So, yeah, I was behind on blogging obviously and had a bunch of stuff saved. Here's blog 3.
I wanted to use the word monkeyfucks in a sentence.
done.
"use the schwartz"
Just so you all know, I'm not gonna dunk my sac in tabasco sauce.
That would hurt.
A lot.
So I was thinking about my desire to know if fecal material has been used to vandalize someone's bedroom and the saying "when the shit hits the fan"... combine the two! That would be a sweet crime,
1. Poop the Poop
2. Liquify Poop
3. Put Poop in squirt bottle
4. Turn on fan (Important step, otherwise you'll just have a fan with poop on it)
5. Make sure fan it pointed towards bedroom (Important step, otherwise you'll spray yourself with Poop)
5. Get to a safe distance
6. Shoot Poop into fan
7. Giggle
8. Repeat step 6 until Poop is gone
9. ???
10. Profit!
So a lady called 911 because mcDonalds ran out of chicken nuggets.
Good thing I'm still boycotting them b/c I almost cared.
I wonder if body builder chicks have the ability to rip a man's leg off straight from the hip if they happen to cheat on her. It would be weird to hear her on the news though, "I ripped off all his legs. He deserved it"
No link on this blog, so I leave you with "There will be an answer, let it be"
I'd be an awesome evil genius. I have the desire to take over and/or destroy the world, which holds a lot of weight in the evil genius community. My method. Evil Weather machine, ie, rain coming down so hard that it can knock down skyscrapers + temperature fluctuations between 0 and 100 degrees in a matter of minutes + the worst tornado winds possible + full bore lightning + Chuck Norris.
You know what else would be awesome? if you popped a chick's cherry and it tasted like cherries.
I'm, um, really retarded. I just remembered that there's no taste buds on the wingwang.
I don't know who the fuck came up with the saying "Money can't buy happiness". That's the opposite. Money can buy lots of shit. If you have NO money, then ur real fucking unhappy. There's probably a mathematical formula out there to find the peak amount of money for the peak amount of happiness. Look it up.
The other political oddity that I'd like to comment on is the Chinese fucking with an American civilian boat in international waters. They risrobed and her-assed [ed. harassed.] the crew. It's time the US put some American classic movie scenes into action. Let's buzz a control tower manned by the Chinese...but make sure he spills the coffee and another dude says "ping pong pay Maverick"...and have a couple Marines fuck with a Russian outpost and steal their uniforms just for the fuck of it...and have a couple dudes find a Russian nuclear site, almost launch the nuke and have unprotected sex with the two hot female officers who happen to be guarding the site in tents in the snow...and anything wacky thats ever been done in a movie starring Leslie Neilson.
2.0650635398358879243991194945817e+1262611
that's 2^whatever power. I lost count.
"She is notable as being a "gang bang queen", and claimed a world gang bang record, reportedly having had sex with 919 men in one day at the 2004 Eroticon in Warsaw."
I can't comment further. Still in awe.
Holy fart cushion, Batman.
Fuck it, I'm moving to Atlantis.
Shit, if it doesn't exist, then what am I gonna do?
Right. I'll grow gills and breathe like a fish then get eaten by a shark.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Catching up is hard to do
Two Blogs, Wow
The title was censored. It was supposed to say "Two {insert plural male first name that can be used as a name for male genitalia here}
"Do you sleep in the nude?"
"Only when I'm naked"
...
"Who are you?"
"I'm your worst nightmare"
"No, waking up without my penis is my worst nightmare"
Same movie. Bless Emilio Estevez for trying comedy. Hah. The censor(s) missed one!
So I was gonna punt a goose. Then I realized. That would probably {insert fornicative term here} up my ligaments in my legs and most likely mean a trip to the ER and America's Funniest Home Videos, not to mention PETA, the Animal Cruelty Society (or is it the Animal Non-Cruelty Society?) and local government going all Rodney King on me.
So I didn't.
"So what if I'm not the smartest peanut in the turd"
Is it just me or does Michelle Obama have a mannish face? The Jenny pointed out that there's a dude on AmIdol who looks like a chick. What kind of world do we live in where the president's wife looks like a man from the neck up and the most popular show on television is sporting a dude who is a canditate for female-parts?
Are Transvestites the new Jew?
Say it ain't so, Joe.
Joe Crede signed with the Minnesota freaking Twinkies.
Just for that, I hope your chronic back injuries cause you to end up in a wheelchair before the end of the year.
"Hancock shoves a man's head up another man's a**, the head is shown completely inside the other man's a**"
That, is something that I will never see in a movie again.
Hancock was another movie that I went to with very low expectations. It exceeded them. By far. Watch it.
Lost the link...but have some info...guess who it is:
Birthday: 2/11/1964
Nickname: Barracuda, Carabou Barbie
Hometown: Sandpoint, ID
Assets: Republican, Huge Natural Breasts
Vices: Republican, Abortion
So Gitmo is closing. HooRah. I'm more of the kinda guy who'd rather kill prisoners than torture them. Why'd they have that convention in Geneva anyways? Wars kill people. The people who survive should be dealt with, but who are we to decide that it has to be HUMANE. They're prisoners of WAR. This world is so hypocritical that I lose faith in humanity on an hourly basis these days. Hey, a politics rant and I didn't cuss! {Insert fornicative term here}, yeah!
{Insert scatalogical term here}.
[ed. good for you, you're helping the economy by making the censor(s) have work!]
{Insert fornicative term here} you.
Ok, so they found through fossil study that prehistoric fish had sex. One thing that I thought though, is, if the scientists who found this fossil had sex with it, would that be bestiality or necrophilia? or both? Is there a term for banging inanimate objects, fossils and/or fish? There probably is. It's had to happen at LEAST once before.
"A kinder gentler machine gun hand"
So I ate a hot dog with BBQ sauce on it. It was good. This world was meant for crazy food experiments. If I were a chef, though, don't come to my restraunt. It would suck, big time. And I'm not just referring to the poor service, the lack of hygeine of the waitstaff or the disregard of local and state laws regarding pest control. The food. Will. Be. Awful.
In other words, if I'm ever Gung-Ho about opening a restraunt, talk me out of it.
"Now I'm not sayin he shoulda killed her...but I understand"
Something that I was thinking about...it hurt...was that it would be damn cool if employees could be traded to other companies like in sports. I forgot the rest. Wait. No. Here we go...So ur a customer service rep for Target but Wal-Mart really wants ya, so they trade Target 2 cart pushers and a cashier for ya. That would be so COOL! Unless you got traded to Trader Joe's. That would be ironic.
Holy irate Belgian waffles, Batman.
Wait.
They lost to the Netherlands in the WBC. Twice.
I'll just move to Peru, I guess.
What did one Friday the 13th say to the other?
Yeah, the last blog was on Friday the 13th. So is this one. Funny how that works out. [ed. welcome back, you lazy hypocrite]
So I need to give George Lucas some respect back...but not a lot. I watched Star Wars- The Clone Wars and wasn't entirely disappointed. Low expectations fucking rock!
Speaking of over-dramatic circle jerks, Heroes has been impressive. Wait. That first sentence isn't what I meant to say. It was a clever attempt to be clever. Segues are obviously not my strong suit. [ed. So what were you saying about Heroes?] O. Right. They're doing a lot of clever work to set up more as they answer things. It's making it very fluid and dynamic. I do think that many of the characters on the show need to be whacked. We'll leave it at that too much happened in the last month for me to get into it.
"The leader of the free world is a White Sox fan"
It's true, and doesn't that make you blue team fans wanna take out your spleens with golf pencils?
So my dog and cat now have no balls. Literally. They're gone, and I don't know whose custody they are now in.
"Does this diaper make my butt look big?"
and if my month couldn't have gotten any worse, Chili's ran out of ribs. THEY RAN OUT OF RIBS. I'd boycott them, but I'm addicted to that sauciness. And by sauciness I don't mean the sexiness of their waitstaff, I mean the sauce.
http://www.trulia.com/property/1074725661-50000-N-Fleming-Springs-Rd-Cave-Creek-AZ-85331
future site of my evil lair
"It's log, it's log, it's big, it's heavy it's wood...it's better than bad, it's good"
They should make a sandwich spread for people with peanut allergies and call it "I Can't Believe It's Not Peanut Butter". We should call the copyright office [ed. "I'm right on top of that, Rose". I mean. Um. Yeah.]
and yeah, I just said "Must. Go. Potty" aloud.
Optimism, it's the new pink.
"people think I'm insane because I am frowning all the time"
fun words: Cerveceria, taqueria, quesadilleria, tortilleria. they're not English.
Holy Siamese Triplets, Batman!
That's it, I'm moving to Guadalajara
Or Guadalcanal, I forget which
