Might I say good riddance

Have I mentioned that my self-loathing level peaked around December 15th, 2010? It has. Maybe now I can work on kissing my own ass more frequently. Also, I've decided to not write any fart jokes, political jokes and buttsex jokes at least until 2011. Sorry if you were looking forward to those.

Johnny.Random's 4 random thoughts
1. The plural form of mouse is mice, which is cool. But mice suck more than mouse.
2. Sex is underrated by people who don't get it enough. Either that or they're no good at it and shouldn't reproduce.
3. If you robbed Fort Knox of a double buttload of gold then traveled back in time to ancient Greek times, you could buy Athens or something.
4. I'm glad I'm not famous. yet.

god came down to the middle east and said "dude. What are you doing? The calendar that we use in HEAVEN is WAY different. It's like March right now."

I wanted to use the phrase "menstrual blood" in a sentence.
Women have what we call 'periods' during which men dislike having sex with women because their primary sexual orifice is doused with menstrual blood or something.
done.

fuck me with a book of fart jokes.
just use lube.
man dude, this passage is really getting ridiculous.

johnny cash's ghost went into Steven Spielberg's office to pitch his idea for a biopic about his life as a music star.
he was naked, of course. Steven cut him off and told him they already made a movie about him, and it was actually pretty good. So, the ghost went up to Spielberg's desk muttering "goddamn fucking joaquin phoenix, that fucking hack."...took a ghost shit on the desk, grabbing his ghost guitar and saying "the aristocrats!" as he left.
Don't worry, Peter Venkman cleaned it up.

moment of silence for my old flood gate valve that was plugging up my entire sewer line.
....
done.
I saw corn, btw.

Bucket List Addendum: Figure out which chemical imbalance I have thru self-diagnosis.
Notice I didn't say anything about self-medicating said chemical imbalance. I just wanna know why I desire to eat lion meat so badly.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "ok. it's 50 degrees today. I guess I'll start looking tomorrow to find cities that rarely experience frozen precipitation. I laughed at the snow when it was melting. fuck snow."

speaking of candy canes...methinks it's about time that I set the record straight.
You know, the white album. It was in my trunk and got warped a little. How do you straighten it?

Hi, I'm still a fan of Chevy Chase and Robert Downey Jr... and ur not. Well maybe you are. Iron Man 2 voided my heterosexual man-crush on Downey Jr tho. And ruined my belief that Sam Rockwell had artistic integrity.

I googled on the imagesGoogle "Michelle Ryan eyes"
It's ok, safe search was on. Nothing kinky except her pics with sideboob. She's got nice eyes. and a man-chin. and a set of female-sized breasts.

I blame Lolcode...Lasers...and automatic flushing toilets.
For everything.

Geena Davis used to be hot.
Geena Davis used to be hot and is actually a smart chick.
Geena Davis used to be hot and is actually a smart chick, kinda like Richard Dreyfus is actually a smart dude.
Geena Davis used to be hot and is actually a smart chick, kinda like Richard Dreyfus is actually a smart dude, so they should fuck.
Geena Davis used to be hot and is actually a smart chick, kinda like Richard Dreyfus is actually a smart dude, so they should fuck and create super hot super smart awesome actor babies.
Geena Davis used to be hot and is actually a smart chick, kinda like Richard Dreyfus is actually a smart dude, so they should fuck and create super hot super smart awesome actor babies unless they are actually first cousins.
Geena Davis used to be hot and is actually a smart chick, kinda like Richard Dreyfus is actually a smart dude, so they should fuck and create super hot super smart awesome actor babies unless they are actually first cousins, but even if that's the case they should move to Mississippi and fuck.
Geena Davis used to be hot and is actually a smart chick, kinda like Richard Dreyfus is actually a smart dude, so they should fuck and create super hot super smart awesome actor babies unless they are actually first cousins, but even if that's the case they could move to Mississippi and fuck because who cares down there if two moderately attractive and talented people fuck, it is after all, Mississippi, the land where the first cousins that do marry are most likely the offspring of incest in the first place, i mean if you're into uncle fucking and stuff like that, Mississippi is the place to be, so why not let Richard Dreyfus's hairy saggy balls flop against Geena Davis's used up wrinkly vagina lips, whom will more than likely pop out a retard anyways cuz she's like 50something years old and old Richard's got that curdled semen so they probably couldn't conceive in the first place unless they used Carrie Underwood's uterus to carry the baby, just so long as you're sure to get that mental picture of Richard Dreyfus's sweaty hog porking Carrie Underwood whilst Geena Davis watches and gets manually masturbated by a dyke that looks like justin bieber (or may actually be justin bieber).
BTW, I crossed the line at sentence 7...and kept going.
Ew. Mental picture bad.

http://www.widro.com/throwpaper.html
there ya go, suck some time.

if you could penetrate britney spears and/or lindsay lohan with Mr. T.'s shaven mohawk circa the early 80s, would you?
Or should I say How would you?
Discuss.

I lied, I don't know the value of pi to 14 places. I ate pie at 14 places.
My bad, it was my community college acting up.

johnny.random's random (w)horoscope...Capricorn: If you were born on the cusp of a new year, your parents had sex on or around April 10th of the previous year. Figure out what special event occurred on that evening. Picture them fucking. By reading this (w)horoscope, you are now scarred.
You're welcome for the self-fulfilling prophecy.

"the lawmakers who are making you afraid of government administered health insurance ALL HAVE GOVERNMENT ADMINISTERED HEALTH INSURANCE."
File that under: Yeah I know I wouldn't do a politics joke til next year but I couldn't help it, so suck my bag of dicks.

One thing I'm really glad about is that common fashion excludes the term "slacks" in referring to dress pants. That word pissed me off. Fuck slacks. Fuck words. Fuck language. Fuck autotune. Fuck autoerotic asphyxiation. Fuck breathing. Fuck lungs. Fuck lung fish. Fuck fish. Fuck seafood. Fuck the sea. Fuck the c-word. Fuck pussies. Fuck dane cook. Fuck cooking. Fuck taco bell. Fuck bells. Fuck whistles. Fuck skin flutes. Fuck music. Fuck metabolism. Fuck metal. Fuck iron ore. Fuck irony. Fuck slackjawed yokels wearing american flag tshirts. Fuck slacks.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is who would be on my team if I was on Family Fued. Well, I wouldn't want to leave anyone smart out, but it would be epically cool to fail epically on tv in the style of chunky menstrual blood.

There's 6,890,646,438 people in the world...
About 92% of the people in the world don't use facebook and/or don't give a shit about facebook. That's 6,339,294,722 people.
Yet...Time magazine thought it would be a good idea to name the founder their 'man of the year'
In my words: (Time < menstrual blood)

johnny.random recommends: Getting a DVD burner. Buy a shit load of blank DVDs. Burn a shit load of porn. Mail said porn to sarah palin. laff.

"Bjork slapped you, then kissed you, then fucked your brains out, then wrote a breakup note on your bathroom mirror with her menstrual blood."
Now that's good writing

Challenge: "Nanorobotics" to "Jesus" on the wiki in 9 steps
1. Grey goo
2. Michael Crichton
3. Sexual harassment
4. Groper (redirects to Groping)
5. Groping allegations against Arnold Schwarzenegger (redirects to Arnold Schwarzenegger)
6. Special Olympics
7. George W. Bush
8. Jesus Day
9. Jesus
and no, that's not an invitation to get creationism in schools.

is it just me or would it be awesome to write in cursive whilst you type. The don't have a good font for cursive writing last time I checked, though, like 16 years ago.

"Nobody wants to see a movie about adolf fucking hitler"
Notice the quotes...
good thing Tarantino didn't go with his original script then.

"Here it is, my own little beaver trap."
...and that's how babies are made.

Holy ugly guys messaging me, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "Boy Wonder, you have got to stop it with those shady dating sites."
To which Robin retorted: "But I'm sooooo horny. Once you stopped putting out, I've been like a sex criminal."
To which Batman replied: "Yeah...about that. I meant to tell you the cops are looking for you. I think you should stay in for the holiday tonight."
Robin was aroused: "Orly. Are you going to keep me company."
Batman turned awkwardly as Super Enimem entered, smelling of weed, with Ambien tablets, lube and Magnum condoms.
He shut the door, so one can only imagine how they are celebrating the new year's holiday.

Fuck it, im moving to prison. I'm not gonna commit a crime or something. I'm just gonna move there. No more buying clothes, sheets or food. Easy life. Well, except for the buttrape.
Nevermind.