What do I look like, a fuckin' ATM machine?

Have I mentioned that sweettarts have the same chemical compound as roofies? No? Good, because I'm kidding. kinda.

Johnny.Random's 4 random thoughts
1. when it was snowing last week, I died a little on the inside
2. i seriously need to stop sitting on my balls
3. switch ur girlfriend's/wife's eyeliner with a colored pencil. see if she notices.
4. they need to come up with a better way to deodorize public bathrooms.

The fluid of the day is BBQ sauce mixed with antelope saliva. Unless they don't have enough saliva, then just use albino moose saliva.

god came down to the middle east and said "Dudes, keep it down, I got a headache."

I wanted to use the phrase "enemy of the state" in a sentence.
ben stiller and jack black were massaging each other's anal g-spots when the prime enemy of the state, {insert director who shall not be named's name here}, walked in, blew up a helicopter waiting outside and forced them to kiss in slow motion during a car chase.
done.
If I ever get as predictable as him, slap me in the dick and make me have a threesome with billy bob thornton and a random dude who also looks like a homeless guy whom may or may not be a homeless guy. Please include the roofies, I do not want to remember that.

johnny.random's "captain obvious" statement of the day: "Devin Hester is ridiculous"

Rule 34 of the day - Nicole Kidman, Jessica Rabbit, and a younger version of Kyle MacLachlan (think Twin Peaks) chained to a wall with a ball-gag in his mouth. The dominatrix, of course, would be whoopi goldberg.
you're welcome for that mental picture.

moment of silence for Joe Paterno's tenure at Penn State
..
..
done.
and for the record, I hope he gets raped.
I'm not sayin, I'm just sayin.

Bucket List Addendum: volunteer to be the guy who gets to rape the female rapists once that becomes part of the legal system that I set up.
The trials will be quick.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "I really wish my puppy showed my other dog the joy he shows me. I'm sick of Griffin being an asshole to Dane. At least he doesn't try and rape him anymore."
Yes, dog-on-dog gay rape is funny until it happens to your dog.

speaking of unsolicited rape...I realized just now that despite the USA's affinity towards abhorring the metric system, we still use "Liter" as a unit of measurement for water and soda. We're weird. Stick with fluid ounces and gallon measurements, you jags.

I had a dream...I was on a balcony, playing juliet...in drag...and Natalie Portman was wooing me, as Romeo, also in drag (or reverse drag. pfft. whatever). Ke$ha slayed Romeo and kept trying to climb up my hair Rapunzel-style but it hurt like hell and my hair wasn't long enough.
It was weird.

Hi, I'm the guy who somewhat helped plan a surprise 60th birthday party for his father...and ur not.
notice I said "somewhat helped"

I googled on the google "dirty iPhone apps".
The results were less than satisfying.
I was hoping for something different, obviously.
don't judge me, I'm a guy. I have a pulse.

I blame...mini candy canes, whatever the opposite of bacon is, and my body's inability to process meat into a more palatable scent during digestion.

http://www.geekculture.com/joyoftech/
it's mostly sfw.

need an onionesque critique of something pop-culture related? call johnny!
need a sandwich containing at least meat and bread? call johnny!
need a cold shower because johnny is so damn hot? call johnny!
yes that's right! johnny is the hottest, digitally speaking! give him a call today for 5 free complimentary crop-dustings at your place of business! No request is too random!

if you could penetrate britney spears and/or lindsay lohan with a bottle of San Pellegrino , would you? I know, I know, it's less than a litre so they most definitely can get it up in there. But, remember, it is glass. With all those kegels ol' Fire Crotch is doing in prison, she can crack that shit up in her cooch. That would be interesting.

Ok, if the government is broke, half of China still lives in poverty, Greece is ready to be sold...where IS all the money?
My bad, it was my community college acting up.

Just remember, there's a time and a place for everything, including faking a cell phone call from your mom about your (already dead) grandfather going into surgery...to get out of a bad blowjob.

"It's time for Animaniacs and we're zany to the max"
File that under: One of those rare openings to a theme song that immediately made we want to enter the animation world as an anthropomorphized generic animal creature and do naughty things to a cast member of said animated television show.
Kidding. Kinda.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I still have an aversion to talking to moderately to mostly creepy guys. Of course, I can probably be categorized as such on occasion but I really don't want to even say hello to the molester-looking individuals that plague our nation's office buildings, megamalls, fast food drive thrus and middle schools.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is when I'm gonna get around to quitting smoking again. Again. Again. I'm pretty sure that my lungs prefer to not be raped by cancer, so sooner rather than later is probably a good idea.

There's 312,690,273 people in the United States...and roughly 3800 wallmarts.
Based on the number of people I ran into over an hour in wallmart on black friday, I can estimate that at least 8,000 people shopped there.
Since my wallmart is "average size", I can then extrapolate that at least 30.4 million people shopped at wallmart on black friday, 9.72% of the population.
I'd say that's not bad, and that I'm probably underestimating.
...and the credit card companies shall commence the expanded financial rape of the unwashed masses in ...3...2...1...

johnny.random recommends: washing your balls every once and a while.
the nerf ones.
You sick fucks.

"I want to see a much greater effort out there. I don't just want harder hits, I want major felonies."
...Now that's good writing.
Name that quote and instant vault to level awesome in my book.

Challenge: "Pedophilia" to "Capital Punishment" on the wiki in 11 steps
1. ICD-10
2. V01-Y98 (Redirects to: ICD-10 Chapter XX: External causes of morbidity and mortality)
3. Systemic antibiotics (Redirects to: Antibacterial)
4. Surgical wound (Redirects to: Surgery)
5. Fistula
6. Anal fistula
7. Flatus (Redirects to: Flatulence)
8. Flammable (Redirects to: Flammability)
9. United States
10. reinstated the death penalty (Redirects to: Gregg v. Georgia)
11. death penalty (Redirects to: Capital punishment)

is it just me or was that singing of the national anthem @ the Bears game in oakland the 3rd worst rendition of said song in history?

"and then I'll fucking fuck you discreetly"
Notice the quotes...
...but then I'm gonna fuck you hard.
Not sayin, just sayin.

"hands on your knees, hands on your knees"
...and that's how babies are made.
...whilst said song is playing at many reception hall coat check rooms and upon baby changing tables, ironically.
Not during the "everybody clap your hands" part, though.

Holy snow in November, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "Boy Wonder, That's what those heathens get for worshiping the god of money"
to which Robin wet his pants out of frustration.
Batman went to get the pacifier for him and changed his diaper as Super Eminem entered, smelling of weed, carrying an old-school boombox on his shoulder. Seeing the scene in front of him, Super Eminem sighed, smoked some more weed, wrote a rap about potty training, smoked some more, and took a nap.
The rap, of course, was later overdubbed with Rihanna saying something sexy in the chorus and hit #1.

Fuck it, im moving to a country that has capital punishment for boy rapers. Well, at least one that gets creative with it, like chopping off ding-dongs and such.