All in all you were all just bricks in the wall

"Watch the cup with the nut under it carefully..."

The answer is beer. I know it.

Senor Gonzalez resigned as Attorney General…this below is a tribute:
"Here's to the laws of Alberto Gonzalez,
Congress will pass an act in the panic of the day,
and the Constitution's drowning in an ocean of decay,
and freedom of speech is dangerous I've even heard them say.

Here's to the land you tore out the heart of,
Gonzalez find yourself another country to be part of"

You know the insult…"Gaylord", well I looked it up, and apparently there was a band called "The Gay Lords", they changed their name to "The Gaylords". Right, they took out the space. That makes it so much less gay.

I'm thinking that I need to pay attention when I watch the news. I heard the headline…someone found how to hack the iPhone. All it does is free it from the At&t network. Lame.

So there's a gay republican who insists that he's not gay. He tried to get butt sex with a COP. At least there's not a youTube video for that bathroom encounter. At first, when I heard gay republican, I thought…Dick Cheney is goatse? I was wrong, it's some schmo senator. My martial law solution, have 3 gay army officers castrate him publically. Now, I'm just waiting until we hear a Hilary Clinton threesome/adultery/stripper/blow job/sex tape scandal.

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/g/genesis/the+carpet+crawlers_20058833.html
Back when they did drugs and Peter Gabriel was the lead singer. Interesting lyrics.

Gatorade & pedialyte will be on my lottery winnings budget. You know, to keep me hydrated with all the hehheh I'll be having. Jenny will be sore. That's all I'm sayin. Other budget items will not be disclosed due to the EXTREME naughtiness and/or originality.

Speaking of original ideas that I'll buy with my lottery winnings, I came across a term on urban dictionary called "Sex Waffles". Apparently, someone does doggystyle and sets a plate of waffles on the receiver's back. People are stranger than me.

It's the old peanut butter on the man-parts trick.

Finally, I'll be going on a vacation. One night. Fun. No, really, it's gonna be fun. I'm not being sarcastic. I get to touch a shark!

"lil bag of bones been out all night"

BTW: fuck Lowe's.

I wish there were less quotes like this from the south side.
"It's embarrassing day in and day out to do the same stuff," Guillen said. "People are blaming our pitching staff, but the offense comes along and puts more dirt on the grave. Everyone in that room should look in the mirror and be embarrassed."
"We've got a $100 million payroll and they don't show it on the field," Guillen said. "If this keeps up, bring on the Double-A kids. They're killing me. They're killing my family, my coaching staff and the White Sox fans. I hope they care the way we care. I'm tired of seeing this (expletive) every day."

Yoda says…Random John…closer come…the fuck shut up

By the power of grayskull

Why do I still like the white sox? Oh, right, cuz they're my team.

Has a woman ever licked "herself"? I know guys have tried to do that probably since the beginning of time…but what about women?

"THE TORNADO WILL BE NEAR... ELMHURST...VILLA PARK...HILLSIDE...AND BENSENVILLE BY 320 PM... NORTHLAKE... STONE PARK...MELROSE PARK...AND FRANKLIN PARK BY 325 PM... HARWOOD HEIGHTS...AND OAK PARK BY 330 PM..."
It missed us…thanks gods.
"THIS IS AN EXTREMELY DANGEROUS AND POTENTIALLY LIFE THREATENING SITUATION. THIS STORM HAS THE POTENTIAL TO PRODUCE TORNADO LIKE WINDS. SEEK SHELTER IN A BASEMENT OR INTERIOR ROOM OF A STURDY BUILDING. STAY AWAY FROM WINDOWS!"
I did. I'm ok.

Almost as bad as a punch to the satchel.

Friday was weird in a way. I was distracted by so much other stuff that I barely thought about it…but I did. It would have been 5 years, but, no regrets, because I am much happier now. Much much happier.

Saturday was weird too. Sucking up water with a wet dry vac was not my ideal weekend. It had to get done, I understand. But I wanted to mow my lawn!!

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/08/21/AR2007082101662.html
Spin that, bitches.

http://www.dailyherald.com/story/?id=23447&src=6
In case you were wondering:
Yes, that's by my house.

"Some hooligan keeps disconnecting the alarm. I told Security to look into it. But no, no, they'd rather catch the guy who's stealing organs from the transplant ward."

I wonder if Becca really knows what an "atomic wedgie" really is. She said Logan gave her one. I doubt it. It was funny when she said it, regardless.

"We need to save our show from people who don't know the difference between a Tony Award and Tony Hawk."

In case you were wondering II:
I finally got my haircut. I feel young again.

"We both know loves not perfect
Good, it's bad, it's everything
You know what makes it worth it
All the moments in between"

In case you were wondering III:
I bought booster seats for my car. No further comment other than I bought them at walmart. Hehe.

"Miss? If you were yogurt, would you be fruit at the bottom or stirred?"

"You got to love this guy. This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University .

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, 'F--- you!' Then he turned to his bride and said, 'F--- you!' Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, 'I'm outta here.' He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless' commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion: $3,000
Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodations in Maui : $8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8 x 10 glossy of the bride with the best man: Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD."

Stinky Cheese

It would be cool if a loud orgasm was the decibel equivalent of a loud plane.

Michael Vick…is going to have an unhappy butthole. Unless he prefers that. Not that there's anything WRONG with that.

Rexy, Rexy, don't worry, it's just the preseason. They won't start Orton over you, he looks like a mountain man.

Curious: Do ass-crack hairs turn gray as you get older too?

Monkey SAT question,
Leaves : Tree, Flinging Poo : ?

I need a clarification. The term "double stuff" is defined differently than I expected. I was thinking it meant two black guys oreo-cookieing a white girl, like an oreo double stuff. But then it would need to be either two ladies in the middle or a larger white girl…you know, cuz the white filling in an actual oreo double stuff is larger. Regardless, the term as defined on urban dictionary may need to be redefined. No further comment.

Speaking of that…are there any good black male tennis players?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shocker_%28hand_gesture%29
In case you were wondering.

Also in case you were wondering, Boobies are a slang term for breasts. So is "fun bags".

"Well, there was the part that you missed where I distracted him with the cuddle monkey then I said "play times over" and I hit him in the head with the peace lily."

No, I PRETEND to be a fag on stage who is pretending to not be a fag, not…I am a fag on stage pretending to not be a fag.

Just say no…to PMS.

Janeanne Garofalo is gonna be on 24. Veronica Mars is gonna be on Heroes. What's next, Carmen Electra on Ugly Betty?

How long has Anna Kournikova been hot?

Fuck Kenny Williams in his goatse'd ass hole.

BTW, I bought a lawn mower…what's next? Prostate exam.

Fortune and glory, kid

I listened to Cat's in the Cradle again. Something about that song just hits home. Well I know what it is... guys come on back me up on this one.

I wonder how smart I am compared to the smartest retarded person.

"Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken."

And the boringest blog section of the day goes to:
I knew a dude in high school, his name was Dave. We called him Dave.

"picture porky pig raping elmer fudd"

Ununseptium: it's new, it's exciting. Look it up. It's not dirty, honest.

"There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary and those who don't"

Dan tipped me off to this term…and I suggest you look it up on http://urbandictionary.com
Hot Pocket

FYI: group sex involves at least 2 members of the same sex.

"I swear to God, one of these days, I just kick this piece of shit out the window."

The other day, I censored myself around the kids, and instead of saying "Fuck me with a butter knife", I just said "with a butter knife". You have no idea how well kids listen till they come out and say hours later… "Did you get the butter knife?" Nice.

George Carlin is so funny, he makes my wiener giggle.

Barry Gibb. No additional joke necessary.

Bad pickup line: "I've got the F, the C, and the K, now all I need is you"

It would be cool if a computer responded to lovin like a pet does. Like a dog, you pet him, he's happy…well happier. I'd love to just pet my monitor or computer case just to get it to speed up. My computer would be a needy bitch.

Many thank yous all around yet again, if you didn't see my bulletin. Thank you, thank you, thank you and thank you.

They're not stolen. They're put away

Today seems to be a day of quotes. Read on, reading readers.

"I always tell the truth. Even when I lie."

Good idea- get a keg for tomorrow, that way everyone will want to help us move into our house.

"Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days."

"one point twenty-one gigawatts!"

It's impossible to have a drowsy Sudafed! Sudafed has ingredients to make crystal meth in it... You know, counting the pixels in your computer screen meth.

"Dan Patrick: Hi there. I'm Dan Patrick.
Kenny Mayne: And I'm Kenny Mayne.
Dan Patrick: With the first seven months of the BASEketball postseason out of the way, the playoff picture is now starting to emerge.
Kenny Mayne: So, with last night's victory over Boston, next week the Beers must beat Indianapolis in order to advance to Charlotte. That's in an effort to reduce their magic number to three.
Dan Patrick: Right, and then the Beers can advance to the National Eastern Division North to play Tampa.
Kenny Mayne: So, if the Beers beat Detroit and Denver beats Atlanta in the American Southwestern Division East Northern, then Milwaukee goes to the Denslow Cup, unless Baltimore can upset Buffalo and Charlotte ties Toronto, then Oakland would play LA and Pittsburgh in a blind choice round robin. And if no clear winner emerges from all of this, the two-man sack race will be held on consecutive Sundays until a champion can be crowned.
Dan Patrick: Right."

http://www.starstore.com/acatalog/shania-twain-2006-br-01.jpg
You're welcome.

teabagging is not in my sexual history.

Hmmm. Jenna Bush is engaged. Hell must be freezing over like, for real this time.

"Good bye, Ruby Tuesday"

Advice from Johnny.Random(), don't look up tentacle porn on the internets.

"What ever happened to suburban rhythm? All the other bands are just shit."

Hehe, you said jamook.

"bunch of fuckin savages in this town"

Shameless plug:

"Our Twisted Point of View"

These are the thoughts that kept me out of the really good schools

I got mail from AARP. Really.

Happy birthday Kayla Noelle Williams…the other day.

BTW, fuck UHaul.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go on an overnight drunk, and in 10 days I'm going to set out to find the shark that ate my friend and destroy it. Anyone who wants to tag along is more than welcome."

It would be cool to be in a band with a sponsor, like Durex.

If I wore edible underwear, no one would want to eat them, mainly because of my sweaty balls.

"Agent Bork: Chief! Ya know that guy whose camper they were whackin' off in?
Agent Fleming: Bork, you're a federal agent! You represent the United States Government! Never end a sentence with a preposition.
Agent Bork: Oh, uh... Ya know that guy in whose camper they... I... I mean, that guy off in whose camper they were whacking?"

One thing that I've been wondering about, well, yesterday specifically, is how do you play the YuGiOh card game.

Adults, watch Sponge Bob SquarePants for a good explanation as to why kids are growing up loony.

"Ray, when someone asks you if you're a *God*, you say "YES"!"
"Why worry? Each one of us is carrying an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on his back."

I wonder if the town of Pussy in France is close to Nice,France.

"All of which are American dreams."

Parthenogenesis.

"Reach out and touch faith"

Have you ever muttered "fuck wendy's, fuck fuck fuck fuck" under your breath when taking a shit?
I have.

Kids play with toys; it's sort of what they do.

The Lone Rangers? That’s original. How can you pluralize "The Lone Ranger"?

Did you just say "pig fucker"?

"I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job is misunderestimating."

Ok. I was talking yesterday with a female companion about man-boobs. She insisted that men would have difficulty pulling their attention away from…themselves, if they had boobs like the chicks do. This, in addition to men's ability to focus on things such as boobs or sports on TV, would create a big problem for manhood. Plus, you add that the view of cleavage looks much different from the cleavage owner's point of view, so I'm told, and women will rule the world! In other words, guys, lets not grow man-boobs.

Then my other topic of conversation came up. It's kind of a curiosity that's related to the men's bathroom video of Friday last week. If you're a dude in a smaller bathroom with, let's say, 2 urinals and a toilet. One dude is using one urinal…why would the next dude use the toilet? Are you that self-conscious of your micropenis?? I'm not gonna look at your dick!

"Ugly Man: I committed bestiality!
Counselor: You didn't know she was an ape when you had sex with her.
Ugly Man: But I had sex with a dog, too.
Counselor: Did you know it was a dog when you had sex with it?
Ugly Man: Yes."

If I had the mind of a dog and came across the question Woodfield or Oakbrook, I'd respond:
That's like choosing which puddle of vomit to lick.

[broken link]I'm a fan.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chicago_Spire
Isn't a spire a phallus? Or am I just thinking about cocks?

"What's the smell like?...The corpse of a rotting hottie."

One thing that I thankfully haven't thought about in a while is kinda disgusting. I recall talking with a few buddies about the merits of putting one's balls inside a vagina. It would be quite a phenomenon, but, logistically, it doesn't seem very easy. Not only are the balls inside a satchel that just doesn't stretch that far, but maneuvering a teste into position to be inserted might actually hurt. Badly. Not that I'd try inserting my balls in any female orifice, but, you know, my mind works in mysterious ways.

"This is the worst day of my life!...The worst day of your life so far!"

That's pure jack-assery.

"I can't harbor a fugitive, I'm an unelected official!"
"Well, there has been much rumor and speculation... innuendo, outuendo..."

If I can't be stupid at something, then I suppose I've graduated to idiot. Self-depreciation is fun!

I've had a helluva week. And this week won't be any easier. I swear if I had like an extra day this week that would help out a lot…or even if the days were 30 hours instead of 24.

Speaking of this past week, I spent so much QT with my babe. Things went so well. I'm a lucky guy and I know it.

I blame lion-o

I refuse to comment on the grounds that my answer may incriminate me

I'd much rather get punched in the face than get punched in the balls.

I'm rewriting my play where each guy gets a man injury.

"[Running through traffic in nothing but tighty whities, screaming] I am a Jedi! I am a Jedi!"

If you want to get a lot of hits on your blog…post the question "Why does everyone hate Microsoft?" and send the link to all the geeks you know.

"mobsters say "ballin'"?"

I'm having a bit of a "digestive problem". I self-diagnosed it to be related to stress.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzO1mCAVyMw
Men, unite!

"Q: Why do men pay way more for car insurance?
A: Because women can't get blow jobs while driving."

I was impressed, I heard a Linkin Park song that wasn't gay.

"Then you say hey I bought you flowers"

Huevos en tu boca.

"this area has at least a one percent chance of a flood equal to or exceeding the base flood elevation in any given year. During the life of a 30 year mortgage loan, the risk of a 100-year flood in a special flood hazard area is 26 percent."

I was told by a buddy to listen to my conscience, to use it, know it and love it.
Then I asked him…well, what about the voice that's telling me to kill my parents and move to Brazil?
He ignored my comment. I suppose he knows me well enough by now.

"Still talking to myself, and nobody's home"

Shameless plug…really, come see it:
"Our Twisted Point of View"

That’s what she said

I was thinking of the movie "History of Violence" the other day. The scene on the stairs. I have no further comment.

Mbork mbork. Hummada hummada.

Carlos Zambrano = a non-sexy angry latino. He's messing with my fantasy baseball team on a near-constant basis. He's making me care about the cubs! Oh no!

I've got to stop using "gay" as an adjective. I'm the one who listens to Kylie Minogue.

"One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing."

If I could lose an eye, I'd pick the left one.

If I were a different person, living a different life, as a conservative perhaps, then I would totally do Ann Coulter. In my current opinion, she's a C U Next Tuesday.

"kill a puppy dog instead"

The Baltimore orioles put Miguel Tejada on waivers and the sox put in a bid. The Orioles pulled out. I lost wood.

I can't like Ryan Theriot because his last name reminds me of Jocelyn Thibault every time I hear it. It's going to take a long time to erase those years of bad hockey and soft goals.

The sox magic number is 62. With 51 games left. Hey, it can happen.

I twisted my ankle while playing Frisbee with an 8 year old on Saturday. Yeah, you can call me a brittle bitch. I can take it. I can always blame it on Gary.

"oh shakira shakira"
Yes, still stuck in my head. That's another thing that I can blame Gary for.

Wow, that smells like ICBINB.

hey jupiter == a "lilith fair"-type song that I'd love to get hand relief to
omg did i just type that
and by the way, if you look up hand relief on wikipedia, it redirects you to the page for masturbation.

Shameless plug:
"Our Twisted Point of View"

In a leather thong

Green Day is in the new simpsons movie. I am pleased with their animated performance.
Tom Hanks too. Him, not so much. Lol

I farted at the notion of a healthy Kerry Wood.

I have a notion that if I look at gay porn at work, the IT guy will never talk to me again…cuz if gaybuttsex.com shows up as my most visited domain on his list, that'll be the end of my friendship with him.

UG! Frustrating! 3 months for 4 shitty songs and now my ex-best friend turned into a cock-eating-emo-fag! What the FUCK. I should sue him for all the money I spent laying down the awesome guitar work on our shitty demo. Plus emotional distress and punitive damages.

Question: Do dogs know how much their shit stinks?

The sox & yanks both scored 8 runs in the 2nd inning...and sent 26 batters to the plate total. The inning took an hour. Can I repeat my fuck the white sox comment?

Ok, My goal of the year is to make a stew so fart-friendly that noone will be able to come near me for at least 2 days. Beans, corn, peppers, cauliflower, broccoli, cabbage, milk, bread, eggs, beer, grapes and last but not least BEEF.

Speaking of farts:
http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2007030500,00.html
buy one of these, you'll be set after eating my stew. Well, probably not my stew, but heck, you can even fart in church!

I hate missing the aura of funky music because I don't do peyote.

BTW fuck darin erstad, that brittle bitch is injured again. AGAIN.
Ozzie should barbeque him and eat him with a side of flautas.

"i figure if i had a million dollars id hook that up"

Ug. Q-tip the pee hole. Catheter in the pee hole, now that would make me want to punch nurses in their cervixes.

Dammit dude, I just sat on my balls again.

Why do I still listen to Madonna? I must have a kinda-gay problem upstairs.

Speaking of that: Here's a nice quip or whatever you call it
Me: Wait, did you just call me a fag?
Buddy: erm…no
Me: ah, must be the voices in my head
Not that there's anything WRONG with that.

Aside from all that…I was banged unconscious yesterday. In a good way.

Spider pig, spider pig

BIPM

"Uh, Homer Sexual? Aw, come on, come on, one of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual!"

How many people have sex in the morning?

"all together run for cover! we're taking over this town"

I've been using the phrase "fuck my titties" recently. I don't know why. It doesn't really apply to me. It also has nothing to do with my comment in yesterday's blog about gay-man-banging-man-boobs.

Another phrase that I've been using is "fuck me with a butter knife". Obviously, I have issues regarding my commitment to not say the F'word.

http://thetravisty.com/Robot_Chicken/wmv/Mario_Kart_gets_mixed_up_with_another_game.htm
I love this one. I may have posted it already. I forget.

http://www.beatles.com/hub/gfx/albums/front/Pepper-A.jpg
I was curious if the boss would let me wear one of these outfits to work. Mustachioed and regal, you know (and George Harrison is the pimpest). And how he felt about full frontal male nudity in the workplace. Or if I could come to work in drag. I didn't have the balls to ask him, so I just kept it to myself.

Speaking of coming to work in drag. I'd look damn ugly dressed in woman's clothes. Plus, I'd hafta shave my legs and that's just plain yucky. I would totally stuff the bra though.

Fuck cookie monster. Watching him as a child turned me into a calorie fiend.

I saw "knocked up" over the weekend. It was very very very very very very funny. I realized something though. It really sucks that I already knew that there was a website that lists all the female nude scenes in the history of movies. I've visited it too. But, I get SOME points back…for, I am not a member.

Turn it up a notch: to really emphasize that you don't want to do something, use the following format;
I'd rather masturbate upon [Insert C-list male celebrity's name here]'s anus than…

Most curiosities: is it illegal to have sex on top of an American flag? Is it illegal for a chick to bang an American flag folded into the shape of a phallus?

Another curiosity: Do cops ever have sex in their police cars? Is there a rule against that?

Another curiosity: How would I feel if I found nude pics of my significant other on the computer that I did not know about?

I was just thinking. It hurt. It would be so wild if Barack Obama wins but goes psycho and does a massive slavery roundup and puts white people in sweatshops and shit. That would be ironical.