funny, I will rape you in the face.

Do it for the Kids:
Wall-E. This is the final straw. I want to fuck pixar in its personified mouth. It basically took idiocracy and turned it sideways...so that kids can watch it. Hopefully, the kids watching Wall-E end up smarter than their Soccer Mom and Nascar Dad when they get older...just because of this movie.

Don't Watch This Movie. Ever:
Witless Protection You're probably asking yourself. 'Why?' as in 'Why would he watch that movie in the first place?' I don't know. It was at the library. It's free to rent movies from the library. There ya go. I had low expectations for this movie...and it still didn't meet them.

The review of the year 2007 for the first decennary movie blog

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny.Random) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 05:57:00 +0000

Movies from this year: 87

Best Picture Nominees seen: 2
Johnny.Random.DeclareBestPictureWin(2007, Juno);
Juno was a clever movie. The other one I saw was awful. One of the other nominees, I avoided on purpose, even though I rented it. Juno, though, was clever, at least. Teen pregnancy. ooh. Michael Cera somehow got cast in the same role he's played in every single thing he's been in throughout his entire life. But, that's ok. It was a good movie and deserved the praise it got.

You may have missed:
Across the Universe. This was a powerful movie. Entertaining to the max, yet artistic. The unique thing about it is its use of Beatles music to drive the story. Yes. They sing. The important thing to note is that they fit the songs in to the story and not visa versa. They don't toss in random beatles songs at inopportune times. The kicker is that when songs like 'Dear Prudence', 'Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite','Revolution' and 'While My Guitar Gently Weeps' are performed, they're performed so that the lyrics are spoken (sung) in seemingly the same context as they were intended when they were written. Crazy cameos, crazy visuals, great singing and acting...and the lead singer of U2 is in it (but somehow he doesn't fuck everything up).

Choice Comedy:
The Simpsons Movie. In terms of laugh quantity, this one won. barely. I especially love the self-parody-ing and the fact that they didn't ruin something from my childhood. It's refreshing to see 90 minutes of funny work so well, when ur just accostomend to 22 minutes + commercials when you see it on tv.

Do it for the Kids:
Alvin and the Chipmunks. This one is kinda the same thing. Didn't ruin my childhood memories (you listening Michael Bay, you douche?). The clincher is that the kids enjoying the same chipmunk humor and back talk that I did in a child. Living vicariously through children is awesome, so is reliving urs through the,.

Don't Watch This Movie. Ever:
Okok, I have to admit, I led this category a few blogs ago with the whole Katie Holmes thing. Don't watch a movie based on the impending boobage or full frontal nudity.
Teeth was one of many bad movies in 2007. Plot, teen bites off penises with her vag. I was immediately interested. Curious would be the better word. Biting vag, you say? It. was. awful. Like, yeah. Don't watch this movie. ever. Repeat the repeat, don't ever watch this movie EVER.

The review of the year 2006 for the first decennary movie blog

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny.Random) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 05:56:00 +0000

Movies from this year: 76

Best Picture Nominees seen: 3
Johnny.Random.DeclareBestPictureWin(2006, The Departed);
I agree, academy! This movie was fucking amazing. I had to watch it twice. It's just so rare that I agree with the film critic community. They were right on this one. Whether they finally decided to get on their knees and suck Martin Scorsese's cack by finally giving him an Oscar is irrelevant to the fact that this movie makes people have faith in American filmmaking. I gave this one a 10/10. It was that good. I can't spoil good movies, so just put it in your blockbuster queue and finally watch it.

You may have missed:
Of all the big named movies in 2006, I doubt you've seen Pan's Labrynth. Usually, subtitles suck. Foreign films suck. Not the case with this movie, as the story is told more by the incredible visuals. Dialogue aside, this movie has some of the most visually complex and layered artistry, that it makes Neverending Story look like a Terrence & Phillip cartoon. I can't stand subtitles, but this movie would almost work without dialogue at all. It's that great.

Choice Comedy:
Idiocracy. Yeah, I know, another Comedy Central staple. But the quotables from this movie like 'Ow my balls' or 'It's got electrolytes' make you WANT to watch this one over and over again. Not to mention that the premise is that mankind is getting stupider and points the finger squarely at middle america for this one. Tongue-in-cheek. I love it.

Do it for the Kids:
High School Musical. Not kidding. As much as I hate myself for saying it, this movie wasn't terrible. The kids go fucking apeshit for this movie. We're talking hair-pulling, tossing poo kind of apeshit. Never diregard the power of the Disney marketing juggernaut. It gets in these kids' heads and doesn't let go until they beg and plead and suck their parents cash teat. Other than the obvious blashphemy against all things well and good, let the kids watch this movie. It wont hurt. They'll try and sing if they watch it enough...and you'll know fairly soon if your kid will be good enough to pawn off to disney to be the next big marginally talented singer for the disney machine.

Don't Watch This Movie. Ever:
Last Holiday. I would give this movie a 0/10 rating if I could. It's worse than nearly every single bad movie that I've mentioned so far. If you actually want to see something about the same caliber of entertainment and value, buy me a bottle of rum, force me to drink it, then film me puking for the remainder of the week. Same difference. I feel dumber just for mentioning this movie at all.

The review of the year 2005 for the first decennary movie blog

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny.Random) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 05:55:00 +0000

Movies from this year: 49

Best Picture Nominees seen: 1
Johnny.Random.DeclareBestPictureWin(2005, Crash);
I hate that Crash wins by default. It was so predictable. I already discussed that. Since I did...I get to bring up #4 on my pet peeve list, which just so happens to coincide with another of the nomineez for Best Picture this particular year.
Pet Peeve #4 Phillip Seymour Hoffman sucks cocks. I have no idea why people say he's a good actor. The roles that I've seen him...he plays a pompous ass. badly. How can you fuck up being a pompous ass when you're a pompous ass in real life?! I now am avoiding movies by this particular overacting pompous ass, so at least now the reader(s) know why.

This was another tough year for the picks. Even though the first 2 movies I'll list below were among my 10/10 ratings, it was difficult to not but a different one in the spots. Again, I prefer if disagreements are shared either electronically or verbally...and not physically.

You may have missed:
V for Vendetta. This is the singular movie where I consciously identified the difference between entertainment and art...and proclaimed "This does both!". This movie blew my mind on so many levels. Natalie Portman endeared herself among my personal favorites for this particular role. This movie has elements of Thriller, Action, Adventure, Drama, Political Farce. Science Fiction, entertainment and art. While this movie is dark, comedy bits such as the Jackety Sax bit on the talk show lighten the mood at points. The underlying theme that change is the result of action could only be portrayed by film, doing so in the graphic novel in which it was based just can't happen.

Choice Comedy:
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. I avoided this movie cuz of the phrase "Val Kilmer is gay". In the movie. Val Kilmer is gay. Generally, the gays aren't that entertaining to me. He was in this movie. I just happen to have a heterosexual man-crush on Robert Downey, Jr too. The whirlwind I just described shouldn't equal success. It does. The movie itself is somewhat of a film-noir crime drima parody. Somewhat. It still has elements of an actual film-noir movie...it's just not boring...and it's friggin hilarious.

Do it for the Kids:
The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy.
Sure, I wouldn't let your 3 year old daughter watch this one. It takes one of the funniest sci-fi books and makes it visually bonerworthy. I have a heterosexual regular-crush on Zooey Deschanel so that helps too. Kids like this movie. I love this movie. Rent it and enjoy.

Don't Watch This Movie. Ever:
King Kong
very rarely comes along a movie that I don't finish because it sucks so bad. This was one of em. The dinosaurs running with shakey camera...that did it for me. Click. No more chance to see King Kong demolishing shit or Jack Black occasionally saying something funny. Click. Off. Fuck this movie.

The review of the year 2004 for the first decennary movie blog

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny.Random) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 05:54:00 +0000

Movies from this year: 59

Best Picture Nominees seen: 3
Johnny.Random.DeclareBestPictureWin(2004, Million Dollar Baby);
This was the standout of the year. I can't get into it because I refuse to spoil the story of good movies. Lets just say a lot of the movie wasn't very happy. Along the same lines as an episode of 'the office', is Hilary Swank hot? I don't particularly think so, but she's an incredible actress. Some actresses need 4 years and 8 movies to show their range and prevent getting typecast. She showed amazing range in just this one movie. But I still wouldn't fuck her.

There were a hellalot good movies this year, so don't tear my butthole out cuz I picked the ones below and not your favorite. Opinions are like penises, most guys have em.

You may have missed:
Primer. Let me clear something up. If you're dumb, skip this movie. Seriously. If you have any kind of mathematical or physics knowledge whatsoever and a quest for smart entertainment, watch this movie. The plot revolves around the accidental discovery of something mindblowing that would make a theoretical quantum physicist cum directly into his boxer-briefs. Where it goes from there is a solid piece of cinematic awesomeness.

Choice Comedy:
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy. The replay value of this movie put it to the top. I still quote from it and still wish I was even as cool as Steve Carell's character, at least. It's terribly misognistic or however you spell that word. From 'Sex Panther' to Jack Black punting a dog off a bridge, this movie was funny enough to make me forget my ills, for at least a little while.

Do it for the Kids:
The Incredibles again. Pixar > Dreamworks. During an episode of 'My Name is Earl', the kids recognized Jason Lee's voice as the villian from this movie. That's how well this movie works. This movie is a little more adult than previous pixar flicks, but it doesn't cross any lines, nor does it feature any cartoon nudity...if you thought thats where I was going there.

Don't Watch This Movie. Ever:
...unless your daughter wants to be a cheerleader:
Bring it on Again.
Straight to video. That should speak for itself. It wasn't a terrible movie. Just, um, bad. [Ed. Well put.] Thanks. [Ed. I was being sarcastic.] Ass.

The review of the year 2003 for the first decennary movie blog

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny.Random) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 05:53:00 +0000

Movies from this year: 54

Best Picture Nominees seen: 2
Johnny.Random.DeclareBestPictureWin(2003, Mystic River);
Well I know its pretty easy to go eeny meenie miney moe between the 2 movies that I saw that happened to be nominated. Mystic River was among the best I saw for the whole decade, let alone this calendar year. You may have noticed a pattern developing with these critices, allstar cast scores points. Mystic River is no exception. I hadn't really seen Sean Penn in a role quite like his in this movie. He is an incredible actor. He becomes the role he plays. Scary. It's not just him in this movie though. It's a great story. It's worth it to finally see this one if you haven't. Really.

You may have missed:
I would totally go into why Open Water is an awsome movie...but I understand that it's an abrasive idea for a film, so I'll skip it...even though it's awesome...and go with...
Identity. I love getting fucked in my mind. That seems to be a recurring theme as well. I wouldn't say this is quite an all-star cast...but it's close. The thrills that make this movie so solid keep coming. And it fucks the mind up with some seriously deep introspection as to how our minds really work. No, it doesn't get into science really...it just makes you think.

Choice Comedy:
Bruce Almighty. I know, I know, it's not Jim Carrey's best work. It works though. The premise is simple. Dude gets godlike powers. Funny shit happens. Typically, I'm not a fan of simple character vehicles ala ex-SNL actors...but this one has got a black god...and Jim Carrey...what more could you ask for? Orite, Jim Carrey engorging Jennifer Aniston's rack with his godpowers.

Do it for the Kids:
Finding Nemo. All aspects of this movie are done well. For a cartoon, I mean. It's so damn wholesome, colorful and fun. It's hard to not like this movie, no matter what ur age.

Don't Watch This Movie. Ever:
There were a lot of BAD movies this year. None as bad as The Core. It's got the bad of bad. Awful CGI, Awful acting and a disjointed story that really didn't make any logical sense.
One sidenote...It certainly wasn't the worst movie of the year, but Pieces of April was bad. I watched the movie for one reason. Katie Holmes nudity. Please take note, reader(s), if the precursor to you watching a movie is a starlet being nude...it's not gonna be a good movie, and more than likely, the nudity is not gonna even be worth the price of a movie rental.

The review of the year 2002 for the first decennary movie blog

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny.Random) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 05:52:00 +0000

Movies from this year: 67

Best Picture Nominees seen: 3
Johnny.Random.DeclareBestPictureWin(2002, Chicago);
This is a two-fer as to why I actually agreed with the Academy on this one. One, the other movies that I saw that were nominated weren't as good...and it wasn't a total piece of crap. Even by broadway musical standards, the signing numbers were over the top. Well, maybe I'm the one being over-dramatic on that one. Really, though, it wasn't bad. It opened me up to the genre I suppose. It is rather cool to see something written for the stage be performed without the restrictions that are just naturally theatre.

You may have missed:
Interstate 60: Episodes from the Road There were plenty of good movies this year. I went for the one that pretty much noone got a chance to see. This was a real clever movie. Very well written and easy to follow. It did a little alternate reality mumbo jumbo that I liked. As far as I know, this is still an instant view on Netflix. If you want to see an all-star cast in a real neat tongue-in-cheek movie, I heartily recommend it.

Choice Comedy:
Speaking of all-star casts, Big Trouble is a can't miss movie from 2002. I caught this one on Comedy Central a while back and was hooked instantly. Because of the nature of Comedy Central programming, they replayed it a half-dozen times that following week. I watched most of em. I liked it so much, I asked for the book it was based on for a gift. Good funny movie with a great cast and a great story.

Do it for the Kids:
Speaking of all-star casts, Big Fat Liar was a great one too. Written more for a younger audience, it's hard for anyone to not laugh at an all-blue dyed Paul Giamatti. This movie is a winner for all audiences because there happens to be funny found aplenty.

Don't Watch This Movie. Ever:
Kung Pow: Enter the Fist. I know this is a cult hit. Somehow. I watched it twice. It was bad both times. 1/10 rating bad. It tries too hard because its not that good. It doesn't deserve to be watched. If it were toilet paper, I still wouldn't use it. Point in fact, this movie is not even good enough for me to poop on.

The review of the year 2001 for the first decennary movie blog

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny.Random) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 05:51:00 +0000

Movies from this year: 68

Best Picture Nominees seen: 3
Johnny.Random.DeclareBestPictureWin(2001, The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring);
I revert to number #2 on the pet peeve list as to why I refuse to even acknowledge the movie that won Best Picture this particular year. Now, I wouldn't exactly recommend the lord of the rings to be watched. It's long. [Ed. That's what she said] I avoided it for a long while just for the fact that I tend to avoid hyped movies just when I watch them I'm generally underwhelmed. This being the only LOTR movie that I've seen, it wasn't bad. It had some real cool visual effects. And midgets/elves/hobbits whatever you call them. Short people rock.

You may have missed:
Donnie Darko. Those who have seen it know why I recommend it. You see, The Matrix did more to the sci-fi genre than just the infusion of industrial music and snazzy bullet-time cameras.. It made movies like this possible. Where reality can be questioned and science, even wacky-premises, can be portrayed, The Matrix opened that door. I'll pass on the pseudo-gay Jake Gyllenhaal of the Brokeback ilk and settle very confortably on the psychotic teenager one. The writing is what glues this all together. Very easily could this movie be far too confusing for the pot-smoker crowd. It flows. Watch it.

Choice Comedy:
Super Troopers. Hijinks. Check. Plethora of Quotables. Check. Rewatchability. Check. Making fun of cops. Check. Sex with and/or without animals. Check.
"Meow"

Do it for the Kids:
Monsters, Inc. I prefer Pixar to Dreamworks. That's the bottom line. This Pixar movie, even with John Goodman instead of Mike Myers tops this year's list. It's Billy Crystal's character that makes the adults like it more, I think. The same is true for the kids, the physical humour of the Mike Wazowski character makes kids laugh. A lot. Oh and the fact that Pixar didn't milk the Monsters franchise to death like *cough*Shrek*ahhem* scores points with the writer(s) here.

Don't Watch This Movie. Ever:
Pearl Harbor. Believe me, there were a lot of bad movies in this year. None of them managed to combine 2 of my pet peeves yet still make me compelled to at least attempt to watch the whole movie.
Pet Peeve #3. This fucking assohole is ruining hollywood. Over dramatic pre-action sequences with love interests that are not relevant to the big picture of the story is a formula set in motion years before. Even before the movie with the boat sinking boofuckinghoo. Aformentioned asshole takes aformentioned formula a step further. EXPLOSIONS. Lots of em. Blow shit up. For no reason. Yeah, there's no reason why a WWII fighter plane shouldn't explode into a fireball bigger than the entire fucking town that I live in.
So, this movie. Asshole at helm. Check. Bad acting. Check. Unnecessary pyrotechnics. Check. Unnecessary love triangle quandry. Check. oh, bad bad bad acting. bad. bad. the only reason that this didnt get a 1/10 was the plane sequences, explosions aside, were pretty fucking cool.

Oh, and that 'Check' thing that I did. I hate myself for it, I just don't feel like rewriting it.

The review of the year 2000 for the first decennary movie blog

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny.Random) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 05:50:00 +0000

Movies from this year: 44

Best Picture Nominees seen: 3
Johnny.Random.DeclareBestPictureWin(2000, Traffic);
Ok, I'm not even going to mention the name of the winning movie that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences picked. We're very early going to visit two of the writer(s) pet peeves.
1) Action or Drama movies a-la-Titanicish that are rooted in history yet have a shallow plot that is predicable beyond belief. I don't seen the point of revisiting Elizabethan Great Britain, Ancient Rome or medieval Japan. Knowing the obvious conclusion of said winner of 2000's Best Picture, I point at one of my favorite movies (which is somewhat of a hypocrisy), Braveheart, and say to that waste of bronze fake body-armor, 'THAT'S how you're supposed to end a movie, you hacks!".
2) I fucking hate Russell Crowe. Him, I don't have as much reason as the #4 of my particular pet peeves. Some people feel the same way about Tom Hanks, but I could never be pissed at the star of Bachelor Party for making such a pile of dog shiza as The DaVinci Code. Russell Crowe, though, he's dead to me. I suppose it has something to do with the movies that he's in. I'd rather eat a 40 pound brick of pure opium that watch his catalog of films.
Ok, back on course, Traffic was nominated for the Oscar and in my eyes deserved to win. It is one of only5 movies that I've rated 10/10 over this entire decade. The story is compelling, it's entertaining and the performances that are given by this all-star cast making the characters and interlinking stories believable...unlike that snoozer/so lame and so obvious that I started dreaming about Sandra Bullock raping kittens about 2/3s of the way through it...that won 2005s Oscar. It's a good movie (Traffic, not the stale-bongwater one I was just referencing) to revisit if you catch it on cable...or the $5 bin a WalMart.

You may have missed:
Where the Heart Is- Just kidding. They show that one about 900 times a year on Lifetime. Chances are you reader(s) may have seen it by now on accident...and I wouldn't recommend it anyways.
Snatch.- The movie made Guy Ritchie the Madonna's panooch magnet that he used to be. The formula is there; get a bunch of hot-actor dudes to go on a wild goose chase following a heist and shoot each other. Sure, even the Brad Pitt role wasn't easy to deal with...with him all buggered up and hard to understand...but the movie was very well written and flowed real well.

Choice Comedy:
I hate to say it, but Scary Movie did what the Scream trilogy couldn't...self-parody to the max...as a parody. It took the whole genre of parody film and pushed it in a completely different direction. It was revolutionary...but it wasn't that good. It was funny. It was repeatedly funny. It's still funny, nearly 10 years later. And parody movies these days...pretty much suck on Disney Princess hairy snatch.

Speaking of Disney Princesses...
Do it for the Kids:
How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I gotta admit that I avoided this movie like the swine flu for a long time. I must clarify that this particular recommendation category is not simply a movie that the kids will like. It's a family award. There's adult humor. Dark. Humor. Lines like "Jury duty, jury duty, jury duty, blackmail, pink slip, chain letter, eviction notice, blackmail, jury duty"...as the grinch is tossing mail into peoples slots as 'christmas presents'. Kids wont get that one. I laffed. Kids movies didnt have adult humor like that until the Pixar era, really. It raised the bar. And as far as kids movies go and/or christmas movies, this one rocks.

Don't Watch This Movie. Ever:
2001: A Space Travesty. Just like I have very few movies with a 10/10 rating...I have only 8 movies with a 1/10 rating. This is one of them. As far as parody movies go...this one should never have been made. It's that bad. That Comedy Central decided to even play it makes me wanna Kill Kenny. You Bastard!

The introduction to the first decennary movie blog

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny.Random) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 05:49:00 +0000

Time to break format again. This decade (thus the 'decennary movie'...) changed the way that I watched movies. Don't get me wrong, I'm no pompous film critic...I just grew up. I suppose in a way I am a film critic, though. I'm very critical of my cinematic entertainment and have been for quite some time. This decade became the point in which I stopped watching movies as simply entertainment, but also as an art form. Certainly there is a difference. G.I. Joe was certainly an entertaining movie but...intellectually stimulating on multiple levels, I guess only if you have a thing for Sienna Miller. The parallel I suppose is a movie like Broken Flowers, which was somewhat of an interesting artistic movie but was real blah and I could barely watch it.

I get art a lot moreso than I did 10 years ago. I get the 'filmmaker''s ideas much moreso than 10 years ago. I still don't get the film critic though. It's probably because I still have an inkling of a desire to be entertained by my investment of 90+ minutes. There's no reason for me to watch a movie like Capote...says the man who watched National Lampoon's Pledge This!.

Bottom line, I watched 600 movies that were released this decade. There were a lot of bad ones, even more 'meh' ones, and a few diamonds. I'll go through each year for youse guys and give my 'Random versus the Oscar' picks, throw some cinematic masterpieces at you that you may have missed, pick the select comedy flick that just pisses off film critics in general, share some great kids movies from that year, and tell you the ones that were nearly unwatchable, even for me.

And for reference, if you don't believe that I've watched that many movies...click here.

I know you'll be a star in someone else's sky

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny.Random) — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 18:23:00 +0000

Have I mentioned that I almost fell back into man-love with Best Buy? They fucked up my shit so I have a deep incestuous loathing regarding their very existence again. Oh, and their hold-musak sucks mandingo cock.

I wanted to use the word "intercourse" in a sentence.
done.
and by 'intercourse' I mean a path or course inside of something...like the walkway in an airport or mall.
See?! I'm not always a horndog.

half meatball pizza/half christmas bonus
both of which were somewhat boner inducing. somewhat

Bucket List Addendum: Make a relatively safe flame thrower that which can be used to melt snow from my driveway. Fuck shoveling, I wanna melt the fuck out of that frozen precipitation. Well, not melt the fuck out of it, thats a nonsensical statement, i mean, how can I personify 'snow' then fuck it and/or melt the fuck out of it... You understand, I think. Just melt it.
Yeah.
[Ed. I'm gonna delete the fuck out of you.]
Try me, punk.
[Ed. Oh, did Santa give you a set of BALLS for {Insert solstice-time yet international celebration of covetous excess here}?]
No. Ass.

speaking of odd sexual situations...methinks it would be good to clarify the details of an uncommon sexual situation before said situation occurrs. It would suck if ur a homophobe and ur girlfriend asks if you'd be ok with a threesome. U, being a dude, would say yeah...but ur girlfriend brings another dude to the rendevous. Likewise, a similar snafu could happen with a foursome, like, if ur girlfriend secretly wants to be gangbanged. In other words, don't be homophobic.
Oh, and ask questions if questions of the 'threesome' ilk arise.

I googled on the google "Sienna Miller", just to see what Jude Law had been tapping. She, like other blonde actresses of her ilk, needs to eat a steak every now and again. At least Jude Law has better taste in women than Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods should go bang Sienna Miller.
Yeah.

I blame the banking system.
I'm not gonna explain. Just, fuck it.
[Ed. Being a virtual editor, I would like to personify a banking system, then fuck it. That's a good idea, writer(s).]
The banking system would be personified as a dude, though. You're gay.
[Ed. Touche, Ass.]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tKGBTCowyEw
cameos aplenty.
Oh, and I finally got Abbey Road so Hard Day's Night can go suck a cock.

btw, they should start exiling people again. There could be an Island of Misfit Whores, an Island of Batshit Insane Fucktards, and Island of Pederasty...and an Island for christians.

One thing I'm really glad about is that the economy is fucked, thus making rampant consumerism less rampant. Maybe we'll see deflation of prices and services cuz people can't afford shit for {Insert catholic holiday name here, that has been turned into a fuck-all national holiday praising the spoiling of children and adults with unnecessary materialistic items of little-to-no actual value}. Probably not...despite the fact that wages aren't even keeping up with inflation. We still have inflation. pfft. How I got an 'A' in both the economics classes that I took in college, I have no idea.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if people have sex at train stations. Not like Grand Central Station in New York or Union Station in Chicago. I'm pretty sure there's at least one person masturbating there per day. At least. I'm referring to remote stations. Further up the line kind of stations. You know, like if it's raining outside and people go in that little hut...and fuck each other blindly until either the dude, condomless for some reason, blows his load in 20 seconds into her panooch and/or the train arrives.

"The problem doesn't require a smart sounding answer
it's really simple
there are rules in mathematics and division by zero violates those rules
thus it is undefined
the rules are: a number divided by a number is a number
division can be inverted by multiplication
addition can be inverted by subtraction
I'm gonna puke
defending divide by zero"
...Now that's good writing
right?

is it just me or would it be awesome if vaginas could laugh? Or talk?! Wow, that would be so awesome if vaginas had a voicebox up by the g-spot. I can't even comment anymore cuz I don't think anything could be more awesomer than that.

"by a man's touch, I mean a penis in my vagina"
Notice the quotes...
Not that I needed the quotes, I'm pretty sure we've established that I haven't a vagina within my anatomy.

Holy beercycle race resulting in massive helmetless head wounds, Batman!
beercycle. Invent it. now.

Fuck it, im moving to a gigantic vat of chocolate.
Just eat chocolate until I die of too much chocolate-itis.

The going get tough, the tough get debt

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny.Random) — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 18:18:00 +0000

Have I mentioned that they should have a tv show of just boobs, soap bubbles, trampolines, stripper poles and hair metal music? Oh. And strobelights. Heck, it makes money in gentlemens clubs, why not televise it?!

I wanted to use the phrase "fucked by the devil" in a sentence.
done.
if a devil exists, how many women hath he fucked?

half kool-aid/half grain alcohol
That's a mix I remember somehow. College was an interesting place. Methinks there was more than half kool-aid tho.

Bucket List Addendum: Figure out how do do surgery. Take out the uterus of that arkansas lady who has 18 kids and a fetus. Take off the penis and balls of said woman's husband. Implant said uterus with fetus inside into the husband's abdomen. Attach penis & balls to woman. THEN see if they'll ever bother fucking without a condom ever again.
...or just crash paddle the dude's groin until he's sterile.

speaking of odd symmetry...is it a crime to throttle yourself in the head with your own fists? How about if you do it whilst laughing uncontrollably? Its not really attempted suicide, more like an assualt of stupidity. Damnit, editor, why did you hafta scare away the fact checker? Can't you hire a new one? [Ed. No comment.]

Okok, I'm not gonna google it, but disclose that I will scrote-punch anyone I know whom googles videos and/or watches 'Jersey Shore'. It's getting publicity for being so bad, which makes people want to watch it because it gets publicity...it's an endless cycle. However, people who state that it's so bad often do not preceed that statement with a threat of scrote-punching. There needs to be more scrote-punching associated with the watchers of 'Jersey Shore'. That, or death by death.

I blame $1.75 off 7 cans of chunky soup coupons...the fact that my car doesn't have a bigger gas tank...and Sarah Silverman's cock.
Don't ask.

http://www.motivatedphotos.com/?id=2341
yes. it. is.
and no, its not safe for work.

btw, there's dudes out there who actually believe in god! ...and there's dudes who don't believe in evolution! ...and there're straight dudes who wouldn't bang Heather Graham in the pooter hole even if she were begging for it [Ed. But there's poo in there!] Speaking of poo, how hungry would you hafta be to pick poo off a pizza and eat it (the pizza, not the poo)? Like, if someone poo'd on your pizza, but just a little bit, like only one poo, but you could tell that it's poo and not sausage.

One thing I'm really glad about is that Kevin Spacey doesn't hafta pay for sex. You know, it's always been a concern of mine.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is how bad it would be to fuck a celebrity's armpit while she's sleeping. Claire Danes has sexy armpits. I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

"We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers... Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls. Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get into locked a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge, and I knew we'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon."
...Now that's good writing
and tell me about the fucking golf shoes.

is it just me or would the world be a much more awesomer place if dogs could order drinks in human language...and some of them would order beers and scotchs and such....and chihuahuas would order horchata or dos equis...and my dog would order pee.

"Why didn't you wake me? It feels like I've been in a wet t-shirt contest."
Notice the quotes...
I just hope the next "new thing" isn't wet banana hammock contests.

Holy youthful exuberance due to ill-fitting man-thongs (also known as banana hammocks), Batman-the situation!

Fuck it, im moving to New Jersey, nuking it, then leaving.
And for those of you reader(s) employed by the CIA whom have been keeping track of me for being a Red-Flag waving Socialist, remember that this blog is complete and utter bull shit. Really. Even if I had a nuke, I wouldn't waste it on Jersey. pfft.
...and don't worry about me raping Claire Danes's armpit. You see, there's a difference between me and Tiger Woods, [Ed. What? Too soon?] I don't act on my perversions.

Get up offa that thing

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny.Random) — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 18:10:00 +0000

Have I mentioned that I was gonna say 'fuck it' and just do 'best of..' blogs for the rest of the year? I'm kinda glad I changed my mind. Nothing says jump the shark/he's a washed up has-been like a best of compilation.

I wanted to use the phrase "aggregate amount of mouth-fucking" in a sentence.
done.
I'm nonsensical.
Adding 'aggregate' to that phrase makes it a much more interesting thing to ponder tho.

half Helios trying to melt all this fucking snow/half me-kicking Boreas's asshole with my good shoes then making him pay for new ones cuz my shoes got bloody shit on them

Bucket List Addendum: buy some chloroform somewhere. chloroform a random person in the street. leave them there.
that's all.
what?
you thought I was gonna say something else?
man, my reputation as a sick fuck really sucks.

speaking of greek mythology...I would totally fuck Athena...except in some of the old statues she had a mannish face. I wonder if she's dtf doods like me. Hermaphrodite is a greek word, right? I would totally still fuck athena is he/she was a hermaphrodite. Come on, dont judge me, he/she's a god, dude. Okok if not Athena, then Demeter, totally. Demeter shows tits when she was posing for sculptures and paintings and shit. You KNOW if she was around in the present time, she'd be the kind of chick that keeps a dildo in her desk. Maybe even 2 dildos.

I googled on the google "elevator orgy" cuz I heard from another dood that such things are getting like hella-popular in Japan. Some of the images that I recieved from the google when I googled were downright nastiness. So, I guess, don't look it up...unless you have some Japanese in ya, or had some Japanese in ya within the past few months.

I blame butterfly nebulas...doggystyle...and beloit, wisconsin.
I suppose you want a reason...well...fuck off! I can blame whomever, whatever or whereever I want, this is America, right? The country of no personal responsibility, no fiscal responsibility...and when the government tries to take responsibility we all say 'fuck you, you communist fucks, all your meddling is going to crush the free-market system, stop all medical technological advancement, bankrupt social security, put us into trillions of dollars of debt to China and Saudi Arabia, and make us too much like other countries that are freer, happier, healthier, and just happen to be where our ancestors are from. socialism licks dicks'. pfft.
my tongue was in my cheek.
ok im done.

http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=1490
dunno if you guys are keeping up with this webcomic, but I gotta say I'm a fan of Hanners and Marigold. srsly.
http://xkcd.com/631/
I'll give ya this one too. This one's a little less SFW, but it's still a webcomic if you have to explain urself. Or just blame me.
http://www.cad-comic.com/sillies/20090813
And this one too. Just cuz "horsecock" is among the dialogue.

btw, Microsoft only hits me because he loves me.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I didn't cause the holocaust. What? Too soon?
It wasn't me, seriously.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if you can smoke hemp clothing. I'd like to remove a lady's hemp-flavored vest and smoke it...you know, just to see if its possible. I would have said hemp panties, but that shit would be itchy on the labia, no woman with an IQ over 40 would buy it...and I wouldnt be the kinda guy to take the panties off a lady with an IQ under 40. It's called a conscience. god put it there for a reason.

"A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-lagunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice."
...Now that's good writing...or improv. whatever. Bill Murray needs to start smoking pot again...or hemp panties.

is it just me or have you ever have an extremely urgent coffee poo at an inoppurtune time that tests ur sphincter's strength? Sometimes coffee just makes me poop, ya know? it is a natural laxative, so there may be a lesson to be learned here. What the lesson is, I don't know. I'm just glad I didn't burst my colon whilst driving. Whilst. I miss that word.

"i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching."
Notice the quotes...
...but really, yer life must really suck to not sexually enjoy jacking off to porn out of boredom.

Holy fecal matter with a corn-like consistency caked on my {censored}, Batman!
Batman threw up in his mouth a little bit.

Fuck it, im moving to...NOT-FUCKING-HERE!!!!
At least I got the satisfaction of willing the 4-8 inches of snow away from my vicinity with my incredibly awesome god-like weather-changing abilities (oh, fucking Gaia and not cumming on her tits when she told me not to helped with that too).

I'm an extraordinary machine

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny.Random) — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 18:03:00 +0000

Have I mentioned that the phrase "humping a dead moose" is SO wrong? I understand that the idea of such a phrase is to go beyond normal rational thought to describe how bad your previously bedded woman was...but srsly, fucking a moose would be damn near impossible...and possibly pleasurable, who's to say...but fucking a dead moose, that's just rediculotarded.

I wanted to use the word "faeces" in a sentence.
done.
...and that's the old english spelling. Don't know if it's the funky ae letter thing.

half alabama hot pocket/half meatballs and mozzarella hot pocket
one of the above can be looked up on urban dictionary for a quick laff.

Bucket List Addendum: Bring back Greek mythology as a religious movement. Polytheism is cool.

speaking of dumb stupid unemployed rednecks without healthcare...I don't want to hear any sob stories from the leftist cocksucking media trying to drum up grassroots support for healthcare reform. I wanna hear investigative reporting regarding the chupacabra.
Yeah.
Kidding.
Or am I????
Face it, media, you're better off running stories about the 7 year old who can whistle with his cock, any anonymous celebrity who got beat by his wife (what, too soon?) or the 28 year old grandma of 3... than efforting on trying to get americans up off their obese blubbery asses. Don't you know Americans are afraid? The last administration dug that fear in so deep that we're fucking paralyzed. People who are afraid don't get up on soapboxes. People who are afraid of losing their jobs don't talk to their supervisor when another employee gets preferential treatment. People with no money and no job don't go crying to Congress that they can't afford glasses for their kid because people with no money and no job don't have phones.
I know. Painting with a broad brush. It's just that making bad analogies is so fucking easy. Just like it's so fucking easy to write a letter to a congrASSman. My point is, don't listen to me. Don't listen to the news. Don't listen to Jim Hendry. DO SOMETHING...or stay afraid.
Ok, I'm done.

I googled on the google images "zero gravity shower fuck" and received zero search results. Methinks someone needs to swipe my phone and take some pictures of such things for me. I'm kinda curious what sopping wet naked mamms would look like whilst another person performs a sexual act on said person's vaginal orifice whilst in space. You know, would they bounce like they do in regular gravity?

I blame the poo water that splashed my ball sac...ladies ab fitness dvds...and oils and whatnots.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/09/02/georgia.tot.slapped/index.html?iref=mpstoryview
I know, I know, old news. Still makes me laff tho. Tis better news than a local murder-suicide that occurred eerily close to my house.
http://peopleofwalmart.com/
Take that too.
Yeah.

btw, America still doesn't have topless weather girls, icydk. Other countries do. The word "Puritanical" comes to mind with a comment like that aforementioned btw.

One thing I'm really glad about is that fisting was invented. Not that I've tried it. Nor have I seen it recently. It's just cool to think about a whole fist, up in there.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if people still use the word "milf". Seems so 90s.

"The strongest scene(s) include Choco shooting a man's arm off"
...Now that's good writing
...and the part where that dood drops a big screen tv off a balcony onto a moving car. On purpose.

is it just me or would it be awesome if someone cross-breeded a whale with a horse? That would be some funny looking antics. If it survived, of course.

"Gwen Stefani, will you peepee on me?"
Notice the quotes...
...and yes, I've never seen an ass like that.

Holy ginormous female in my bed, Batman!
Batman replied: "Did you like it, Boy Wonder?"
Robin replied: "I don't remember. I was drunk. What was that game called at the bar, again?"
Batman replied: "Nail the Whale."
Robin replied: "Nail the Whale. Huh. That would explain why I woke up with my {censored} in fat roll cleavage."
Batman replied: "Yeah. You won. By far."
{Robin puts his underwear back on whilst shaking his head}
{end scene}

Fuck it, im moving to whereever I can daily see homeless people wearing tinfoil hats.
I'll be their leader.
Then go Josef Stalin on their asses.
Kidding.
Or am I????
lol

Running through hell, heaven can wait

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny.Random) — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 18:01:00 +0000

Have I mentioned that gas was under $2 a gallon at this time last year? It was. The economy can suck my dick. OPEC too. They got to deep throat though. Without teeth.

I wanted to use the phrase "wow dude, my farts smell like plums" in a sentence.
done.
...and that's a direct quote.

half boom boom pow/half boom boom boom
Um...
Yeah.
[Ed. I want to fire you so fucking bad right now.]
Write me up then, celenedionfucker.
[Ed. Done.]

Bucket List Addendum: Keira Knightley.
No further comment necessary.

speaking of unnecessary butthole licking...I heard an announcer use the word "Tebowesque" in reference to Tim "Just wait until I'm in the NFL and everybody sees how much my talent set doesn't fit and I suck cocks for money" Tebow. Tebowesque. Really. Fuck television. Fuck football. Fuck sports. Fuck Keira Knightley. Fuck Disney. Fuck Mickey Mouse. Fuck Mickey Rourke. Fuck Rock n Roll. Fuck Britney Spears. Fuck asparagus spears. Fuck green vegetables. Fuck the color green. Fuck all the colors of the rainbow. Fuck rainbows. Fuck rain. Fuck precipitation. Fuck prepositions and adverbs. Fuck the English language for allowing someone to invent a word like "Tebowesque".
Fuck the English language for allowing someone to invent a word like "Tebowesque". Yeah.
That's what I was trying to say. Sorry I had to go to that in such a roundabout way.

I googled on the google "photobioreactors", you know, cuz I was looking for the most boring thing on teh internet that liberal cocksuckers get boners over. Kidding. Kinda. I recommend that anyone who gives any type of shit about alternative energy, read up on it. Apparantly the technology is years off to being ready on any kind of scale that would be useful but I like the sound of vagrantly vagrant algae being used to power my refrigerator. They seriously need to look into ways to make energy out of feces and garbage, Hinsdale smells awful. [Ed. That's because of the garbage, right?] No, I'm pretty sure the residents of Hinsdale poop regularly. ((FC. Yes, they have bowel movements, but I am informed that Hinsdale has a relatively modern sanitation system.))
Ok. We're done.

I blame Tim "lick my butthole, CBS" Tebow, Brett "lick MY butthole, FOX" Favre, Charlie "the unemployed eat even more doughnuts" Weis and Dave "still overrated" Wannstedt...oh, and Ron "PERFECT playcall, run the ball up the middle with no offensive line and an undersized running back...for 2 yards...you know, so the opposing defense KNOWS we're passing every down in the second half of the fucking football game cuz we're down by 4 touchdowns" Turner

http://health.yahoo.com/experts/eatthis/36451/the-best-and-worst-pizzas-in-america/
notice its from health.yahoo. I recommend the "worst" pizzas, of course.

btw, Civ 4 is awesome. Like, really awesome.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I'm not rich. I'd hate to shop at a Cadillac dealership and a wal-mart in the same day. Yeah. I shop at walmart, bitches. Remember, I'm all for child labor and human rights violations, so long as they're perpetrated by AMERICAN companies.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is what the scottish word for "vagina" is. The word seems too complicated for a scotsman to pronounce as it is.

"An intense opening sequence depicting a space battle in which various people are killed in explosions. One person is visibly hurled into space when a hole is blasted in the hull of the ship."
...Now that's good writing
...and yes, it's from a sci-fi action movie not titled "Star Wars"
I had to see Sylar with big ears. So? It's not like I'm gonna go all pocket-protector/ World of Warcraft now that I've watched that movie...and at least it's not 'New Moon'.

is it just me or would it be awesome to time travel to dinosaur time just to scare the fuck out of those animals? Hell, even the most fearless organism on the planet today would shit itself if a stealth bomber were flying directly towards it. Imagine doing that to a fucking T.Rex.
Make a T.Rex shit in fear.
Yeah.

"Excuse the fuck out of us!"
Notice the quotes...
I didn't watch the movie. Yet. I'll see if it's more badass when it's in the proper context.

Holy Donny Osmond! Where'd that glory hole in the batcave come from, Batman?!
Batman refused to comment.

Fuck it, im buying a parka and moving to the arctic.
it'll be desert in 12 years. the time to buy is now.
I can't wait til my pet polar bear is grabbing at his skin saying "get this fur off me, ass, im roasting"

Celebrate Thanksgiving...just like our forefathers...with football and overeating!

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny.Random) — Thu, 26 Nov 2009 17:26:00 +0000

Have I mentioned that there hasnt been a plague of locusts and frogs in like, over 2000 years? Nor has there been a plague of hail mixed with fire like, at least in my lifetime.

I wanted to use the phrase "4 hour erection" in a sentence.
done.
Oh, and the side effect "back pain" from cialis...isnt from the medicine.
Think about it.

half mother/half father
Hmmm. To be a child's mother and father, physically speaking and not figuratively speaking. Can hermaphrodites impregnate themselves?

Bucket List Addendum: Find a million dollars. Wipe ass with some of it. Spend the rest on completely unnecessary technological items, porn, hookers and pot...that is the American way.

speaking of wastes of money...they make a toy for young girls...a baby doll that actually poos and pees. Not kidding. They need diaper changes. I guess when kids are getting knocked up in their early teens, it helps when their parents are pro-life retards whom buy their kid halter tops and pooping babies for christmas.

I googled on the google "incomplete list of impolite words list" I just wanted to find a few choice ones that I could include in the blog. I guess it's easier for cursing retards in this world to listen to the audio rather than actually read them.

I blame KISS and MTV.

No link today...just a potshot at American consumerism. Fuck Thanksgiving and Fuck Black Friday. I mean the original concept of thanksgiving is cool and all. getting together with family is kosher...but do we really need a holiday that condones overeating? Sure, there's tofurkey but those liberal cocksuckers who eat that are phony fucks who should move to France, forTwos and all.
I should invite an American Indian to dinner next year. He'll laugh, I'm sure.

btw, dogs can eat spam. Preferably, the one lower in sodium.

One thing I'm really glad about...and thankful for...is that the pharmaceutical industry is making millions of dollars. If they didnt have the incentive of making their stock price go up 4%, how could I be able to go outside in May without allergy medicine?

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if there's an equivalent to "white trash" for other races. Calling a different race "brown trash" or "tan trash" for sharing similar qualities as white trash just seems improper. I suppose I don't know the answer to this quandry because I was raised in the suburbs.

A doctor carrying an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on his back. Gigantic marshmallow man. Sigourney Weaver.
...Now that's good writing.
...and when someone asks you if you're a god, say 'yes'.

is it just me or is a quarter til 2 in the afternoon an awesome time for a nap?

"I know they were just kids, but we kicked their pubeless asses"
Notice the quotes...
Chortle.

Holy overcooked deepfried turkey, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "hmfph. I'll order a pizza."
To which Robin replied: "They're all closed. Wanna play twister instead?"
Batman shook his head no and went upstairs to make a grilled cheese sandwich.
Robin pouted and beat off to pictures of {censored}.
...they had an uneventful Thanksgiving at the bat cave.

Fuck it, im moving to a tylenol factory.
or aleve.
whatever.
So long as i can pilfer a few pills a day then sell em on the black market to people who can't afford insurance.

I had false labor, my butt baby isn't due til lunchtime.

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny.Random) — Tue, 24 Nov 2009 17:24:00 +0000

Have I mentioned that "pour some sugar on me", if it is a sexual reference, is a really bad one? Come on now..."pour some sugar on me in the name of love"? Lets just hope he's not talking about golden showers.
Well, he IS English.

I wanted to use the phrase "dammit I'm mad" in a sentence.
done.
And its a palindrome too.

half octopie/half octopussy
I don't know how to pluralize octopus. I guessed. ((FC. Octopuses or Octopi, you're wrong on both accounts.)) And you're...um...gay on both accounts.

Bucket List Addendum: Buy a website, on it put a new diet fad. Hire a lawyer. Make diet's tagline "All the sugar, fat, carbs and sodium that you can eat" and in fine print put "not an actual diet". Laff all the way to the bank at the gullible Americans.

speaking of american me first attitude...there was an ad on tv for some new whackass automobile...with 403 horsepower...and this was a selling point. i have just one question...Why?! I'd insult America more, but I'm trying to be a census taker so I'll just say...if I know you and you purchase one of aformentioned vehicles, I will not hesitate to rape your asshole with a jar of peanut butter.

I googled on the google "synergy nude" and "synergy naked" just to see if a businessperson mayhaps made a site dedicated to coworkers that were moderatively attractive. There exists no such site. Business people don't have time for porn?

I blame the yuppiness of the goji berry...brett favre...and my headache.

http://rinkworks.com/stupid/
reason # 1 for outsourcing help desk overseas: we dont want to deal with dumb people.

btw, those of you reading on the book of faces...fuck the book of faces. repackaged (poop)myspace is still poop.

One thing I'm really glad about is that people can't swap brains. Zombies are the only thing on Earth that sould be allowed to attack humans in search of brains. That would be a hard fucking surgery too.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if I was dropped on my head as a child. It's not really something a parent would care to talk about, I'm sure. They wouldn't admit it...but they know. Deep down, every time their child says something like "What if a talking banana started singing 'it's peanut butter jelly time'?..." they're thinking "FUCK! maybe I did give him brain damage"

Not to play spoiler but...
"The character is then hauled by his broken legs into a large wooden craft, and burned alive."
...Now that's good writing
Especially because it was the highlight of the movie...and the character happened to be played by that all-star (not) of an actor, Nicolas Cage.

is it just me or would it be awesome to have a second row of teeth like a shark? that would be so bad ass. Teething would be a bitch tho.

"There's a thesaurus in the library. Yeah is under "Y". Go ahead, I'll wait."
Notice the quotes...
I like when people make fun of meatheads. [Ed. You mean like Bears fans?] Yeah, I'm having so much fun from the sidelines staring at the meatheads still on the bandwagon.

Um...Batman...how drunk were we last night?
To which Batman replied: "Fuck you, Boy Wonder, you're the one who roofied me."
Robin proceeded to put his pants back on.
{insert awkward moment here}

Fuck it, im moving to someplace that the American dollar has like EXTREME buying power.
Then retire there.
Even if the place sucks, as long as they have teh internet, I'll be fine.

The results, if any, should be discarded

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny.Random) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 17:20:00 +0000

Have I mentioned that I haven't had an alcohol-related passing out whilst puking and waking up hugging a toilet problem in quite some time now? It's true. nor have I been tossed out of a bar for puking in their kitchen in at LEAST two years. Johnny.bourbon is drinky less bourbon, obviously.

I wanted to use the phrase "hawaii is more expensiver" in a sentence.
done.
[Ed. I hate you.
Let me count the ways:
1. Poor grammar.
2. Poor spelling.
3. Poor grasp of leetspeak.
4. You're poor, kinda.
5. Your gay jokes suck worse than you do.
6. You made me hire that fact checker gay douchbag. ((FC. Fuck you, Editor, I know where you live)) Shut up, fag.
7. I miss your sweet ass.
8. I forget what 8 was for
9. For your lost god.
10. For everything, everything, everything, everything.]
Hey, at least we're on the same page. Ass.

half System.UrbanInfrastructure.EpicFailException/half wtf is this road construction taking so fucking long for...now 294 isnt gonna be done until 2010. fuck every single project manager, union member, politician and orange flag means slow down waver fuck who is associated with these interstate highway projects. fuck them all.

Bucket List Addendum: Hire carnys (not of the shitty tv show "Heroes" variety. I mean seriously. Mohinder's back. Nathan's back. Electric Elle, nowhere to be found. And that awfully acted excuse for a cop is still there. And Cheerleader isn't showing more skin since she turned 18, nor is she kicking more ass. Fuck that show.)
Shit.
Where was I?
orite. carnys.
Hire carnys to partol the sidewalk around my house.
Fuck.
I don't have a sidewalk.
Ok. let them hang from my tree in the front lawn and scare passing children and motorists.
Yeah.

speaking of witless fucks without jobs...I wonder why the word half-wit is used to describe people with less that average IQs...and not people who are only kinda funny. I'd call myself a half-wit cuz my wit is only a little above average. Or is it whit? ((FC. No, you're thinking of the definition wit- The ability to perceive and express in an ingeniously humorous manner the relationship between seemingly incongruous or disparate things...and not the definition wit- Keenness and quickness of perception or discernment; ingenuity.)) Shit. Maybe I am a half-wit. In more ways that one. [Ed. I'll second that.]

I googled on the google images "Ancient Roman Porn"...you know, just to see if they had the internet back then. They didn't but they did have some interesting drarwings. So, what they say about the Ancient Greeks might be true, but the Ancient Romans seemed to have gotten it on...with dicks in pussies.

I blame Henry Hyde...the band name "Mr. Mister"...and futbol telemundo.
In that order, but make sure Henry Hyde gets the stricter sentence. Jury-less. And death by firing squad if you can muster that.

No link today. Please though, in all seriousness. Moment of silence for Nancy.
..
..
..
She passed away earlier this week. My track record with in-laws passing away seems to be getting worse. Nancy & Bill we're thinking of you. Wake me up when November ends.

btw, the closest waffle house location is 176 miles from my current location. Franchisees, take note...open a fucking Waffle House near Chicagoland, you shitbag buttfucking clowns. I'm sick of seeing IHOP commercials. Fuck IHOP. Open a jesusdamn Waffle fucking House. I don't care if its 45 miles away in some suckhole like Calumet City or Gary, Indiana. Just fucking build it. I'll even say the magic word...Fucking please.
Ok I'm done.

One thing I'm really glad about is that the baconator at wendys doesn't cost 70 billion dollars each. Wendy's is one of the few fast food locations that I am not currently boycotting. I'm suspicious that their "double stack" isn't a quarter pound anymore though. I'll let you know. We may have a boycott.begin() on our hands.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is why my doggie is out of his "must mercilessly eat all stuffed animals in sight" phase and is now in the "hmmm, that paper looks tasty, lets lick it" phase. I guess he's growing up. He's not entirely dumb, just, um, odd. [Ed. He learned from the best, the writer(s) at johnny.random.] Ass.

"I know my haiku's are freaking intense
but even the words I made up to sound French
don't express my feelings for your toilet parts.
I would show up for our pottery class
dressed like a pirate with John Water's mustache
On a unicorn that shits your name in stars."
...Now that's good writing
I'm just glad they released it as a single.

is it just me or is Keanu Reeves one of the worst mainstream actors, like, ever? It's like, him or Al Pacino. Signore Pacino has the issue of overacting. Forrest Gumpish Keanu has the issue of looking like a tard whenever he's supposed to look serious...and looks like a community theatre actor when yelling, screaming, crying, fighting, whacking off, surfing, raping children, etc. [Ed. I'd correct you on the 'tard' thing, because we've been over it, but you're pretty spot on. Keanu is a bit of a tard. You have seen Point Break, right?] ((FC. Allow me to interject with my opinion as well. In researching the internet movie database, I have found no less than 20 distinct cinematic instances of Keanu being a tard, and no less than 11 distinct film instances of Alfredo James Pacino overacting. I concur with your assessments.))
Ok, we're done.

"I look at all the lonely people"
Notice the quotes...
Fuck lonliness. Go join a bowling league or something, lonely people.

Holy unshaven beard is itchy, Batman!
{Batman looks at Robin}
Batman: "I didn't think it was possible, but you look even more gay with facial hair, Boy Wonder."
{Robin shrugs and gropes Batman's groinal area}
{censored}
{censored}
{censored}
...
the writer(s) at johnny.random will not describe the next panels as to spare you the horror.
[Ed. They fuck, don't they?]
No comment.

Fuck it, im moving to a Suessian wonderland.
It seems way more vibrant than some crazy kookoo bananas chocolate factory.
I suppose I'd like to see what a brown bar-ba-loots and a moth-watching sneth look like in real life.
Yeah.
...and no, I'm not on LSD.
...and no, I'm not the walrus.

Ligers and Tiguars and Tenderheart/Kodiak Bears, oh my

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny.Random) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 17:18:00 +0000

Have I mentioned that I liek pie? I do...oh, and the caveman from the geico commercials killed Kennedy. Not sure which Kennedy, but, yeah. [Ed. Can we get a fact-checker on this, please? I'd like to avoid libelous lawsuits.] What?! You don't trust me? ((FC.er I retreived no references to John Lehr, Jeff Daniel Phillips nor Ben Weber commiting nor attempting a murder of any person or persons named Kennedy nor with the surname of Kennedy.)) [Ed. Thank you.] Ass.

I wanted to use the phrase "We've recieved an ID-10-T error from our client" in a sentence.
done.
Get it?

half basting in teriaki sauce then setting ablaze/half lemon dill & breadcrumb broiled
I'm talking about salmon filets, obviously.

Bucket List Addendum: Make a dark movie.
Cast Johnny Depp and his hot little ass as the male lead.
Cast Helena Bonham Carter and her awesome tits as the female lead(Christina Ricci will do if she's contractually obligated elsewhere).
Demand full nudity.
Make Edward Norton the killer.
Let him kill the other characters in a psychotically cool way.
???
Profit!!!

speaking of money... I like it when my bank's check deposit program does a += on my account. I just wish it would hit an infinite loop on accident until my checking account reaches epic amounts.

googled on the google "painless death". Do not worry. I am not commiting self-pwnage nor am I interested in committing a heinous crime. I was just curious.
The first article was somehow about Terry Schiavo. There's a question regarding whether dehydrating is a painless death. I think I'd just rather die in a more interesting but sudden manner. There's got to be a better way!
I was hoping for something different, obviously.

I blame burkas...that water tastes so damn plain...and a partially injured clavicle.

http://www.auction.com/residential-auction
Just don't buy the one I want or I'll jerk off onto your face and hair whilst you sleep, then take a dump on your chest. A nice and steamy one.

btw, when you cast from a number, it helps if the number is less than infinity. Obviously, Infinity plus 2 is out of the question.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I don't talk in the second person all the time. Or is it the fourth person? Shit. I don't know. ((FC.er The writer(s) at Johnny.Random talk occasionally in the third person. The second person would be if you said to yourself "you want pie.")) [Ed. You want cock.] You do? [Ed. No, you, you do.] He does {points at fact checker}. ((FC.er The fact checker(s) at this internet site do not prefer the taste of homosexual penis in mouth(s).))
{Giggle}
He's so gay. [Ed. Yeah, totally gay.]

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if a seeing eye dog is trained well enough to not rip a blind guy's arm off if you blow an air horn in its ear. I totally want to do that.

Micky Rosa: [while Choi is stealing everything that isn't nailed down in the hotel room] *Hey!* You steal The Bible, you go to Hell. Those are the rules.
Choi: Like I'm not going anyway.
...Now that's good writing.
The rest of the movie...meh.

is it just me or would it be cooler if zombies ate technology instead of people? That would rock, seeing zombies gnawing on laptops and blenders and iPods and pneumatic drills and such. Unless they have no means with which to gnaw on technology. Then it would be like watching a senile old man gumming a chocolate long john.
Clarification: When I say long john, I don't mean my cack. I mean something that may be purchased at Dunkin Donuts for less than a McDonalds dollar menu item.
Clarification: When I say chocolate, i mean the edible flavored topping, and not poop.

"if the elevator tries to bring you down, go crazy"
Notice the quotes...
I'd like to code the brain program to do that occasionally.
Then laugh when I see it on the news.
if (elevatorDirection == ElevatorDirectionEnum.Down) Action.Perform(GoCrazy());
else Action.Perform(Hum((SmoothJazz)Music.Popular));

And now for something completely different, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "You're doing chicks now?! Excellent, Boy Wonder!"
To which Robin replied: "No."
To which Batman replied: "Fat chicks who kinda look like guys?"
To which Robin replied: "No, Batman, I've found Jesus, he's my lord and personal saviour. Here's this pamphlet for my church."
Batman paused.
{censored}
Oh my god! Somehow Robin ended up with a batarang lodged in his aortic valve.
To which Batman said: "Yes, officer, it was the strangest thing..."
-end scene-

Fuck it, im moving to just outside Mammoth Cave.
Then do that "Honey, I blew up the kids" thing to myself.
Then look for a natural earthy orifice.
...
I'm sick.
Like. Really.

Sharing a drink called lonliness is better than drinking alone

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny.Random) — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 17:16:00 +0000

Have I mentioned that I've never tossed anyone off the log flume ride at six flags? Well, I haven't, the seatbelt was too tight.

I wanted to use the phrase "yeah?! Well, I hate you infinity plus ONE!" in a sentence.
done.
infinity is cool.
The Infiniti QX56, though. Fuck that. Fuck infiniti cars. fuck them infinity plus two.

half 9,223,372,036,854,775,807/half 7FFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
that's the maximum size of a number(19), in two different formats. [Ed. Fuck Oracle.] Yeah. Fuck it. Fuck Oracle in its jesusdamned connection orifice. And fuck the Ancient Greeks for building the Oracle. And fuck the latin fucks for translating that ancient greek word into a different word. Then fuck the Old English fucks for translating that Latin word into the word "Oracle". Fuck the word. Fuck everything Oracle. FUCK.
Ok. I'm done.

Bucket List Addendum: Buy a hummer dealership...then blow it the fuck up. Preferably with people inside whom wish to buy hummers. Fucking kill them all. Then roast marshmallows over the fucking flames. yeah.
Clarification. by the word "hummer"(s), I mean "pieceofshit automobile" and not "orally performed sexual favor that may or may not be in exchange for money"...and now that that's clear, it should be obvious that by "dealership", I mean "automobile dealership" and not "brothel".

speaking of religious oddities...one thing they don't say about heaven when you're growing up is...what you go to heaven AS. If you're 82.275 years old when you die, would you go to heaven and spend eternity as a wrinkled poop factory? When you get to heaven, they say all your friends and family will be there. But what if they don't recognize you? Heck, your 12 year old buddy who got turned into creamed corn from a mack truck wouldn't recognize you as a incontinent alzheimers fogey. And if you die when you're 105.01725 years old and you don't remember shit...how the hell are you gonna remember ANY of your family and friends. It's rubbish to think god restores your memory when you die. O that's right, your SOUL goes to heaven. Your soul will remember things. Right. I think my brain just puked on that one. Philosopher, I am not. I guess you have to have a ton of faith or a brain full of stupid to believe such nonsense.
Ok I'm done.
...and to my catholic-ish reader(s), no, I'm not the devil nor am I the devil's advocate.
I don't believe the devil exists either. Figuratively speaking, yes. But, no.
Ok. Now I'm done.

googled on the google "flame retardant underwear". Yes. It exists. Now all I need is a flame retardant scalp. The underwear, however, is more like "long johns" than boxer-breifs. Probably really snug on the fuckin calzones if you know what I mean. And, the shits expensive as fuck. You better seriously be using those things on or around flames, considering they're over $50 a pair. And by pair I mean 1. Fuck money. Just set yourself on fire next to a lake or something so once you get fully ablaze, you can just jump in the lake.

I blame Al Pacino...and Phil Collins (again)...and the McDonalds Mushroom & Swiss Angus Burger.

http://www.netflix.com
fuck blockbuster too. fuck them in the dvd hole.

btw, there's no vertical align on window's forms TextBox control. Nor is there a legit Height property. In order to adjust the height, you need to set the font size to bigger, set multiline to true, or make your own control. Microsoft sucks dicks, obviously.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I've never been punted into a pit of despair. 1) cuz it would take a big ass foot and a helluva lot of force to punt me in any direction...and would hurt. and 2) pits of despairs suck.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is when I became a rational thinker. When did I start putting strings of thoughts together in a nonsensical way to form something sensical? [Ed. Is the answer "never"?] Ass.

[we see a bush in the middle of a field]
Announcer: This is Mr. Nesbitt of Harlow New Town. Mr. Nesbitt, will you stand up, please?
[nothing happens]
Announcer: Mr. Nesbitt has learned the first lesson of not being seen: not to stand up. However, he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover.
[the bush blows up]
...Now that's good writing.
English humour is so fucking underappreciated.

is it just me or would skydiving parachuteless then landing upon a sewing needle thats jagging out from the ground be a bad thing? That fucker would rip right threw ya. Methinks the other injuries would be more fatal-er. [Ed. "more fatal-er". Shit. You make my job too easy. I just don't understand why they make me write in brackets to point out your mistakes rather than actually correcting them. One more thing, quit cursing, you're pissing off the FCC, you pigfucker.] Well, you're a horsefucker. [Ed. And you're a chickenfucker.] madrepadrefucker! [Ed. Shitfucker!] Bearfucker! [Ed. GayMouthFucker!] LLAMALLAMADUCKFUCKER! [Ed. CELENEDIONFUCKER!!!!11111ONE] Ouch, dude.

"Hey, I was in the neighborhood. I thought I'd come by and take a shit."
Notice the quotes...
yeah.

The doctor said it was malignant, Batman!
Robin died. Teh butt cancer beat teh aidsillisohnorridearpes.
Don't try and pronounce it.
Just mourn his death by teh butt cancer.
...and to my catholic-ish reader(s), light a candle, say a prayer and giggle that Robin is going to hell for being such a flaming homoseckual.

Fuck it, im moving to whereever the fuck phillip seymour hoffman lives just so I can stand aside his driveway to curse him out for being such a critically acclaimed actor, despite the fact that I think he fucking ruins every piece of cinema that is unfortunate enough to have his name associated with it. fuck him. fuck the town where he lives. fuck hollywood. fuck everything.
fuck.
curseword.

is the answer jesus?

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny.Random) — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 17:13:00 +0000

Have I mentioned that I haven't yet used a rubber mallet as a weapon? Yeah, I know, life sucks if you've never used a children's toy as a weapon once you reach adulthood...oh, and I've never slit my OWN wrists. hehe.

I wanted to use the phrase "you will be waffled" in a sentence.
done.
I can't decide on which definition of the verb "to waffle" to use in that case. Figure it out yeself.

half adjusting the variance of rubberized component pressurization/half verification of hydrocarbon lubrication for operative engine components.
In other words, checking the tire pressure and checking the oil. Betcha they can overcharge for it if they called the procedures what I called em.

Bucket List Addendum: Spit take onto a politician who says something moderately relevant in my presence.

speaking of overproduced cgi-suck fest movies that try and reinvent shit from my childhood...I watched the new GI Joe movie. I was prepared to be underwhelmed. I was overwhelmed by my underwhelmedness. It started off so badass but the last 80 minutes or so wasn't even worth the gigantic boner that the first 20 minutes induced. I actually wanted to fuck the dvd hole of this disc at one point i was so entertainedly aroused, despite the fact that my mushroom head wouldn't fit in there and even if it did, would get chafed beyond repair. By the time the submarine battle came up, I wanted the bad guys to win cuz the GI Joes were so badly acted, badly cgi'd, badly written and just straight up lame. Its watchable, don't get me wrong. I just hate it when my childhood is ruined by Hollywood...and that goes to you X-Men Origins: Wolverine, too. Gaying up Gambit REALLY pissed me off.
Ok. I'm done.

googled on the google "has been actor suicide" just for obvious reasons. I guess the kid from Terminator 2 tried to off himself. I was hoping someone more famous would show up in the results, for obvious reasons. I hope Nicholas Cage has the self-pwnage bug bite him in his tiny little white talentless ass.

I blame Phil Collins for, well, you know...that there's water at the bottom of the ocean...and Jerry Seinfeld's mom.
In that order.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2JlVqfC8-UI
is sfw. and classic. and funny.

btw, methinks glowsticks are not cool anymore. nor are cavarrici pants rolled up at the bottom. [Ed. ...nor are blogs.] Ass.

One thing I'm really glad about is that care bears never broke out of their cinematic prison zombie-style and started raping real bears. With my luck, I'd be eated by a tenderheart/polar bear hybrid. And by hybrid I don't mean in the automobile nor in the sexual orientation fashion. Just so we're clear on that. I kinda wonder if a (((zombie) cheer) * brown) bear hybrid could take on a regular grizzly bear.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if midget females have normal sized vaginas, because I have heard that midget cack being disproportionately large to their body size is not a myth. You'd think that midget females would hafta have a vag to fit a midget cack inside...but who am I to say, I don't know shit about shit, remember?

"In one scene, a man and a woman are behind a curtain as they sing, casting their shadow. The man's sword angled so that, in the shadow, it looks like his abnormally-long penis is rising up to the woman's crotch."
...Now that's good writing.

is it just me or is the "feeding gremlins after midnight" kinda screwy? It doesn't take time zones or daylight savings time into account at all. It would be fucked if you knew the rule but the mogwai is on Grenwich Mean Time.

"I feel like a gerbil smothering in Richard Gere's butthole"
Notice the quotes...
I do, though, kinda. Just, minus the gerbil in butthole reference.

Stab me with a turkey lacer and stuff me with onions and celery and croutons, Batman!
To which Batman responds: "You're a Robin, not a turkey, Boy Wonder"
To which Robin grins and sez "Then stuff me with your {censored phrase} until I {censored phrase} then {censored} on my {censored adjective & noun}"
Batman was silent.
[Ed. I thought Batman was gay for Robin too.]
No, it only seemed that way. Robin's the gay one. Heck Chris O'Donnell played him in the movie, doesn't that fit the casting?
[Ed. He's gay?]
Yes, and his wife doesn't know...nor does his stripper/mistress...nor does his dominatrix...nor does his publicist/side panooch...nor do his 5 kids...nor does the babysitter that he bangs in his beemer...nor does his daughter's 10 year-old best friend...nor does his dog.

Fuck it, im moving to a bowling alley.
I'll sleep during the day and be a geezer manual pin setter at night.
Only if I can work during cosmic bowling so I can see which chicks have cum-stains on their clothes when the black lights are on.
Yeah.

Life's a bummer when you're a hummer

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny.Random) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 17:03:00 +0000

Have I mentioned that I would really like to open a bank and call it "First Not Fucking You Blindly Out of Your Money Bank"?
Fuck banks.

I wanted to use the phrase "Bowie used Egress" in a sentence.
done.
yeah, thats a shining force reference.

half "to the pain"/half "inconceivable"
im not gonna explain. you should know.

So today is the last day that I'm gonna do a "so today is..." passage. Yeah, it's retiring. I think it sucks. And licks. It's a bisexual passage that has lost its relevance. Plus, I don't wanna write it anymore.

speaking of inconceivable actions...I had a full butt over the weekend and considered just pulling over and straight-up pooping in someone's yard. What crime is that? I'm pretty sure it's illegal to defecate on someone's property, especially if you're using the landscaping portion of someone's property and not their bathroom.

So i ran over previously roadkilled roadkill this morning so I googled on the google "squirrel roadkill". it was cool. I recommend this google search...and its even cooler with safe search off. If ur sick like me, look it up...oh, and they should make bug zappers for squirrels. fuck squirrels.

I blame the spongebob sickpants video...the fact that the band "Bad Company" was vain enough to make a song "Bad Company" and release it as a single...and halloween candy

http://www.y8.com/games/Whack_Your_PC
this game is right up my alley. Play the associated games like whack your ex and whack your boss. The boss one, though, try not to play it at work.

btw, computers can't get swine flu. Wrong kind of virus. Unless a hacker made a virtual one. I bet its a Trojan. or a Magnum.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I never electrocuted my cat back when I had one. But if I did, say, coat a bare electrical wire with catnip...would that be arson if the flaming cat set my house on fire? Or is there an actual crime for feline murder?
and no, I don't know why I'm on a animal-killing trend today.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is why the fuck i shaved my head. impulsive behaviour be damned. And no, I'm not joking. It is not fucking easy to be bald when it's 40 degrees outside. I'm gonna be fucked in January.

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read"
...Now that's good writing

is it just me or does deep fried bacon sound like an awesome idea? Get on that, stat. There should be a bacon-off to see who can cook the tastiest bacon the fastest.

"I should play god and just shoot you myself"
Notice the quotes...
...which would actually work as a line for me, which is a good reason for me to not own any automatic firearms.

Holy monkeys going ass-to-mouth in front of hundreds of children, Batman!

Fuck it, im moving to a gigantic uterus.
That would be so bad ass, to live in a gigantic artificial uterus.
especially if you could hook ur belly button to a feeding tube.
but i like eating with my mouth. shit.
oh. then there's the problem of getting jizzed on when the condomless gigantic artificial penis starts fucking the gigantic artificial vagina thats attached to ur gigantic artificial uterus home.
Fuck.
I guess I'll just stay put. No jizz for me thank you.

I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny.Random) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 15:30:00 +0000

Have I mentioned that the word "doh" is close to the word "dough"...and they sound the same?! You can use dough to make pizza! pizza is awesome!

I wanted to use the phrase "it wasn't me, it was the three-armed man" in a sentence.
done.

half tomorrow never knows/half yesterday, all our troubles were so far away
the beatles were conflicted, obviously.

So tomorrow is Halloween. I almost cared. I think people stop caring about halloween when they turn 40. So, soon it will be ok for me to say bah humbug, halloween...until then, I'm sporting my franz-josef facial hair style in support of my halloween costume. Sometimes, I surprise myself.

speaking of terrible examples of 80s music...if you know the song "lay your hands on me" by Bon Jovi, it is the prime example of the 80s in general...starts off rockin then turns to awful 80s lipstick glam hair band REAL quick. Bon Jovi has been awful for about as long as David Lee Roth has not been in Van Halen. Owait, he's back in Van Halen. I forgot. Fuck Sammy Hagar, btw.

googled on the google how likely a person is to win something in McDonald's monopoly game. I came across something interesting in regards to the actual board game. There actually has been a mathematical study done that shows the game is fair, probabilitily speaking.
I know, I'm a geek, but at least im not a cunty sony vaio. [Ed. You racist.] Fuck that, Sony Vaios are cunty bitches, especially the ones with Windows 7. Fuck them. 6 gigs of ddr3 memory, pfft.

I blame fibergalss canoes, a pantsless john mayer standing next to me playing "you give love a bad name" on air guitar, and tar purging from my lungs.
In that order, minus one of the prestated blameable offenses.

no link today, but i will give you something to ponder.
There hasn't been research done on this, but there should. I've mentioned something like this before in this blog. Illinois just isn't that creative with their city names...but if my hypothesis is true, maybe there's a reason they named Havana, IL the way they did.
So...Which place name has the most people of foreign descent whom are from a nationality in which the original place name exists?
How many cubans live in Havana, IL? How many Egyptians live in Cairo, IL? Greeks in Athens? Chinese in Canton? French in Paris? English, Indian, German, Israli, Canadian, Spanish or Sweedish in Salem?
I'd go on but I don't have the jugular fortitude at the moment

btw, the only zztop member without a bearded face is named "Frank Beard".

One thing I'm really glad about is that they make malt liquor in 6-packs now.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if theres a chocolate soda that exists that also does not suck ass...and makes ya horny. and no, thats not a a2m + butt pee reference. Canfields sucks. Yoohoo isnt really soda, and sucks.

New blog format! w00t!
A mentally challenged police officer wearing a speedo, sporting a huge erection, dragging a vacuum cleaner and saying a line like "I said, don't disturb me when I'm cleaning my room"
...Now that's good writing.
if you dont get it, the dude is using the vacuum cleaner to self-pleasure.

is it just me or did those of you who had imaginary friends, murder said imaginary friends in a drastic manner with a lawn dart back in 1983? [Ed. {backs away from keyboard}] Ok, so I'm the only one? [Ed. I'm not going to say a thing.] It's about fucking time, you technoassdouchemicrosoftcuntwalmartkellyclarkson.

"unwed mothers should be sterilized"
Notice the quotes...
and yes, people do believe that.

Holy sombrero and assless chaps-wearing monkey clapping his hands with cymbals on them, Batman!

Fuck it, im moving to A.W.E.S.O.M.E.
Thats the future acronym of my evil lair.
I havent decided what it stands for yet, though.

Who do you think you are? A Kennedy?

noreply@blogger.com (Johnny.Random) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 15:28:00 +0000

Have I mentioned that margaritas are a good time eraser? I havent used that method to erase time in a while. [Ed. I hope you are speaking figuratively. Time exists no matter what beverage is consumed.] Jesusdamn, you are SUCH a computer.

I wanted to use the phrase "man, that's some good kleenex" in a sentence.
done.

half happyFoodMoment.Go()/half addictiveFoodVariable == true

I think I like the painter Dali because his name is close to Deli. Delis are awesome. Pastrami. Prosciuto. fucking cheese! yeah man.

speaking of cheesy goodness, I wonder why I've never made myself a grilled cheese sandwich with bacon. Everything is better with bacon, except for maybe contact lenses...and whiffle balls. Shit. Nevermind. Could you imagine trying to hit a whiffle ball made out of uncooked bacon. That would be AWESOME.

googled on the google videos "dude getting eaten by a tiger" just because I figured that teh internets have everything and surely someone has been eaten by a tiger whilst someone had a digital recording device of some sort. There tweren't any videos of such things happening. There were a number of "lesbian power" video blogs though...which were interesting to say the least. Maybe "tiger" is the new "pussy". I kinda wanted to see someone get eaten by a tiger tho.

I blame the fact that G.I. Joe cartoons ended with "...and knowing is half the battle", yet they never said what the other half was...and stray cats (the band).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkrCjeF6eSY
is SFW...and funny. buy it.

btw, ninjas are no longer cool. Ninjas are passe. Ninjas reek of homosexual buttsecks.
[Ed. Do you mean like lube?]
No, I mean like poodick, crisco and scented candles.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I've started using the curseword "Bollocks" and noone has called me on it. Unlike when I was using "Barnacles" as a curseword, which was often laughed at.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know, is instead of governmentally forcing stupid people to not have sex, why they just dont tramp stamp them with something like "FUCKING RETARDED" so smart people don't knock up dummies unintentionally.

I wonder if third-world countries are easy to take over and dominate as a dictator. I'm not sayin I'm just sayin.

is it just me or would it be cool if pinatas were animatronic? Especially if they were muy cerveza pinatas. That means drunk pinatas methinks. [Ed. Es un pinata muy barracho.]

"god is gonna kick your ass, you infidelic pagan scum"
Notice the quotes...
and no, I don't know if infidelic is a real word. it comes from the root infidel methinks.

Holy Bacon-wrapped fried green tomatoes, Batman!
or bacon-wrapped and chocolate frosted edible underwear! w00t! wow! great idea!

Fuck it, im moving to a third world country that I can puppeteer and use as a stepping stone towards world domination.
Thats kinda a lot of work tho.
I guess I'll just move to the jagged-up part of Wheeling and take that over.