Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I will kick you repeatedly in the balls

Have I mentioned that I'm a fan of heat? I like when it's hot. I like watching kids cry when their ice cream melts too fast. I like when the weather is the opposite of frozen precipitation. I like when, if I'm sitting out in the sun, I can watch sweat bead up on my forearms and roll down in droplets and forming a pool underneath my elbow. If Chicago in the summer were a theoretical orifice, I'd totally fuck it.

I wanted to use the phrase "mmmm, Katy Perry's boobs" in a sentence.
Done.

"You tried your best and failed miserably, the lesson is, never try."
"trying is the first step towards failure"
"facts are meaningless. you could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!"
"We can outsmart those dolphins. Don't forget -- we invented computers, leg warmers, bendy straws, peel-and-eat shrimp, the glory hole AND the pudding cup"
Homer Simpson was a smart, smart man.

So today is "Michael Jackson"-suckfest day. The suckfest started yesterday when he died. Boo fuckin hoo. Sure, he was an astronomical influence upon our culture but dudes, seriously, his body aint even cold & stiff yet. And seriously, network news, are you that starved for actual news that you're eulogizing a fucking pop star a mere hours after he was confirmed to actually be taking a dirt nap? I hope he comes back Thriller-style and eats their brains. [Ed. ...and rape their children.] Yeah. That. [Ed. What? Too soon?]

so yesterday i was pondering something about music whilst driving without the air conditioning on. Now, I don't know rap. I'm a suburban white dude [Ed. ...also a pussy], obviously I haven't faced the dilemmas and hardships of inner city nor the creativity to splice clips illegally from classic rock & funk & soul artists into a coherent background upon which to mouth words pertaining to marijuana, bitches, my mom, gangs, pimpin, my crazy ex-wife, drinking, spending all my money after I become popular on gold, diamonds and grills, fucking, cars, dancing, lack of respect or politics. Where was I? Orite, I was comparing the music of outkast, beastie boys and eminem. All of which are not really rap, persay, but of the rap aspects of their music, in comparison of these three groups, eminem had the best hooks, big boi was by far the best rapper, outkast in general had the most diverse background samples from track to track but the beastie boys were definitely the most unique lyrically. Please remember that I don't know shit about shit, so disregard [Ed. ...he sucks cocks]

So I was looking for naked pictures on google images of female musicians that came up on my pandora radio. I'm silly like that.
The band the pixies came up so I googled it.
I got a DataSet that was mind bogglingly awesome in so many ways.
That's sort of thing you find when you google "naked pixies". I was hoping for something different, obviously. For some reason, I wasn't disappointed.

I'm playing in a softball tournament tomorrow that is raising money for breast cancer research. It's in morton grove. Look it up on teh internets & donate & stuff. There are very few charities/causes that I support. Autism, yes, because it's so fucked up, I mean, have you seen kids with autism? Donate clothes to the homeless, yes, people shouldn't die because they don't have a coat in January, even if they're Drinky McDrinkypants who talks to hisself. Breast Cancer, yes, breasts should not get cancer. Breast cancer is proof that there is no god. Lung cancer from smoking, I can understand, but the tits, really? Why put cancer THERE? Shit, I just realized an arguement that there IS a god. Men worship tits, and thats a sin, to worship other gods in a blashphemous way...So god gives them cancer. That doesn't explain ugly chicks with A cups getting cancer though. Ok, I change my mind, there is no god. because of breast cancer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlrX3bwQ2rk
We'll get back to this topic in a later passage. Enjoy it anyways. Kubrick, you rock.

btw, they mayan calendar runs out in 2012, which means the world is gonna end. or something. but you know me, i say fuck the mayans they're nearly obsolete for a reason, micropenii , i assume. Regardless, their calendar is, by implied obsolescence, also obsolete.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I always win in arguements that require logical fallacies. I am quite good at being illogical. If any of you follow this blog regularly [Ed. Yeah, the whopping 4 of you] dude, really? You interrupt my passage about logical fallacies to point out that like 4 people read this blog. harsh. [Ed. You're a fucking pussy] fuck you.









[Ed. writer(s)? You there?]





[Ed. Helllllooooooo??]






[Ed. Okok, I'm sorry] Apology accepted. You still suck. [Ed. ...and you're still a pussy. Now go home and get your fucking shinebox] fuck. you. asshole. [Ed. Well I'm rubber and you're glue so everything I say bounces off of me and hits you so YOU'RE an asshole.] wow. childish much? I hope you get fired. [Ed. They can't fire me, I'm tenured, FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK COCK PUSSY ASS TITS BLOWJOB BLOWJOB PUSSSSSSSSSSSSY!] Thanks for the allcaps, ass. [Ed. Just get back to work, faggot] I'm rubber and you're [Ed. work. now. faggot] jesusdamnit.

"Let this be a sermon, I mean everything I've said
Baby I'm determined and I'd rather see you dead"
okok, Harrison, did you write this one? Orite, ur dead too.

I wonder if gun manufacturers make a "suicide gun", you know, one gun, one chamber, one bullet capacity, not too big as to scare away the emo kids who are suiciding because they're big, walking, whiney panooches [Ed. ie. the writer(s) at johnny.random], and enough firepower to blow out the back of a skull and spray brain matter upon the hindside of the suicider. If they don't make it, they should. Not that I encourage suicide, [Ed. only for stupid people] but methinks that would be a fairly efficient method. [Ed. and methinks you should make yourself one of those.] Editor, if I could kill you, I would. [Ed. but you can't because you're a big, walking whiney panooch] jesusdamnit.

is it just me or is megan fox like the hottest woman since the invention of women? She's probably gonna look like gary busey when she's 40 tho, so enjoy it while it lasts, dudes

"No computer stands in my way, only blood can cancel my pain"
Notice the quotes...and bonus points if you're not my parents and know what song and which impression of the song it is from.

Holy, my editor has three dicks in his mouth at the same time, Batman! [Ed. touche, writer(s). respect++;]

Fuck it, im moving to somewheres in central america.
All this talk of mayan stuff and megan fox have led me to the obvious combination of the two, latina panooch.
So exotic.
Yeah, central america.

I never slept in satan's bed

Have I mentioned that I support PETA? I do, just not with money or wanting people to stop killing innocent animals. I just want them to show sexy commercials on television wherein models wearing nothing but pasties and stiletto heels make out with vegetables to show their fondness for healthy food. Yeah.

I wanted to use the phrase "I will poop on my credit report" in a sentence.
Done.

headline: Obama offers olive branch of 'respect' to Middle East...tl;dr...but methinks it went something like this...Blackpresident made international news yesterday when he performed oral, ocular, anal, spinal, and vaginal intercourse with 13 Arabian virgin princesses whilst condomless, much to the pleasure of their bethroned princes, who watched silently in the shadows and masterbated. The Middle East rejoiced that the most powerful man (besides Chuck Norris) in the world would share his outstandingly long "olive branch" with its fine female specimens in order to respectfully advance the human race towards a most perfect future world leader...oh, and firstblacklady seems to look less like a man, and took each of the saudi royal family into her willing orifi.

So today is the 9th of June. The date of birth of a number of individuals, including such famous people as my brother and others. And by others, I mean I don't feel like looking up anyone else. johnny.random wishes Dan the Man, pots and pans, a very happy 28th birthday. 28? Is that right. hmmm '81...yep, I'm not completely fucked up mathematically. Happy Birthday, Dude.

Tomorrow is the eclipse of the first month. Eclipse is probably a poor word choice, but, suck it. I will continue to be without doodoo sticks and will continue to take excedrin like candy and will continue to have unbridled orgasms upon engine blocks and will continue to gaze longingly at stuffed pizza whilst drooling upon a man-bib and will continue to dislike u2 and will continue to not watch the Chicago White Sux until March of 2010. Yes, I said it. White Sux.

Devil: "Now, I suggest that you grab that portrait tonight. If it stays there too long, Fitzgerald will show up and reclaim it, and more people will die."
Sam: "Since when did you care if people got killed?"
Devil: "I don't. Good call."

I find it utterly amazing that so many facets of our government are hypcritical, both domestically and internationally. Both sides accuse the other of unconstitutionality and the US is just fucked and assbackwards when it comes to following international rules and treatise. Thusly, I'm officially coming out of the closet as a definitive hypocritical "political" pundit. I support Democracy, and in fact encourage it, yet, many of you know me as a socialistic dreamer. I yearn for a society where money and class do not matter. I hope for a lack of bludgeonly stupid elderly shitfucking douchebags telling the nation what they're supposed to want. I hope, and it will probably never happen. Now you all know, it's official, I'm out of the closet. [(races in from offstage whilst pulling up pantalones) Ed. What'd I miss? You came out?!] Politically. [Ed. Fuck.] Dude, Politically. [Ed. One of these days, random, one of these days]

http://www.babesinthighhighboots.com/
thank me later.

btw. The writers of the improv'd show Reno 911! are also the writers of the "Night at the Museum" movies...and Balls of Fury and Herbie, Fully Loaded and The Pacifier. I was gonna leave those last three off the list, but the lose so much cred for being the creators of such craptastic endeavors.

One thing I'm really glad about, is that they still make antipersprant deodrant in the white flaky kind. I bought the gel stuff without thinking. I hate it. I seriously want to throw it out, but I don't wanna waste the money. Oh, yeah, I'm money-careful these days. Now if only I were food-careful. Somehow I don't see the latter happening anytime in the near and present future.

I wonder if panooches can be bruised. It seems like it's possible, but that makes me think that I can bruise my noodly appendage. I don't want to think about that, so I'll just say, methinks that it's scientifically unpossible to receive a hematoma upon manparts and/or ladyparts. That's my hypothesis.

"When I get to the bottom, I go back to the top of the slide
Where I stop and turn and I go for a ride
Til I get to the bottom and I see you again"
Doesn't sound so edgy when you read it on the page, does it?

Is it just me, or is there a distinct difference between sharting a little bit and flatout pooping a full load of crap into ur pants? I was beginning to doubt my own sphincter's strength when I sharted recently, but then I realised, I didn't shit myself, tis but a shart.

"I'm looking good, got a luscious v of hair going through my chest pubes down to my ball fro."
Notice the quotes.

Holy gay wing'd angels descending from heaven to eat and rape blashpemous priests, friars, monks, bishops and popes, Batman!

Fuck it, I'm moving to Havana.
Not Cuba, Havana,IL. I'd like to live in the middle of nowheres where all the streets and counties and properties are segmented according to grids mapped onto a main map.
Oh, and whats the deal with all these place-names in Illinois being ripoffs of place-names that occur elsewhere? Did they run out of names? You know, it's legal to name a place "Fart Town".
yeah, I'm moving to fart town.