I'm an extraordinary machine

Have I mentioned that the phrase "humping a dead moose" is SO wrong? I understand that the idea of such a phrase is to go beyond normal rational thought to describe how bad your previously bedded woman was...but srsly, fucking a moose would be damn near impossible...and possibly pleasurable, who's to say...but fucking a dead moose, that's just rediculotarded.

I wanted to use the word "faeces" in a sentence.
done.
...and that's the old english spelling. Don't know if it's the funky ae letter thing.

half alabama hot pocket/half meatballs and mozzarella hot pocket
one of the above can be looked up on urban dictionary for a quick laff.

Bucket List Addendum: Bring back Greek mythology as a religious movement. Polytheism is cool.

speaking of dumb stupid unemployed rednecks without healthcare...I don't want to hear any sob stories from the leftist cocksucking media trying to drum up grassroots support for healthcare reform. I wanna hear investigative reporting regarding the chupacabra.
Yeah.
Kidding.
Or am I????
Face it, media, you're better off running stories about the 7 year old who can whistle with his cock, any anonymous celebrity who got beat by his wife (what, too soon?) or the 28 year old grandma of 3... than efforting on trying to get americans up off their obese blubbery asses. Don't you know Americans are afraid? The last administration dug that fear in so deep that we're fucking paralyzed. People who are afraid don't get up on soapboxes. People who are afraid of losing their jobs don't talk to their supervisor when another employee gets preferential treatment. People with no money and no job don't go crying to Congress that they can't afford glasses for their kid because people with no money and no job don't have phones.
I know. Painting with a broad brush. It's just that making bad analogies is so fucking easy. Just like it's so fucking easy to write a letter to a congrASSman. My point is, don't listen to me. Don't listen to the news. Don't listen to Jim Hendry. DO SOMETHING...or stay afraid.
Ok, I'm done.

I googled on the google images "zero gravity shower fuck" and received zero search results. Methinks someone needs to swipe my phone and take some pictures of such things for me. I'm kinda curious what sopping wet naked mamms would look like whilst another person performs a sexual act on said person's vaginal orifice whilst in space. You know, would they bounce like they do in regular gravity?

I blame the poo water that splashed my ball sac...ladies ab fitness dvds...and oils and whatnots.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/09/02/georgia.tot.slapped/index.html?iref=mpstoryview
I know, I know, old news. Still makes me laff tho. Tis better news than a local murder-suicide that occurred eerily close to my house.
http://peopleofwalmart.com/
Take that too.
Yeah.

btw, America still doesn't have topless weather girls, icydk. Other countries do. The word "Puritanical" comes to mind with a comment like that aforementioned btw.

One thing I'm really glad about is that fisting was invented. Not that I've tried it. Nor have I seen it recently. It's just cool to think about a whole fist, up in there.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if people still use the word "milf". Seems so 90s.

"The strongest scene(s) include Choco shooting a man's arm off"
...Now that's good writing
...and the part where that dood drops a big screen tv off a balcony onto a moving car. On purpose.

is it just me or would it be awesome if someone cross-breeded a whale with a horse? That would be some funny looking antics. If it survived, of course.

"Gwen Stefani, will you peepee on me?"
Notice the quotes...
...and yes, I've never seen an ass like that.

Holy ginormous female in my bed, Batman!
Batman replied: "Did you like it, Boy Wonder?"
Robin replied: "I don't remember. I was drunk. What was that game called at the bar, again?"
Batman replied: "Nail the Whale."
Robin replied: "Nail the Whale. Huh. That would explain why I woke up with my {censored} in fat roll cleavage."
Batman replied: "Yeah. You won. By far."
{Robin puts his underwear back on whilst shaking his head}
{end scene}

Fuck it, im moving to whereever I can daily see homeless people wearing tinfoil hats.
I'll be their leader.
Then go Josef Stalin on their asses.
Kidding.
Or am I????
lol

Running through hell, heaven can wait

Have I mentioned that gas was under $2 a gallon at this time last year? It was. The economy can suck my dick. OPEC too. They got to deep throat though. Without teeth.

I wanted to use the phrase "wow dude, my farts smell like plums" in a sentence.
done.
...and that's a direct quote.

half boom boom pow/half boom boom boom
Um...
Yeah.
[Ed. I want to fire you so fucking bad right now.]
Write me up then, celenedionfucker.
[Ed. Done.]

Bucket List Addendum: Keira Knightley.
No further comment necessary.

speaking of unnecessary butthole licking...I heard an announcer use the word "Tebowesque" in reference to Tim "Just wait until I'm in the NFL and everybody sees how much my talent set doesn't fit and I suck cocks for money" Tebow. Tebowesque. Really. Fuck television. Fuck football. Fuck sports. Fuck Keira Knightley. Fuck Disney. Fuck Mickey Mouse. Fuck Mickey Rourke. Fuck Rock n Roll. Fuck Britney Spears. Fuck asparagus spears. Fuck green vegetables. Fuck the color green. Fuck all the colors of the rainbow. Fuck rainbows. Fuck rain. Fuck precipitation. Fuck prepositions and adverbs. Fuck the English language for allowing someone to invent a word like "Tebowesque".
Fuck the English language for allowing someone to invent a word like "Tebowesque". Yeah.
That's what I was trying to say. Sorry I had to go to that in such a roundabout way.

I googled on the google "photobioreactors", you know, cuz I was looking for the most boring thing on teh internet that liberal cocksuckers get boners over. Kidding. Kinda. I recommend that anyone who gives any type of shit about alternative energy, read up on it. Apparantly the technology is years off to being ready on any kind of scale that would be useful but I like the sound of vagrantly vagrant algae being used to power my refrigerator. They seriously need to look into ways to make energy out of feces and garbage, Hinsdale smells awful. [Ed. That's because of the garbage, right?] No, I'm pretty sure the residents of Hinsdale poop regularly. ((FC. Yes, they have bowel movements, but I am informed that Hinsdale has a relatively modern sanitation system.))
Ok. We're done.

I blame Tim "lick my butthole, CBS" Tebow, Brett "lick MY butthole, FOX" Favre, Charlie "the unemployed eat even more doughnuts" Weis and Dave "still overrated" Wannstedt...oh, and Ron "PERFECT playcall, run the ball up the middle with no offensive line and an undersized running back...for 2 yards...you know, so the opposing defense KNOWS we're passing every down in the second half of the fucking football game cuz we're down by 4 touchdowns" Turner

http://health.yahoo.com/experts/eatthis/36451/the-best-and-worst-pizzas-in-america/
notice its from health.yahoo. I recommend the "worst" pizzas, of course.

btw, Civ 4 is awesome. Like, really awesome.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I'm not rich. I'd hate to shop at a Cadillac dealership and a wal-mart in the same day. Yeah. I shop at walmart, bitches. Remember, I'm all for child labor and human rights violations, so long as they're perpetrated by AMERICAN companies.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is what the scottish word for "vagina" is. The word seems too complicated for a scotsman to pronounce as it is.

"An intense opening sequence depicting a space battle in which various people are killed in explosions. One person is visibly hurled into space when a hole is blasted in the hull of the ship."
...Now that's good writing
...and yes, it's from a sci-fi action movie not titled "Star Wars"
I had to see Sylar with big ears. So? It's not like I'm gonna go all pocket-protector/ World of Warcraft now that I've watched that movie...and at least it's not 'New Moon'.

is it just me or would it be awesome to time travel to dinosaur time just to scare the fuck out of those animals? Hell, even the most fearless organism on the planet today would shit itself if a stealth bomber were flying directly towards it. Imagine doing that to a fucking T.Rex.
Make a T.Rex shit in fear.
Yeah.

"Excuse the fuck out of us!"
Notice the quotes...
I didn't watch the movie. Yet. I'll see if it's more badass when it's in the proper context.

Holy Donny Osmond! Where'd that glory hole in the batcave come from, Batman?!
Batman refused to comment.

Fuck it, im buying a parka and moving to the arctic.
it'll be desert in 12 years. the time to buy is now.
I can't wait til my pet polar bear is grabbing at his skin saying "get this fur off me, ass, im roasting"

Celebrate Thanksgiving...just like our forefathers...with football and overeating!

Have I mentioned that there hasnt been a plague of locusts and frogs in like, over 2000 years? Nor has there been a plague of hail mixed with fire like, at least in my lifetime.

I wanted to use the phrase "4 hour erection" in a sentence.
done.
Oh, and the side effect "back pain" from cialis...isnt from the medicine.
Think about it.

half mother/half father
Hmmm. To be a child's mother and father, physically speaking and not figuratively speaking. Can hermaphrodites impregnate themselves?

Bucket List Addendum: Find a million dollars. Wipe ass with some of it. Spend the rest on completely unnecessary technological items, porn, hookers and pot...that is the American way.

speaking of wastes of money...they make a toy for young girls...a baby doll that actually poos and pees. Not kidding. They need diaper changes. I guess when kids are getting knocked up in their early teens, it helps when their parents are pro-life retards whom buy their kid halter tops and pooping babies for christmas.

I googled on the google "incomplete list of impolite words list" I just wanted to find a few choice ones that I could include in the blog. I guess it's easier for cursing retards in this world to listen to the audio rather than actually read them.

I blame KISS and MTV.

No link today...just a potshot at American consumerism. Fuck Thanksgiving and Fuck Black Friday. I mean the original concept of thanksgiving is cool and all. getting together with family is kosher...but do we really need a holiday that condones overeating? Sure, there's tofurkey but those liberal cocksuckers who eat that are phony fucks who should move to France, forTwos and all.
I should invite an American Indian to dinner next year. He'll laugh, I'm sure.

btw, dogs can eat spam. Preferably, the one lower in sodium.

One thing I'm really glad about...and thankful for...is that the pharmaceutical industry is making millions of dollars. If they didnt have the incentive of making their stock price go up 4%, how could I be able to go outside in May without allergy medicine?

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if there's an equivalent to "white trash" for other races. Calling a different race "brown trash" or "tan trash" for sharing similar qualities as white trash just seems improper. I suppose I don't know the answer to this quandry because I was raised in the suburbs.

A doctor carrying an unlicensed nuclear accelerator on his back. Gigantic marshmallow man. Sigourney Weaver.
...Now that's good writing.
...and when someone asks you if you're a god, say 'yes'.

is it just me or is a quarter til 2 in the afternoon an awesome time for a nap?

"I know they were just kids, but we kicked their pubeless asses"
Notice the quotes...
Chortle.

Holy overcooked deepfried turkey, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "hmfph. I'll order a pizza."
To which Robin replied: "They're all closed. Wanna play twister instead?"
Batman shook his head no and went upstairs to make a grilled cheese sandwich.
Robin pouted and beat off to pictures of {censored}.
...they had an uneventful Thanksgiving at the bat cave.

Fuck it, im moving to a tylenol factory.
or aleve.
whatever.
So long as i can pilfer a few pills a day then sell em on the black market to people who can't afford insurance.

I had false labor, my butt baby isn't due til lunchtime.

Have I mentioned that "pour some sugar on me", if it is a sexual reference, is a really bad one? Come on now..."pour some sugar on me in the name of love"? Lets just hope he's not talking about golden showers.
Well, he IS English.

I wanted to use the phrase "dammit I'm mad" in a sentence.
done.
And its a palindrome too.

half octopie/half octopussy
I don't know how to pluralize octopus. I guessed. ((FC. Octopuses or Octopi, you're wrong on both accounts.)) And you're...um...gay on both accounts.

Bucket List Addendum: Buy a website, on it put a new diet fad. Hire a lawyer. Make diet's tagline "All the sugar, fat, carbs and sodium that you can eat" and in fine print put "not an actual diet". Laff all the way to the bank at the gullible Americans.

speaking of american me first attitude...there was an ad on tv for some new whackass automobile...with 403 horsepower...and this was a selling point. i have just one question...Why?! I'd insult America more, but I'm trying to be a census taker so I'll just say...if I know you and you purchase one of aformentioned vehicles, I will not hesitate to rape your asshole with a jar of peanut butter.

I googled on the google "synergy nude" and "synergy naked" just to see if a businessperson mayhaps made a site dedicated to coworkers that were moderatively attractive. There exists no such site. Business people don't have time for porn?

I blame the yuppiness of the goji berry...brett favre...and my headache.

http://rinkworks.com/stupid/
reason # 1 for outsourcing help desk overseas: we dont want to deal with dumb people.

btw, those of you reading on the book of faces...fuck the book of faces. repackaged (poop)myspace is still poop.

One thing I'm really glad about is that people can't swap brains. Zombies are the only thing on Earth that sould be allowed to attack humans in search of brains. That would be a hard fucking surgery too.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if I was dropped on my head as a child. It's not really something a parent would care to talk about, I'm sure. They wouldn't admit it...but they know. Deep down, every time their child says something like "What if a talking banana started singing 'it's peanut butter jelly time'?..." they're thinking "FUCK! maybe I did give him brain damage"

Not to play spoiler but...
"The character is then hauled by his broken legs into a large wooden craft, and burned alive."
...Now that's good writing
Especially because it was the highlight of the movie...and the character happened to be played by that all-star (not) of an actor, Nicolas Cage.

is it just me or would it be awesome to have a second row of teeth like a shark? that would be so bad ass. Teething would be a bitch tho.

"There's a thesaurus in the library. Yeah is under "Y". Go ahead, I'll wait."
Notice the quotes...
I like when people make fun of meatheads. [Ed. You mean like Bears fans?] Yeah, I'm having so much fun from the sidelines staring at the meatheads still on the bandwagon.

Um...Batman...how drunk were we last night?
To which Batman replied: "Fuck you, Boy Wonder, you're the one who roofied me."
Robin proceeded to put his pants back on.
{insert awkward moment here}

Fuck it, im moving to someplace that the American dollar has like EXTREME buying power.
Then retire there.
Even if the place sucks, as long as they have teh internet, I'll be fine.

The results, if any, should be discarded

Have I mentioned that I haven't had an alcohol-related passing out whilst puking and waking up hugging a toilet problem in quite some time now? It's true. nor have I been tossed out of a bar for puking in their kitchen in at LEAST two years. Johnny.bourbon is drinky less bourbon, obviously.

I wanted to use the phrase "hawaii is more expensiver" in a sentence.
done.
[Ed. I hate you.
Let me count the ways:
1. Poor grammar.
2. Poor spelling.
3. Poor grasp of leetspeak.
4. You're poor, kinda.
5. Your gay jokes suck worse than you do.
6. You made me hire that fact checker gay douchbag. ((FC. Fuck you, Editor, I know where you live)) Shut up, fag.
7. I miss your sweet ass.
8. I forget what 8 was for
9. For your lost god.
10. For everything, everything, everything, everything.]
Hey, at least we're on the same page. Ass.

half System.UrbanInfrastructure.EpicFailException/half wtf is this road construction taking so fucking long for...now 294 isnt gonna be done until 2010. fuck every single project manager, union member, politician and orange flag means slow down waver fuck who is associated with these interstate highway projects. fuck them all.

Bucket List Addendum: Hire carnys (not of the shitty tv show "Heroes" variety. I mean seriously. Mohinder's back. Nathan's back. Electric Elle, nowhere to be found. And that awfully acted excuse for a cop is still there. And Cheerleader isn't showing more skin since she turned 18, nor is she kicking more ass. Fuck that show.)
Shit.
Where was I?
orite. carnys.
Hire carnys to partol the sidewalk around my house.
Fuck.
I don't have a sidewalk.
Ok. let them hang from my tree in the front lawn and scare passing children and motorists.
Yeah.

speaking of witless fucks without jobs...I wonder why the word half-wit is used to describe people with less that average IQs...and not people who are only kinda funny. I'd call myself a half-wit cuz my wit is only a little above average. Or is it whit? ((FC. No, you're thinking of the definition wit- The ability to perceive and express in an ingeniously humorous manner the relationship between seemingly incongruous or disparate things...and not the definition wit- Keenness and quickness of perception or discernment; ingenuity.)) Shit. Maybe I am a half-wit. In more ways that one. [Ed. I'll second that.]

I googled on the google images "Ancient Roman Porn"...you know, just to see if they had the internet back then. They didn't but they did have some interesting drarwings. So, what they say about the Ancient Greeks might be true, but the Ancient Romans seemed to have gotten it on...with dicks in pussies.

I blame Henry Hyde...the band name "Mr. Mister"...and futbol telemundo.
In that order, but make sure Henry Hyde gets the stricter sentence. Jury-less. And death by firing squad if you can muster that.

No link today. Please though, in all seriousness. Moment of silence for Nancy.
..
..
..
She passed away earlier this week. My track record with in-laws passing away seems to be getting worse. Nancy & Bill we're thinking of you. Wake me up when November ends.

btw, the closest waffle house location is 176 miles from my current location. Franchisees, take note...open a fucking Waffle House near Chicagoland, you shitbag buttfucking clowns. I'm sick of seeing IHOP commercials. Fuck IHOP. Open a jesusdamn Waffle fucking House. I don't care if its 45 miles away in some suckhole like Calumet City or Gary, Indiana. Just fucking build it. I'll even say the magic word...Fucking please.
Ok I'm done.

One thing I'm really glad about is that the baconator at wendys doesn't cost 70 billion dollars each. Wendy's is one of the few fast food locations that I am not currently boycotting. I'm suspicious that their "double stack" isn't a quarter pound anymore though. I'll let you know. We may have a boycott.begin() on our hands.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is why my doggie is out of his "must mercilessly eat all stuffed animals in sight" phase and is now in the "hmmm, that paper looks tasty, lets lick it" phase. I guess he's growing up. He's not entirely dumb, just, um, odd. [Ed. He learned from the best, the writer(s) at johnny.random.] Ass.

"I know my haiku's are freaking intense
but even the words I made up to sound French
don't express my feelings for your toilet parts.
I would show up for our pottery class
dressed like a pirate with John Water's mustache
On a unicorn that shits your name in stars."
...Now that's good writing
I'm just glad they released it as a single.

is it just me or is Keanu Reeves one of the worst mainstream actors, like, ever? It's like, him or Al Pacino. Signore Pacino has the issue of overacting. Forrest Gumpish Keanu has the issue of looking like a tard whenever he's supposed to look serious...and looks like a community theatre actor when yelling, screaming, crying, fighting, whacking off, surfing, raping children, etc. [Ed. I'd correct you on the 'tard' thing, because we've been over it, but you're pretty spot on. Keanu is a bit of a tard. You have seen Point Break, right?] ((FC. Allow me to interject with my opinion as well. In researching the internet movie database, I have found no less than 20 distinct cinematic instances of Keanu being a tard, and no less than 11 distinct film instances of Alfredo James Pacino overacting. I concur with your assessments.))
Ok, we're done.

"I look at all the lonely people"
Notice the quotes...
Fuck lonliness. Go join a bowling league or something, lonely people.

Holy unshaven beard is itchy, Batman!
{Batman looks at Robin}
Batman: "I didn't think it was possible, but you look even more gay with facial hair, Boy Wonder."
{Robin shrugs and gropes Batman's groinal area}
{censored}
{censored}
{censored}
...
the writer(s) at johnny.random will not describe the next panels as to spare you the horror.
[Ed. They fuck, don't they?]
No comment.

Fuck it, im moving to a Suessian wonderland.
It seems way more vibrant than some crazy kookoo bananas chocolate factory.
I suppose I'd like to see what a brown bar-ba-loots and a moth-watching sneth look like in real life.
Yeah.
...and no, I'm not on LSD.
...and no, I'm not the walrus.

Ligers and Tiguars and Tenderheart/Kodiak Bears, oh my

Have I mentioned that I liek pie? I do...oh, and the caveman from the geico commercials killed Kennedy. Not sure which Kennedy, but, yeah. [Ed. Can we get a fact-checker on this, please? I'd like to avoid libelous lawsuits.] What?! You don't trust me? ((FC.er I retreived no references to John Lehr, Jeff Daniel Phillips nor Ben Weber commiting nor attempting a murder of any person or persons named Kennedy nor with the surname of Kennedy.)) [Ed. Thank you.] Ass.

I wanted to use the phrase "We've recieved an ID-10-T error from our client" in a sentence.
done.
Get it?

half basting in teriaki sauce then setting ablaze/half lemon dill & breadcrumb broiled
I'm talking about salmon filets, obviously.

Bucket List Addendum: Make a dark movie.
Cast Johnny Depp and his hot little ass as the male lead.
Cast Helena Bonham Carter and her awesome tits as the female lead(Christina Ricci will do if she's contractually obligated elsewhere).
Demand full nudity.
Make Edward Norton the killer.
Let him kill the other characters in a psychotically cool way.
???
Profit!!!

speaking of money... I like it when my bank's check deposit program does a += on my account. I just wish it would hit an infinite loop on accident until my checking account reaches epic amounts.

googled on the google "painless death". Do not worry. I am not commiting self-pwnage nor am I interested in committing a heinous crime. I was just curious.
The first article was somehow about Terry Schiavo. There's a question regarding whether dehydrating is a painless death. I think I'd just rather die in a more interesting but sudden manner. There's got to be a better way!
I was hoping for something different, obviously.

I blame burkas...that water tastes so damn plain...and a partially injured clavicle.

http://www.auction.com/residential-auction
Just don't buy the one I want or I'll jerk off onto your face and hair whilst you sleep, then take a dump on your chest. A nice and steamy one.

btw, when you cast from a number, it helps if the number is less than infinity. Obviously, Infinity plus 2 is out of the question.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I don't talk in the second person all the time. Or is it the fourth person? Shit. I don't know. ((FC.er The writer(s) at Johnny.Random talk occasionally in the third person. The second person would be if you said to yourself "you want pie.")) [Ed. You want cock.] You do? [Ed. No, you, you do.] He does {points at fact checker}. ((FC.er The fact checker(s) at this internet site do not prefer the taste of homosexual penis in mouth(s).))
{Giggle}
He's so gay. [Ed. Yeah, totally gay.]

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if a seeing eye dog is trained well enough to not rip a blind guy's arm off if you blow an air horn in its ear. I totally want to do that.

Micky Rosa: [while Choi is stealing everything that isn't nailed down in the hotel room] *Hey!* You steal The Bible, you go to Hell. Those are the rules.
Choi: Like I'm not going anyway.
...Now that's good writing.
The rest of the movie...meh.

is it just me or would it be cooler if zombies ate technology instead of people? That would rock, seeing zombies gnawing on laptops and blenders and iPods and pneumatic drills and such. Unless they have no means with which to gnaw on technology. Then it would be like watching a senile old man gumming a chocolate long john.
Clarification: When I say long john, I don't mean my cack. I mean something that may be purchased at Dunkin Donuts for less than a McDonalds dollar menu item.
Clarification: When I say chocolate, i mean the edible flavored topping, and not poop.

"if the elevator tries to bring you down, go crazy"
Notice the quotes...
I'd like to code the brain program to do that occasionally.
Then laugh when I see it on the news.
if (elevatorDirection == ElevatorDirectionEnum.Down) Action.Perform(GoCrazy());
else Action.Perform(Hum((SmoothJazz)Music.Popular));

And now for something completely different, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "You're doing chicks now?! Excellent, Boy Wonder!"
To which Robin replied: "No."
To which Batman replied: "Fat chicks who kinda look like guys?"
To which Robin replied: "No, Batman, I've found Jesus, he's my lord and personal saviour. Here's this pamphlet for my church."
Batman paused.
{censored}
Oh my god! Somehow Robin ended up with a batarang lodged in his aortic valve.
To which Batman said: "Yes, officer, it was the strangest thing..."
-end scene-

Fuck it, im moving to just outside Mammoth Cave.
Then do that "Honey, I blew up the kids" thing to myself.
Then look for a natural earthy orifice.
...
I'm sick.
Like. Really.

Sharing a drink called lonliness is better than drinking alone

Have I mentioned that I've never tossed anyone off the log flume ride at six flags? Well, I haven't, the seatbelt was too tight.

I wanted to use the phrase "yeah?! Well, I hate you infinity plus ONE!" in a sentence.
done.
infinity is cool.
The Infiniti QX56, though. Fuck that. Fuck infiniti cars. fuck them infinity plus two.

half 9,223,372,036,854,775,807/half 7FFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
that's the maximum size of a number(19), in two different formats. [Ed. Fuck Oracle.] Yeah. Fuck it. Fuck Oracle in its jesusdamned connection orifice. And fuck the Ancient Greeks for building the Oracle. And fuck the latin fucks for translating that ancient greek word into a different word. Then fuck the Old English fucks for translating that Latin word into the word "Oracle". Fuck the word. Fuck everything Oracle. FUCK.
Ok. I'm done.

Bucket List Addendum: Buy a hummer dealership...then blow it the fuck up. Preferably with people inside whom wish to buy hummers. Fucking kill them all. Then roast marshmallows over the fucking flames. yeah.
Clarification. by the word "hummer"(s), I mean "pieceofshit automobile" and not "orally performed sexual favor that may or may not be in exchange for money"...and now that that's clear, it should be obvious that by "dealership", I mean "automobile dealership" and not "brothel".

speaking of religious oddities...one thing they don't say about heaven when you're growing up is...what you go to heaven AS. If you're 82.275 years old when you die, would you go to heaven and spend eternity as a wrinkled poop factory? When you get to heaven, they say all your friends and family will be there. But what if they don't recognize you? Heck, your 12 year old buddy who got turned into creamed corn from a mack truck wouldn't recognize you as a incontinent alzheimers fogey. And if you die when you're 105.01725 years old and you don't remember shit...how the hell are you gonna remember ANY of your family and friends. It's rubbish to think god restores your memory when you die. O that's right, your SOUL goes to heaven. Your soul will remember things. Right. I think my brain just puked on that one. Philosopher, I am not. I guess you have to have a ton of faith or a brain full of stupid to believe such nonsense.
Ok I'm done.
...and to my catholic-ish reader(s), no, I'm not the devil nor am I the devil's advocate.
I don't believe the devil exists either. Figuratively speaking, yes. But, no.
Ok. Now I'm done.

googled on the google "flame retardant underwear". Yes. It exists. Now all I need is a flame retardant scalp. The underwear, however, is more like "long johns" than boxer-breifs. Probably really snug on the fuckin calzones if you know what I mean. And, the shits expensive as fuck. You better seriously be using those things on or around flames, considering they're over $50 a pair. And by pair I mean 1. Fuck money. Just set yourself on fire next to a lake or something so once you get fully ablaze, you can just jump in the lake.

I blame Al Pacino...and Phil Collins (again)...and the McDonalds Mushroom & Swiss Angus Burger.

http://www.netflix.com
fuck blockbuster too. fuck them in the dvd hole.

btw, there's no vertical align on window's forms TextBox control. Nor is there a legit Height property. In order to adjust the height, you need to set the font size to bigger, set multiline to true, or make your own control. Microsoft sucks dicks, obviously.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I've never been punted into a pit of despair. 1) cuz it would take a big ass foot and a helluva lot of force to punt me in any direction...and would hurt. and 2) pits of despairs suck.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is when I became a rational thinker. When did I start putting strings of thoughts together in a nonsensical way to form something sensical? [Ed. Is the answer "never"?] Ass.

[we see a bush in the middle of a field]
Announcer: This is Mr. Nesbitt of Harlow New Town. Mr. Nesbitt, will you stand up, please?
[nothing happens]
Announcer: Mr. Nesbitt has learned the first lesson of not being seen: not to stand up. However, he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover.
[the bush blows up]
...Now that's good writing.
English humour is so fucking underappreciated.

is it just me or would skydiving parachuteless then landing upon a sewing needle thats jagging out from the ground be a bad thing? That fucker would rip right threw ya. Methinks the other injuries would be more fatal-er. [Ed. "more fatal-er". Shit. You make my job too easy. I just don't understand why they make me write in brackets to point out your mistakes rather than actually correcting them. One more thing, quit cursing, you're pissing off the FCC, you pigfucker.] Well, you're a horsefucker. [Ed. And you're a chickenfucker.] madrepadrefucker! [Ed. Shitfucker!] Bearfucker! [Ed. GayMouthFucker!] LLAMALLAMADUCKFUCKER! [Ed. CELENEDIONFUCKER!!!!11111ONE] Ouch, dude.

"Hey, I was in the neighborhood. I thought I'd come by and take a shit."
Notice the quotes...
yeah.

The doctor said it was malignant, Batman!
Robin died. Teh butt cancer beat teh aidsillisohnorridearpes.
Don't try and pronounce it.
Just mourn his death by teh butt cancer.
...and to my catholic-ish reader(s), light a candle, say a prayer and giggle that Robin is going to hell for being such a flaming homoseckual.

Fuck it, im moving to whereever the fuck phillip seymour hoffman lives just so I can stand aside his driveway to curse him out for being such a critically acclaimed actor, despite the fact that I think he fucking ruins every piece of cinema that is unfortunate enough to have his name associated with it. fuck him. fuck the town where he lives. fuck hollywood. fuck everything.
fuck.
curseword.