Do you have a dorsal fin?

Have I mentioned that I don't approve of Natalie Portman's pregnancy? I don't. I have higher standards for my public starlets. I mean, a choreographer? Dude. Even a bloated washed up Val Kilmer would be a better source of sperm than a choreographer. I'd keep going but I was reminded that she shares a birth date (yes, even the same year) as my brother. So, that being said, and the outside chance that somehow she's a long-lost twin of my brother, I want to have sex with her just a tiny bit less.
Yeah.

Johnny.Random's 4 random thoughts
1. Numerologists are cumming today. well, at 8:11 PM in military time, there'll probably be cum on keyboards. Not mine though. That's sick.
2. Assassins shouldn't get the death penalty, they should be forced to fuck themselves to death.
3. Polytheistic mythology/religion is so much more entertaining than monotheistic ones.
4. i haven't licked jamie lee curtis's clitphallus. yet.

god came down to the middle east and said "dude, that's not how i created the universe, quit telling it that way. ass."
to whom he was speaking, I'm not sure, but i laffed. god also referenced the -if there's no god, then how does color exist- argument and claimed he created color as well.
science. pfft.

I wanted to use the phrase "dick cancer" in a sentence.
Will Ferrell was massaging John C. Reilly's prostate whilst both were naked and Reilly kept pulling at Will's free hand to massage his private parts but Will Ferrell said "Stop, Dick! Cancer is serious and you gotta wait until I check your prostate."
done.

fuck me with a pair of lederhosen. Just make sure they're clean, ok...and that the girl administering said lederhosen is donned in dirndl

Richard Gordon went into Steven Spielberg's office to pitch his idea for a movie based on the Apollo 12 space launch.
He was naked, of course, and began demonstrating how a zero-g masturbatory episode would occur. He told Steven to hold the picture of Playboy Playmate DeDe Lind at about eye level. "Ok, now hold it steady. Ur playing the role of Pete Conrad" He told him as he ran across the room to get his other props, all the while making spaceship sound effects like *beep* and *psssht* (the air supply noise for all you noobs) He began alternating with keeping himself hard and shooting various semen-colored liquids and gels towards Spielberg, always cumming up short. He was beginning to get frustrated. "What the heck, the cum is supposed to *squirt* thru the air, float across the flight deck and *splat* your face!" Spielberg lowered the picture away from his face, Gordon immediately noticed the picture was lowered, giggling: "HAH! I get to bust on ur face! you moved the picture Pete!"...and began 'swimming' from one side of the office to the other in mock-zero-g (all the while in standard-g, mind you). He then released into Spielberg's face. He was not amused but still asked what the name of the movie was to be.
"the aristocrats!"
Spielberg pointed to the door: "GET OUT! We've had enough of your space crap! I don't know what's worse, you or Hawking always pitching these lame zero-g masturbation stories then blowing your jizz in my face!"
Gordon cowered and covered his manparts as he inched out of the room crying, saying "but I'm an astronaut. I'm smart. Why don't people respect me. fucking neil armstrong."

moment of silence for the Oregon Ducks and the PAC-10 thinking they can compete with the juggernaut that is the SEC.
....
done.
Oh, and someone please tell every male redneck cocksucker in the Matthews family that barbers and Great Clips exist. Unless that is what their buttlovers yank on when they're getting it from behind, then I guess they can keep the hippie hair.

Bucket List Addendum: learn how to draw. but only learn how to draw molecules viewed through a microscope. from memory. yeah.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "Snow. Pfft. Call me when it's raining frozen fish tacos (not a euphemism - nor a Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs reference), then I'll be impressed."

speaking of legitimately tactful responses to the death penalty argument...I'd really like opec and canada to fuck our country, petroleum speaking. I would be so impressed if someone actually stood up to the United States of Consumers. it would be so fun to hear the shit spewing from the retard masses. we whine like little bitches when we can't fill up our ford pickup trucks (new-22mpghwy) ,ford explorers (new- 25 mpghwy) or hummer (h3- new 18mpghwy) for under $200. Here's an idea...wake the fuck up and quit crying. We have among the lowest gas prices in the world because we're the largest demand in the world. We have the collective power to end the entire world's dependence on oil and still choose some of the most inefficient models...and yes I'm aware I'm a hypocrite, I just don't have the money to blow on a new car right now so suck my dicks.

Hi, I'm a food artisan and food consumer of epic proportions... and ur not.
Think I'm not, when's the last time you ate two 1/2# burgers in one sitting?
That's right, back off, bitchticles.

I googled on the imagesGoogle "Willa Ford"...even with safesearch on strict, you will be pleasantly pleased.
And if that's not motivation to shave your balls, then turn in your mancard. now.

I blame oral copulation...neil diamond...and fidel castro's ass cancer.

I had a brain.
I had a brain but it got corrupted.
I had a brain but it got corrupted by booze.
I had a brain but it got corrupted by booze and I forgot what else.
I had a brain but it got corrupted by booze and I forgot what else so I must be a genius to have forgotten all the bad stuff.
I had a brain but it got corrupted by booze and I forgot what else so I must be a genius to have forgotten all the bad stuff so worship me, I am your god.
I had a brain but it got corrupted by booze and I forgot what else so I must be a genius to have forgotten all the bad stuff so worship me, I am your god and I demand that you sacrifice all of your heathenly celebrity idols to me.
I had a brain but it got corrupted by booze and I forgot what else so I must be a genius to have forgotten all the bad stuff so worship me, I am your god and I demand that you sacrifice all of your heathenly celebrity idols to me whilst I masturbate upon their corpses that are drenched in blood and body organs.
I had a brain but it got corrupted by booze and I forgot what else so I must be a genius to have forgotten all the bad stuff (except for the constant verbal abuse and self-loathing that I experienced for nearly 25 years of my life) so worship me, I am your god and I demand that you sacrifice all of your heathenly celebrity idols (including the pure ones whom haven't sinned at all - including Natalie Portman) to me whilst I masturbate upon their corpses that are drenched in blood and slap-chopped pieces of body organs and/or watch with a bored stare whilst I play with my rubik's cube and get fellated by 3 64-year-old nuns dressed as the virgin mary whom are all required to have cross-shaped phalluses embedding into their orifices whilst performing said fellatio.
BTW, I crossed the line at sentence 8...and kept going.
unfriending on facebook shall ensue.

http://io9.com/5350525/thirteen-rules-for-making-a-mutant
self explanatory. sfw. and yes, im watching heroes again.

if you could penetrate britney spears and/or lindsay lohan with the island of Oahu, would you? You'll need to give them a few weeks to stretch out the vag. Oahu is pretty big.

men shouldn't be able to cum embryos. I'll explain. women would be only the womb & nutrition. guys would shoot a fertilized egg up in there instead of semen. abortions would go up 500% in the first 2 months of this ability.
My bad, it was my community college acting up.

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...Leo: god might actually be listening to you today. pray to god today and you may or may not be disappointed tomorrow.

"Throw frogs into a pot of boiling water, and they’ll make a frantic effort to escape. But place them in a pot of tepid water, turn the heat on, and the frogs sit complacently in the pot, and because the gradual change in temperature never seems alarming, are boiled to death."
File that under: things sick psychopaths say in biology class.
I was gonna say it would go in the pretty accurate analogy of the american people file...but i didn't. kinda.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I've never had sex whilst listening to Depeche Mode. By myself or otherwise.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is why the world willingly auditorily consumes limp bizkit and nine inch nails and linkin park's fake angst and thinks it's genuine and good music. fake angst pisses me off. get some real angst or get off the fucking radio

There's 311,874,043 people in the United States...
If a plague or the flu or some shit wiped out 99% of the population, That's 3,118,740 people.
That's about 1,559,370 of each gender.
Yet, if I were lucky enough to survive, there are not odds to predict how many of those not killed by a fatal virus will be ugly crack whores...or my likelihood of only crack whores being in my vicinity with the purpose of repopulating the decimated country.
Methinks I'd still do a crack whore if such were the case.
Yeah.

johnny.random recommends: never put your baby in an oven. ever.
...and if you were thinking about doing such a thing, I have a few websites that show how to give testicular torsion that I can act out with you.

"Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed."
Now that's good writing
And no, it wasn't Marx who said it, it was 5-Star General and President Dwight D. Eisenhower...a republican.
Suck it.

Challenge: "Great Lakes Storm of 1913" to "Cataclysm will take place on December 21, 2012" on the wiki in 11 steps
1. Lake Huron
2. Chinook salmon
3. Toxins (redirects to Toxin)
4. Monosodium glutamate
5. Tortilla chips (redirects to Tortilla chip)
6. Mexican food (redirects to Mexican cuisine)
7. Mayan cuisine (redirects to Maya cuisine)
8. Maya mythology
9. Maya civilization
10. Maya calendar
11. Cataclysm will take place on December 21, 2012 (redirects to 2012 phenomenon)
I'm not sayin, I'm just sayin.

is it just me or would having a gold cock be fucking awesome? fuck skin. i want to have a dick attached to my body made of solid gold.

"Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?"
Notice the quotes...
not that I needed to say "notice the quotes", for I have a male sexual organ and lesbianism in its proper definition, would not include any references to male sexual organs, unless I was being used as simply a phallus.
Why I explained, I don't know. fuck it.

"Ah shit, she's got a fat ass."
...and that's how babies are made.

Holy quasi-religious zealots blocking the exit to the batcave, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "No worries, Boy Wonder, we're going to a rally"
To which Robin asked: "a rally? will there be rainbows involved?"
To which Batman angrily said: "NO! your marriages will not be recognized! dirty sodomites!"
Batman gruffly grabbed Robin and tied him up, dragging him to the rally.
The news the next morning hadn't yet identified the body left in the park...but these reader(s) know the story.
Super Eminem?
Oh, he was busy. He has a legit alibi, don't worry.

Fuck it, im moving to the middle east in the very early first century...then film the "virgin" mary (whom I suspect wasn't the most attractive mother in Israel) getting banged...then come back and put that shit on the internets.
odd. i can hear people unsubscribing and unfriending me on facebook.
Must be the technopathy.