is the answer jesus?

Have I mentioned that I haven't yet used a rubber mallet as a weapon? Yeah, I know, life sucks if you've never used a children's toy as a weapon once you reach adulthood...oh, and I've never slit my OWN wrists. hehe.

I wanted to use the phrase "you will be waffled" in a sentence.
done.
I can't decide on which definition of the verb "to waffle" to use in that case. Figure it out yeself.

half adjusting the variance of rubberized component pressurization/half verification of hydrocarbon lubrication for operative engine components.
In other words, checking the tire pressure and checking the oil. Betcha they can overcharge for it if they called the procedures what I called em.

Bucket List Addendum: Spit take onto a politician who says something moderately relevant in my presence.

speaking of overproduced cgi-suck fest movies that try and reinvent shit from my childhood...I watched the new GI Joe movie. I was prepared to be underwhelmed. I was overwhelmed by my underwhelmedness. It started off so badass but the last 80 minutes or so wasn't even worth the gigantic boner that the first 20 minutes induced. I actually wanted to fuck the dvd hole of this disc at one point i was so entertainedly aroused, despite the fact that my mushroom head wouldn't fit in there and even if it did, would get chafed beyond repair. By the time the submarine battle came up, I wanted the bad guys to win cuz the GI Joes were so badly acted, badly cgi'd, badly written and just straight up lame. Its watchable, don't get me wrong. I just hate it when my childhood is ruined by Hollywood...and that goes to you X-Men Origins: Wolverine, too. Gaying up Gambit REALLY pissed me off.
Ok. I'm done.

googled on the google "has been actor suicide" just for obvious reasons. I guess the kid from Terminator 2 tried to off himself. I was hoping someone more famous would show up in the results, for obvious reasons. I hope Nicholas Cage has the self-pwnage bug bite him in his tiny little white talentless ass.

I blame Phil Collins for, well, you know...that there's water at the bottom of the ocean...and Jerry Seinfeld's mom.
In that order.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2JlVqfC8-UI
is sfw. and classic. and funny.

btw, methinks glowsticks are not cool anymore. nor are cavarrici pants rolled up at the bottom. [Ed. ...nor are blogs.] Ass.

One thing I'm really glad about is that care bears never broke out of their cinematic prison zombie-style and started raping real bears. With my luck, I'd be eated by a tenderheart/polar bear hybrid. And by hybrid I don't mean in the automobile nor in the sexual orientation fashion. Just so we're clear on that. I kinda wonder if a (((zombie) cheer) * brown) bear hybrid could take on a regular grizzly bear.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if midget females have normal sized vaginas, because I have heard that midget cack being disproportionately large to their body size is not a myth. You'd think that midget females would hafta have a vag to fit a midget cack inside...but who am I to say, I don't know shit about shit, remember?

"In one scene, a man and a woman are behind a curtain as they sing, casting their shadow. The man's sword angled so that, in the shadow, it looks like his abnormally-long penis is rising up to the woman's crotch."
...Now that's good writing.

is it just me or is the "feeding gremlins after midnight" kinda screwy? It doesn't take time zones or daylight savings time into account at all. It would be fucked if you knew the rule but the mogwai is on Grenwich Mean Time.

"I feel like a gerbil smothering in Richard Gere's butthole"
Notice the quotes...
I do, though, kinda. Just, minus the gerbil in butthole reference.

Stab me with a turkey lacer and stuff me with onions and celery and croutons, Batman!
To which Batman responds: "You're a Robin, not a turkey, Boy Wonder"
To which Robin grins and sez "Then stuff me with your {censored phrase} until I {censored phrase} then {censored} on my {censored adjective & noun}"
Batman was silent.
[Ed. I thought Batman was gay for Robin too.]
No, it only seemed that way. Robin's the gay one. Heck Chris O'Donnell played him in the movie, doesn't that fit the casting?
[Ed. He's gay?]
Yes, and his wife doesn't know...nor does his stripper/mistress...nor does his dominatrix...nor does his publicist/side panooch...nor do his 5 kids...nor does the babysitter that he bangs in his beemer...nor does his daughter's 10 year-old best friend...nor does his dog.

Fuck it, im moving to a bowling alley.
I'll sleep during the day and be a geezer manual pin setter at night.
Only if I can work during cosmic bowling so I can see which chicks have cum-stains on their clothes when the black lights are on.
Yeah.

Life's a bummer when you're a hummer

Have I mentioned that I would really like to open a bank and call it "First Not Fucking You Blindly Out of Your Money Bank"?
Fuck banks.

I wanted to use the phrase "Bowie used Egress" in a sentence.
done.
yeah, thats a shining force reference.

half "to the pain"/half "inconceivable"
im not gonna explain. you should know.

So today is the last day that I'm gonna do a "so today is..." passage. Yeah, it's retiring. I think it sucks. And licks. It's a bisexual passage that has lost its relevance. Plus, I don't wanna write it anymore.

speaking of inconceivable actions...I had a full butt over the weekend and considered just pulling over and straight-up pooping in someone's yard. What crime is that? I'm pretty sure it's illegal to defecate on someone's property, especially if you're using the landscaping portion of someone's property and not their bathroom.

So i ran over previously roadkilled roadkill this morning so I googled on the google "squirrel roadkill". it was cool. I recommend this google search...and its even cooler with safe search off. If ur sick like me, look it up...oh, and they should make bug zappers for squirrels. fuck squirrels.

I blame the spongebob sickpants video...the fact that the band "Bad Company" was vain enough to make a song "Bad Company" and release it as a single...and halloween candy

http://www.y8.com/games/Whack_Your_PC
this game is right up my alley. Play the associated games like whack your ex and whack your boss. The boss one, though, try not to play it at work.

btw, computers can't get swine flu. Wrong kind of virus. Unless a hacker made a virtual one. I bet its a Trojan. or a Magnum.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I never electrocuted my cat back when I had one. But if I did, say, coat a bare electrical wire with catnip...would that be arson if the flaming cat set my house on fire? Or is there an actual crime for feline murder?
and no, I don't know why I'm on a animal-killing trend today.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is why the fuck i shaved my head. impulsive behaviour be damned. And no, I'm not joking. It is not fucking easy to be bald when it's 40 degrees outside. I'm gonna be fucked in January.

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read"
...Now that's good writing

is it just me or does deep fried bacon sound like an awesome idea? Get on that, stat. There should be a bacon-off to see who can cook the tastiest bacon the fastest.

"I should play god and just shoot you myself"
Notice the quotes...
...which would actually work as a line for me, which is a good reason for me to not own any automatic firearms.

Holy monkeys going ass-to-mouth in front of hundreds of children, Batman!

Fuck it, im moving to a gigantic uterus.
That would be so bad ass, to live in a gigantic artificial uterus.
especially if you could hook ur belly button to a feeding tube.
but i like eating with my mouth. shit.
oh. then there's the problem of getting jizzed on when the condomless gigantic artificial penis starts fucking the gigantic artificial vagina thats attached to ur gigantic artificial uterus home.
Fuck.
I guess I'll just stay put. No jizz for me thank you.

I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger

Have I mentioned that the word "doh" is close to the word "dough"...and they sound the same?! You can use dough to make pizza! pizza is awesome!

I wanted to use the phrase "it wasn't me, it was the three-armed man" in a sentence.
done.

half tomorrow never knows/half yesterday, all our troubles were so far away
the beatles were conflicted, obviously.

So tomorrow is Halloween. I almost cared. I think people stop caring about halloween when they turn 40. So, soon it will be ok for me to say bah humbug, halloween...until then, I'm sporting my franz-josef facial hair style in support of my halloween costume. Sometimes, I surprise myself.

speaking of terrible examples of 80s music...if you know the song "lay your hands on me" by Bon Jovi, it is the prime example of the 80s in general...starts off rockin then turns to awful 80s lipstick glam hair band REAL quick. Bon Jovi has been awful for about as long as David Lee Roth has not been in Van Halen. Owait, he's back in Van Halen. I forgot. Fuck Sammy Hagar, btw.

googled on the google how likely a person is to win something in McDonald's monopoly game. I came across something interesting in regards to the actual board game. There actually has been a mathematical study done that shows the game is fair, probabilitily speaking.
I know, I'm a geek, but at least im not a cunty sony vaio. [Ed. You racist.] Fuck that, Sony Vaios are cunty bitches, especially the ones with Windows 7. Fuck them. 6 gigs of ddr3 memory, pfft.

I blame fibergalss canoes, a pantsless john mayer standing next to me playing "you give love a bad name" on air guitar, and tar purging from my lungs.
In that order, minus one of the prestated blameable offenses.

no link today, but i will give you something to ponder.
There hasn't been research done on this, but there should. I've mentioned something like this before in this blog. Illinois just isn't that creative with their city names...but if my hypothesis is true, maybe there's a reason they named Havana, IL the way they did.
So...Which place name has the most people of foreign descent whom are from a nationality in which the original place name exists?
How many cubans live in Havana, IL? How many Egyptians live in Cairo, IL? Greeks in Athens? Chinese in Canton? French in Paris? English, Indian, German, Israli, Canadian, Spanish or Sweedish in Salem?
I'd go on but I don't have the jugular fortitude at the moment

btw, the only zztop member without a bearded face is named "Frank Beard".

One thing I'm really glad about is that they make malt liquor in 6-packs now.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if theres a chocolate soda that exists that also does not suck ass...and makes ya horny. and no, thats not a a2m + butt pee reference. Canfields sucks. Yoohoo isnt really soda, and sucks.

New blog format! w00t!
A mentally challenged police officer wearing a speedo, sporting a huge erection, dragging a vacuum cleaner and saying a line like "I said, don't disturb me when I'm cleaning my room"
...Now that's good writing.
if you dont get it, the dude is using the vacuum cleaner to self-pleasure.

is it just me or did those of you who had imaginary friends, murder said imaginary friends in a drastic manner with a lawn dart back in 1983? [Ed. {backs away from keyboard}] Ok, so I'm the only one? [Ed. I'm not going to say a thing.] It's about fucking time, you technoassdouchemicrosoftcuntwalmartkellyclarkson.

"unwed mothers should be sterilized"
Notice the quotes...
and yes, people do believe that.

Holy sombrero and assless chaps-wearing monkey clapping his hands with cymbals on them, Batman!

Fuck it, im moving to A.W.E.S.O.M.E.
Thats the future acronym of my evil lair.
I havent decided what it stands for yet, though.

Who do you think you are? A Kennedy?

Have I mentioned that margaritas are a good time eraser? I havent used that method to erase time in a while. [Ed. I hope you are speaking figuratively. Time exists no matter what beverage is consumed.] Jesusdamn, you are SUCH a computer.

I wanted to use the phrase "man, that's some good kleenex" in a sentence.
done.

half happyFoodMoment.Go()/half addictiveFoodVariable == true

I think I like the painter Dali because his name is close to Deli. Delis are awesome. Pastrami. Prosciuto. fucking cheese! yeah man.

speaking of cheesy goodness, I wonder why I've never made myself a grilled cheese sandwich with bacon. Everything is better with bacon, except for maybe contact lenses...and whiffle balls. Shit. Nevermind. Could you imagine trying to hit a whiffle ball made out of uncooked bacon. That would be AWESOME.

googled on the google videos "dude getting eaten by a tiger" just because I figured that teh internets have everything and surely someone has been eaten by a tiger whilst someone had a digital recording device of some sort. There tweren't any videos of such things happening. There were a number of "lesbian power" video blogs though...which were interesting to say the least. Maybe "tiger" is the new "pussy". I kinda wanted to see someone get eaten by a tiger tho.

I blame the fact that G.I. Joe cartoons ended with "...and knowing is half the battle", yet they never said what the other half was...and stray cats (the band).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HkrCjeF6eSY
is SFW...and funny. buy it.

btw, ninjas are no longer cool. Ninjas are passe. Ninjas reek of homosexual buttsecks.
[Ed. Do you mean like lube?]
No, I mean like poodick, crisco and scented candles.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I've started using the curseword "Bollocks" and noone has called me on it. Unlike when I was using "Barnacles" as a curseword, which was often laughed at.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know, is instead of governmentally forcing stupid people to not have sex, why they just dont tramp stamp them with something like "FUCKING RETARDED" so smart people don't knock up dummies unintentionally.

I wonder if third-world countries are easy to take over and dominate as a dictator. I'm not sayin I'm just sayin.

is it just me or would it be cool if pinatas were animatronic? Especially if they were muy cerveza pinatas. That means drunk pinatas methinks. [Ed. Es un pinata muy barracho.]

"god is gonna kick your ass, you infidelic pagan scum"
Notice the quotes...
and no, I don't know if infidelic is a real word. it comes from the root infidel methinks.

Holy Bacon-wrapped fried green tomatoes, Batman!
or bacon-wrapped and chocolate frosted edible underwear! w00t! wow! great idea!

Fuck it, im moving to a third world country that I can puppeteer and use as a stepping stone towards world domination.
Thats kinda a lot of work tho.
I guess I'll just move to the jagged-up part of Wheeling and take that over.

fuck titles

Have I mentioned that I'm not a fan of parallel parking? It's the suburbs fault, I suppose.

I wanted to use the phrase "how often do you call your computer a cunt" in a sentence.
done.
but really, now often?
[Ed. You're not saying that I'm a cunt, right?]
I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

half boredom induced masturbation/half erection not subsided after masturbatory action [Ed. You mean priapism?]
Yes. That. [Ed. Call your doctor(s). That's serious.]
No, not me. I can't even get hard, remember? [Ed. orite, the Ron Jeremy gay porn shortage.] Ass.

Overdrinkethness. Thats a cool word.

speaking of remodeled bras, just think of how awesome it would be if the new bra design that I mentioned yesterday could also function as a purse. Yeah. Purse boobs. And yes, I do see how bisexual that statement is.

googled on the google "trichomoniasis" in the google images section.
I was hoping for something different, obviously.
I was looking for trichomes and I thought that was the technical term, for some reason.
I was wrong.
Open sores wrong.

I blame Norman Cook [Ed. LOL! Fatboy Slim is Norman Cook! Gay!]...and the fact that Taylor Swift will someday be a Sugar Momma.
What?
She will. She's bookoo rich, dude.
Well, not Oprah rich, but she's got green.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/73362/saturday-night-live-jeopardy#x-4,cClips,1
yes. hulu is free, and darrell hammond is funny. Not much else new to say.

btw, the beatles were not the only artists whom were famous to have recorded at the abbey road studios. Other illustrious acts such as The Alan Parsons Project, Manfred Mann, The Spice Girls and U2 [Ed. Overrated], have recorded there as well.

One thing I'm really glad about is that the emo movement has seemed to die a slow and painful death. You know what that means, right? That means its socially acceptable for emo-chicks to come out of the closet as lesbians! that's a helluva way to try and get back into the mainstream: EMO, NOW WITH LESBIANS!

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if latino people called me a gringo behind my back sometime in my life

I wonder what countries still have monarchies. And no, England doesn't count. I'm just curious because I also wonder if regicide is still a relatively common crime. Or even attempted regicide. Or even if they call it regicide whenst translated into English.

is it just me or would it be awesome if phones could taser their users if they text whilst driving? My other invention would be sensors at intersections that trigger something in a car which enters an intersection after a traffic light has turned red, and displays the number of times said driver has ran a red light on a LED on the trunk of the car. So the cops can easily identify traffic evildoers. Sure, its BigBrotherish but I don't give a shit.

"I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina"
Notice the quotes...

Holy Gringos fucking in the back of a Chrysler almost-minivan-not-quite-an-SUV, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "You can't call a white person 'gringo' if you're white, Boy Wonder"
To which Robin replied: "Why?"
To which Batman replied: "It's like the n-word except only latinos can use it towards white people."
To which Robin replied: "Oooooooh, so thats what Raul was saying last night when he was pummelling my {Edit}"
Good save, editor. There's already too many childhoods ruined as a result of johnny.random.

Fuck it, im moving elsewhere in America.
America can be occassionally cool.
There's gotta be a town or two in this jesusdamn country that is consistently normal.
And by normal, I mean, there isn't a single citizen who performs random acts so retarded that it makes me want to pummell electronic sources of news [Ed. Your doctor didn't say technocide is a sideeffect of the Chantix, did he?] Shut up. I'll kill you.
[Ed. .]

What's puzzling you is just the nature of my game

Have I mentioned that the movie "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" is one of the best movies that I've seen? Well, if I havent told you yet, now I am. Watch it. Left jab my scrotum if you don't like it, see if I care.

I wanted to use the word "nihilism" in a sentence.
done.
It's one of those that looks like a cool word...and also has the definition to make it even cooler.

half knob creek bourbon/half pepsi
I know, thats a lot of bourbon with that ratio, but I like a heavy pour.

So today is the beginning of day two. Yeah, I'm back on the wagon and appreciate the support.

speaking of support...someone needs to invent a better bra. Like, without straps...or fabric. Yeah. Oooh, one that doesnt press down the nips either. How it can be done, I don't know. Combine Science and Fashion and a bunch of dirty-minded dudes and I'm sure they'll figure it out.

So I googled on the google "Barenaked Ladies" with safesearch off just to see if I could trick the google. Google was s.m.r.t. I mean s.m.a.y., doh! enough to return a result set of only the band. Not even a single bare breast until the 5th page of results. I'm not sure whether I'm pleased or not.

I blame the fact that I'm confusable...and Tom Selleck's moustache...and alcohol vs. Chantix-related hallucinations
And those three are unrelated. I did not have a hallucination of Tom Selleck's moustache.

http://www.mademan.com/chickipedia/faith-leone/
methinks that's who depeche mode is singing about in the song "personal jesus"...except for the fact that the song was released when she was 4 years old.
I'm um, dumb. [Ed. That's a gross understatement.]

btw, Donald Faison (Scrubs-Dr. Turk-2001-present) was first moviefied in 1992. I dig him and his movies, but found out that he was in the show "Felicity" before he appeared on "Scrubs". I'm so conflicted now. Methinks he needs to retire if he has such a craptastic show on his resume.

One thing I'm really glad about is that there's not special fonts for serial killers. You know, like the magazine cutout letters and shit? Criminals are lazy, so such an invention would surely help serial killer productivity...but like I said, it's good that they haven't invented that yet.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if it's phsyically possible for me to ever win the Miss Universe pageant. Not that I'm gonna get a sex change and oodles of plastic surgery, I'm just curious if an unlimited amount of plastic surgeries ala the Million Dollar Man could make me a hot chick. [Ed. Ok, so you have cd tendencies now?] No! I've never even worn panties in my life...well except for that one time...shit, two times...[Ed. Enough! Don't explain! We'll just leave it at that and let the reader(s) question your sexual ambiguity.]
Fine....I love {censored}. [Ed. LMAO. Got you!]

I wonder if Roman Polansky and Woody Allen have the same lawyer. What? Too soon?

is it just me or would it be awesome if the human body were designed to sleep for 1 day a week and thats it? And by one day, I mean one whole day...like Sunday. 24 hours of sleep in a week sounds cool. Especially since you'd be awake for 144 hours straight the rest of the time.

"you don't need a face to have sex"
Notice the quotes...
I can't see how someone would fuck Nicholas Cage's bad acting no-face from the movie face-off either. Apparently a face isn't a requirement anymore for horny people. Or maybe its just a reference to ugly-face syndrome. I can see that.

Holy shit, if socks could get pregnant, I'd have a Catholic amount of kids, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "Damn, Boy Wonder, you need to get some ass, lemme call up Cat Woman"
To which Robin replied: "Holy Halle Berry's naked mulatto invisitits, Batman!"
To which Batman replied: "It's all pink on the inside...{and in a gruffer voice}...It's all...pink...on the inside"
To which Robin whispered, but we luckily intercepted: "I'd rather fuck Jim Carrey circa Batman Forever, Batman!"
Batman proceeded to spank away the gay. Interpret that how you prefer.

Fuck it, im moving to my lungs.
Get a team of red blood cells to help me scrape all the crap off my cillia.
Yeah.

Look at my hairy nipples

Have I mentioned that I've never huffed paint? Like voluntarily, I haven't. I wonder where I can buy some leaded paint so I can really fuck my shit up.

I wanted to use the phrase "do as i say not as i do" in a sentence.
done.
yes. hypocrites exist. I am one of them. [Ed. {Apply Sarcasm} You? A hypocrite? Nooooooo. {End Sarcasm}]
Seriously? [Ed. Yeah. The Blogger wont let me use Sarcasm XML tags, dude.]

half at a medium pace/half at a pace consistent with making a van commence rocking
Clarification. The half containing a medium pace shall involve spitting on hand(s) and stroking of cock(s) (of the non-chicken variety)
Clarification. Shampoo bottles may be applied to medium pace only if shampoo bottles are seen, stuck upon the dorsal orifice, and the pushing in and out of said shampoo bottle is done at a medium pace. [Ed. But, there's poo in there!]
Clarification. If female behaviours involving the donning of a phallic item strapped to the pelvic region are performed, said female is allowed to correct the speed at which said phallic item is suckled, if the speed of suckling deems the reduction of speed is necessary, to a medium pace.
Clarification. Whilst actions performed at the speed that commences van rocking are occurring, other homo sapiens shall heretofor not approach said van and commence knocking.

So today is not the day that I buy a shitload of babyfood, coat a stripper's breasts with said babyfood, then suckle upon them until said food has been consumed. It'll be a different day. Or never. Yeah.

speaking of video games that require guitar attachments...Guitar Hero 5's got Peter Frampton. Yeah. That's right. Suck it, alternative rock.

Under no circumstances should "kids in the sandbox" EVER be searched for in your google searches on the google. Trust me. NEVER look at that video. Don't say I didn't warn ya.

I'm feeling funky so this'll be the first of 2 links today. Enjoy. Check out "More from FrogDude14" as well for funny randomness of johnny.random-ish style. I almost sharted whilst watching the vid of the teabagging schoolbus. Is SFW, but don't watch if you have a proclivity towards seizures.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYKa43p2wck

http://cache.gizmodo.com/assets/resources/2008/05/geek_gang_signs.jpg
yes. it. is.

btw, lockheed martin has been paid over $20 billion just this year alone, by the US Government. Chew on that.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I've never had a dildo inserted into my urethra. I doubt I can ever equal the amount of pain that that would cause.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is if you can track a storm system all the way across the globe and back. I mean, all this rain we've been getting, is it the same low pressure cell of say, 2 weeks ago?

I wonder if the artist known as "Pink" has big nipples. I don't want to actually SEE her nipples, I just would like to know if they're big. [Ed. You're gay.] Ass.

is it just me or was stevie nicks smokin hot like 25 years ago? I need a time machine to go back in time to fuck her. [Ed. We've discussed this. Time machines are a bag full of bad.] orite. fuck time machines...but only if they're not used to go back in time to fuck stevie nicks.

"his balls actually tasted like nuts"
Notice the quotes...
Clarification. I don't know what my balls taste like. During the summer, they seem to seep with chili scent.
Clarification. I don't know what other male balls taste like. The saying is, after all, BIYM.

Holy sushi-flavored bearded clam, Batman!
[Ed. Niiiiiiiice.]
Yep, that's a femaleparts reference.

Fuck it, im moving to Hollywood.
I'm gonna be an actor.
I'll make it big and get plastic surgery and buy an evil lair and become a hermit.
Just kidding. Fuck Hollywood, I hope it drops into the ocean.