Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I will kick you repeatedly in the balls

Have I mentioned that I'm a fan of heat? I like when it's hot. I like watching kids cry when their ice cream melts too fast. I like when the weather is the opposite of frozen precipitation. I like when, if I'm sitting out in the sun, I can watch sweat bead up on my forearms and roll down in droplets and forming a pool underneath my elbow. If Chicago in the summer were a theoretical orifice, I'd totally fuck it.

I wanted to use the phrase "mmmm, Katy Perry's boobs" in a sentence.
Done.

"You tried your best and failed miserably, the lesson is, never try."
"trying is the first step towards failure"
"facts are meaningless. you could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!"
"We can outsmart those dolphins. Don't forget -- we invented computers, leg warmers, bendy straws, peel-and-eat shrimp, the glory hole AND the pudding cup"
Homer Simpson was a smart, smart man.

So today is "Michael Jackson"-suckfest day. The suckfest started yesterday when he died. Boo fuckin hoo. Sure, he was an astronomical influence upon our culture but dudes, seriously, his body aint even cold & stiff yet. And seriously, network news, are you that starved for actual news that you're eulogizing a fucking pop star a mere hours after he was confirmed to actually be taking a dirt nap? I hope he comes back Thriller-style and eats their brains. [Ed. ...and rape their children.] Yeah. That. [Ed. What? Too soon?]

so yesterday i was pondering something about music whilst driving without the air conditioning on. Now, I don't know rap. I'm a suburban white dude [Ed. ...also a pussy], obviously I haven't faced the dilemmas and hardships of inner city nor the creativity to splice clips illegally from classic rock & funk & soul artists into a coherent background upon which to mouth words pertaining to marijuana, bitches, my mom, gangs, pimpin, my crazy ex-wife, drinking, spending all my money after I become popular on gold, diamonds and grills, fucking, cars, dancing, lack of respect or politics. Where was I? Orite, I was comparing the music of outkast, beastie boys and eminem. All of which are not really rap, persay, but of the rap aspects of their music, in comparison of these three groups, eminem had the best hooks, big boi was by far the best rapper, outkast in general had the most diverse background samples from track to track but the beastie boys were definitely the most unique lyrically. Please remember that I don't know shit about shit, so disregard [Ed. ...he sucks cocks]

So I was looking for naked pictures on google images of female musicians that came up on my pandora radio. I'm silly like that.
The band the pixies came up so I googled it.
I got a DataSet that was mind bogglingly awesome in so many ways.
That's sort of thing you find when you google "naked pixies". I was hoping for something different, obviously. For some reason, I wasn't disappointed.

I'm playing in a softball tournament tomorrow that is raising money for breast cancer research. It's in morton grove. Look it up on teh internets & donate & stuff. There are very few charities/causes that I support. Autism, yes, because it's so fucked up, I mean, have you seen kids with autism? Donate clothes to the homeless, yes, people shouldn't die because they don't have a coat in January, even if they're Drinky McDrinkypants who talks to hisself. Breast Cancer, yes, breasts should not get cancer. Breast cancer is proof that there is no god. Lung cancer from smoking, I can understand, but the tits, really? Why put cancer THERE? Shit, I just realized an arguement that there IS a god. Men worship tits, and thats a sin, to worship other gods in a blashphemous way...So god gives them cancer. That doesn't explain ugly chicks with A cups getting cancer though. Ok, I change my mind, there is no god. because of breast cancer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlrX3bwQ2rk
We'll get back to this topic in a later passage. Enjoy it anyways. Kubrick, you rock.

btw, they mayan calendar runs out in 2012, which means the world is gonna end. or something. but you know me, i say fuck the mayans they're nearly obsolete for a reason, micropenii , i assume. Regardless, their calendar is, by implied obsolescence, also obsolete.

One thing I'm really glad about is that I always win in arguements that require logical fallacies. I am quite good at being illogical. If any of you follow this blog regularly [Ed. Yeah, the whopping 4 of you] dude, really? You interrupt my passage about logical fallacies to point out that like 4 people read this blog. harsh. [Ed. You're a fucking pussy] fuck you.









[Ed. writer(s)? You there?]





[Ed. Helllllooooooo??]






[Ed. Okok, I'm sorry] Apology accepted. You still suck. [Ed. ...and you're still a pussy. Now go home and get your fucking shinebox] fuck. you. asshole. [Ed. Well I'm rubber and you're glue so everything I say bounces off of me and hits you so YOU'RE an asshole.] wow. childish much? I hope you get fired. [Ed. They can't fire me, I'm tenured, FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK COCK PUSSY ASS TITS BLOWJOB BLOWJOB PUSSSSSSSSSSSSY!] Thanks for the allcaps, ass. [Ed. Just get back to work, faggot] I'm rubber and you're [Ed. work. now. faggot] jesusdamnit.

"Let this be a sermon, I mean everything I've said
Baby I'm determined and I'd rather see you dead"
okok, Harrison, did you write this one? Orite, ur dead too.

I wonder if gun manufacturers make a "suicide gun", you know, one gun, one chamber, one bullet capacity, not too big as to scare away the emo kids who are suiciding because they're big, walking, whiney panooches [Ed. ie. the writer(s) at johnny.random], and enough firepower to blow out the back of a skull and spray brain matter upon the hindside of the suicider. If they don't make it, they should. Not that I encourage suicide, [Ed. only for stupid people] but methinks that would be a fairly efficient method. [Ed. and methinks you should make yourself one of those.] Editor, if I could kill you, I would. [Ed. but you can't because you're a big, walking whiney panooch] jesusdamnit.

is it just me or is megan fox like the hottest woman since the invention of women? She's probably gonna look like gary busey when she's 40 tho, so enjoy it while it lasts, dudes

"No computer stands in my way, only blood can cancel my pain"
Notice the quotes...and bonus points if you're not my parents and know what song and which impression of the song it is from.

Holy, my editor has three dicks in his mouth at the same time, Batman! [Ed. touche, writer(s). respect++;]

Fuck it, im moving to somewheres in central america.
All this talk of mayan stuff and megan fox have led me to the obvious combination of the two, latina panooch.
So exotic.
Yeah, central america.

I never slept in satan's bed

Have I mentioned that I support PETA? I do, just not with money or wanting people to stop killing innocent animals. I just want them to show sexy commercials on television wherein models wearing nothing but pasties and stiletto heels make out with vegetables to show their fondness for healthy food. Yeah.

I wanted to use the phrase "I will poop on my credit report" in a sentence.
Done.

headline: Obama offers olive branch of 'respect' to Middle East...tl;dr...but methinks it went something like this...Blackpresident made international news yesterday when he performed oral, ocular, anal, spinal, and vaginal intercourse with 13 Arabian virgin princesses whilst condomless, much to the pleasure of their bethroned princes, who watched silently in the shadows and masterbated. The Middle East rejoiced that the most powerful man (besides Chuck Norris) in the world would share his outstandingly long "olive branch" with its fine female specimens in order to respectfully advance the human race towards a most perfect future world leader...oh, and firstblacklady seems to look less like a man, and took each of the saudi royal family into her willing orifi.

So today is the 9th of June. The date of birth of a number of individuals, including such famous people as my brother and others. And by others, I mean I don't feel like looking up anyone else. johnny.random wishes Dan the Man, pots and pans, a very happy 28th birthday. 28? Is that right. hmmm '81...yep, I'm not completely fucked up mathematically. Happy Birthday, Dude.

Tomorrow is the eclipse of the first month. Eclipse is probably a poor word choice, but, suck it. I will continue to be without doodoo sticks and will continue to take excedrin like candy and will continue to have unbridled orgasms upon engine blocks and will continue to gaze longingly at stuffed pizza whilst drooling upon a man-bib and will continue to dislike u2 and will continue to not watch the Chicago White Sux until March of 2010. Yes, I said it. White Sux.

Devil: "Now, I suggest that you grab that portrait tonight. If it stays there too long, Fitzgerald will show up and reclaim it, and more people will die."
Sam: "Since when did you care if people got killed?"
Devil: "I don't. Good call."

I find it utterly amazing that so many facets of our government are hypcritical, both domestically and internationally. Both sides accuse the other of unconstitutionality and the US is just fucked and assbackwards when it comes to following international rules and treatise. Thusly, I'm officially coming out of the closet as a definitive hypocritical "political" pundit. I support Democracy, and in fact encourage it, yet, many of you know me as a socialistic dreamer. I yearn for a society where money and class do not matter. I hope for a lack of bludgeonly stupid elderly shitfucking douchebags telling the nation what they're supposed to want. I hope, and it will probably never happen. Now you all know, it's official, I'm out of the closet. [(races in from offstage whilst pulling up pantalones) Ed. What'd I miss? You came out?!] Politically. [Ed. Fuck.] Dude, Politically. [Ed. One of these days, random, one of these days]

http://www.babesinthighhighboots.com/
thank me later.

btw. The writers of the improv'd show Reno 911! are also the writers of the "Night at the Museum" movies...and Balls of Fury and Herbie, Fully Loaded and The Pacifier. I was gonna leave those last three off the list, but the lose so much cred for being the creators of such craptastic endeavors.

One thing I'm really glad about, is that they still make antipersprant deodrant in the white flaky kind. I bought the gel stuff without thinking. I hate it. I seriously want to throw it out, but I don't wanna waste the money. Oh, yeah, I'm money-careful these days. Now if only I were food-careful. Somehow I don't see the latter happening anytime in the near and present future.

I wonder if panooches can be bruised. It seems like it's possible, but that makes me think that I can bruise my noodly appendage. I don't want to think about that, so I'll just say, methinks that it's scientifically unpossible to receive a hematoma upon manparts and/or ladyparts. That's my hypothesis.

"When I get to the bottom, I go back to the top of the slide
Where I stop and turn and I go for a ride
Til I get to the bottom and I see you again"
Doesn't sound so edgy when you read it on the page, does it?

Is it just me, or is there a distinct difference between sharting a little bit and flatout pooping a full load of crap into ur pants? I was beginning to doubt my own sphincter's strength when I sharted recently, but then I realised, I didn't shit myself, tis but a shart.

"I'm looking good, got a luscious v of hair going through my chest pubes down to my ball fro."
Notice the quotes.

Holy gay wing'd angels descending from heaven to eat and rape blashpemous priests, friars, monks, bishops and popes, Batman!

Fuck it, I'm moving to Havana.
Not Cuba, Havana,IL. I'd like to live in the middle of nowheres where all the streets and counties and properties are segmented according to grids mapped onto a main map.
Oh, and whats the deal with all these place-names in Illinois being ripoffs of place-names that occur elsewhere? Did they run out of names? You know, it's legal to name a place "Fart Town".
yeah, I'm moving to fart town.

Been here before couldn't say I liked it

Have I mentioned that Jedis are supposed to be celibate, you know, like monks or something? I may be wrong about the celibacy thing, but that makes me think of one very interesting question...Was Yoda a virgin? Yoda porn would be hilarious, with the nonsensical sentence structure and the short green dude banging Asia Carrere in the pooter hole. Oh, he's a grunter too, haven't you seen "Empire"?

I wanted to use the phrase "catcher's mitt-looking panooch" in a sentence.
Done.
And now are you picturing a snatch oiled up with a big rubber band around it?
Ok, maybe that's just me.

"It comes alive and I die a little more"

So today is day 11. Not to megajinx it or anything, but I haven't made it this long since I quit for almost 5 years. If you're not keeping up with mah blog, you have no idea what I'm talking about so fuck you, confusicus fuckers.

So yesterday I broke a longstanding and strictly enforced policy in my household which was defined as "No household member named John shall watch a broadcast, live or otherwise, of the television show 'American Idol', the consequences of which are a swift kick to the sternum followed by a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the scrotal area". Bring it on, Chuck, you leprosy-filled dumbass Republicant. I watched it. I was not underwhelmed. The whelming was pretty much standard. Yeah, I experienced an average amount of whelm. [Ed. {shakes head}] KISS, Rod Stewart (Singing one of his songs, not some pop-standard drivel), Queen (which was a bit over the top), a really gay version of a Pink song and much much more. I don't even know the name of the dude who won, but the show was decent enough to watch. No doubt in my mind that the tranny dude and Seacrest got all gay for each other once the cameras stopped rolling. The gay embuement emitting from the two of them was so strong that my butthole clenched up.

"Perindopril inhibited ACE in the lung and kidney but did not affect ACE in the testis, suggesting the drug is limited in testicular penetration"
That's the sort of thing you find when you google "Testicular Penetration". I was hoping for something different, obviously.

The president should really consider talking to China in a way that they can understand with phrases like "Quit crying that our economy is dragging you down because if we fail, you epic fail", "Have you ever seen flying Great White Sharks with laser beams attached to their heads? No? Oh, I suppose you will soon, we lost a couple in the Yellow Sea on a training mission" and "Fuck You! How'd you like to have a billion less people?" That last one is because it's cheaper to USE the nukes we have instead of hypocritically storing them for decades and make sure no evildoers steal them.

http://www.worldcubeassociation.org/results/regions.php
good luck, Dan

btw. Daryl Hammond's last show on SNL was probably this past weekend. He is the longest running SNL cast member in the show's duration. Also, Zach Braff's last show on Scrubs has probably passed as well. He is more than likey the most bisexual (closeted) of any lead male character in the duration of television history...which is a shame because this season was one of their best.

One thing that I'm really glad about...I was never menstruated upon. I don't have a desire to have a blood party performed upon me nor would I like to taste what a tampon tastes like. I'm assuming that it tastes like blood, and I'll leave it at that. I should make one of my life's goals to be "Never get menstruated upon". Yeah.

"Now they know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall. I'd love to turn you on"
John Lennon did a lot of drugs.

I wonder if Republicants are against libraries. You know, cuz giving away free books for a short period of time is bad for the economy and all...Plus they have books about teh gay, books about evolution and books by Noam Chomsky. That would make me wanna burn some books if I were of that political denomination. But I'm not, so....Rock on, Libraries!

Is it just me, or does this upcoming weekend seem like a good time to invade Mexico and annex it as the 51st state?

"Hundred bucks, all in- not counting my labor, and the... cost of the dildo. Those things aren't cheap"
Notice the quotes...and try and figure out what it's referring to if you haven't seen the movie.

Holy herpetic tongue sticking out of that glory hole, Batman!

Fuck it, I'm moving to Pizza.
There's gotta be a place called Pizza somewhere in the known universe.
And if there is, there's gotta be Pizza- the food.
But if there is no Pizza in Pizza, I'll just move to the Paleozoic Era.

Programmers unite?

Have I mentioned that I find the space program completely fucking useless? NASA can go fuck itself with all the wasted money that they've spent that can be better served to, I dunno, having the government hire shithead unemployed rednecks to rebuild our nations infrastructure. Domestic issues are more important than space. Environmental issues are more important than space. Our economy is more important than space. Fuck, even the oil industry is more important than having four really smart pole smokers fly around the planet in a multi-billion dollar machine that occasionally will blow up on takeoff.
Fuck Space.

I wanted to use the phrase "Gina Gershon has never sucked upon my cock" in a sentence.
Done.

"Oh noes! I saw the name "Obama" in an article! Taxes! Socialism! Communism! Everybody panic!!!"
In other words, I like tongue-in-cheek board comments that make fun of Republicants.

Today is free pizza day at mah office. The building is buying pizza for everybody b/c they switched internet providers to a company that equals teh suck. They still suck, but at least I get free pizza.

Ok, how gullible am I? I done bought fertilizer for mah lawn and just realized, shit, Scott's can put fucking anything in that bag and any improvement at all would make me happy. Why don't i just wipe my ass with a $50 bill, that would be much more satisfying and I also wouldn't hafta worry about my dog eating teh grass and fucking dying.

I seriously eat way too much food. It is seriously a medical miracle that I'm not 300 pounds. I ate half a tray of manicotti yesterday. There were no leftovers. not a single manicotti survived. I just can't stop eating unless there's no more food or i'm at the point of intestinal explosion, wtf!

I wonder if people seriously like charles manson. he killed people, sure, but do people empathize with his reasoning? These thoughts keep me up at night.

No link today, just a headline..."US becoming less Christian, survey finds"
to which i add another quote "Fist in the air in the land of hipocricy"

btw, I like it when the mouthal area is close to my crotchal area. Those are medical terms, look it up. I could be a doctor, I have 3 of the requirements down SOLID. Big words that sound fake. check. long name. check. illegible handwriting. check. Now if I can just get over those little things called "not liking to see other people bleeding profusely", "not wanting to treat unattractive people", and "not knowing shit about medicine at all".

One thing that I'm really glad about...is that I haven't yet committed a vehicular manslaughter or vehicular homicide. I think those are a couple of the crimes that I can potentially commit in my lifetime...and I'd rather not be the centerpiece of jail's annual fresh meat assraping and salad tossing spectacular fun fest carnival.
If I were to commit a crime, I'd plead the fifth and ask for political asylum, whatever those things mean.

"I don't know how you were diverted. You were peverted too."
Wow, you take that line out of the context of the song it's from and it doesn't seem Beatlesque, does it?

I'm putting a different spin on FoxNews equals teh evil...at least everything Fox isn't evil. There happens to be "The Simpsons", "Samantha Fox", "Jorja Fox", "American Idol" [ed. whoah whoah whoah, stop right there. American Idol DOES equal evil mass media conformity mind fucking.] Oh yeah? well..."Megan Fox" [ed. You have a point, writer(s). Carry on.]
Megan Fox.
Nuff said.

This week is roughly half over. I'm ashamed that I haven't yet looked on youtube for videos of Oliver Stone's cage match with Jenny McCarthy.
I'm looking now.
Fuck.
They don't exist.

"How do you feel about full frontal male nudity?"
Notice the quotes.
But, if you happen to be completely against the topic of the abovementioned quote, then "Forgeting Sarah Marshall" is not the movie for you.

Holy shit, an albino midget fucking a baby polar bear, Batman!

Fuck it, I'm moving to Taco Bell.
The convenience of subpar pseudoMexican food is so alluring to me.

Love me tender, love me true...empty my colostomy bag

have i mentioned that i have a heterosexual man-crush on kelly clarkson? [ed. Dude, you can't have a man-crush on a chick] Why not? [ed. Because she doesn't have man-parts] Prove it! [ed. Um. Nevermind.]

I wanted to use the phrase "time for public rapings" in a sentence.
Done.

"You know how I made her leave with me? Conversation and Hennessey"

So today mah allergies were so bad that I almost stopped driving to work because my eyes were so swollen. I said eyes, you perverts.

So today is cinco de mayo. whoopdittydoo. in other words, I'm not looking forward to mexicans in mah neighborhood setting off poppers at 11:42pm when teh kids are trying to sleep. Its called common courtesy. I'm not singling out teh mexicans either. You white people have got to stop it with the racket and rabble rousing on school nights, even if it happens to be a holiday. Oh, and you fuckers that drive down my street too fast, I'm gonna cobble ur legs with an eleven and a half pound sledgehammer. It's the suburbs, not fucking nascar, you jesusdamn retards. I'd rather not be scraping off a child's brain matter off my driveway because you think it's ok to drive 45 down a side street because there happens to be a long stretch without stop signs or police occifers.
Ok. I'm done.

I'm nearing my limit of sun chip consumption. Fuck healthy food. if sun chips were wrapped in freeze dried bacon, that would be so much awesomer. Call up frito-lay.

So Obama has made it through 100 days in office. I reflect on this fact a bit differently than the talking heads who don't know shit about shit on CNN and FoxNews. Three things. 1) my friends are retarded for taking bets on when Obama would get whacked. b) The secret service is fucking awesome and 3) [gasp] the country was ready for a black president, who would have thought that a person's qualifications and vision would make people see past the color of a person's skin?! I certainly am happy that he's acomplishing things in his first 100 days, but I'm compelled to perform the uncanny act of flopping a steamer on every congressperson's desk who fails to vote for a leftist policy that I agree with...and yes Democraps have been voting against some policies too. They get a steamer and 3 days detention @ guantanamo before it's officially closed.

http://www.chickipedia.com/joss-stone/photosgallery/Joss_stone_kissing-9136_450-jpg.html

yeah, I prefer my rarely identified female pop singers to have pictures similar to this on teh internets.

btw, don't rub bengay or biofreeze or tiger balm on ur satchel. It'll kill ur junk.

On thing that I'm really glad about...is that I haven't yet been decapitated by a psychotic disfigured redneck wearing a hockey mask and waving a chainsaw drunkenly.
It can happen...and I'm glad it hasn't happened to me.

"Ali Larter has been in the minds of many guys ever since we saw her in Varsity Blues covered in whip cream. Today she stars in the NBC hit Heroes, where she, as of this entry, has not been covered in whip cream"

So a chat that I had a month or so ago got me thinking. If google maps was more awesome, why don't they just put google maps in everyone's car, standard? Fuck paying $200+ for a jesusdamn GPS system that you need to update every 45 minutes because teh roads are always changing. Google maps is the shiznit, and there's ways to make it better by layering map data onto their interface point mapping system. [ed. You ARE a fucking geek. You know that, right?] Shut up. one of these days my technology dreams will come true. i hope.

This week will bring the impending doom of mah cottonwood tree beginning to splooge out its allergen-seed. I am sure to be incapacitated by its creamy white load of naturebatter. The tree will remain erect and wont get its seed off until next year. That's long time, good thing trees can't get blue balls. Or can they?

"Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, fart, terd and twat...I fucked your mom"
Speaking of madrefucking, it would be cool to fuck Justin Timberlake's mom, just so you could make him cry when you tell him you fucked her. Tony Danza's mom too, I think that would make Justin cry too.

Holy Elisha Cuthbert-on-Thora Birch strap-on videos in HD, Batman!

Fuck it, I'm moving to crete.
That's in the caribbean, right?
O. The mediterranean? crap.
By Greece? double crap.
It's warm there tho, right?
Okok. Crete it is. but make it Crete, Illinois instead.

Thar be dragons

have i mentioned that I'm on wellbutrin? [ed. he's crazy, i think]

I wanted to use the phrase "I hate government inefficiency" in a sentence.
Done.

Plot hole on heroes! tis but a little one:
"The song on Alice's record and on the radio in the Coyote Sands Cafe in May 1961 is Roy Orbison's Crying, which was not released until July 1961"

So I've been constantly sore from playing softball. One of these days I'll get in shape. One of em. Hint: it's not tomorrow.

Today is earth day. Another whoopdittydo. A bunch of treehuggers plant a few shruberries and we're supposed to turn off our lights for 10 minutes or something. Fuck that. How about some real change, like bringing back candles as a source of light or maybe stop driving polluting, inefficient, wasteful, expensive, oil-dependent automobiles or elect people to our Congress that aren't money grubbing whores who are in bed sucking the dicks of every oil company CEO on the fucking planet and push their political party's agenda and not what the jesusdamn people of this nation truly fucking want.
Ok. I'm done.

Another new hot dog recipe for ya. 1 bun. 1 hot dog. 1 serving of mustard potato salad.
84 calories for the bun, 170 calories bun-length oscar mayer hot dog, 250 calories potato salad.
Dang. not even close to 2,000.

So piracy is on the rise. No, Johnny Depp isn't making a new Pirates of The Caribbean movie. Real pirates. With guns. And bad teeth. You know, like the extras for the Pirates of the Caribbean movie. I support piracy in theory so long as innocent people get whacked. [ed. you mean DON'T get whacked, right.] No, I want innocent people to die. Because it goes along with my America's plan for international seclusion. [ed. Seclusion? You're fucking retarded] Retarded, no. Innovative, yes. [ed. No, we'll stick with retarded on this one]
Fine.

http://zone.msn.com/en/chickeninv2/default.htm
Click Play Now.
You'll regret it later.

btw. alcohol is dangerous to your health too. [ed. So?]
I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

One thing that I'm really glad about...the CFO from Freddie Mac committed suicide. [ed. You are a sick and twisted man. You do know that, right?]

"All right, which one of you masturbated in the bathroom?"
Notice the quotes.

Ok, a recent chat I had got me all riled up. The subject of fighting in hockey. I have a pretty solid argument, I just don't see the validity in "It's wrong" or "They're grown men, they shouldn't fight". The argument of "I don't wanna watch boxing, I want to watch hockey" still is a matter of preference but I also understand it. I like hockey without fights, it's still good to watch, especially in international competition. With that argument though, someone is gonna be pissed. The fan would likes it the way it is OR the fan who wants a clean and pussified version of hockey where the players don't wear pads, they wear tutus. I say keep it the way it is, obviously. [ed. ...but you said you like hockey without the fighting too! me confuse. dont cunfoose editor. make head hurt. blarg. "Johnny 5 is ALIVE!"]
Johnny.Random - 1
editor - 0

This weekend will bring the return of softball, pending rain of course. I found out something about my batting during our "spring training". Well, my swing is inconsistent but not gripping the bat like I'm strangling one of those tribal people with the stretched out necks from those rings they put on em...seems to help. Now I hold it like I'm gently holding...myself.

"Every second 28258 Internet users are viewing pornography"
I'm not viewing pornography this second.
Nor This second.
Nor This second.
Nor This second.
Yes, I said it thrice...and I'm not watching pornography right now, either.

Holy Shit, Gitmo's gonna bite Cheney in his wheelchaired ass, Batman

Fuck it, I'm moving to North Korea.
They like white people there, right?
No?
Ok, South Korea then.

Why didn't you tell me, I could have been in Canada by now

have I mentioned that I love chocolate?

I wanted to use the phrase terrifingly loud orgasms in a sentence.
done.

"But President Obama - this is going to be big, look for this announcement. President Obama is meeting with the Queen of England. He is going to ask her if she wants America back."

so spring is just about arrived. So much for that, they're expecting snow on sunday. Chicago can lick my ass crack meteorogically.

and st. patrick's day came and went. woopdittydoo. and now they're talking about ending the south side irish parade. I suppose if I cared in the slightest, this would be big news on my blog. But I don't so I wont comment further.

The grilled cheese cheese burger...lets total it up. 670 calories for each grilled cheese sangwich (used as the buns) - 46g fat - 40g carbs- 26g protetin, 5 slices of bacon 230 calories - 18g fat - .6g carbs - 15.7g protein, 1/2lb burger patty 640 calories - 40g fat - 58g carbs - 40g protein, mustard 36 calories - 1g fat - 6g carbs - 1g protein. Total it up 2246 calories - 151g fat - 144.6g carbs and a whopping 108.7g of protein.
Yes, I ate the whole thing...and some potato salad. It's very manly to eat a single item that is pushing 2k calories.

If the United States scrapped the current form of government and just went with a blackpresident branch and a Chuck Norris branch...things would be fucked. It would make me want to be eaten by children of the corn.

http://www.betterplace.com/
yes. it can happen.
"going to california with an achin in my heart"

btw. men should not wear pink shirts. it's just...wrong.

One thing that I'm really glad about...I don't work with Sloth from the Goonies chained up to the desk next to me. That would suck.

"I got an idea, we'll line up the corpses by type...Cirque de Soleil style"

fuck the term "cool beans"...say "cool PINTO beans, bitch"

is it just me, or does this weekend seems to need alcohol consumption?
and tacos. definitely tacos. tacos. beer. and chocolate.
Not at the same time, obviously, a mocha/seasoned beef lager would taste completely awful.
...oh, and a root beer float.
...and winning the lottery, unless of course you have half of $26 million dollars just laying around that you wouldn't mind sharing with me

In case you were wondering, I'm sorta an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a cryptogram wrapped in a dilemma, only found in the center of a labrynth

Holy G-20 protesting sea turtle on ibex gang bang rapists, Batman.

Fuck it, I'm moving to Winnebago county.
Only if there's a lack of actual Winnebagos.