I forgot about dre

Have I mentioned that I didn't vote for blackpresident, nor would I vote for his awful track record in this election? I suggest you follow my lead, unless of course you think that 4 more years of insufficient progress, lies, pandering to big oil and big money, a joke of a foreign policy, a poor balance between socialism and government debt, astronomical corruption and business as usual are the way to go. In my research into viable 3rd party and independent candidates, I found that they are putting forth more than the usual amount of anal suckage. The libertarian party would be nice to vote for, if they weren't republican-lite...and the repubelickans would be ok to vote for...if they weren't so republican.
In other words, I'm hoping for a coup before November.

Johnny.Random's 4 random thoughts
1. if I'm ever struck by lightning, please change my pants before the medics arrive. trust me on this one.
2. since I believe in evolution and all, how close is eating gorilla to being cannibalism? (recurring random theme warning, on both the gorilla and the cannibalism)
3. if i ever own a house on a hill, someone please call me every other day or so to make sure I haven't been raped. trust me on this one.
4. when will baseball simulation games cease to be fun to me? when I'm retired?

The fluid of the day is mugwump jizz, salt water and a pint of fire ant blood.
Fictional animals can jizz too, you know.

god came down to the middle east and said "what do you mean by 'death to america'?...little harsh, don't you think?".

I wanted to use the phrase "tip-toed around the dead body" in a sentence.
Whilst shooting their last movie, matt damon and ben affleck tip-toed around the dead body on the set as to not wake it, not realizing that no matter how much noise they made, the body would still remain dead but would still know the depths of their gay for each other.
done.

johnny.random's "captain obvious" statement of the day: "all-star games are overrated"

Rule 34 of the day - Joey Lauren Adams, Katie Holmes, chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and Dr. Hannibal Lecter.
Plenty of supple orifices in that one.
Throw Christina Applegate in the mix and you got an all-star game worth watching.

moment of silence for "Playing in the house that Peyton built"
..
..
done.
soon.
I'm sick of it already, it needs to die.

Bucket List Addendum: Join the Black Eyed Peas as the white guy. make one million dollars. die.
2 of the 3 would be sufficient.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "santa may not be real, but satan is."

speaking of blasphemous cretins...I've had enough of the political fundraising endeavours that have been calling my cellular telephone. Just because I'm a registered repubelickan doesn't mean I have money, you asses.

I had a dream, you were there. You said it would be fun to cliff dive off the Napali coast of Kauai. I disagreed. You jumped, and got eaten by a rabid dolphin. I laughed, and walked my dogs to Amy Smart's house and frolicked with her for a bit.
...and by frolicked, well, you know what I mean.

Hi, I'm not going to watch the super bowl...and ur not.
...yeah

I googled on the google "Hannah Montana drunk"
Videos aplenty.
Rather concerning that "Hannah Montana drunk driving" came up on google's googly autofill though.

I blame 4:20, your guts (I Hate 'Em), and taco bell's fire sauce.

http://dragonvale.wikia.com/wiki/DragonVale_Wiki
addicted much?
yes i am.

need a one way plane ticket to anywhere? call johnny!
need a room booked at the hotel california? call johnny!
need a $4 gas card for the low low price of $3.99 (tax not included)? call johnny!
yes that's right! johnny is way better than travelocity! give him a call today for a sweet deal on complimentary candies! No request is too random!

if you could penetrate britney spears and/or lindsay lohan with a solid marble doric column, would you? I'm sure you can find some partially deteriorated ionic ones at some ruins outside Rome, but doric may be a stretch. pun intended.

Just because you were born ready, doesn't mean you're still ready.
My bad, it was my community college acting up.
Notice the no quotes.
Yeah I wrote that. Dumb, right?

Just remember, there's a time and a place for everything, including play-fighting with a blue-nosed pitbull whilst a PETA spokesperson fingers herself whilst blaring drivel at your over a PA system.

"narts"
File that under: mispronunciations that are hilarious and educational, and thusly should be in urbandictionary.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I haven't caught herpes from Gretchen Wilson yet.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is how so many of our rock n roll icons have not exactly aged gracefully, yet Mick Jagger still looks like he's in his 50s.
Oh, plastic surgery, right.
nevermind.

...and so johnny.random does some research...7 deadly sins
Hypothesis, it IS possible to commit 7 deadly sins at once.
Lust- easy. Think about our Rule 34 of the day. That's lust.
Lust & Gluttony- still easy. Think about our Rule 34 of the day whilst eating at Old Cunty Buffet.
Lust, Gluttony & Greed- getting a little harder (that's what she said). Think about our Rule 34 of the day whilst eating at Old Cunty Buffet and trading stocks on yer smartphone.
Lust, Gluttony, Greed & Sloth- it's hard. Think about our Rule 34 of the day whilst having workers from Old Cunty Buffet deliver (but I don't wanna eat liver) course after course to you lounging in bed and trading stocks on yer smartphone.
Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth & Wrath- Ug. Think about our Rule 34 of the day but beat the crap out of Dr. Hannibal Lecter for taking all yer womens (hehe greed and wrath wrapped up in a bow) whilst having workers from Old Cunty Buffet deliver course after course to you lounging in bed.
Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath & Envy- I got this. Think about our Rule 34 of the day but beat the crap out of Dr. Hannibal Lecter for taking all yer womens and wish for Brad Pitt's demise so Angelina's lips could be upon your funparts also whilst having workers from Old Cunty Buffet deliver course after course to you lounging in bed.
All 7 Deadly Sins- No problem, esse. Do all of that whilst preening in front of a magic mirror that praises how awesome you are.
hypothesis- approved

johnny.random recommends: not watching any of the following movies:
Monster
Slaughtered Vomit Dolls
Taintlight
Battle of Los Angeles
The Wicker Man (unless you want to see badness happen to nicolas cage)
Bitch Slap
The Day The Earth Stopped
I am Number Four
Clash of the Titans
Sanctum
Sucker Punch
Monsters
...you're welcome

"The gym teacher abuses students, the lunch lady looks like an Oompa Loompa and a mountain troll had sex and she was the result"
...Now that's good writing

Challenge: "Forty Six & 2" to "Chevy Chase" on the wiki in 9 steps
1) Shadow (psychology)
2) Fantasies (redirects to Fantasy(disambiguation))
3) Pimpin' Ain't Dead
4) Z-Ro
5) South Park, Houston
6) Dr. Martin Luther King (redirects to Martin Luther King, Jr.)
7) Richard J. Daley
8) Saturday Night Live
9) Chevy Chase
See, I told you he was awesome.

is it just me or would it be awesome to dunk tortilla chips into beans whilst you're refrying them? Fuck burning your tongue, that shit would taste awesome.

"It feels like a Smurf jizzed all over my face!"
Notice the quotes...
in other words, it smurfs like a smurf smurfed all over my smurf!

"Now why don't we tie a knot, bump uglies, and ride the pork bus to Tuna City?"
...and that's how babies are made.
Too bad that was one from one of the movies that I just told you not to watch...

Holy flesh-eating zombies, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "Fuck, Boy Wonder, It's a fucking MOVIE. For the last time, zombies aren't real!"
To which Robin retorted: "But what about that time you were on salvia? You acted like a zombie."
Batman face-palmed and ran to his computer to double-check that the videos that were leaked on the internet of his last 3 salvia trips were properly removed. They weren't so he called his congressman to push for the renewed efforts of SOPA legislation.
Yep, you heard it here first, SOPA is all Batman's doing.

Fuck it, im moving to inside a container of parmesan cheese.
Shut up, I'll shrink myself first.
...unless it's a big fucking container.
I would forever be known as a dude who smells like parmesan cheese.

Every picture tells a story

Have I mentioned that I bought a vacation home? No? Good, cuz I was lying.

Johnny.random's 4 random thoughts
1. Go back in time and give American Indians some machine guns. Trust me.
2. If I was a cannibal I wonder which cut I'd prefer.
3. Christmas lights would probably accentuate my ding-dong. Not the rope lights tho, hipster I am not.
4. FYI, 'fag' isn't a valid word in words with friends.

The fluid of the day is that peanut oil that sits on the top of old peanut butter. I wanna cook with peanut butter peanut oil so badly. End with adverb I do giddily.

god came down to the middle east and said "I was way cooler when you called me 'ra'"

I wanted to use the phrase "80s new wave hairdo" in a sentence.
So back in the 80s, the 80s new wave hairdo was particularly popular, especially among trashy 20something cum-dumpster chicks whom often orgified with hair metal bands (ironically, not with new wave bands) upon california king sized mattresses.

johnny.random's "captain obvious" statement of the day: "Steve Martin has had white hair for a long time""

Rule 34 of the day - a palm tree, without its palms, having sex with a cave. Not a euphemism.

moment of silence for the holiday retail boom
..
..
done.
only a 3% increase. pfft. Probably because they were giving the shit away.

Bucket List Addendum: The same thing I do every night, horsecock, try to take over a Dennys.
Well, that, or stick my dick in a guitar amplifier.
I can't decide.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "basketball isn't entertaining enough. they need to make a mutant league basketball video game and/or actual game. I would buy it. "

speaking of nocturnal emissions...I finally bought myself new underwear for xmas. Very festive, I know. I went all out spending on myself, 100 pack of CD-Rs and a 4-pack of boxer briefs. The plus side is that I did not ring up any debt at all this year.
I felt pride!

I had a dream...I was sporting a Tom Selleck moustache and battling Goldie Hawn in arm-wrestling, letting her win of course, when Dave Grohl rode in on a gorilla and started raping random bottles of gin (he has a terrifyingly small wingwang). Candle wax started dripping from the ceiling onto Goldie's top (did I mention it was see-through?) so she took it off. The gorilla mauled then ate Goldie Hawn, and I lost wood.
It was weird.

Hi, I'm not a spouse batterer whom uses a potato gun to fire old ivory piano keys at said spouse...and ur not.
and by you, I know who you are, you sick fuck.

I googled on the googleImages "medieval chastity belt".
it. was. AWESOME!

I blame...Sicily, that cunt with the purple dress at that thing I went to back in 1997, and a-cup breasts.
...for everything

http://cardsagainsthumanity.com/
it's mostly sfw.

need a used life-sized dildo mailed to your ex-wife or now-gay ex-husband? call johnny!
need someone to drop a piranha into an public aquarium in front of dozens of children? call johnny!
need someone to clean your toilet whilst wearing pants? call johnny!
yes that's right! johnny is the only random task manager in the Chicagoland area that doesn't own a late model chevrolet corvette! give him a call today for his discount exclusively for plus-sized women! No request is too random!

if you could penetrate britney spears and/or lindsay lohan with a two legged barstool manufactured in Sarajevo? Why from Sarajevo, you ask? The better question is - "Why not?".

I held in my pee and popped a blood vessel in my eye.
My bad, it was my community college acting up.

Just remember, there's a time and a place for everything, including setting a termite hill on fire with turpentine in exchange for a jiffy lube oil change.

"I thought you were straight"
File that under: Things heard in prom bathrooms spoken by cheerleaders regarding their football star boyfriends.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I don't have a superhairy chest. I would be so ashamed to take a shirt off in public if that twere the case.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is why eddie murphy and adam sandler became such sellouts and decided to make the most awful movies in modern comedic history. They were so funny once. It's such a shame.

...and so johnny.random does some research:
Hypothesis: Hotness of First Lady directly relates to effectiveness of President.
Jimmy Carter
-wife: Rosalynn Carter - Had the sort of face that you can't help but put your dick into.
-relations: That down-south closet-porn star was fucking that shit nightly, I mean, who wouldn't?!
-presidency: Overall, he was considered a complete failure. Too busy fucking his wife.
Ronald Reagan
-wife: Nancy Reagan - not bad looking. not particularly good either. I'd have banged her tho.
-relations: The gipper was the oldest president, before the age of viagra. You do the math.
-presidency: The dude got shit done. Whether he was a success was besides the point, he got the russkies to back down even.
George HW Bush
-wife: Barbara Bush: The ugliest First Lady of the century. Driest vag this side of Texas.
-relations: Are you kidding? If my low-standards wouldn't have balled that bitch, why would the most powerful man in the world?!
-presidency: Kicked Saddam's ass. Didn't suck completely.
Bill Clinton
-wife: Hilary Clinton: Pantsuit notwithstanding, and despite the fact that she graduated from a Maine Township High School, I'd still make myself a "Chelsea" with that snapper.
-relations: It's pretty obvious that the bitch didn't put out so the prez had to find the occasional side panooch every couple years.
-presidency: Balanced the budget for the first time in decades, fucked a chick with a cigar and blew his load on her dress. Not bad for being sandwiched between 2 bushes.
George W Bush
-wife: Laura Bush: Schwing!
-relations: Dubya no doubt soiled the Lincoln bedroom with his dirty sex with that tail most nights of his 2 terms
-presidency: Do I even need to explain his suckage?
Barack Obama
-wife: Michelle Obama: Has the kind of body and swagger that would make a gay prison butch go straight...and stop committing crimes and rapes.
-relations: Haven't you seen the twinkle in blackpresident's eyes when he knows he's gonna stretch out that starfruit later?
-presidency: Buckled under pressure more than a fat man's belt.
hypothesis- approved.

johnny.random recommends: not eating fish tacos then playing hockey.
Seriously, trust me on this one.
At least spring for the beef ones for everyone else's sake.

"Come on dad, I ain't no runt
Come on girl, gimme your {twang}"
...Now that's good writing.
rhyming runt and cunt = totally 80s.

Challenge: "Wet Dreams" to "Conjugal visit" on the wiki in 11 steps
1. Spermatorrhea
2. Qi
3. Sanskrit
4. Migration hypothesis (redirects to Indo-Aryan migration)
5. BMAC (redirects to Bactria-Margiana Archaeological Complex)
6. Barley
7. Guns, Germs, and Steel
8. Syphilis
9. Men who have sex with men
10. Prison sexuality
11. Conjugal visits

is it just me or would it be awesome to go back in time and tell Jimi Hendrix to lay off the drugs? At least check his bisexual ass into rehab so he would be less dead in the 70s.

"Just take your lovely daughter and push her in a well"
Notice the quotes...
It's guaranteed to get your own place in hell.
So you should hang yourself in shame.

"When it's with me, you only need two minutes, because I'm so intense"
...and that's how babies are made.
The condom broke and she forgot to take her pill.
Obviously.

Holy warm Midwestern winter solstice, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "Don't you go ranting about that global warming nonsense, Boy Wonder, there shall be snow before we celebrate the birth of our lord and saviour."
To which Robin retorted: "Look at the forecast, dude, no snow! 40 degrees in Chicago!"
To which Batman lifted his pimp hand and backhanded a bitch.
Super Eminem entered, smelling of weed, and said "Bitches, gettin slapped? Can I get in on this?" Super Eminem noticed Robin crying with Batman's schlong still in his mouth, turned and left...later writing the number one song with a hidden message about respecting the privacy of the gays.

Fuck it, im moving to Iran. I shall revolt the people, disallow raping of women, and make medical marijuana legal. In that order.

Revolution #

Trouble is brewing. The lower class is pissed off. The middle class is pissed off. Recent college graduates are pissed off. I'm pissed off. The MAJORITY of America is pissed off.

Some are finally doing something about it....and the movement is growing.

While the "Occupy" movement has consistently spoken for non-violent + peaceful protests, the fact remains that we, as a people, are particularly violent by nature. Just look at incidences of violent crime, black friday horror stories, road rage, school shootings and abuse. The powder keg is set to blow as the government does little to quiet our fears. They are too busy trying to afford to keep itself running (and by extension, us). The illusion is the reality: the government nor the corporations that run them do not care that your house is in foreclosure and/or you can't find a job. The priorities are crooked. Obviously, corporations would love that the economy would turn around, they NEED consumers to buy their products and purchase their services. And the government cares about us...if we mass-exodused out of here, they would not exist.
I know, broad brush.

As the complacency of the masses diminishes, the flaws in our system are finally being exposed publicly. I'm personally conflicted about the prospect of the protests becoming more often and more violent. Martial law, though I have often joked about it, is not a likeable thing to have imposed. The most advanced military in the world can surely compete with the unwashed masses. So where does that leave us? It leaves us to protest until next November when we can vote out the garbage we have and replace it with somewhat less stinky garbage.

In the meantime, though, I support the Occupy movement and hope REAL change instead of the illusion of change comes sooner rather than later. Whether it be via violent or non-violent protest, something needs to be done about our broken system.

Just keep the following lyrics in mind before you martyr yourself in the face of Uncle Sam.

"You say you want a revolution
Well you know
we all want to change the world
You tell me that it's evolution
Well you know
We all want to change the world
But when you talk about destruction
Don't you know you can count me out,
Don't you know it's gonna be? alright?

You say you got a real solution
Well you know
we'd all love to see the plan
You ask me for a contribution
Well you know
We're all doing what we can
But if you want money for people with minds that hate
All I can tell you is brother you have to wait
Don't you know it's gonna be alright?

You say you'll change the constitution
Well you know
we'd all love to change your head
You tell me it's the institution
Well you know
You better free your mind instead
But if you go carrying pictures of Chairman Mao
You ain't going to make it with anyone anyhow
Don't you know it's gonna be alright"
Lyrics composed by Lennon-McCartney - 1968

What do I look like, a fuckin' ATM machine?

Have I mentioned that sweettarts have the same chemical compound as roofies? No? Good, because I'm kidding. kinda.

Johnny.Random's 4 random thoughts
1. when it was snowing last week, I died a little on the inside
2. i seriously need to stop sitting on my balls
3. switch ur girlfriend's/wife's eyeliner with a colored pencil. see if she notices.
4. they need to come up with a better way to deodorize public bathrooms.

The fluid of the day is BBQ sauce mixed with antelope saliva. Unless they don't have enough saliva, then just use albino moose saliva.

god came down to the middle east and said "Dudes, keep it down, I got a headache."

I wanted to use the phrase "enemy of the state" in a sentence.
ben stiller and jack black were massaging each other's anal g-spots when the prime enemy of the state, {insert director who shall not be named's name here}, walked in, blew up a helicopter waiting outside and forced them to kiss in slow motion during a car chase.
done.
If I ever get as predictable as him, slap me in the dick and make me have a threesome with billy bob thornton and a random dude who also looks like a homeless guy whom may or may not be a homeless guy. Please include the roofies, I do not want to remember that.

johnny.random's "captain obvious" statement of the day: "Devin Hester is ridiculous"

Rule 34 of the day - Nicole Kidman, Jessica Rabbit, and a younger version of Kyle MacLachlan (think Twin Peaks) chained to a wall with a ball-gag in his mouth. The dominatrix, of course, would be whoopi goldberg.
you're welcome for that mental picture.

moment of silence for Joe Paterno's tenure at Penn State
..
..
done.
and for the record, I hope he gets raped.
I'm not sayin, I'm just sayin.

Bucket List Addendum: volunteer to be the guy who gets to rape the female rapists once that becomes part of the legal system that I set up.
The trials will be quick.

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "I really wish my puppy showed my other dog the joy he shows me. I'm sick of Griffin being an asshole to Dane. At least he doesn't try and rape him anymore."
Yes, dog-on-dog gay rape is funny until it happens to your dog.

speaking of unsolicited rape...I realized just now that despite the USA's affinity towards abhorring the metric system, we still use "Liter" as a unit of measurement for water and soda. We're weird. Stick with fluid ounces and gallon measurements, you jags.

I had a dream...I was on a balcony, playing juliet...in drag...and Natalie Portman was wooing me, as Romeo, also in drag (or reverse drag. pfft. whatever). Ke$ha slayed Romeo and kept trying to climb up my hair Rapunzel-style but it hurt like hell and my hair wasn't long enough.
It was weird.

Hi, I'm the guy who somewhat helped plan a surprise 60th birthday party for his father...and ur not.
notice I said "somewhat helped"

I googled on the google "dirty iPhone apps".
The results were less than satisfying.
I was hoping for something different, obviously.
don't judge me, I'm a guy. I have a pulse.

I blame...mini candy canes, whatever the opposite of bacon is, and my body's inability to process meat into a more palatable scent during digestion.

http://www.geekculture.com/joyoftech/
it's mostly sfw.

need an onionesque critique of something pop-culture related? call johnny!
need a sandwich containing at least meat and bread? call johnny!
need a cold shower because johnny is so damn hot? call johnny!
yes that's right! johnny is the hottest, digitally speaking! give him a call today for 5 free complimentary crop-dustings at your place of business! No request is too random!

if you could penetrate britney spears and/or lindsay lohan with a bottle of San Pellegrino , would you? I know, I know, it's less than a litre so they most definitely can get it up in there. But, remember, it is glass. With all those kegels ol' Fire Crotch is doing in prison, she can crack that shit up in her cooch. That would be interesting.

Ok, if the government is broke, half of China still lives in poverty, Greece is ready to be sold...where IS all the money?
My bad, it was my community college acting up.

Just remember, there's a time and a place for everything, including faking a cell phone call from your mom about your (already dead) grandfather going into surgery...to get out of a bad blowjob.

"It's time for Animaniacs and we're zany to the max"
File that under: One of those rare openings to a theme song that immediately made we want to enter the animation world as an anthropomorphized generic animal creature and do naughty things to a cast member of said animated television show.
Kidding. Kinda.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I still have an aversion to talking to moderately to mostly creepy guys. Of course, I can probably be categorized as such on occasion but I really don't want to even say hello to the molester-looking individuals that plague our nation's office buildings, megamalls, fast food drive thrus and middle schools.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is when I'm gonna get around to quitting smoking again. Again. Again. I'm pretty sure that my lungs prefer to not be raped by cancer, so sooner rather than later is probably a good idea.

There's 312,690,273 people in the United States...and roughly 3800 wallmarts.
Based on the number of people I ran into over an hour in wallmart on black friday, I can estimate that at least 8,000 people shopped there.
Since my wallmart is "average size", I can then extrapolate that at least 30.4 million people shopped at wallmart on black friday, 9.72% of the population.
I'd say that's not bad, and that I'm probably underestimating.
...and the credit card companies shall commence the expanded financial rape of the unwashed masses in ...3...2...1...

johnny.random recommends: washing your balls every once and a while.
the nerf ones.
You sick fucks.

"I want to see a much greater effort out there. I don't just want harder hits, I want major felonies."
...Now that's good writing.
Name that quote and instant vault to level awesome in my book.

Challenge: "Pedophilia" to "Capital Punishment" on the wiki in 11 steps
1. ICD-10
2. V01-Y98 (Redirects to: ICD-10 Chapter XX: External causes of morbidity and mortality)
3. Systemic antibiotics (Redirects to: Antibacterial)
4. Surgical wound (Redirects to: Surgery)
5. Fistula
6. Anal fistula
7. Flatus (Redirects to: Flatulence)
8. Flammable (Redirects to: Flammability)
9. United States
10. reinstated the death penalty (Redirects to: Gregg v. Georgia)
11. death penalty (Redirects to: Capital punishment)

is it just me or was that singing of the national anthem @ the Bears game in oakland the 3rd worst rendition of said song in history?

"and then I'll fucking fuck you discreetly"
Notice the quotes...
...but then I'm gonna fuck you hard.
Not sayin, just sayin.

"hands on your knees, hands on your knees"
...and that's how babies are made.
...whilst said song is playing at many reception hall coat check rooms and upon baby changing tables, ironically.
Not during the "everybody clap your hands" part, though.

Holy snow in November, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "Boy Wonder, That's what those heathens get for worshiping the god of money"
to which Robin wet his pants out of frustration.
Batman went to get the pacifier for him and changed his diaper as Super Eminem entered, smelling of weed, carrying an old-school boombox on his shoulder. Seeing the scene in front of him, Super Eminem sighed, smoked some more weed, wrote a rap about potty training, smoked some more, and took a nap.
The rap, of course, was later overdubbed with Rihanna saying something sexy in the chorus and hit #1.

Fuck it, im moving to a country that has capital punishment for boy rapers. Well, at least one that gets creative with it, like chopping off ding-dongs and such.

Yo, it's about that time to bring forth the rhythmn and the rhyme

Have I mentioned that I've quit drinking? I did. I started a new job too. Change is the theme of this blog obviously.

Johnny.Random's 4 random thoughts
1. Of obsolete jobs, methinks I would have been a good Viking pillager.
2. Bacon. That is all.
3. If my name was "Barry" or "Zeus", my life would have been completely different.
4. I like being ironically hypocritical.

The fluid of the day is whatever the heck maraschino cherries soak in.

god came down to the middle east and said "1 soldier in exchange for 477 civilians?! Dang, youse guys got hosed".

I wanted to use the phrase "fighting irish" in a sentence.
matt damon and ben affleck were rubbing hot oil upon each other whilst discussing their new movie and matt suddenly realized he hasn't yet played a fighting irish/glory hole connoisseur in a movie yet and immediately got on the phone with his agent whilst his lover cupped his balls gently.
done.

johnny.random's "captain obvious" statement of the day: "bernie madoff should have committed suicide"

Rule 34 of the day - a pumpkin. bacon. Jennifer Alba with a strap on vibrating deeldo. [Ed. Correct spelling is dildo. And also, can I watch?] Yes.

moment of silence for my old motorola razr phone
..
..
done.
Good to see I'm finally changing with the times and sporting a smart phone.

Bucket List Addendum: Finish shredding my financial documents. I mean, do I really need old Discover card statements from 2008??

if johnny.random used twitter, he would tweet: "@OccupySomecity just because Michael Moore might show up, that doesn't make you legitimate. Try firing tear gas back at the cops."

speaking of the world economy...I'm car shopping. Tops of the list are the Subaru Legacy, Kia Optima and Nissan Altima. I want to make the right choice. That right choice doesn't include Ford and/or Chevy, obviously. Maybe a used Ferrari instead.

I had a dream...I was covered in spaghetti [Ed. Actually, it was linguine.] The blue bird from the mobile app "Tiny Wings" was eating said spaghetti [Ed. Actually, it was linguine.] I strangled said bird for not letting me get 175,000 points before I went to sleep. He squawked. He died. I was happy and ate the spaghetti [Ed. Actually, it was linguine,] whilst getting a handjob from Cameron Diaz's character in "Being John Malkovich". I didn't finish though, so I woke up with some decent morning wood.
It twas a good dream, I'd say.

Hi, I'm still a fan of the Smashing Pumpkins...and ur not.
However, billy corgan can still go and eat a bag of old dicks on rye.
But no mustard. Let's not get carried away.

I googled on the google "places mice like to hide"
Apparently, appliances are included in these places.
I felt shame.
I'll tell you about it later. 2 mice down, I don't know how many more to go.

I blame tostitos pizza rolls...nickelback...and the TV show "Frasier".
For everything.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OM_nfBs47ls
Hey, director who shall not be named, notice how in the 80s, car chases were fun, and cars don't explode in to a gigantic fireball on impact.

need a bathtub full of old espresso beans? call johnny!
need "just the tip"? call johnny!
need a some witty dialogue written for a 80s-style Fletch movie? call johnny!
yes that's right! johnny is the randomest of the middle class! give him a call for your free batch of pumpkin innards that which you can do what you please with/to! No request is too random!

if you could penetrate britney spears and/or lindsay lohan with a foreclosed trailer home, would you? As long as it's not a double-wide, you should be able to pull it off. Or put it in I guess would be better terminology.

If Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny had a baby, evolution would be totally fucked.
My bad, it was my community college acting up.

Just remember, there's a time and a place for everything, including handcuffing albino spider monkeys to parked cars.

"Dude, wanking off on my mom is one thing, but doing your grandma...That's legendary!"
File that under: The funniest comic quotes about incest by comedians whom are more famous for being gay roller-skating drug-abusing prostitutes on cable television than for standup.
Oh, and notice the quotes.

One thing I'm really glad about is that pork bacon is more popular than turkey bacon. It would suck so bad if there was only one brand of yumminess.

I do know a lot...but one thing I don't know is when sitcoms decided to be funny again. I took a couple years off of primetime television, you know, just because. Sports doesn't count. Turns out there are a few funny shows on these day. "everybody loves raymond" these are not! The shows "2 broke girls", "Mike & Molly" and "The Middle" have some good writing. It's about fookin time.

There's 312,504,905 people in the United States of Expensive...
79.8% of the people are adults...that's 249,378,914 people.
Of the adults in the United States of Expensive, 99% of us think that the prices for Halloween candy are ridiculous...that's 246,885,125 people.
Of the adults in the United States of Expensive whom think the Halloween candy is too expensive, about 55.54% of people either wont buy the candy, wont be home and will leave their porch light off, and/or think Halloween is a harbinger of the devil...that leaves 109,765,127 people.
In other words, M&M Mars and Hershey are still gonna make MILLIONS on this holiday.
We're fucking suckers.
And no, I don't mean tootsie pops at $4.59 a bag.

johnny.random recommends: writing an angry letter to the Wall-Mart corporate office. Don't worry, you'll think of something.
I did. Not happy with the response but I feel better about the world now that I did.

"Begging mercy for their sins
Satan laughing spreads His wings"
...Now that's good writing

Challenge: "Tiny Wings" to "Satan" on the wiki in 8 steps
1. iOS
2. Calculator
3. Transcendental function
4. Polynomial
5. Niccolo Fontana Tartaglia
6. Brescia
7. Gunpowder
8. Satan

is it just me or would it be so awesome to have a usb port in ur noggin to just upload your thoughts to a computer? You could download all your memories and not forget them! I suppose that's what USB 3.0 is for.

"Faster than you can say shallow grave"
Notice the quotes...

"And in your dreams I'll touch your cheek and lay my head on your shoulder"
...and that's how babies are made.
That is, literally, if singer of said lyrics were in my bed willingly and I happened to "forget" to put a jimmy-hat on my dweedle-dee.

Holy flash grenades upon unarmed civilians, Batman!
To which Batman replied: "Don't get the wrong idea, Boy Wonder, those protesters are evildoers just like the Joker and the Penguin."
To which Robin cried: "But I'm part of the 99% and you're not, how is that fair? Even the cops are in the 99%!"
Batman chortled and said: "Cops are in the 1%! Haven't you heard of bribery and extortion?"
Robin was confused and lost wood.
Just then, Super Eminem burst in, smelling of weed, carrying a bottle of Dom Perignon and some liquid g, wearing nothing but a g-string, and said: "Who wants some champagne?" {punchline, cue audience applause}

Fuck it, im buying Greece. It's gotta cost like $175 million. I can hack it. I'll just borrow the money from China. I can probably turn a profit on that shit.

sadness in the chicago world of baseball

Hello all.

This is a sad week for Chicago baseball fans. Our teams missed the playoffs and teams such as the Milly-walk-aye Beers and Detoilet Tiggers made it. Like I've done many times already, I've put together a list of former cubs & Sox players who made it to the playoffs with another team. You know, to make us more sad. To be honest, when I started prepping this email a few weeks ago, I had the Cardinals all set to not make the playoffs. They got in on the last day, and I'm pretty glad they did. There's a joke here somewhere about the NL Central having 2 playoff teams and the cubs still finishing almost 20 games out of said playoff spot...but I lost it.
P.S. don't jump down my throat on the guys on the DL, they're on the roster so piss off.

The cubs Players(20. last year:17)
Detroit's P Al Alburquerque was signed by the cubs in 2006 and was with the organization until early 2009.
Texas's IF Andres Blanco played in the cubs organization in 08-09.
Arizona's C Henry Blanco played for the cubs from 2005-08.
Tampa's IF Russ Canzler was drafed by the cubs in 2004 and he seemed to disappear after the 2010 season.
Tampa's P Juan Cruz signed with the cubs in 1997 and was traded in 2004.
Tampa's P Kyle Farnsworth was drafted by the cubs in 1994 and was with the organization until 2004.
Tampa's OF Sam Fuld was drafted by the cubs twice (03 & 04) and was traded earlier this year for a mediocre starting pitcher.
Philadelphia's IF Ross Gload played for the cubs in 2000-01.
Tampa's OF Brandon Guyer was drafted by the cubs in 2007 and was also traded earlier this year for the same mediocre starting pitcher mentioned above.
Milwaukee's IF/OF Jerry Hairston Jr was with the cubs in 05-06.
Milwaukee's P LaTroy Hawkins (yes, him) pitched for the cubs in 2004 & 2005.
St Louis's P Kyle Lohse was drafted by the cubs in 1996 and was traded in 1999 to the twinkies.
Arizona's P Jason Marquis pitched for the cubs in '07 and '08.
Milwaukee's IF Casey McGehee was drafted by the cubs in 2003 and was with the organization through the 2008 season.
New York's P Sergio Mitre was drafted by the cubs in 2001 and played in the organization through the 2005 season.
Arizona's OF Xavier Nady played for the cubs, badly, in 2010.
Texas's P Darren Oliver played in the minor leagues for the cubs in 2005.
St Louis's OF Corey Patterson was drafted by the cubs in 1998 (3rd overall) and was traded in 2006.
St Louis's IF Ryan Theriot was drafted by the cubs in 2001 and was with the organization until he was traded in 2010.
New York's P Raul Valdes was signed by the cubs as an undrafted free agent in 2005 and was with the organization through 2006.

The White Sox Players(19. last year:21)
Detroit's IF Wilson Betemit was with the Sox in the 2009 season.
Arizona's IF Geoff Blum was with the Sox in the World Series year.
New York's P Bartolo Colon played for the Sox in 2003 and 2009.
Philadelphia's P Jose Contreras (yes, him) played for the Sox from 04-09.
St Louis's P Octavio Dotel pitched for the Sox in 2008 & 2009.
New York's P Freddy Garcia was also with the Sox twice. From 2004-06 and 2009-10.
Philadelphia's IF Ross Gload played for the Sox from 2003-06.
Arizona's P Daniel Hudson was with the Sox in 2009 and traded in 2010 for some reason.
St Louis's P Edwin Jackson was acquired for Daniel Hudson for some reason, and was traded this year.
New York's OF Andruw Jones was with the Sox in 2010.
Milwaukee's IF/OF Mark Kotsay was with the Sox, badly, in 2009-10.
New York's P Boone Logan was drafted by the Sox in 2002 and was traded in 2008.
New York's P Damaso Marte played for the Sox for full seasons from 2002-2005.
Detroit's OF Magglio Ordonez signed as an undrafted free agent with the Sox in 1991 and was with them through the 2004 season.
Philadelphia's IF Placido Polanco was drafted by the Sox in 1993 but did not sign.
Arizona's P J.J. Putz was with the Sox in 2010.
New York's IF/OF Nick Swisher played for the Sox in 2008.
Philadelphia's IF Wilson Valdez played for the Sox in 2004.
Arizona's OF Chris Young was drafted by the Sox in 2001 and was traded in 2005.


also... a little dirt on the grave for you cub fans, while you're drowning your sorrows in a beer...

The presidential debate sketch from a few years back on SNL:
"Bill Murray, who appeared as himself in a sketch lampooning the town-hall presidential debate last Tuesday, asked Sen. John McCain (Darrell Hammond) and Sen. Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) what they would do to ensure that the Cubs would never lose in the playoffs again.

"Last week, in the National League divisional playoffs, the Chicago cubs faced the Los Angeles Dodgers. In Game 1, the cubs lost 7-3. In Game 2, they lost 10-3 and in Game 3, 3-1. What, as president, would you do to guarantee that this never happens again? Senators, in your answers, please be specific,” Murray asked.

“That's a fair question, William, but let's face it, the cubs may very well be in the playoffs again, perhaps even next year. If so, they will lose again, and they will keep right on losing year after year after year, because that is what the cubs do. We as a nation have got to wean cubs fans away from supporting that team and train them to root for other teams – teams that will actually have a chance at winning,” Armisen-as-Obama said.

"Senator McCain?" moderator Tom Brokaw (Chris Parnell) asked.
“Here I have to agree with my opponent,” Hammond-as-McCain said. “Let me give you some straight talk, my friends: The cubs will never win the pennant, much less the World Series! Junior over there, he won’t tell you that. I just did.” "

I met a fairy today that granted me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine" I said, "I want to die after the Cubs win the world series !"
"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrobcJa_EV8
http://www.cubssuckclub.com/
And I doubt I can ever top this one: http://www.cracked.com/funny-4663-chicago-cubs-fans/

Major Events that Have Occurred Since the chicago cubs Won Their Last World Series (October 14th 1908)
-TV, 3-D TV, VCR, DVD, bluRay, DVR, Radio, 8 Track, Cassette Tape, CD, iMac, iPod, iPhone, iPad, all things computer were invented...other big time inventions since then; The Band-Aid, masking tape, bubble gum, frozen food, the chocolate chip, the microwave, cell phones, disposable diapers, submarines, lasers, artificial hearts, optical fibers, calculators, the internet, the helicopter, electric cars, electric bicycles, retinal implants …
-Super Mario Brothers was released, and has since celebrated its 25th anniversary...
-13 of the top 25 current Fortune 500 companies were founded, Wal Mart (1963), Chevron (1911), Fannie Mae (1938), HP (1939), AT&T (1983), Verizon (1983), AIG (1919), IBM (1911), Cardinal Health (1971), Freddie Mac (1970), CVS/Caremark (1963), UnitedHealth Group (1977) & Valero Energy (1980)...
-Movies finally got color and dialogue! Wow! 83 Academy Award ceremonies have been held...
-The members of the Beatles were born, and two of them died, The members of the Rolling Stones were born, two of them died, somehow Keith Richards didn't...On a similar note, the music styles; Jazz, Swing, Boogie Woogie, Rhythm & Blues, Doo-wop, Rockabilly, Soul, Garage Rock, Acid Rock, Folk Rock, Art Rock, Progressive Rock, Glitter Rock, Space Rock, Disco, Reggae, Funk, Hair(Glam) Metal, Thrash Metal, Grunge, Punk, Ska, New Wave, Alternative Rock, Techno, Electronica, Pop-Punk, Rap-Metal, Emo, Screamo and pretty much all of Rock n Roll peaked and died.
-The model T was introduced to fanfare, years later the Focus was introduced to a collective "Meh"...
-The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, and was rediscovered…
-Man landed on the moon…
-Halley's comet passed Earth,….twice …
-Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, and New Mexico were admitted to the Union…
-All of the Kennedy political clan have been born and died...
-Eighteen US presidents took office…
-Twelve amendments added to the Constitution…
-The United States went through 20 recessions, 2 of them were depressions, 10 of them lasted more than a year, one of which resulted in the FED being created...
-The US fought in two World Wars, the Korean War, Vietnam War and 2 Persian Gulf Wars...
-Prohibition was created and repealed…
-A combination of 43 Summer and Winter Olympics have been held.
-The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won championships in each league…
-Jack Brickhouse, Harry Caray and Ron Santo were born, and died...
-Fourteen teams more teams play in the Major League Baseball now…only 8 teams in existence have not won a world series (Texas, Houston, Milwaukee, San Diego, Washington, Seattle, Colorado and Tampa)...
-The cubs have had 6 owners, 12 GMs and 53 managers, all pretty much unsuccessful...
-they've had 33 people inducted into the baseball hall of fame yet never won a world series with the loveable losers...
-wrigley field was built and is now the second oldest ballpark remaining in baseball (after Fenway)…and as Roger Simon famously said..."Putting lights in Wrigley Field is like putting aluminum siding on the Sistine Chapel."...
-in fact, the Chicago Bears won more Championships whilst playing in wrigley field than the cubs, they played there from 1921 to 1970, and won the championship 8 times in that span...
-Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown…
-8 times have players stole more than 100 bases in a season...42 times have players hit more than 50 home runs in a season...12 times have players had a batting average over .400...32 times have pitchers had over 300 strikeouts in a season...and 11 times have pitchers had at least 30 wins in a season...
-Greg Maddux played in 3 different decades in which the cubs didn't win a world series, so did Kerry Wood (notice his name is WOOD not WOODS, you dummy fans), Shawon Dunston, Andre Dawson, Mark Grace, Jose Cardenal, Ernie Banks, Fergie Jenkins, Billy Williams, Phil Cavaretta, Gabby Hartnett, Bill Nicholson, Charlie Grimm, Rogers Hornsby and Cliff Heathcote...don't worry if you don't know the last half dozen-or-so cubs, they played before you were born and still didn't win a world series.
-The St Louis Cardinals, Chicago White Sox, Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox and Florida Marlins have all won the World Series; what next, the lowly Milwaukee Brewers?!?
-The cubs played over 15,000 regular-season games, won 8 NL pennants, made the playoffs 13 times…and finished in last place 15 times...
-The cubs have had a player payroll amongst the top 10 in all of baseball every year since 2003 (6th this year with $125mil), yet only made the playoffs twice, losing all 6 games by a combined score of 36-12, and they've won only one playoff series since 1908...
-There were even leaner years to remember...like from the start of the 1947 season, when they went 20 consecutive seasons being in the bottom half of the national league...
-their 103 year championship drought is 40 years longer than any other active streak in baseball (Cleveland Indians- 63 years), and is already 15 years longer than the 2nd longest in history (the White Sox- 1917-2005)
-their 66 season drought from even reaching the world series is the longest active streak in baseball (Washington Nationals have never been to the world series and were founded in 1969 - as the Montreal Expos).

-It's been;
over 3.2 billion seconds
over 54.1 million minutes
over 900,000 hours
over 5,370 weeks
over 37,600 days
Or just short of 103 years.

Well, there's always next year!

Egad, the media is fellatioing something different

You know me. I dislike the media fellatioing people, whether it be the corpse of a dead celebrity, a celebrity who resembles a corpse, a celebrity whom should be a corpse, or just an attractive celebrity that no one should really care about THAT much...oh and athletes.

Thankfully, the media has begun suckling something different.

But I'm still not impressed.

With the 10 year anniversary of that fateful day approaching at the speed of time, the networks (and associated news outlets) have taken it upon themselves to latch their dirty mouths upon the human interest story that is the police and firepeople (and children of said individuals). Don't get me wrong, I respect those public servants more than any other job profession, but are they the BEST PEOPLE EVAR, or THE MOST HEROIC PEOPLE IN AMERICAN HISTORY? No. These people are people just like you and me. They performed a heroic act in the face of certain death. I'm not arguing with that. Who are the news outlets to say that some of these people they are praising weren't, say, closet pedophiles, meth addicts, wife beaters and/or software pirates? By blowing someone's deeds out of proportion, to an astronomical degree, the masses' massive asses stay in front of your boob tube even longer, that's what happens. ...and don't tell me all those people were "innocent" people. Don't be naive. Just by the law of averages, there was probably at least one adulterer on each floor of that building, and that would just be counting the scumbags who "work late" and not even considering the pilferers of millions of dollars who can no longer sail their yacht in the outer banks b/c they are dead. d.e.d. dead. Your bible says something about that kind of morality, doesn't it?

It's the same reason why I don't stand and applaud the military service people at a sporting event. Sure, they serve our country, and by extension, me. But, I can't judge someone just based on the uniform they wear and the fact that their military branch is pulling a PR move to attract recruits. People I personally know to be heroes, I'll give them the thanks they deserve. A stranger, I shall not, especially military individuals. They have the potential to be the worst kind of hero. The one that kills people in the name of what's right. Last I checked, terrorists do the same thing. We applaud our soldiers for protecting us, but had they not had the uniform on, they would be jailed for life. Flag-waving hypocrites are we.

That brings me to a different angle. We, as a country, support these protectors of freedom, but are woefully ignorant to their plight in cases of health and welfare. In this economy, many with money say that no one deserves a handout. Change your mind. Our veterans and service-people injured/wounded and those developing health problems directly related to their jobs, are underfunded and ignored. Broken families of 9/11 have been forced to reach out with fundraising efforts because the government doesn't care enough about them (and doesn't have the money, but that's another story). The Veteran's Administration is underfunded...but that's ok so long as our front-line boys keep getting their ammo, right? I support causes like the Wounded Warrior Project and their fundraising efforts for this exact reason. I may not support war, but it's retarded to turn your back on someone just because they aren't physically able to do your bidding anymore. That, my friends is an atrocity that needs to be talked about.

Please, find it in your hearts to ignore the media over the next few days, and donate if you can. I'm a principled man, and many of my opinions are, frankly, too odd for most people to wrap their heads around. If it matters to you so much that you're ignoring my plea just based on things I've said above, please reconsider. There are people in this country worse off that you or I, and that's more important than my lunatic rantings.
To donate, visit:
Wounded Warrior Project
Twin Towers Orphan Fund
American Red Cross
New York Firefighters 9-11 Disaster Relief Fund (IAFF Charitable Foundation)
(I'd like to post a link to a reputable charity that supports first responders and their families, please send me one and I'll put it up, thanks!)

The day the cookie monster died

So I re-bought the Violent Femmes self-titled debut. It rocks. It got me to thinking of other self-titled musical collections of things called songs. Some of my favorites are described below.

Violent Femmes (1982)
1. Blister in the Sun
2. Kiss Off
3. Please Do Not Go
4. Add it Up
5. Confessions
6. Prove My Love
7. Promise
8. To the Kill
9. Gone Daddy Gone
10. Good Feeling
If you add the bonus tracks "Ugly" and "Gimme the Car", this is nearly a greatest hits cd. blister in the sun, though, IMO is over-rated as a hit pop song, it opens the album strong, and having such a solid track list puts this one right up there.

Weezer (1994) -Known as the blue album
1. My Name is Jonas
2. No One Else
3. The World Has Turned and Left Me Here
4. Buddy Holly
5. Undone
6. Surf Wax America
7. Say it Ain't So
8. In the Garage
9. Holiday
10. Only in Dreams
Also better known as, the CD before Rivers went sober and sold his soul to the devil to become a pop superstar. While this disc has plenty of poppy hits, it's much more true to the roots of the "alternative rock" movement that blew up in the early 90s.

Goldfinger (1996)
1. Mind's Eye
2. Stay
3. Here in Your Bedroom
4. Only a Day
5. King for a Day
6. Anxiety
7. Answers
8. Anything
9. Mable
10. The City With Two Faces
11. My Girlfriend's Shower Sucks
12. Miles Away
13. Nothing to Prove
14. Pictures
15. Phonecall
16. Fuck You and Your Cat
17. Ode to Dau
Another of those "before they sold out" kind of CDs, this one helped propel the 3rd wave of ska into the mainstream with "here in your bedroom" - which wasn't very ska-y. The disc has punk energy, good transition between songs, and a solid track list.

Metallica (1991) -Known as the black album
1. Enter Sandman
2. Sad but True
3. Holier Than Thou
4. The Unforgiven
5. Wherever I May Roam
6. Don't Tread on Me
7. Through the Never
8. Nothing Else Matters
9. Of Wolf and Man
10. The god That Failed
11. My Friend of Misery
12. The Struggle Within
Knowing me, you'd know this isn't my favorite Metallica disc. It's more of a mix of radio-friendly and "old-metallica" than any other of their CDs though. This put Metallica more on the map than ever before, and the tracks that didn't invade you on MTV and the radio were very solid too.

The Doors (1967)
1. Break on Through
2. Soul Kitchen
3. The Crystal Ship
4. 20th Century Fox
5. Alabama Song
6. Light My Fire
7. Back Door Man
8. I Looked at You
9. End of the Night
10. Take it As it Comes
11. The End
I love this one. cover to cover. The "side one" tracks are amazing. True, some of the side two stuff is usually press-the-next button material for most but I dig them too. I can't understate that this is one of my favorites of all-time, not just of the eponymous releases.

Presidents of the United States of America (1995)
1. Kitty
2. Feather Pluckin
3. Lump
4. Stranger
5. Boll Weevil
6. Peaches
7. Dune Buggy
8. We Are Not Going to Make It
9. Kick Out the Jams
10. Body
11. Back Porch
12. Candy
13. Naked and Famous
Minimalist rock. Punky. Fun. This one is easy to listen to and easy to like. This is one of the rare CDs that I've bought 4 times. Granted, a couple times were from a used CD place so it serves me right. Ug. Now I got "We're not gonna make it" stuck in my head.

Led Zeppelin (1971) -Known as Led Zeppelin IV
1. Black Dog
2. Rock and Roll
3. The Battle of Evermore
4. Stairway to Heaven
5. Misty Mountain Hop
6. Four Sticks
7. Going to California
8. When the Levee Breaks
Left this one for last b/c it would be impossible to compare this one to anything. This one is solid. I don't even skip the weirdo "battle of evermore". Drumming on the steering wheel and singing Robert Plant off-key...it doesn't get much better than that.

Honorable mention (of ones I also own) to the Beatles (1968 White Album), Cypress Hill (1991), Led Zeppelin (1969 Led Zeppelin II), Nirvana (2002 actually is a greatest hits cd, points--;), Rage Against the Machine (1992), Soulfly (1998)
...mainly because there's a lot of "filler" on those discs, and whilst decent, aren't on my list, though they may be on others.

From the Isle of Lesbos

Not at full bloggage just yet, just giving you something to ponder next time ur in Wallmart or the target or the field of wood's mall.
2.6% of women in the US are lesbians.
So, you figure that 2-3 out of every 100 women you run into may, in fact, have had female tongue upon their lady parts as early as 15 minutes from whence you see'eth her.
You are welcome for giving you that mental picture to improve your overall shopping experiences.
Just remember that ugly women can be lesbians too.

Woke up too late to shower properly

Lost my funny Bone

Unwittingly
Unknowingly
Unliterate

Amazed at how much lack of sleep taunts me

Contradictory
Confused
Conflagration

Ablaze within myself and reminiscing of times less sober

Ashamed
Avowed
A pencil

The thoughts I have nonsensical, randomer than usual

To write
to dream
to exist

This device is working properly

Methodically, yet not binary programming.
Drifting through life trying for purpose
...but not finding one.

An empty shell seems so easy to crack