Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I will kick you repeatedly in the balls

Have I mentioned that I'm a fan of heat? I like when it's hot. I like watching kids cry when their ice cream melts too fast. I like when the weather is the opposite of frozen precipitation. I like when, if I'm sitting out in the sun, I can watch sweat bead up on my forearms and roll down in droplets and forming a pool underneath my elbow. If Chicago in the summer were a theoretical orifice, I'd totally fuck it.

I wanted to use the phrase "mmmm, Katy Perry's boobs" in a sentence.
Done.

"You tried your best and failed miserably, the lesson is, never try."
"trying is the first step towards failure"
"facts are meaningless. you could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!"
"We can outsmart those dolphins. Don't forget -- we invented computers, leg warmers, bendy straws, peel-and-eat shrimp, the glory hole AND the pudding cup"
Homer Simpson was a smart, smart man.

So today is "Michael Jackson"-suckfest day. The suckfest started yesterday when he died. Boo fuckin hoo. Sure, he was an astronomical influence upon our culture but dudes, seriously, his body aint even cold & stiff yet. And seriously, network news, are you that starved for actual news that you're eulogizing a fucking pop star a mere hours after he was confirmed to actually be taking a dirt nap? I hope he comes back Thriller-style and eats their brains. [Ed. ...and rape their children.] Yeah. That. [Ed. What? Too soon?]

so yesterday i was pondering something about music whilst driving without the air conditioning on. Now, I don't know rap. I'm a suburban white dude [Ed. ...also a pussy], obviously I haven't faced the dilemmas and hardships of inner city nor the creativity to splice clips illegally from classic rock & funk & soul artists into a coherent background upon which to mouth words pertaining to marijuana, bitches, my mom, gangs, pimpin, my crazy ex-wife, drinking, spending all my money after I become popular on gold, diamonds and grills, fucking, cars, dancing, lack of respect or politics. Where was I? Orite, I was comparing the music of outkast, beastie boys and eminem. All of which are not really rap, persay, but of the rap aspects of their music, in comparison of these three groups, eminem had the best hooks, big boi was by far the best rapper, outkast in general had the most diverse background samples from track to track but the beastie boys were definitely the most unique lyrically. Please remember that I don't know shit about shit, so disregard [Ed. ...he sucks cocks]

So I was looking for naked pictures on google images of female musicians that came up on my pandora radio. I'm silly like that.
The band the pixies came up so I googled it.
I got a DataSet that was mind bogglingly awesome in so many ways.
That's sort of thing you find when you google "naked pixies". I was hoping for something different, obviously. For some reason, I wasn't disappointed.

I'm playing in a softball tournament tomorrow that is raising money for breast cancer research. It's in morton grove. Look it up on teh internets & donate & stuff. There are very few charities/causes that I support. Autism, yes, because it's so fucked up, I mean, have you seen kids with autism? Donate clothes to the homeless, yes, people shouldn't die because they don't have a coat in January, even if they're Drinky McDrinkypants who talks to hisself. Breast Cancer, yes, breasts should not get cancer. Breast cancer is proof that there is no god. Lung cancer from smoking, I can understand, but the tits, really? Why put cancer THERE? Shit, I just realized an arguement that there IS a god. Men worship tits, and thats a sin, to worship other gods in a blashphemous way...So god gives them cancer. That doesn't explain ugly chicks with A cups getting cancer though. Ok, I change my mind, there is no god. because of breast cancer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlrX3bwQ2rk
We'll get back to this topic in a later passage. Enjoy it anyways. Kubrick, you rock.

btw, they mayan calendar runs out in 2012, which means the world is gonna end. or something. but you know me, i say fuck the mayans they're nearly obsolete for a reason, micropenii , i assume. Regardless, their calendar is, by implied obsolescence, also obsolete.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I always win in arguements that require logical fallacies. I am quite good at being illogical. If any of you follow this blog regularly [Ed. Yeah, the whopping 4 of you] dude, really? You interrupt my passage about logical fallacies to point out that like 4 people read this blog. harsh. [Ed. You're a fucking pussy] fuck you.









[Ed. writer(s)? You there?]





[Ed. Helllllooooooo??]






[Ed. Okok, I'm sorry] Apology accepted. You still suck. [Ed. ...and you're still a pussy. Now go home and get your fucking shinebox] fuck. you. asshole. [Ed. Well I'm rubber and you're glue so everything I say bounces off of me and hits you so YOU'RE an asshole.] wow. childish much? I hope you get fired. [Ed. They can't fire me, I'm tenured, FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK COCK PUSSY ASS TITS BLOWJOB BLOWJOB PUSSSSSSSSSSSSY!] Thanks for the allcaps, ass. [Ed. Just get back to work, faggot] I'm rubber and you're [Ed. work. now. faggot] jesusdamnit.

"Let this be a sermon, I mean everything I've said
Baby I'm determined and I'd rather see you dead"
okok, Harrison, did you write this one? Orite, ur dead too.

I wonder if gun manufacturers make a "suicide gun", you know, one gun, one chamber, one bullet capacity, not too big as to scare away the emo kids who are suiciding because they're big, walking, whiney panooches [Ed. ie. the writer(s) at johnny.random], and enough firepower to blow out the back of a skull and spray brain matter upon the hindside of the suicider. If they don't make it, they should. Not that I encourage suicide, [Ed. only for stupid people] but methinks that would be a fairly efficient method. [Ed. and methinks you should make yourself one of those.] Editor, if I could kill you, I would. [Ed. but you can't because you're a big, walking whiney panooch] jesusdamnit.

is it just me or is megan fox like the hottest woman since the invention of women? She's probably gonna look like gary busey when she's 40 tho, so enjoy it while it lasts, dudes

"No computer stands in my way, only blood can cancel my pain"
Notice the quotes...and bonus points if you're not my parents and know what song and which impression of the song it is from.

Holy, my editor has three dicks in his mouth at the same time, Batman! [Ed. touche, writer(s). respect++;]

Fuck it, im moving to somewheres in central america.
All this talk of mayan stuff and megan fox have led me to the obvious combination of the two, latina panooch.
So exotic.
Yeah, central america.