Get the cashews

You know, spanakopita. It's Greek.

75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated.

Shit! The radio in my head is getting nothing but static. Time to change the channel.

The flying train in Back to the Future, that was gay. So was Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey.

Nice exchange over IM
Z. I hate wicker get it away
J. get it away it is very gay
Z. and by the way I just ate some hay, while I was on my way
J. dude, with rhymes that way, you should move to san Francisco bay
Z. yes there they pay
Z. but alas it is the land of the gay
Z. the valley is where I would stay

I wonder if Brittney Spears is still lactating. That's a good title for a pop song by a pseudo-alterna-emo-overmarketed-preppy-mommyboughtmyguitarandknowsarecordproducer band. Not that I'd listen to it, but a song title called "Brittney Spears has lactating nipples" would certainly make me grin.

There's certain people that I'm friends with that I wouldn't call bitch-ass. Even if they were being a bitch-ass, I wouldn't call them a bitch-ass. I'd just say "dude." But remember, "dude." doesn't always = bitch-ass. Sometimes it means punk-ass.

Glorious websites of the day:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuSihWz7LlQ
i cant even play this shit!
http://www.vidmeter.com/?v=eko3u2p8r3&p=4
find the J.T. video yourself.

Dunk my balls in curry. That would stink. They wouldn't be very tasty either.

"life feeds on life feeds on life feeds on life"

Well, at least there's hot bodies on askmen.com to make America safe. Safe from school shootings and kiddie rape, at least. More teenagers should looks at magazines like Maxim or Stuff instead of playing video games. Mostly naked women and articles about cars and gadgets are much more intellectually stimulating than killing other kids over a network with "the sword of a thousand truths" or a gatling gun.

In a catholic state of mind, could you call thinking evil things about your wife's hot friends "telepathic adultery"?

"I'll take "the rapists" for 500 please, Alex"

Courtney Love's selling off Kurt Cobain shit. That goofy drug addict cunt. You gotta wonder how fucked up Frances Bean is with that evil self-serving bitch of a mother. Courtney love probably insisted on John Mayer raping Frances for her 11^th birthday. Fuck john mayer, btw. I'm obviously not a fan of Courtney Love. Other than her, there's not many people that I'd actually prefer to hear that they died of a terrible incurable debilitating immunodeficiency virus. I'm not sayin I'm just sayin.

"I'm at the intersection of Seventh and Seventh…how can a street intersect with itself?!"

The people who write viruses are dicks. I'm a programmer, and I don't even know where to begin to write malicious software. What is the freakin point to make a computer program that just fucks with everyone's computer? Retarded.

reach around

I don't know if there's a gayer soda than Fresca. Just saying it, "Frethsca", sounds gay. Of course, it doesn't help that I've been drinking it. iSupport is one of my myspace friends. I hope they don't take my comments the wrong way.

So the Chicago Bears drafted a white guy in the first round. We'll see about that. Supposedly he's a tight end. I haven't seen his butt yet though.

The word "Vanilla" apparently comes from the latin word "vagina". I'd like some vanilla.

It would be weird if regular banks doubled as sperm banks. Instant deposits, in a couple of ways.

Fuck coffee, let's have some food. French fries. Bacon. Pizza!

"This young man has had a very trying rookie season, with the litigation, the notoriety, his subsequent deportation to Canada and that country's refusal to accept him, I guess that's more than most 21-year-olds can handle. Number six, Ogie Oglethorpe."

He who laughs loudest is a big faker.

I was appalled at something. I'm above average at something. The average number of pounds people gain in 8 months of working in an office job: 17…me:31. By now, its like 40. I'm not proud of myself, weird.

Watch the show Heroes. Really...

Did you ever want to punch a help desk lady in the cooter?

Once, I heard my boss say "happy happy". I thought there was something wrong with him.

Somewhere over the rainbow
…is a totally gay song that American idol singers cover badly.
It's homosexual, it has sex with other songs of the same sex, relatively speaking, of course.

People with heads up their asses…hmm this colon smells lovely. Wait, that's not possible. I wont explain.

It would be cool if the FDA put a "gassyness" factor on food labels. Like, the ratio of bad smells coming out the backdoor for regular people. I support that.

"Then I cornered the earthquake and I grabbed it by its ass and zen I pressed against ze earthquake's perky 19-year-old faultlines. Zen the earthquake said, "I thought you hired me for my skills." And I just laughed at ze earthquake. Zen ze earthquake ran out crying and zen I turned slowly to camera, took the cigar out of my mouth and said, "Now she's all shook up.""

Sometimes, and if you're not a geek you wont follow me on this one, I like to name my variables odd names, like ballsText or sexBox or fuckNstuff. I always change it back, you know, to be professional and all, but it still makes me giggle when I see the new variable…hehe, that's the variable I used to call oraList.

i slept sideways last night

I did about a minute on my elliptical machine yesterday.
I wanted to give it a try but I was hurtin.
I probably could have made it 5 minutes before my legs died.
I decided to stop before that point.
I really need to exercise.
"I'm also not a pussy"

Damnit, I have "hips don't lie" stuck in my head again.
"como se llama, bonita, me casa es su casa"

Am I retarded?...wait…don't answer that.

I had a symptom…other alcoholic dementia…it didn't last long.
Or tell them they have a 939.3 in their 752.64

Gambit used to be my favorite x-men character. I haven't seen any of the x-men movies, is he in them? Well, not him him, obviously, but his character? I avoid the x-men movies because of the ultra-gayness and media frenzy surrounding a certain character…let's just call him Bull-verine. Sure, he was probably pretty macho in the movies, but I can't stand him.

Allow me to quote the Zach…
"I castrate myself before thee"
George Harrison would be humbled by that humble offer of an apology.

Dennis Kucinich submitted a resolution to impeach Dick Cheney on charges of "high crimes and misdemeanors"
http://politics.slashdot.org/politics/07/04/26/133239.shtml
not that they'll get him. It's still kinda cool to see Republicans squirm.
I wonder if dick cheney's middle name is "Balls". That'd be funny.

There's a unwritten rule at my office, no excreting of bodily fluids on each other's desks.
I asked if the floor counts…or up against the cubicle wall.
I didn't get an answer.

Despite all of his rage, he still is a rat in a cage.

"he's on fire
Boom! Shaka-laka
The nail in the coffin!"

I understand that referring to yourself in the 3^rd person is really lame. Does it count if I say "Johnny likey"? I say that all the stinkin time. I don't want it to seem jaggish of me to refer to myself in that way…it's just the way I say that I like something.

A crackhead is a person who is addicted to crack cocaine.

"you know, like horse…but with baseball rules…and a home run is behind the meatballs"

Another thing that I'm curious about these days, and Crista, if you read my blog, help me out on this one…is road head/fingerbanging while driving illegal? Obviously, if there's an accident, that would suck, but what crime does that fall under? Like, can someone drive and two consenting adults have sex in the back seat legally? I'm pretty sure that people aren't supposed to fuck in public, like in the back seat of a car while parked outside a school or whatnot. But, is it legal to fuck in the back seat while someone else is driving as long as all the fun parts are covered up? I'm curious about these kinds of things.

Another legal question…what the deuce is aggravated robbery…or aggravated criminal sexual assault. Maybe I'm dumb (not maybe actually…I am pretty dumb), but isn't aggravated kinda synonymous with provoked??

I went to my brother's school's art fair yesterday. It was very cool to see some of the children's art work. It was cooler to see my brother interacting with his students and their parents. It really seems like he loves his job. I know what that feels like. It's really relieving to want to go to work. One thing that I look forward to in life is liking what I do, and knowing that I'll enjoy what I do for many many years.

This randomness has been brought to you by Johnny.Random()

80085!

Would you kick a dog named snowflake?
No?
How about tinkerbell?

So what do you think...is the US manufacturing intelligence to justify war with Iran?
Hopefully they use the manufactured intelligence to put more diplomatic pressure on them, instead of invading them
…but remember who we're talking about here.

Btw.
Fuck mike piazza
And his "just for men" hair

And btw,
My cholesterol is up again.
Time to learn how to cook, I guess.
And buy new pants.
Ug. Pants. Too. Tight.
My theory, fuck exercise, all it does is make me tired.

Also btw.
Somebody buy my house already!
It's sweet. It's sexy. It has bedrooms. And bathrooms. Even a kitchen. There's other rooms too, I forget what they're for but they're cool too.

"DON'T CALL ME A BITCH, I'M A GROWN MAN"

That governor in New Jersey who got messed up in a car accident, I couldn't help but laugh.
Not wearing a seat belt as required by law, while in a car driven by a state trooper.
I'm a narcissist.

I'm gonna vomit into a boxing glove and punch you with it.

All the spice girls, they should make a comeback.
But not in pop music.
In the adult film industry.
I'd buy that.

Hey, what wise ass do you think put the "swim across atlantic ocean" on google maps.
Funny, but pretty retarded.
http://maps.google.com/maps?saddr=Chicago,+IL&daddr=London,+UK&f=d&hl=en&sll=41.88414,-87.63238&sspn=0.765781,1.2854&layer=&ie=UTF8&z=3&om=1
you mean I can get to London in 29 days?
I'd have to swim like crazy.

"lumberg fucked her"

They're sodomites?
Why didn't they just say so?
That would explain a lot.
Especially the stench of butt from their mouths.
"Up your butt with a coconut."
"Is your name MFC? Monkey fucking a coconut?"
Heh. Puckered sphincter.
Speaking of asses, I'd love to eat bacon off Tori Amos's ass.
"wink wink nudge nudge say no more say no more"

Have I ever said that I have a heterosexual man-crush on Justin Timberlake?
I do.

Why don't they have any blue in the face-strangled emoticons?

Ever watch family guy?
The dark-skinned weather man is fucking hilarious
"IS GONN RAIN"
"IS RAININ SIDEWAYS"

I wonder what a hot alien looks like.
It would be really heinous (or non-heinous, I forget) if the alien was human-like and you were sucking the alien's tit, but that's actually where they pee out of, and you get pee in your mouth.

ja garu nu deva ohm

I ate a whole sleeve of saltines yesterday.
I felt like I accomplished something.
Then I thought to myself, dude, they're saltines.

"Burger". My name is Burger.
There is something wrong with the fact that I replied that.
I must eat too many burgers.

Mark Prior is a brittle bitch.
But I'm all sore in my calves, thighs and knees from dance class yesterday.
I guess…so am i.

I was listening to Elton John yesterday.
One of his pre-gay songs.
Does it suck that I know all the words?

I'm looking forward to all the "100 years without a world series" films.
That kind of losing history makes me feel warm inside that I'm not a fan of that team.

I had the wonderful experience of explaining the terminology of the "circle jerk" game in its most literal sense to my buddy Zach yesterday.
You know, lights off, pants down and a slice of bread…whoever misses has to eat the bread.
I've never played that game btw…especially with Sanjaya & Ryan Seacrest.

Unbelievable…
http://youtube.com/watch?v=GNcolqQjz30
I'm insanely jealous and incredibly amazed at the same time.

Dude is a word strongly associated with Generation X.
I'm still trying to bring back the phrase "wocka wocka wocka".
Or "zoinks".

There was a website that predicted the Yankees to win 110 games this year.
Looking at the standings, I laugh at that unpossibility.
Here's a good one, will A.Rod have more homers than the Yankees have wins by the end of the season?

I like the band with the Dave. You know the big-headed jag.
Dave, the singer of the 80s (and 90s and 00s) Chicago cub fight song.
The band with the brothers, one on the drums, the other on guitar…no not NELSON.
You know, Dave, Eddie, Alex and Michael.
They're hall of famers.
But fuck Sammy.

I'm a fan of Stevie Ray Vaughn.
…different than stevie wonder…SRV was a much better guitarist, not blind, not black.
…different than steven tyler…SRV is much deader, was more bluesy, doesn't have a hot daughter
…different than steve jobs…SRV was much more into booze, doesn't have a college degree, had a flight problem and ended up deader.
Plus, steve jobs is not very famous for wearing a rhinestone cowboy hat.

I work with some neat dudes.
Except when they "crop dust" across the cubes.
Our cubicles must have tracheotomies on the weekends.
We have a stinky office, scratch that…a few occasionally stinky cubicles.

"he had a lot to say. He had a lot of nothing to say, we'll miss him.
Standing above the crowd. He had a voice that was strong and loud, we'll miss him"

I'd really like to play an old school computer game right about now.
The original Sim City maybe.
That was a kick ass game. Even without the cheat codes.

My favorite lumpy bass loop, the humpty dance
My favorite bassist, Les Claypool (sorry Glennman, you suck compared to him)

I have an extreme dislike for critically popular movies. Like the Oscars, like, why would they give a big time award to a movie with a lame premise and plot? It's dumb to expect that anybody would want to see a movie like that, even if it's well made. Dumb-as-shit movies rock. Action blockbusters are a waste of time. Artsy movies are retarded. Clever movies, that's what I like most. Now that I think about it, I've watched a shit load of shitty movies, and my opinion doesn't matter, so don't mind me.

llama llama duck

Glennman, quit gnawing on my shoe!

Robert Plant's early 80's band was called the honeydrippers.
That's a sweet band name, but I think it should be two words
Shouldn't wolfmother be two words? Oooooh, it's a clever attempt to be clever.
Dumbasses.
Still, honeydrippers is a cool name.

"Who brings a weed whacker on a boat?"

I didn't want to suggest ken griffey jr is gay
He clearly prefers to have sex with chili bowls

On the theme of hating baseball players,
I now really fucking hate grady sizemore
Fuck him, and his family, and even his fucking pets
And castrate and histerectomize everyone in his family so there can never be more sizemores
Then feed him to glennman's cats

"This is the reason why your headache didn't go away: That's actually pronounced analgesic, not anal-gesic. Sir, the pills go in your mouth."

Well, fergie ferg used to munch carpet…that inclines me to wonder if the rumors about Lindsay Lohan are true. Chick celebrities who chow on box are much cooler than dude celebrities who eat wang. This is mainly because I can relate to the whole women finding women attractive thing, I find women attractive as well. Not that I'd TRY to turn a chica gay on purpose, I just wonder if in my early college years that I may have done so on accident.

Emo is a type of music…that is gay.
I will not disagree with that statement.
Emo says…you may, however receive an imbuement
And I refuse to accept the imbuement

It's cool that the cast of scrubs refers to Sarah Chalke as "Becky #2". I still refer to her as "Becky". If you don't know what I'm talking about, don't read my blog.

This would be a nice headline, almost could be a scene in the movie "Major League";
8 home runs, 4 hit batters & 18 curse words yelled at children.
Usually, it's like 3 home runs, 0 strikeouts, 1 hit batter and 5 curse words yelled at the "fat piece of shit umpire who can't call balls and strikes unless they finally remove his head from his ass"

Just remember, fist can be a verb.

I think monkeys are really into coprophilia, you know, with all the flinging poo and stuff.

"ride the king's highway baby
Ride the highway west baby
Ride the snake
Ride the snake
To the lake
The ancient lake baby
The snake he's long
Seven miles
Ride the snake"

Sox fan friends rejoice…I've found something to make you all laugh:
http://www.cubssuckclub.com/

Give a man a program and frustrate him for a day. Teach a man to program and frustrate him for a lifetime.

"So long and thanks for all the fish"

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Fonzie’s all f*ed up on ludes

"hope I die before I get old"
i retract that statement with the highest apologies and replace it with "sup, dude"

BIYM by another name would be testiculoaural penetration.

would you rather have sex with a girl who used to be a guy or guy who used to be a girl?

I'm ready to commit technocide. Ie. Kill my computer.

I went in a Crate & Barrel on Saturday. I was scared of the yuppies. ah! Oakbrook yuppies, run!

I have thoughts. Good ones. I'm thinking of you J
"Saturday night's allright allright allright wooooooooo
Saturday Saturday Saturday Saturday Saturday Saturday Saturday Saturday Saturday night's allright"

The stuff that I've been smoking…perfectly legal…yet unperfectly terrible for me.
I'll quit. Don't worry

lyndon johnson's policy in Vietnam: "Burn Children"

marvin gaye minus the last letter in his last name = a pretty gay marvin

"you still think the cubs lineup sux?"
"soriano, murton, lee, ramirez, jones, barrett, deRosa, and Izturis"
My reply: yes indeed, they suck a lot, mostly each other

http://www.smartusa.com/smart-car-fortwo-passion.html
i wonder if i can put i pussy magnet in the car. i think the fortwo comes without the pussy magnet
stole that from borat

"Me fail English? That's unpossible."

Wouldn't it be wild if an earthquake dropped LA into the ocean?
"as long as Orange County was still around I'd be happy with that."
Orange county = fucked
It's not something that I'll likely see in my lifetime.
It would be interesting.
Would it be wrong if I giggled on the inside if something like that happened?

would a bird die if you shot it out of a high-flying plane directly towards the ground?

the song basically went "I'm gay, I'm gay but my girlfriend doesn't know" and some made up verse
then "He's gay he's gay but his wife doesn't know" and another dirty verse
…we changed it…cuz we're not gay…I'm about 5% gay, I took the quiz.

I'd really like to see a baseball score of like 32-24.
A true football score baseball game.
It would be difficult.
You'd look for the team with the worst bullpen and the worst #5 starters
And the wind blowing out to center field at like 75 mph
Take the freshest rookie out of the bullpen and start them.
A game with like 25 home runs.
Grin

This randomness has been brought to you by Johnny.Random()

Mr. Rogers, where are you?

Dudes, I had to ask myself this morning, is it possible to hate an entire neighborhood for just one bad experience?
especially when there's thousands of spoiled, rude, yuppie, drunk-ass, bitch-ass, sodomizing, john mayer-dancing, disrespectful, impolite, impotent, wang-banging, gay cub fans
i answered yes

37?

1798 was a long time ago

"salad tossing experience required"

put your shirt back on

if you had a chance to fuck a celebrity, would your significant other let you?
You should talk to them about it
Just say…ill let you bang and 1 celebrity that you want..but I get to ball 1 too, and we get to pick which 1.
Try it.

"I wanna be your backdoor man"

Dude, couldn't you wait til you got home to do something like that?

I still think Katie Holmes is hot.
I'm more a fan of the Dawson's Creek era Katie Holmes, not the Tom Cruise-diseased-alienworshipping-nutcasepanooch era
Yeah, before the wackjob Maverick gave her the STD cocktail and turned her into a freak.

It would be weird to have sex with ex-american idol contestants.
Unless it was one of the girls who won.
Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood, definitely.
Fantasia, not so much, she sings like she's being blasted in the pooter hole.
Btw, I wonder if Clay Aiken is good in bed. he's gay, right?

"My only question is how did she come to have sex with the dead guy?"

I'm just another man in a hypocrite land.

Ever hear of a gonzo?
Look it up on urbandictionary.com
Look for pink sock too.

Im a fan of the boob.
Side boob
Top boob
Naked boob

How many files do you think you have on your computer?

Here's a guy question I came up with…and I've got mixed answers:
If you had the opportunity to go into a room of infinite size, with an infinite number of hot virile women, and basically hakuna matata. How many of them would you do? I've got the answer "All of them" but that's pretty illogical. You could really only have sex with 50 in a day, tops (and even that's a stretch), so you'd have 20,000 in a year, which, again, is a stretch. Plus you gotta consider that with all that sex, your pipes might not work as well after a while, you may get sick of it, I mean heck, having sex with 20,000 different hot women in a year, that's too much (hah). Then, you think that once you hit 60-70 years old you probably can't get it up, but the rules say nothing about pills, etc. But, having constant sex in your 80s and 90s increases your odds of dying during intercourse. Then Glennman brought up an interesting point yesterday, and sex has been shown to increase lifespan…and a hundred years from now, there'll probably be medical advancements to make elderly sex more reasonable, and lifespans to be much more long. Plus, boner pills and such may be just part of our genetics 2,000 years from now, and recovery time may be instant thanks to modern medicine. Can we really expect someone to have sex with 20 billion women. That seems unreasonable. Regardless, this is a conversation sure to evolve as the weeks progress. Maybe I'll keep you posted.

This randomness has been brought to you by Johnny.Random()

can i have a massage? lower.

Splurge, read, annoy, forget.
I could be a little bit more obvious. i think.

golf ball + car window = not funny
golf ball + exploding goose = funnier
golf ball + exploding goose driving a miniature cartoon car = hilarious

if i were crazy, would you tell me?
...do you think I'm crazy?

i hate commercials

Id love to counterfeit money. Id do $1s. you could buy a lot of vending machine coffee with counterfeit $1s.

do birds fuck?

rye bread rolls rock. fennel baby.

i dont take my shirt off cuz i think i have a hot body
i take it off cuz im hot

"Turn off your mind relax and flow downstream
Lay down all thought surrender to the void
But listen to the color of your dreams
Or play the game existence to the end"

I was thinking. Did it hurt?

Why would I want to make my guitar cry?
It didn't do anything wrong.
Why would I want to make love to my guitar?
That's fucking gross.
Why would I want to bust my guitar in a fit of spontaneity, impressing audience members left and right?
Guitars cost money, dude.

wyr
see a bad performance from your favorite band or die right now and see your favorite dead musician perform in the afterlife?

my tushie hurts. nobody cares, cuz nobody reads my blog.
heh i said tushie.

Dog cum is probably really gross tasting.

When i heard through the grapevine that people think I have a small penis, I called Ron Jeremy to set up a blow job contest and told everyone that my johnson was bigger than his when I invited them to the festivites.
His was bigger.

i put it in the fuckin sauce...

"I love the smell of war in the morning. It smells like…money"
when george bush speaks, i slip into a babycoma

if ryan seacrest wasnt gay, would he fuck haley scarnato?
maybe he'd sodomize her and stay gay.

"Show me the way to the next whiskey bar, oh dont ask why."

"Did he just say "making fuck"?"

i can feel myself getting fatter

Would it really be a huge catastrophe/sin if priests were allowed to fuck?

Would you pay to see people you know have sex?
I think id charge like $50 a person
Nah. $50 a couple

Johnny.vomit();
No vomit yet

"I hope he gets syphilis and dies. I hope his d*ck f**kin' falls off so his mother can eat it."

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