have i mentioned that i have a heterosexual man-crush on kelly clarkson? [ed. Dude, you can't have a man-crush on a chick] Why not? [ed. Because she doesn't have man-parts] Prove it! [ed. Um. Nevermind.]
I wanted to use the phrase "time for public rapings" in a sentence.
Done.
"You know how I made her leave with me? Conversation and Hennessey"
So today mah allergies were so bad that I almost stopped driving to work because my eyes were so swollen. I said eyes, you perverts.
So today is cinco de mayo. whoopdittydoo. in other words, I'm not looking forward to mexicans in mah neighborhood setting off poppers at 11:42pm when teh kids are trying to sleep. Its called common courtesy. I'm not singling out teh mexicans either. You white people have got to stop it with the racket and rabble rousing on school nights, even if it happens to be a holiday. Oh, and you fuckers that drive down my street too fast, I'm gonna cobble ur legs with an eleven and a half pound sledgehammer. It's the suburbs, not fucking nascar, you jesusdamn retards. I'd rather not be scraping off a child's brain matter off my driveway because you think it's ok to drive 45 down a side street because there happens to be a long stretch without stop signs or police occifers.
Ok. I'm done.
I'm nearing my limit of sun chip consumption. Fuck healthy food. if sun chips were wrapped in freeze dried bacon, that would be so much awesomer. Call up frito-lay.
So Obama has made it through 100 days in office. I reflect on this fact a bit differently than the talking heads who don't know shit about shit on CNN and FoxNews. Three things. 1) my friends are retarded for taking bets on when Obama would get whacked. b) The secret service is fucking awesome and 3) [gasp] the country was ready for a black president, who would have thought that a person's qualifications and vision would make people see past the color of a person's skin?! I certainly am happy that he's acomplishing things in his first 100 days, but I'm compelled to perform the uncanny act of flopping a steamer on every congressperson's desk who fails to vote for a leftist policy that I agree with...and yes Democraps have been voting against some policies too. They get a steamer and 3 days detention @ guantanamo before it's officially closed.
| http://www.chickipedia.com/joss-stone/photosgallery/Joss_stone_kissing-9136_450-jpg.html |
btw, don't rub bengay or biofreeze or tiger balm on ur satchel. It'll kill ur junk.
On thing that I'm really glad about...is that I haven't yet been decapitated by a psychotic disfigured redneck wearing a hockey mask and waving a chainsaw drunkenly.
It can happen...and I'm glad it hasn't happened to me.
"Ali Larter has been in the minds of many guys ever since we saw her in Varsity Blues covered in whip cream. Today she stars in the NBC hit Heroes, where she, as of this entry, has not been covered in whip cream"
So a chat that I had a month or so ago got me thinking. If google maps was more awesome, why don't they just put google maps in everyone's car, standard? Fuck paying $200+ for a jesusdamn GPS system that you need to update every 45 minutes because teh roads are always changing. Google maps is the shiznit, and there's ways to make it better by layering map data onto their interface point mapping system. [ed. You ARE a fucking geek. You know that, right?] Shut up. one of these days my technology dreams will come true. i hope.
This week will bring the impending doom of mah cottonwood tree beginning to splooge out its allergen-seed. I am sure to be incapacitated by its creamy white load of naturebatter. The tree will remain erect and wont get its seed off until next year. That's long time, good thing trees can't get blue balls. Or can they?
"Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, fart, terd and twat...I fucked your mom"
Speaking of madrefucking, it would be cool to fuck Justin Timberlake's mom, just so you could make him cry when you tell him you fucked her. Tony Danza's mom too, I think that would make Justin cry too.
Holy Elisha Cuthbert-on-Thora Birch strap-on videos in HD, Batman!
Fuck it, I'm moving to crete.
That's in the caribbean, right?
O. The mediterranean? crap.
By Greece? double crap.
It's warm there tho, right?
Okok. Crete it is. but make it Crete, Illinois instead.
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