Every picture tells a story

Have I mentioned that I bought a vacation home? No? Good, cuz I was lying.

Johnny.random's 4 random thoughts
1. Go back in time and give American Indians some machine guns. Trust me.
2. If I was a cannibal I wonder which cut I'd prefer.
3. Christmas lights would probably accentuate my ding-dong. Not the rope lights tho, hipster I am not.
4. FYI, 'fag' isn't a valid word in words with friends.

The fluid of the day is that peanut oil that sits on the top of old peanut butter. I wanna cook with peanut butter peanut oil so badly. End with adverb I do giddily.

god came down to the middle east and said "I was way cooler when you called me 'ra'"

I wanted to use the phrase "80s new wave hairdo" in a sentence.
So back in the 80s, the 80s new wave hairdo was particularly popular, especially among trashy 20something cum-dumpster chicks whom often orgified with hair metal bands (ironically, not with new wave bands) upon california king sized mattresses.

johnny.random's "captain obvious" statement of the day: "Steve Martin has had white hair for a long time""

Rule 34 of the day - a palm tree, without its palms, having sex with a cave. Not a euphemism.

moment of silence for the holiday retail boom
..
..
done.
only a 3% increase. pfft. Probably because they were giving the shit away.

Bucket List Addendum: The same thing I do every night, horsecock, try to take over a Dennys.
Well, that, or stick my dick in a guitar amplifier.
I can't decide.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "basketball isn't entertaining enough. they need to make a mutant league basketball video game and/or actual game. I would buy it. "

speaking of nocturnal emissions...I finally bought myself new underwear for xmas. Very festive, I know. I went all out spending on myself, 100 pack of CD-Rs and a 4-pack of boxer briefs. The plus side is that I did not ring up any debt at all this year.
I felt pride!

I had a dream...I was sporting a Tom Selleck moustache and battling Goldie Hawn in arm-wrestling, letting her win of course, when Dave Grohl rode in on a gorilla and started raping random bottles of gin (he has a terrifyingly small wingwang). Candle wax started dripping from the ceiling onto Goldie's top (did I mention it was see-through?) so she took it off. The gorilla mauled then ate Goldie Hawn, and I lost wood.
It was weird.

Hi, I'm not a spouse batterer whom uses a potato gun to fire old ivory piano keys at said spouse...and ur not.
and by you, I know who you are, you sick fuck.

I googled on the googleImages "medieval chastity belt".
it. was. AWESOME!

I blame...Sicily, that cunt with the purple dress at that thing I went to back in 1997, and a-cup breasts.
...for everything

http://cardsagainsthumanity.com/
it's mostly sfw.

need a used life-sized dildo mailed to your ex-wife or now-gay ex-husband? call johnny!
need someone to drop a piranha into an public aquarium in front of dozens of children? call johnny!
need someone to clean your toilet whilst wearing pants? call johnny!
yes that's right! johnny is the only random task manager in the Chicagoland area that doesn't own a late model chevrolet corvette! give him a call today for his discount exclusively for plus-sized women! No request is too random!

if you could penetrate britney spears and/or lindsay lohan with a two legged barstool manufactured in Sarajevo? Why from Sarajevo, you ask? The better question is - "Why not?".

I held in my pee and popped a blood vessel in my eye.
My bad, it was my community college acting up.

Just remember, there's a time and a place for everything, including setting a termite hill on fire with turpentine in exchange for a jiffy lube oil change.

"I thought you were straight"
File that under: Things heard in prom bathrooms spoken by cheerleaders regarding their football star boyfriends.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I don't have a superhairy chest. I would be so ashamed to take a shirt off in public if that twere the case.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is why eddie murphy and adam sandler became such sellouts and decided to make the most awful movies in modern comedic history. They were so funny once. It's such a shame.

...and so johnny.random does some research:
Hypothesis: Hotness of First Lady directly relates to effectiveness of President.
Jimmy Carter
-wife: Rosalynn Carter - Had the sort of face that you can't help but put your dick into.
-relations: That down-south closet-porn star was fucking that shit nightly, I mean, who wouldn't?!
-presidency: Overall, he was considered a complete failure. Too busy fucking his wife.
Ronald Reagan
-wife: Nancy Reagan - not bad looking. not particularly good either. I'd have banged her tho.
-relations: The gipper was the oldest president, before the age of viagra. You do the math.
-presidency: The dude got shit done. Whether he was a success was besides the point, he got the russkies to back down even.
George HW Bush
-wife: Barbara Bush: The ugliest First Lady of the century. Driest vag this side of Texas.
-relations: Are you kidding? If my low-standards wouldn't have balled that bitch, why would the most powerful man in the world?!
-presidency: Kicked Saddam's ass. Didn't suck completely.
Bill Clinton
-wife: Hilary Clinton: Pantsuit notwithstanding, and despite the fact that she graduated from a Maine Township High School, I'd still make myself a "Chelsea" with that snapper.
-relations: It's pretty obvious that the bitch didn't put out so the prez had to find the occasional side panooch every couple years.
-presidency: Balanced the budget for the first time in decades, fucked a chick with a cigar and blew his load on her dress. Not bad for being sandwiched between 2 bushes.
George W Bush
-wife: Laura Bush: Schwing!
-relations: Dubya no doubt soiled the Lincoln bedroom with his dirty sex with that tail most nights of his 2 terms
-presidency: Do I even need to explain his suckage?
Barack Obama
-wife: Michelle Obama: Has the kind of body and swagger that would make a gay prison butch go straight...and stop committing crimes and rapes.
-relations: Haven't you seen the twinkle in blackpresident's eyes when he knows he's gonna stretch out that starfruit later?
-presidency: Buckled under pressure more than a fat man's belt.
hypothesis- approved.

johnny.random recommends: not eating fish tacos then playing hockey.
Seriously, trust me on this one.
At least spring for the beef ones for everyone else's sake.

"Come on dad, I ain't no runt
Come on girl, gimme your {twang}"
...Now that's good writing.
rhyming runt and cunt = totally 80s.

Challenge: "Wet Dreams" to "Conjugal visit" on the wiki in 11 steps
1. Spermatorrhea
2. Qi
3. Sanskrit
4. Migration hypothesis (redirects to Indo-Aryan migration)
5. BMAC (redirects to Bactria-Margiana Archaeological Complex)
6. Barley
7. Guns, Germs, and Steel
8. Syphilis
9. Men who have sex with men
10. Prison sexuality
11. Conjugal visits

is it just me or would it be awesome to go back in time and tell Jimi Hendrix to lay off the drugs? At least check his bisexual ass into rehab so he would be less dead in the 70s.

"Just take your lovely daughter and push her in a well"
Notice the quotes...
It's guaranteed to get your own place in hell.
So you should hang yourself in shame.

"When it's with me, you only need two minutes, because I'm so intense"
...and that's how babies are made.
The condom broke and she forgot to take her pill.
Obviously.

Holy warm Midwestern winter solstice, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "Don't you go ranting about that global warming nonsense, Boy Wonder, there shall be snow before we celebrate the birth of our lord and saviour."
To which Robin retorted: "Look at the forecast, dude, no snow! 40 degrees in Chicago!"
To which Batman lifted his pimp hand and backhanded a bitch.
Super Eminem entered, smelling of weed, and said "Bitches, gettin slapped? Can I get in on this?" Super Eminem noticed Robin crying with Batman's schlong still in his mouth, turned and left...later writing the number one song with a hidden message about respecting the privacy of the gays.

Fuck it, im moving to Iran. I shall revolt the people, disallow raping of women, and make medical marijuana legal. In that order.