That's a no-win situation, dude

Have I mentioned that I actually do think I'm meant for greatness? Like, ruler of the world greatness. The problem is no one else thinks I'm great. The world would be so awesome if everyone just followed me blindly, ya know? Giving orders and shit just isn't my style, I guess people just have to know what I want...and do that. Keep in mind that I have imagination...and that's WAY more relevant than facts. Facts. pfft.

Johnny.Random's 4 random thoughts
1. jizz lobster.
2. I've never known a dude whom hath peed himself with laughter.
3. If you look up Lady Gaga's feminine measurements, you may notice that she's short and has a nice set of Italian birthing hips.
4. now with 98% more beef taint! [Ed. Disturbing.]

god came down to japan and said "my bad, dudes, I meant to hit california with that".

I wanted to use the phrase "pants-shittingly awesome" in a sentence.
A video depicting Kathy Ireland doing anything whilst nude, including having sex, would be pants-shittingly awesome.
done.
See? I got this.

johnny.random's "captain obvious" statement of the day: "Wayne Gretzky: would have been the greatest black hockey player ever, had he been black"
yeah i stole the quote from The Onion. I love them. Like, WAY more than I love Charlize Theron and Zooey Deschanel COMBINED.
Nevermind, I just had a mental picture of the two of them together and there's no way The Onion can top that.

fuck me with a hot dog bun.
[Ed. Bun?]
cuz fucking me with a hot dog would be gay. or something.
[Ed. You're so gay.]
Ass.

One of the high-ranking lamas went into Steven Spielberg's office to pitch his idea for a dramedy about the transcendental hijinks of his fellow Buddhist Monks.
he was naked, of course, and sat on the floor, chanting his mantra "Hakuna Matata" over and over again. Richard Gere entered, also naked, of course, and sat next to the lama - his mantra was the full uncensored version of 'Gerbil' - by Stephen Lynch. Mice that were living in Steven Spielberg's desk ran to the window and committed suicide. Johnny Depp entered, clothed from the waist up as Captain Jack Sparrow (with full makeup), with Orlando Bloom ball valet-ing his uncannily tan scrotum. Johnny Depp began singing his favourite pirates song, 'Pirates', by Emerson, Lake & Palmer. Whilst singing, he unveiled a paint palette with different shades of brown, that you may correctly assume that contained different flavours of Johnny Depp's own brand of brown. He began painting the naked bodies of the high ranking lama and Richard Gere in different shades of stink. Orlando Bloom tossed his cookies a few times into Richard Gere's lap. About 4 and a half hours later, Steven Spielberg cut them off, asking both what it was called, and if there was an ending anywhere in sight.
Depp responded, "the aristocrats!", pulled out a pirate-themed pistol, shot the lama and Richard Gere, nodded to his ball valet, and left.

moment of silence for my longing for a simpler time, say, 1995
..
..
done.
yeah, ace ventura 2, braveheart, mellon collie and the infinite sadness and junior year of high school can suck my dicks. 2011 is where it's at, bitches! ((FC. It is a coincidence that the phrase "where it's at" is also from 1995.)) Dude, come on. It was on purpose. ((FC. It was not on purpose.))

Bucket List Addendum: create a clone of yourself. have sex with it. drink some scotch.
in that order.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "Me want Lexus CTh. Buy me it nao! not in silver or white, tho. 42 mpg make johnny go something something"

speaking of jewish heavy metal bands...all the wisconsin political crap has got me thinking...there's probably a few hermaphrodites in the illinois state senate. Well, at least a governor in illinois is a hermaphrodite. Or he has fucked a hermaphrodite. Or he has known a hermaphrodite, like maybe his ex-wife or both of his sons. Or maybe he just wears women's panties. Yeah.

I had a dream...that I was at a club with Katy Perry and I get up to take a piss. BJ Novak (from The Office) is in there and wont let me leave the bathroom until I look at his dick and tell him if the sores he has are herpes. I, obviously, don't want to look at his dick so after numerous attempts of flashing me his dick, I beat him to death with a toilet seat, then go make sweet afternoon delight with Katy Perry.
It was weird.

Hi, I'm the guy who didn't have sex with that girl on top of a fire truck ...and ur not.
Um, wait.
Yeah.
Maybe I'm the multidimensional entity currently traveling thru a finite number of dimensions...and ur not.

I googled on the imagesGoogle "blackhawks ice crew"
It was thrilling, to say the least. It was odd to actually sit close enough to see cleavage tho. Good thing I'm awesome at hiding my boners.
Kidding. Kinda.

I blame that chick on aeon flux that has hands instead of feet...the geo metro...and the impending Lingerie Football League lockout ((FC. At least one of the aforementioned blamed entities does not exist.))

http://thereifixedit.failblog.org/
but don't go onto real failblog, it's lame.

What is the youngest age?
What is the youngest age child that you would punch in the face?
What is the youngest age child that you would punch in the face for no reason?
What is the youngest age child that you would punch in the face for no reason except for the unmitigated assumption that said child did unspeakable things to your house pets?
BTW, I was going to cross the line in sentence 5, but I decided not to.
The answer is 15.
Or 42. I forget.

if you could penetrate britney spears and/or lindsay lohan with 20 dudes in a conga line, would you? Well, first you gotta spread out the dicks.

DRILL, BABY, DRILL!!!1
My bad, it was my community college acting up. That certainly doesn't explain why I see 8 or 9 people post the same thing as a comment to every single gasbuddy.com article. People whom drive overpriced SUVs with the Eddie Bauer package, I bet.

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...Pisces: Today, when your power is out, Jenny Hendrix will break into your house and became impregnated by your dog, which doesn't happen to be a dog, but a human-ish shapeshifter from the future. She will get pissed cuz she is whoring herself to the dog for money for meth but the dog wont pay. Something about not having thumbs and his wallet being in his other pair of fur. She will take your dvd player. Don't press charges tho, or she'll sue your dog for rape.
If you don't have a dog, today is gonna suck, you fucking cat lover.

"I'll suck your dick for a chimichanga!"
File that under: Things that I never have heard outside an El Famous Burrito, yet suspect someday I may hear outside an El Famous Burrito.

One thing I'm really glad about is that Neil Patrick Harris used to fuck chicks. You know, cuz my childhood would seem so much different-er if the sitcom doctor that which I was nicknamed after just happened to take man-pole in his mouth as a teenager. [Ed. Johnny Doogie has been known to crave man-pole.] No. Ass.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if men and/or women still pleasure themselves to sports illustrated swimsuit issue pictures of Kathy Ireland. I think it's kinda ironic that she's like super-like-all into god and stuff yet she's caused untold amounts of ejaculate to be wasted upon sticky pages of sports illustrated swimsuit issues. It would be less ironic if the bible says teenage boys aren't supposed to father children or something. I didn't read that far so, whatever.
Yeah.

There's 6,905,154,427 people in the world...
At least 51% of those people don't belong to a psychedelic street gang. That's 3,521,628,757 people.
Of the people who aren't in a psychedelic street gang, at least 51% of those people don't wear hemp clothing. That's 1,796,030,666 people.
Of the people who aren't in a psychedelic street gang and don't wear hemp clothing, at least .001% of those people are in denial about their desire to wear hemp clothing and/or join a psychedelic street gang. That's 17,960 people.
That would be a pretty formidable stinky and tripping band of hooligans.
We should be worried.

johnny.random recommends: (men): Do something completely awful (like calling ur girlfriend a vaginal cum dumpster cunt) so that you are called a shallow selfish douchenozzle. (women): Call your man a shallow selfish douchenozzle - you don't need a reason, in fact, he'll probably laugh.

"i don't really like politics so much as i like arguing with people who are too stupid to know their opinions are wrong"
...Now that's good writing
That pretty much sums me up.

Challenge: "Spacetime" to "Unknown unknown" on the wiki in 9 steps
1. Muons (redirects to "Muon")
2. Lamb shift
3. Microwave
4. Less-than-lethal (redirects to "Non-lethal weapon")
5. Pain compliance
6. Plausible deniability
7. Aesopian language
8. Doublespeak
9. Unknown unknown (redirects to "There are known knowns")

is it just me or would the "foot fuckers" scene on Weeds been totally less awesome if it was his foot fucking a butthole instead of the panooch?

"You people voted for Hubert Humphrey, and you killed jesus. "
Notice the quotes...
it's a little rarer a quote than usual. good luck.

"the gravedigger puts on the forceps"
...and that's how babies are made.
well, maybe not those words specifically, but I bet the singer of said words has been known to moisten the ladies.

Holy superimposed pictures of sarah palin's head on Wonder Woman's body, Batman!
To which Batman printed the pictures and said: "I'm gonna go 'poop'" (air quotes are implied but were not actually acted by the one known as Batman...we can assume Batman was referring to masturbation).
Robin, of course, continued searching for the Batman-horsecock photoshoppes that Super Eminem put on the internets as part of a flamewar that he and Batman were engaged in. Batman had previously released the off-color rap titled "Dre Raped You" (parody of "We Made You").
Surely, there will be gunplay in the near future with this rap-battle in West Gotham.

Fuck it, im moving to a luxury automobile. Fuck houses. My back would probably feel better if I slept in the backseat of a brand new Cadillac DTS.
So yeah.
I'm moving there.