Tangerine trees and marmalade skies

Btw: the ambiguously gay duo's voices are Stephen Colbert & Steve Carrell.

I had the classic "when john used to work at dominicks" lunch. A cup of ramen, 3 slices of mortadella, 2 slices of provolone & a poppy seed bun.
Cheap.

I have a theory about Demi Moore & Ashton. Maybe Ashton is a eunuch, and Bruce Willis still satisfies Demi. That's my theory.

Have you seen how unbelievably bad the sequel to Bruce Almighty looks?
Real bad.

"I did it with a whiffle ball bat"

Flavor = retail

B-movie title? Attack of the killer peni
Or is it penises?

http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&hl=en&q=las+vegas,+nv&ie=UTF8&om=0&layer=c&cbll=36.112066,-115.173077&cbp=1,270,0.5,0&ll=36.113848,-115.172837&spn=0.003766,0.006738&z=18
have fun. It's new.

"I got a letter from the government
The other day
Opened it and read it
It said they were suckers
They wanted me for their army or whatever
Picture me givin a damn, I said never
Here is a land that never gave a damn"

Ok now open your mouth and close your eyes.
The balls, you will find in the mouth.

I need to buy new pants. Or come to work in my boxers.

"I don't do humans"
Notice the quotes. It's not me, it's from a movie.

Let's hold hands and run through the woods.

Maple brown sugar mini wheats + coffee = awesome breakfast.

I like quoting singers who have done peyote.
Or singers who were abused as children and now drink too much and smoke lots of pot.

"go take a shit on the salad bar at wendys"

I said some funny stuff yesterday. I forgot it all. I remember something about a hidden track at the beginning of a cd. I hope it works.

NO! They’re all gonna laugh at you!

I used to do the "oh-ee-oh-Magglio" chant when he was a white sock.
Now, he's dead to me.

One of these days im gonna commit a peaceful misdemeanor, you know, like swiping some Chinese food from a delivery guy in a non-threatening way.

"squeeze my lemon til the juice runs down my leg
squeeze so hard that i fall outta bed"
wonderful lyricist robert plant was

I have 3 brown eyes.
That's a gross statement…if you get it.

Sam's club, baby!
Saving this here caucasian boy some money.
Why do they call it caucasian, anyways?

I watched racing the other day, it was more boring than golf.
There was a crash…still boring.

He's an analrapist, you know, analyst and therapist.

http://www.iht.com/articles/2007/05/30/africa/30mosul.php
is this relative badness?
Remind me that I would never be a good elected official. My foreign policy would include making shit like that never happen.

"No, mini-me, don't gnaw on the kitty"
Mr. Bigglesworth, hah.

There was a time when the people couldn't rhyme.

What's an encephalopod?

"my name is Indigo Montoya…you killed my father…prepare to die"

I've never knocked boots all night long, but I have sung the song "knockin tha boots"

"the record company is gonna give me lots of money and everything's gonna be allright"

Dudes, the urinal at the Mutiny was fucking huge. The biggest urinal I've ever seen, by far. I should call up Guinness.

If I was actually good enough to play baseball for a major league team, my loyalties lie with two teams, 1, the white sox, and 2, the team that drafts me or gives me a shot. I'd play for the league minimum. Especially since my idea is to win the lottery and just train constantly to play baseball. I'd probably have a rotator cuff injury and never play in the big leagues, but, a man can dream. Right now, I'm sitting on a 70 mph fastball and a 54 mph changeup. I think I'd need to do better than that to be a professional.

THIS IS NOT A GREAT AREA OF ADDISON

We got some "play some skynyrd" requests. Hopefully not tonight.
Shameless plug:
Symptom tonight at the mutiny in Chicago.

I have not yet listened to the sodomizing sounds of the new linkin park cd.

I think you all will agree with me that Kiera Knightley is the hottest movie pirate ever.

There was some work being done on the roof of my office building about an hour ago.
Good thing I ain't hungover.

"I'm not gonna cook it but I'll order it from ZANZIBAR"

What's the deal with Tennis scoring. 15-love, 30-love. I don't get it. Can't they count like normal people??
I blame Rosie o'Donnell.

I found out that I can play the Mario theme music on my cheeks.

Found a link to this one on collegehumor.com
http://zeropuntouno.blogspot.com/2007/05/cilf-cartoons-id-like-to-f.html
hilarious.

If you listened to the C-Word with the link I gave ya'll, I hope you listened to "the N-Word" episode. Nothing better than a white guy telling a black guy to say the n-word cuz he don't wanna say it.

That's it, touch your toes.

2 live crew = very dirty

I should go fart on a snare drum.

Why don't they have cheerleaders on top of the dugouts in baseball? That would be cool.

I wonder if I'd like a symphony as an adult. I remember not liking it when I last went…when I was much younger and being brainwashed by a catholic school.

"I don't feel tardy"

I get my work ethic from my dad. He's self-employed and works like a dog…you know, one of those dogs that doesn't sit around and lick himself all day. I just remembered something along the lines of "taking time off is not incompatible with an aggressive work ethic" that my buddy Zach said to me. Then I also remembered that I wanted to go to Mexico this year for vacation. I remembered because I wrote it down. I don't want to go to Mexico anymore, weird.

Man points for everyone!

"Every cop is a criminal and all the sinners, saints
What's my name, tell me baby, can you guess my name?"

Maybe Sylar turned into a cockroach.
Why would he have such a power?
Cuz he's Sylar, that's why.

"He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past."

No thanks. You can keep your balls.

I'm totally crossed out.

What would be better to see in times square, the hottest crack whore ever, or the massive fucking Christmas tree?

Nicole Richie…gain some weight.

http://thecwordradio.podomatic.com/
shameless plug.

They should make boobs with speakers in them. Evolution, I mean. That would be so ultimate…the best place to lay and put some lullaby music. Guys would ALWAYS stay home.

"Dr Ray Stantz: Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.
Walter Peck: They caused an explosion!
Mayor: Is this true?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Yes it's true.
[pause]
Dr. Peter Venkman: This man has no dick."

If you win the lottery, for every million dollars won, you will receive approximately $38,500 per year before taxes.
I'm illogical.

You know how I know I'm gay?
Cuz I like coldplay.

Mmmm burger with mayonnaise.

Berry Jive and his uptown five?
Kathleen Turner Overdrive?

I've never done acid or crack so why do people accuse me of it?

Do I lose manpoints for listening to Gwen Stefani?

Do they speak English in what

The theme of the day is oink

I'm applauding with my stapler, against my face.

DTSFU= Dude, Shut the Fuck Up!

I have cicadas for balls.
I need to go change my pants, they're full of shells.

Linkin Park collectively got dumped by their girlfriends recently. I predict the reason is related to sodomy. And not with their girlfriends.

I had the feeling that I wanted to go to an unoccupied office and just whale on empty cubicles with my fists. Then I remembered that I don't do that anymore.

1 seagull said to the other: "Look, a brand new BMW, let's get all our friends and poop on it!"

"DOES HE LOOK, LIKE, A BITCH? THEN WHY YOU FUCKING HIM LIKE A BITCH?!"

I love the forecasts that say winds will be gusting in excess of 40 mph through this afternoon. Cuz then I can say that I'm going outside to get blown.
I sure got blown well yesterday.

I gets my chickens with ketchup.
mcChickens, yo.
I'm so glad that I lifted my ban on mcdonalds.

Just thinking. If a wang is 9 inches soft, it would be bigger than my arm hard.
Jenna Jameson has a 9 inch minimum. Not sure if that is soft or hard.

So Wal-Mart is going to sell Dell computers.
I know where I'm going.

I could use some crack right now.
You know, stepped on, thus, breaking my mother's back.
Kidding, mom.

I just wanted to use the phrase "coochie punch" in a sentence.
Done.

Hey, tell my realtor not to bring buyers to look at my place WHO CAN'T AFFORD IT!

I will call a press conference at noon to announce my position on that issue.
I have commissioned an exploratory committee to investigate all of the options, including the consumption of mac & cheese.
Once the exploratory committee reaches a consensus, the options will be sent to a senate sub-committee where a 2/3 vote must be reached before the press conference.
Man, fuck congress.

Looks like I picked the wrong day to quit amphetamines

Come on people, it has bamboo floors!

Let's go to a fight club, I'm feeling like I need to get punched in my face.

Why oh why did anyone ever think that remaking "land of confusion" was a good idea? Sure, genesis is being honored by some dumb-ass vh1 award show for being all great. I can admit I like some of their music. Remake it/cover it…NO! There are some bands that you just don't cover, out of principle…like Simon & Garfunkel or Journey or the Aquabats or frickin Genesis. Please. Don't do that again.

Do I gotta sign in/sign up, turn on, drop out?

Ruffles are fucking awesome potato chips.
So are vitners.

Dude, come on, you don't fuck a buddy's mom.

Is it hot in here or is it just my sexy ass?

http://www.adultswim.com/games/fiveMinutes/index.html
this has got to be one of the funnest time suckers I've ever participated in.
I want candy!
I couldn't get the fat guy to kick me in the nuts tho.

This it how it goes…just goes.

I can guarantee that there will be no pole smoking or tail pipe-related blunders inside my cubicle. I think I heard two of the cleaning ladies doin it in the ladies bathroom. Either that or cleaning and talking loudly in a different language.

I'll break into someone's apartment and take a dump on their bed. Let that seep in the heat for a while.

Stab me with a turkey lacer, remove my head and neck and insides, stuff me with vegetables & croutons and cook me over a fire for about 28 hours. I'll be yummy.

"Instead of shit say poo,
Like bull poo, poo head and this poo is cold"

Caribbean cruises during college spring break time are cheaper, but, even with that lowered price, they still include food poisoning and herpes as a perk. You know, herpes, look like warts, never cured, get it when you bang dirty co-eds on cruises…or from standing within 40 feet of Paris Hilton.

"We shall flog ourselves appropriately"

It would be so friggin awesome if Oprah's gay. Not that I'd watch it with any interest, I'd like to see millions of soccer moms shun her. Once the soccer moms turn on her, she's got nothing. Ellen, unlike oprah, has the yuppie fan base…and the gays. Please note that my negative definition of yuppie includes the "selfish and superficial" adjectives.

Keep the change you filthy animal

"Who's cut now?"
"Thanks for the candy"

Why do people keep calling me insane?

I got an offer on my house. Somebody should bid higher, come on readers, help me out.

Looks like I'm gonna break out the apple juice bottle tonight.
Or the horse tranquilizers.
Or a vicodin or two or ten.

Sometimes I try too hard to be witty. Sometimes I'm unfortunate enough to not be witty.

News flash: crack isn't an opiate.

Symptom's practice space burned down. Seriously.
It wasn't me.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/05/15/mangled.helmet.ap/index.html
ouch.

Let's have a sword fight over the trough at Wrigley field.
Or not.
Hint: "sword fight" is not the literal meaning of "sword fight".

Save the cheerleader, save the world.
Save a horse, ride a cowboy.
Save a cowboy, ride a cowboy?

Marilyn Manson has a porn video on the internet where he's banging Evan Rachel Wood, in blood.
Don't worry. I haven't watched it, and will not post the link on this page.

30 episodes of Heroes next season. I can't wait.
It's bad-ass.

No cow nipples.

It doesn't get much better than "Get to the Chopper!"

you know, you can get herpes from kissing.
Moral: Don't kiss Paris Hilton.

"Well, being a dick ain't so bad. See, there's three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just wanna fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes, Chuck. And all the assholes want is to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because... pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also-fuck-assholes, Chuck. And if they didn't fuck the assholes, you know what you'd get? You'd get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit!"

computers are ornery because of the medulla oblongata

"living in a van down by the river"

come on dude, you know you wanted to bang the old librarian when you were in high school.
you didn't?

"always look on the bright side of life"

um, dude, there's a medication for that.

somebody i know looks hot in scrubs.
hint: she's my girlfriend.

boner spooning. i wonder what that means.
Thats pretty gay. Almost as gay as balls in a dude's mouth.

"the stamp is in the wrong denomination, the post man will be shot and the payment must be made in wampum"

http://media.justjared.com/headlines/2006/10/carrie-underwood-vanity-fair.jpg
you're welcome.

Curry aji no unko ka unko aji no curry ka docchi ga ii?

I like the grocery store. It's totally the greatest place to go get grindage, bud-dy.

"Now I have seen everything.
Really? Have you seen a man eat his own head?
No!
So, then you haven't seen everything. And neither have we."

I don't know about you, but I was wishing that Heroes last night was 2 hours long. They tried to do too much in only an hour. It's stupid how they're letting Sylar survive for next season even though he got a frickin sword right through him. Things are set up pretty sweetly for next season, regardless. I already can't wait. Like, are the petrelli's dead? Why are so many cast members still around even though the creator of the show said that he wanted to start the next season with a pretty fresh cast? Dudes, don't be like Lost, please. Also, what was the point in showing that 17th century crap with Hiro?

"was the lobster wearing loafers?"

news flash: Britney Spears isn't the hottest milf in the music industry.
Shit, who is?

let's resodificate. I'll have a Dr.Pepper.
We need some Mountain Dew up in hrr.

If i say state something unbiased, ie. based on fact, can it still be called a biased opinion if i'm known to have a bias and my statement confirms that?
I'm Johnny Bourbon and I approve this message

Throw a bottle at Ronnie woowoo

David Aardsma forgot that he wasn't the batting practice pitcher for the cubs anymore.

Kudos to Ozzie for being his jaggish self on Friday and cussing out mike north, the king of the jag-bags.

Benjamin Buford Blue.

Grow potatoes on his taint.

Difference between US cellular and Wrigley. The cell, you'd probably want to wear a weapon, Wrigley, you'd want to wear a chastity belt.

I wonder what my opinion about boobs was when I was 7 years old. I don't remember.

Two things I wonder: Do I have any illegitimate children? Will I have any legitimate children?

http://www.apple.com/trailers/mgm/mrbrooks/trailera/
can we say that these guys are washed up, like, for realsies?

Two websites today. Completely unrelated.
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/nineinchnails/somethingicanneverhave.html
I recalled an old friend who called me up late night, and read these lyrics to me. I didn't know the song very well, and I seriously thought that she was gonna commit suicide. I'll never forget that. She was crying and everything.

Heh. Crede took a ball to the face. In his mouth! Balls in Joe Crede's mouth, hah!

Allow myself to quote myself … "god i wanna shove my fist right into pablo ozuna's head just like DL did to linderman on heroes"…that was the only line in my chat with Zach on Friday during the cubs-sox game that DIDN'T involve swearing

Toscanini means little Tuscany.

I drank some good scotch yesterday. Older than me. Tastes better than me too.

Former Creed singer charged with assault. Yes, Scott Stapp IS an asshole. "Thank's for the words"

I was fortunate enough to go to the cubs-sox game on Saturday and one of my most disliked neighborhoods in my short history. Not only did my good guys lose the game in the most shitty fashion, I paid $11 for a bourbon and coke at hi-tops before the game, and was surrounded by yuppie, retarded, drunk-ass, bitch-ass, (insert n-word here, but replace the first letter with a 'W'). Sure I enjoyed the game and all of its exciting-ness. However, the experience only solidified my prejudice against this particular group of individuals. I don't dislike the cubs. I dislike cub fans. I'd rant some more but the memory of 20-30 something drunk & spoiled frat-asses only makes me want to vomit.

Watch heroes.

Whats the entry point?

"oh me im known as sir lollipop man alias the long haired sucka and my motto is
make my funk the p.funk i wants to get funked up
i want the bomb. i want the p.funk"

it is a result of mental illness
perhaps an early bout of senility

I met ron santo once. He still had all his legs.

"A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.
When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.
His co-worker said to reconsider and that Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, close to Canada, good public transportation, etc.
Then he said: "Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working."
The first asked, "What did you do there?"
To which the other replied, "I was tail-gunner on a bread truck by comiskey park.""

"So I heard today that Disney is now interested in buying the cubs when they come for sale at the end of this year. This makes sense as they have plenty of money to do this plus they have a vested interest in sports (ESPN).
Supposedly they are really just looking for the next Mickey Mouse operation and the Cubs franchise is a perfect fit."

"Two boys are playing hockey on an inlet on a pond in suburban Chicago when one is attacker by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick and wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to the boy. "Young White Sox Fan Saves Friend from Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Sox fan," the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in Chicago, I just assumed you were," said the reporter, and he began writing again.
"Cubs Fan Rescues Friends from Horrific Attack," he continued writing in his notebook.
"I'm not a Cubs fan either," the boy said.
"I assumed everyone in Chicago was either for the Cubs or the Sox. What team do you root for?" inquired the reporter. "I'm a Yankees fan," the child responded.
The reporter turned the page in his notebook and wrote "Little Brat from New York Kills Beloved Family Pet.""

I seriously have been considering losing weight with this back problem that I have. Among other things.
Carrying an extra 40-60 pounds makes it pretty difficult to keep a healthy back.
Wish me luck.

My 3^rd toe on my left foot smells like gummy bears.

Jimmy John's surprised me. I freaked.
Hehe, JJs has a "Big John" sangwich.

"I'm looking for Ray Finkle
And a clean pair of shorts"

Just curious, if you're raped, does that count as cheating?
If you're the rapee, you know.

Where's the goddamn rabbit, find the fucking rabbit

I was listening to music that would have sounded much better on peyote.

"left wing right wing broken wing"

I'm glad I haven't spontaneously grown a set of 'lady lips' (you know, vertical smile) on my forehead.
People would make fun of me for that.

Fortunately, I was able to point and laugh at a certain blue themed uniformed player yesterday for his less than stellar performance in the 9^th inning against the new york mets. The depths of his suckage was breathtaking. I had to fight the urge not to laugh, being surrounded at my office by fans of this mediocre ball club. I almost felt sorry for him. Almost. I was thinking there'd be some angry sex in that team's locker room after that game. Plenty of pink socks for everybody.

It's a protrusion!

So I took the day off yesterday to get an MRI done on my back.
It's a protrusion!
It's not a hernia…well kinda, just not technically.
Btw…my chiropractor is a sox fan.
Back spasms + back pain + pain down leg = crippled Johnny
I should get a cane.

Bagels have a hole.

Extensive vamping.

"didn't I throw you out a window?"

There is no Johnny only zuul.

mmmm. is it possible to impregnate a pregnant woman?

"and the carpet does match the drapes…her true hair color is, bald."

At least I didn't have to phone someone to help me get up off a toilet.
That'd be embarrassing.

In case you haven't noticed, I don't lose my sense of humor when I'm in pain.
If I do lose my sense of humor, then you REALLY have to be worried.

Let's all sing a chorus of "why can't we be friends" by the pop sensation Smashmouth.
Or not.

I'd like to see a freak hurricane come off of Lake Michigan. On the East shore though, not Chicago. An earthquake too. Again, not in Chicago. Or just hit Detroit with a hurricane somehow, someway, someday.

Captain winkie!
In other words, you have a dong tucked in your butt-crack, and right now you are farting upon it.
It's easy, just push your balls out of the way.

SELECT TOP 5 Isnull(null,'blerk')
GO

I'm relatively happy that I've never seen a dude with granny panties on his head.

Obviously, I can't dig a 3 foot hole with a spork.

"The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say"

Hakuna matata again

Is it bad that I was thinking of the song when I was doin' it?

I just felt like typing pussy infection in a sentence.

So, where can we practice humanist sexual behavior?

Reel Big Fish: punk influences, mixed acoustic and electric instrumentation, a busy horn section, major key tonality and a distinctive male lead vocal.

Kittie = chick band with more balls than fall out boy.

"Man of Poopy Britches has entered text"

Fuck my phone.
I throw this piece of shit out the window.

http://pandora.com/
It's relative coolness.

"Kant asserted that, because of the limitations of reason, no one could really know if there is a God and an afterlife. But, then again, he added, no one could really know that there was not a God and an afterlife. For the sake of society and morality, Kant asserted, people are reasonably justified in believing in them, even though they could never know for sure whether they are real or not."
Sounds good to me.

Well, I was wrong about D.L. getting whacked first on Heroes yesterday. Apparently he's only mostly dead cuz he's in the preview for next week's show.

"ive got three terrorist heading south on bakalakadaka street."

I wonder if butt doctors have a saying when their patients don't do an enema before the exam…like…"hmmm look at all that poop"

I unsnapped her bra.

"allow myself to introduce…myself"

It's only a crime if you get caught?
"Consequences dictate our course of action and it doesn't matter what's right, it's only wrong if you get caught"

So my back is hurt. Still, of course. But, hakuna matata again. I saw a chiropractor. I feel like I was at an auto mechanic. Well, my alignment's off, if we can't fix the problem then we'll send out for some more tests. Tomorrow, we'll see if we can fix it, but it may take a while to get it 100%. Do chiropractors go to auto mechanic school?
Well irregardless, the pain lets me know that I'm still alive, which is a bonus. I just wish I could get out of a chair without limping for 5 minutes afterwards.
Yes, John's a retard who hurt himself drying off his feet.

Cold french fries suck

I didn't get to see the baby polar bear on sat.
Wah.

SUPPORT. MY COMPUTER DOESN'T WORK
I HAVE AN ERROR ON MY COMPUTER I CANNOT GET OUT OF
PLEASE HELP

Old English!
Mickeys!

"we want the world and we want it
Now
NOW"

yeah lets fly to the sun. its like super warm. we'd get totally bitchin tans, y'know?

Batting cages == more fun than driving range

Jimmy John's == not so fast that I freaked. It took too long. They must have been misquoted in the commercial.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WazA77xcf0A
come now, laugh at the idiocy of Microsoft.
Lets join lambda lambda lambda.

"it wasn't me, it was the one armed man"
Mi arm-o es sore-o

"it was 20 years ago today. Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play"

I never thought that they'd make microwaveable Mac n cheese in my lifetime
Good thing that they did.
Even more lazy than regular mac n cheese.

"I'm not even supposed to BE HERE TODAY"

Question: did u know the dad from smallville is the dude who played Bo Duke?
Answer: I don't watch smallville, so, no.

What do they think this is? Summer camp?

"Oh poor twisted me"
I hurt myself drying off my feet with a towel yesterday.
Bad
If you notice that I'm blogging more, I'm probably at home not working after having back surgery.

Watch heroes tonight.

Nothin but a good time

"I believe there are infinite paths to accepting jesus christ as your personal savior"
That's Stephen Colbert.
I'd vote for him.

You know the saying "shoot me in the face"
A good follow-up question to that is…what is you preferred instrument of face shooting?

"We're big in Europe…woohoowoohoo"

Ok, I'm gonna shut up and drink my oatmeal now.

There are fetishes of erotic lactation.
I'd be down with that.

I talk to myself.
A lot of the time, I don't listen.

It's a good thing that nipples are not the size of the full boob.
That would be incredibly weird. I don't think I'd like boobs as much if it was all nipple.

http://www.4hiddenspycameras.com/wiairpu.html
have fun.

Is it true that George Bush hates black people?
How about the Chicago Police Department?

24 is a cool number. It's divisible by some good numbers too.

I had a celebratory soda yesterday. It was a pepsi. I usually drink diet pepsi, so it felt so accomplishing to drink the fully sugared caramel-colored soda.

Here's a tip….don't fuck donkeys.

Lets go white sox clap clap clapclapclap
Lets go white sox clap clap clapclapclap

I learned what STFU means yesterday. The hard way.

Johnny.clearqueue();

I realized yesterday that I have a very above average "devious cackle".
I don't do it on demand, I have to be thinking or doing something devious…or responding to something devious. I was cackling to the spy camera website yesterday btw. I have a good sinister laugh too. I'd be a good henchman.

Rold Gold makes bad ketchup

The uniform number 14 was worn by pete rose.

I confused the phrase "smack down" yesterday. I thought someone actually got beat up. That wasn't the case.
I don't like that phrase.

U2 = overrated

ROTFLWBIYM

I'm a fan of pasties. There's nothing like 2-2" circles covering about 40 square inches of boob.

If you made Ivanka Trump a retard through excessive…you know…unordinary sexual encounters, would Donald Trump have you whacked?

"doggy style" has an article in wikipedia, with pictures and everything.
"ass to mouth" does too.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/05/09/divorce.billboard.ap/index.html?eref=rss_latest
It's bad that the ad that came up on the page when I looked at it said "dad, what would happen to me and mommy if you died?"

"the donger need food"
Rolaids + a stick of butter?

If America is the great satan, what is England?

I'd like to donate my body to the Nerd Charity Sex Foundation.
It's one of those rare organizations that encourages beer for breakfast.

I'd also like to see a monkey smoking a doobie.

A cold shower would be nice right about now.

I sat on my balls again this morning.
My body is rebelling. My brain is on it's way too. I couldn't figure out 30 times 50 in my head yesterday.

"Academy Award-winning filmmaker Michael Moore is under investigation by the U.S. Treasury Department for taking ailing Sept. 11 rescue workers to Cuba for a segment in his upcoming health-care documentary "Sicko," The Associated Press has learned"
Interesting opening paragraph. I didn't read the rest.

I don't feel sorry at all for people who pay over $100 for a full tank of gas. You'd need a 30+ gallon tank gas guzzler to top off over $100. Screw them.

At night the sporks pick on me

If I swing a pink bat at softball, will the guys on my team beat me up?

I wonder if there's a fish called the "poonfish". Sounds exotic. I like poonfish wrapped in lace.

It's not like I have Eden's powers of persuasion. I'm more like…Ando, only much much less asian.
It'd be cool it Peter Petrelli was at a Chinese restaurant and his fortune cookie said "you will have a fulfilling experience with a cheerleader"

The tag contains duplicate 'Blerk' attributes.

"if you take the wings off of a fly, does it become a walk?"

I wonder if the fanta girls know how much sugar is in fanta. Lots of sugar doesn't equal hot Latinas. Got my point? And…the orange soda is not a significant source of vitamin c.

If I ever go to Europe, I hope im not considered American tourist scum. That gives me reason to learn another language. Or not.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DF81-dHxVwU
"Whether tackling racial and gender stereotypes head-on ("Racist?"), skewering the most sacred of sacred cows, (like Ghandi and Mother Teresa on "Nobody's Perfect"), or meditating on the nuances of anal sex ("Ron Jeremy"), Silverman's brand of comedy is as shockingly original as it hilariously classic."

Oops, I accidentally saved the first name field into the last name field. Shouldn't use Tommy John as a test for my database script, I guess.

Just my opinion, but gay & throbbing shouldn't be used in the same sentence.

Fangul.

"I'm Johnny Bourbon and I approve this message"

"Lloyd: You're it.
Harry: You're it.
Lloyd: You're it, quitsies!
Harry: Anti-quitsies, you're it, quitsies, no anti-quitsies, no startsies!
Lloyd: You can't do that!
Harry: Can too!
Lloyd: Cannot, stamp it!
Harry: Can too, double stamp it, no erasies!
Lloyd: Cannot, triple stamp, no erasies, Touch blue make it true.
Harry: No, you can't do that... you can't triple stamp a double stamp, you can't triple stamp a double stamp! Lloyd!
Lloyd: [hands over ears] LA LA LA LA LA LA!
Harry: LLOYD! LLOYD! LLOYD!"

"about as fun as an oral bowel movement"

A playlist with tori amos, Britney spears , fergie and lisa loeb. No further comment.

I wonder if Canadian punk bands sing about hockey and igloos.

misunderestimate me

It's really bright in my office in the afternoons. I should wear my sunglasses at night. Oh, that reference was terrible. I retract that statement with the sincerest of apologies.

I wonder if dudes with beamers use their car in their pickup lines. "Hey, I gotta beamer, wanna check out the backseat?"

It's my 69^th week at my current job. I doubt that number will mean anything kinky. No offense, but there aren't any ladies that I'd sleep with here. Any ladies that I'd 69 with? No, wouldn't do that either.

I was thinking…did it hurt?
It would probably be hard to do Shakira doggy-style. You know, with the hip action and everything. You'd probably need to pin her down. She'd probably wanna be on top…and bust your pole off.

You know in comedies how the music cuts off right before or right after a character says something either incredibly dumb or incredibly wrong? That doesn't make me laugh. That NEVER EVER happens. I have never seen, heard or been…the white guy in a room full of black guys, drops a N-bomb and music abruptly cuts off. Not only is that not funny, it never ever happens or will happen.

I was sooooo excited about heroes last night.
And you can file that under….completely unnecessary enthusiasm (not affiliated with oprah)

"I've lost the beeps, the creeps and the sweeps….That's not all he lost"

I have so many crazy Larry theories about Heroes.
This page doesn't help:
http://heroeswiki.com/Main_Page

Am I the only one that goofy stuff happens to after I get back from lunch? Maybe it's my diet. Or maybe it's the nyQuil that I drink in my car before I go back in.
I'm kidding btw.

"London is the new undisputed financial capital of the world…you hear that, terrorists?"

I keep forgetting to order t-shirts. No, strike that, I don't have money for the t-shirts that I want. I've been meaning to get a "Stewart/Colbert 2008" shirt and some silly shirt related to music that I can wear on stage (that is, if I wear a shirt on stage)

"standing in line, believing the lies, you're bowing down to the flag, you gotta bullet in your head"

I wonder if the Bush family is genuinely evil. That would explain a lot.

I know it's stereotypical but I bought a dark skinned man a mcRib sangwich a while back and he was ecstatic. I miss the mcRib, that's my point.

"Nice boys don't play rock n roll…im not a nice boy and I never was"

How ever can a lady kick a man in the balls more than once back to back. I can think of only one time where that will be appropriate…rape. Rapists deserve to get pummeled in their sacs until those bad boys don't function any more. But normal guys getting kicked in the balls twice for grabbing some ass or even saying the wrong thing…that's entirely unnecessary. Once, ladies, once. That's all that's needed. Guys understand a kick to the balls. They learn from that one.

Like a scrotum, here it is in a nutshell

First off, thank you all for reading. Over 120 blog views last week. The writer(s) at Johnny.Random truly appreciate it.

I declare myself an idiot.
I wonder if my idiotness has caused other people to develop into idiots as well.

The General Lee sold for 10 million bucks. Upon hearing this, I replied, isn't General Lee dead? I'm….retarded.

"so you grab your girls and you grab a couple more and you all can meet me in the middle of the floor. the air is thick its smellin right so you pass to the left and you sail to the right"

I have a theory that Pam Anderson was with Kid Rock because of his tiny penis (ie micropenis).
You know, it would definitely make sense for her to trade down after being with Tommy Lee's monster hog.

"alarm a llama, llama llama duck"

I completely enjoyed playing softball on Friday. I fell on my ass and got called Forrest Gump, but, I contributed to the team's win. I'm confident that I'll play better once I shake off the rust, and get over the fact that my legs are still sore 3 days later.

Let's celebrate Jim Carrey's lost awesomeness:
http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=23188
and relative badness, general sweetpants,
http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/americas/05/05/wife.sale.ap/index.html?eref=rss_latest

"Thanks God, A dog pile of piss poor physique on top of a small cock and hereditary alcoholism, I appreciate it!... I'm babbling. I do that drunk."

When girls are among friends who are girls, do they fart?

Dennis miller's advanced vocabulary and name dropping is entirely unnecessary in comedy. I thought it was a novel idea when I first heard it.
Now I realize it is beyond lame.

If a car costs over $120,000, does it come with free pussy? I really don't understand how automobiles can be 2x, 3x, 4x, 5x the price of more sensible and economical ones. What's the luxury in getting less gas mileage and having patent leather seats that you sweat on and stick to in the summer? The cars come with free pussy, that's the only logical (or illogical) explanation.

Overheard by a cubs fan:
"woohoo St.Louis is in last! Look at them! Point and laugh!"
It's funny when not being in last place is a celebration.
Despite my team's inability to overcome mediocrity, I will not be a fan of the team that caters to drunk hipster yuppies.

FYI…if you're ever somebody's wingman, and he calls you CB, that's not good dude.

"i thought we might end this evening with a discussion of the soul. All of the greatest religions speak of the soul's endurance before the end of life. So what then does it mean to die?"

Back to the things that I say that are unnecessary…
I like saying "tacos"…or "burritos" for no reason whatsoever.
Then, I die a little inside when there is no hope for the consumption of tacos or burritos in the near future.
I like saying "balls" as a negative statement, like if something goes wrong, I say "Balls". Or, sometimes for no reason whatsoever.
I just hope the same logic of the tacos & burritos thing doesn't apply to balls.

potty mouth

If the cicadas don't show up this year, are they making a statement against the war in Iraq?

Finally, something nice for cubs fans…this headline…"Dazed Cardinals swept by Brewers".
Then again, the brewers have the best record in baseball….and will continue to have the best record in baseball until Paris Hilton gives them all herpes. That's a prediction, baby!

"Europa and Ganymede are locked together in a 1:2:4 orbital resonance and their orbits evolve together."
Geeks unite!

Maybe I got some novocaine sucked into my medulla oblongata yesterday. That would explain a lot.

Sweet nibblets.
Yeah, I watch the Disney channel, that's right.

We have two new terms at my office…brown noise and brown alert. They're code for…you figure it out.

Barack Obama has secret service protection.
Good.
Keep the crazy white people away from him.

http://www.azcardinals.com/cheerleaders/squad.php
you're welcome. And don't tell me the raiderettes are hotter. Just thank me.

As some of you know, Marilyn Manson did a cover of the song "Personal Jesus". It's a little less gay than the original. But I like the original better. What does that say about me?

I hope that I'm not shooting blanks. A tv show made me think of that yesterday.

There's a feeling that I'm feeling right now that I haven't had for a while. Cubs fans are familiar with it. Sub-.500 angst. The white sox are driving me bonkers.

I just called myself a douche under my breath.
It could have been worse, I could have called myself a douchebag.
I must be getting more confident.

"it's not the size of the ship, but the motion in the ocean...well all I can say is, it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat"

Nachos would be awesome right about now.

Fuck tag! I wanna play doctor.
File that under "stuff Johnny never said as a child".

A while back I ate like half a tub of peanut butter as a snack over two days. That's like 1500 calories. It's stuff like that that make my weight gain much clearer.

Disclaiming

I'd like to begin this blog with a disclaimer:
This blog does not reflect the views or opinions of the johnnysitsatacomputer site. The writer(s) of Johnny.Random() merely prefer to make johnnysitsatacomputer laugh. If the reader(s) of this blog get a grin, giggle or laugh from the writing of the writer(s) of Johnny.Random, the writer(s) of this blog greatly appreciate it. In the event that something that the writer(s) write offends the reader(s) of this blog, the owner(s) of johnnysitsatacomputer claim no responsibility. This site is for entertainment only.

Pound, Wisconsin.
That's a cool place-name.

I didn't know that Madonna was of French-Canadian descent. I thought she got that from injection. Get it?
Also, the beastie boys opened for Madonna for their first tour. Madonna opened for the beastie boys after the show.

Btw.
Frethsca is not a valuable source of Vitamin C. But, it has grapefruit juice in it. I don't get it.

Detroit sports teams, I pretty much hate them all. No more comment necessary.

Punch my shoulderblade. Or my scapula.

It would be bad to yell out the chorus of "closer" right now, right?

If you dislike Peyton Manning because you live in Chicago and Indy won the super bowl, tough. This is funny irregardless.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_IMlgf4qxSI

I wouldn't understand the need to genetically alter the female form in any way. Especially the chest. 5 boobs, 6 boobs. That would be completely unnecessary.
Unless I had 6 arms, otherwise, you'd be talking about a position that my body just doesn't bend into.

SPOLIER: "The audience will become more conflicted about Sylar and begin to care about him as the show goes along," Kring teases. "Don't assume you know everything about him."

Thanks for reminding me…I have to change my name back still.
My name will not be Poopypants McGee or Shittles McFuckles.

Doorknob ankle toad.

It's weird how the pronunciation of Worcestershire sauce is. I wanna pronounce it different from now on.

We haven't talked about violating orfices with pickles yet. Maybe next week.

I'm glad I don't have a toe fetish.

The writer(s) of Johnny.Random wear two of those charity bracelets. One is Red. One is White. The red one is benefiting/supporting DARE. Johnny.Random believes that children should not do drugs. There is a time and a place for everything and it's called college. The white one is benefiting/supporting White Sox Charites. It also reads…2005 World Series Champions, which is bad-ass.

The cicadas are coming

I looked on a website and the predicted cicada emergence date is May 22,2007 in the Chicagoland area.
Crunchy.

"I wanna be a fireman! I didn't really wanna be a fireman--I thought I did. I just wanted to spray shit with a hose. That's what I really wanted to do. I wanted to be a like sprayman, -no! I was fuckin' good, I'm not laughing! I was really good with a hose. I could make it feel like it was raining-if you closed your eyes you'd think it was raining--THAT'S how good I was. You'd be like "Oh my God, it is really raining, it's very cold rain." If I got to a house and it was fully on fire, fuck that, I quit! I would just stand outside and watch it burn with everybody else and the woman next to me would be like "PLEASE! MY SON! HE'S SCREAMING IN THERE!" and I'd be like "Well he's probably on fire. That's what happens when you're on fire lady-- What are you doing out here. You fuckin' think-for-yourselfer! why didn't you make a map for him or something!""

I refuse to comment on the grounds that my answer may incriminate me.

Jim Beam treats me like a man.

I just remembered something about my first show with symptom. The bar manager at Brisku's was a cool dude. A bit drinky, but it was cool that he let my cousin in the place even though he was under 21. go to Brisku's and drink.

I wonder if anybody's ever committed suicide with a computer part.

Ozzie's a wanker. But, you can't blame the manager for everything. So, I guess, blame Rob Macowiak.

http://www.vh1.com/partners/vh1_music_studio/supplies/storytellers/pearljam/lesson04.html
I wish I had an assignment like this in High School. Dang.

"Advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage."

I hope that I never get deported to another country. I think that's against the law anyways.

Wanna get the chills from the lyrics of a song. Look up You know you're right by nirvana. Creepy.

I miss seeing Glennman playing air guitar with a big chocolate bunny.

The voices in my head are telling me to kill my computer.

"Nah, you start with the pills, the next thing you know you're putting in hydraulics. A hard-on should be achieved legitimately or it shouldn't be achieved at all"
"you don't hear the word "no" a lot, do you?....Well, I hear it all the time, only it's more like "no, please no!""

My burps have xml stylesheets, I'm a dork like that.
burp style="vomitinmouth=true; badodor=true; willkillpets=true;"

New words (well to most of you)
Scheyonkers.
Panooch.
Dispendagement.